


it's nice to have a friend

by danversdonut



Series: it's nice to have a friend [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, It's very soft at the beginning, Kinda just a mix of everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2020-11-15 03:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 91,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20859446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danversdonut/pseuds/danversdonut
Summary: They're six when they first meet. It's the first day of school in a crowded classroom and Santana finds herself drawn to the new blonde girl.OR The story of how Brittany and Santana meet and all the significant moments in their lives following the first time they see one another.





	1. "wanna hang out?" yeah, sounds like fun

**Author's Note:**

> Quick disclaimer: I obviously don't own Glee, all characters belong to Fox :)  
I hope you enjoy!

They're six when they first meet.

It's the first day of the school year, and the class is buzzing around her; friends greeting one another after a summer apart, and kids holding desperately onto their parents, begging them to stay. As Santana's mother says goodbye before she leaves for work, a blonde head stands out in the crowd of people standing in her first-grade classroom. The face is new, Santana notes, she's never seen her before.

Santana's mom kisses her softly on the cheek and waves goodbye as she backs out of the classroom. Some of the kids around her are crying or snuggling into parents, Santana feels a strong urge to roll her eyes – this isn't their first year of school, they should be used to this by now, it's pathetic.

She makes her way over to her cubby to stow her backpack. The blonde girl catches her eye again. She clings desperately to the leg of blond woman, who Santana assumes is her mother. The girl looks absolutely terrified and suddenly Santana feels a wave of guilt for ever thinking that people who cling to their parents are pathetic. This girl is anything but pathetic, her blue eyes well with tears as her mother bends down and mutters something softly in her ear. Santana tries not to stare as the girl bites her lip and shakes her head, but still loosens her grip on her mother's leg.

The lady kisses her daughter's head and walks out of the classroom.

Santana tries not to stare as the girl remains frozen on the spot her mom left her. The girl's teeth dig even deeper into her lip, an obvious effort to prevent herself from crying. Her fists clench tightly at her sides. She's like a statue, completely still.

Santana is about to step forward and help the girl when their teacher, Miss Clifford appears beside the blonde and gently rests a hand on her shoulder. The girl's brow furrows as Miss Clifford whispers something to her before leading her over to where the rest of the class is sitting in a circle on the carpet in front of the whiteboard.

She quickly joins the class, wanting to sit next to the blonde girl, but Miss Clifford guides her to the spot next to her chair, and Santana is stuck on the opposite side of the circle. Miss Clifford introduces herself to the class and points to where her name is written on the whiteboard beside her. Santana feels a jolt of pride at the fact she can read clearly what it says next to her name; _'Welcome! Who's ready for a great year?'_

Miss Clifford reads the words out loud and then announces that she's going to lead them in an introduction game. Again, Santana resists the urge to roll her eyes, it's a dumb idea – with the exception of the blond girl, Santana has known all of the people since preschool. Lima's a small town, there's only one of everything.

The introductions begin, 'I'm Miss Clifford and I'm nice… During summer vacation I went to the beach.'

They go around the circle, the adjectives are basic: _happy, kind, strong, sad, mad_ etc. The vacations are even more basic: visiting family, going to the park and going shopping.

The game reaches Santana, 'I'm Santana,' she says, bypassing the adjective – she doesn't know how to describe herself, 'I stayed with my Abuela during the summer.'

Miss Clifford takes this as a prompt and asks, 'Where does your Abuela live, Santana?'

Santana doesn't answer, she doesn't want the class to know her grandma lives in Lima Heights Adjacent – she doesn't want them to know that until the summer she lived in Lima Heights Adjacent, she was staying with her Abuela while they set up the new house in Lima Heights, the nice, rich part of town.

She just shrugs and gestures to Noah Puckerman, who sits on her right to continue the game.

When the game reaches the blonde girl, she sits there in silence, staring wide-eyed at the unfamiliar faces staring at her. For the second time that day, Santana watches her bite her lip and clench her fists. Her blue eyes blink rapidly, and she shakes her head intensely before dropping her gaze to the ground.

Their teacher smiles softly and turns to face the class, 'Everyone, this is Brittany. She's just moved from Washington, so she doesn't know anyone here. Can everyone say hello to Brittany?'

'Hello Brittany,' The class echoes loudly. Santana keeps her eyes focused on the blond, Brittany, the name suits her, it's sweet and soft and Santana can tell just by looking at her that Brittany is both of those things.

Brittany lifts her eyes to look at her classmates and raises her hand in a tiny wave before Miss Clifford smiles at her again and asks, 'Is there anything you want to tell the class about yourself or your summer vacation?'

Brittany drops her eyes to the ground again and doesn't say anything. Santana feels a pang of sympathy for her, she doesn't know anyone, she looks so lonely even in a room full of kids.

Miss Clifford then splits them into pairs, announcing they will begin the day with some painting to ease them back into the school year. Unlike most elementary art lessons, there is no set painting that they need to do. Miss Clifford simply instructs them to paint something they did over vacation, they can work on one painting together or on their own, as long as they share the paint and paintbrushes with each other and don't push their partners painting off the table.

She chooses the pairs based on who they will sit next to for the remainder of the year due to the arranged seating chart. She asks them all to find their nametags on the tables and sit together with the person next to them and wait for her to pass out materials.

Santana is seated on a table of four, next to Eloise Salzburg, a small girl with midnight black hair and pale white skin – she reminded Santana of Snow White in the book her and Mami read together last night before bed, not that Santana would ever tell anyone that, she didn't want people to know she read fairy tales. Both Eloise and Santana glance at one another and immediately select two pieces of paper to paint separately, Santana notices that Eloise deliberately shifts her chair to the side of the table so she's further away from Santana and closer to Kurt Hummel and Mike Chang who sit opposite them. Santana just shrugs and looks down at the paint, she's used to people not wanting to sit with her since she yelled at Noah Puckerman in Spanish on the second day of kindergarten for stealing her crayon. He spread a rumour that she was a witch and so Santana sat alone for the rest of the year.

Across the room she sees Brittany sitting next to Rachel Berry who has a firm grip on her arm as she informs Brittany that they will be doing a joint painting as a team-building exercise since Brittany is new. She talks at a rapid pace, directly into Brittany's ear, Santana can feel herself getting annoyed and she can barely hear Rachel's voice. Brittany doesn't appear to mind though; she lets Rachel guide her without saying a word back. Rachel doesn't check if anything she's doing is okay, just grabs a pencil and begins tracing an outline of their drawing, her left hand still placed on Brittany's arm.

Santana decides that tracing her painting first is a good idea, so she also picks up a pencil and begins to draw a house – her new house, since its big and pretty and isn't falling apart like her one in Lima Heights Adjacent was. If anyone asks she'll tell them it's her Abuela's house, the one she stayed at over summer, no one needs to know where she used to live. She's proud of her new house, proud of her Papi for finally getting a job at Lima General Hospital, one he'd been working to get since he finished med school the year after Santana was born. She sketches her family too; her, Mami, Papi and Abuela, she wants to show them this when she gets home, make sure they know she loves the new house and she loves them even more.

She's just picked up the red paint to start painting the roof of the house when Rachel's voice screeches across the classroom, 'No, Brittany! You can't put the orange there!'

Santana looks up in time to see Rachel snatch a paintbrush out of Brittany's hand, holding it high above her head and looking down at their painting in absolute devastation. Miss Clifford was already making her way over to the girls, kneeling down beside them while asking what's wrong. Santana grabs the brown paint and begins to paint the outlines of the windows while Rachel launches into a detailed explanation of what they were painting together.

'She started to paint the apple orange. Apples aren't orange, everyone knows that,' Rachel states, tears pouring out of her eyes.

Next to her, Brittany remains silent, biting her lip again, her eyes flickering between the painting and Rachel. She doesn't say a word as Miss Clifford asks Rachel to apologize for snatching and yelling, she doesn't do more than shrug and furrow her brow when Miss Clifford asks her to apologise to Rachel for painting the apple orange without asking first. When Rachel gets handed a new piece of paper, she informs Brittany she will be painting this one alone – 'in the right colours.' Brittany simply sits back down and picks up her paintbrush again, filling the apple in orange. Santana can tell, even from across the room that not a single stroke of orange ends up outside the lines.

She looks down at her own painting and suddenly feels as though her messy brush strokes and odd pencil lines aren't good enough to show her family after all. She slows herself down and tries to get her paint perfectly in the lines. She's concentrating so hard that she didn't hear the bell for recess ring until her classmates starting moving around her, carrying their paintings to the back of the room where Miss Clifford is hanging them on a rack to dry. Santana looks down at her incomplete painting, it's definitely not good enough to give to her family now, she'll have to finish it at home. She stands up and carefully carries her artwork to Miss Clifford, feeling slightly disappointed that she didn't finish, she really wanted to show her mom when she got picked up.

She goes to her cubby and pulls out her lunchbox, as she heads to the door to follow her classmates outside, she notices Brittany still sitting at her table, paintbrush in hand. Santana doesn't make a conscious decision to walk over to her, but her feet carry her towards Brittany's hunched form. She pulls up the chair next to her and sits down, Brittany doesn't look up.

'Watcha painting?' She asks.

Brittany glances up at her but doesn't say anything, her eyes flick back to the page and she keeps going. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Miss Clifford look at them still in the classroom, she expects her come over and ask them to go outside, but she just sits at her desk, keeping an eye on them. Santana takes that as a good sign and pulls her recess out of her lunchbox.

She opens her packet of crisps and pops one in her mouth before holding them up to Brittany, 'You want one?' She offers.

Brittany looks up again, this time casting her eyes properly over Santana and her crisps as though she is seizing her up, she just stares for a moment before shaking her head. Santana shrugs and eats another crisp.

'This is my cat,' Brittany says, answering Santana's first question. Her voice is barely above a whisper, but Santana hears her clearly, 'Her names Charity.' She points to the black and white blob on the page that Santana can clearly identify as a cat. 'She's really old and she's going blind,' Brittany continues, 'My mom says that she can't see colours properly anymore.'

Santana nods when Brittany looks up for confirmation that she's listening. Santana thinks it would be impossible not to listen, Brittany's voice is calming in a strange way, its soft and beautiful Santana decides.

'Her favourite food is apples, but she can't tell that they're red or green, so I painted it orange, 'cause that's how it looks to her.' She explains.

Santana nods again, 'That's clever.'

Brittany smiles at her, and it lights up her face, making her eyes look like they're dancing. 'Thanks,' She says, 'She got lost when we first moved here, I was so scared she wasn't going to come back. That's why I painted this because it was the best part of my summer when she came home.'

Santana smiles back, 'I'm glad she came home, I don't have any pets, but if I did and I lost it I'd be really sad,' She pauses, 'I'm Santana,' she holds out her hand.

Brittany giggles, and grabs it, shaking, 'I know, you said it in the circle.'

'I didn't know if you were listening,' Santana shrugs.

'I'm Brittany,' is all she says back.

'I know.' Santana looks down, suddenly slightly embarrassed. When she looks back up, Brittany is still looking at her intently, her eyes curious. Santana smiles, Brittany smiles back.

'What did you paint?' Brittany asks.

'I painted my house,' Santana ignores her earlier decision to tell people it was her Abuela's house, 'and my family in front of the house.' She looks down again, 'It's not very good though, it's messy and I didn't finish.'

Brittany tilts her head, 'I'm sure it's great, it doesn't need to be finished to be perfect.'

Santana doesn't know why, but Brittany's words calm her, 'Do you think it's good enough to give to my parents?'

The look Brittany gives her says everything, 'Of course.'

\----------

The bell rings to end the day, and Santana waits by her cubby for her mom to pick her up. Sometimes her mom is late, when she can't get off work Santana is the last one left in the classroom. Brittany's mom had been waiting since before the bell, and Santana sees how excited Brittany is to see her – she hadn't spoken to anyone except Santana, remaining silent as Rachel babbled next to her about math. Santana had sat with her outside at lunch, but Rachel also sat with them – 'I know you're not a witch Santana, so I can sit with you' – so Brittany hadn't spoken.

Brittany's mom leans down and talks softly to her daughter, Brittany shrugs, but when her mom stands up and grabs her hand to lead her out the door, she turns around and flashes a quick smile at Santana. She smiles back and Brittany disappears down the hallway.

She hovers by her cubby as all the other kids and their parents slowly leave the classroom. Eventually, it's just Santana, Rachel and one of her dads who is talking to Miss Clifford, Rachel tries to talk to her, but Santana gives her a look and she turns back to her dad. Santana pulls her backpack out of her cubby, before sitting cross-legged on the ground, pulling the bag to her chest, unzipping it and pulling out her painting.

She stares at the small version of her family, which she knows doesn't really look very much like her family, but she thinks you can still tell it's them. Three dark-haired adults and one smaller dark-haired girl. Rachel and her dad leave the classroom and Santana hears Rachel launch into a detailed explanation of her day the moment her feet cross the doorway.

Miss Clifford crouches down beside Santana, 'Who's picking you up, Santana?'

'My mom,' Santana shrugs, 'Work makes her stay longer sometimes, I need to wait next to my cubby until she gets here.'

'Where does your mom work?' Miss Clifford asks, Santana hadn't said much all day and she wanted to learn more about the girl.

Santana shrugs again, 'She's a nurse at an old people's home, it's far away.'

Miss Clifford nods, the nearest nursing home was at least half an hour away, 'Okay, well I'll wait with you until she gets here, do you want some paper to draw?'

Santana shakes her head.

'I saw you talking to Brittany today,' Santana looks up at her teacher who continues speaking, 'It was very nice of you to go sit with her. She didn't talk to anyone else, not even me, you must be very special if Brittany wanted to talk to you,' She smiles.

Santana just nodded, 'She was nice, I wanted to talk to her.'

Miss Clifford nods, 'I'm very glad you did. I'm proud of you, Santana, for making her feel welcome.'

Santana smiled, properly this time, 'Thank you.' Her voice was softer when she spoke.

At that moment, Santana heard the familiar click of her mom's work shoes coming down the hallway and pulled herself off the floor as her mom entered the classroom.

'I'm so sorry Mija, the traffic was bad, I even left work early for you,' She pulls Santana into a tight hug.

'It's okay,' Santana mumbles into her leg.

Her mom smiles at Miss Clifford, 'Thank you for waiting with her.'

'Anytime, I understand it can be difficult, she's a lovely girl so I don't mind having her around for a bit longer. I wasn't going to leave for a while anyway.'

Her mom thanks Miss Clifford again, before looking at Santana, 'What did you do today, Mija?'

Santana holds up her painting, 'It's us,' She explains, 'In front of the new house.'

'It's beautiful,' Maribel runs her hands over the painting, 'It can be the first thing hanging on the fridge.'

Santana tucks her head into her mom's side, 'I did it so you know I love the new house, and I'm proud of Papi for getting his new job.'

'Wow, Mija, proud is a big word. I bet Papi's going to be very proud of you for this painting, how about we take it home so it's ready on the fridge to show him?' Maribel presses a kiss into her daughter's head.

Santana nods and turns to Miss Clifford, 'Bye, I'll see you tomorrow.'

'Bye Santana, have a good afternoon.' She turns back to her desk as Santana and Maribel walk out the door. She's intrigued by the small girl, who barely said a word all day, even actively avoiding direct questions that were part of the schoolwork. She was by no means as quiet as Brittany, but there was something about the way she stayed quiet that made her think that she was guarding herself. She recalled hearing Rachel say something about a witch to Santana at lunch. Yet, despite the walls she had created around herself, she'd still spoken to Brittany, she'd started the conversation, and Brittany had responded, in none of the three times Miss Clifford had met her, including today, Brittany had never uttered a word, not even to her mother.

She stands up and crosses the room, grabbing Santana's name tag off her desk, walking to Brittany's and placing it on the spot next to hers, replacing Rachel and instead moving her to Santana's old spot.

_Maybe_, she thought,_ these two have the potential to open each other up._

\---------

When Santana enters the classroom the next day, she falters for a second when she sees Rachel Berry sitting at her desk with a scowl on her face. It takes her another two steps to realise that the nametag on her desk, or old desk now, says Rachel. She glances at Miss Clifford who is looking at her but doesn't say anything, her eyes scan the desks until they land on 'Santana' placed on the spot next to Brittany. She doesn't have any visible reaction to the placement, but she feels her insides squirm at the thought of getting to sit next to the blond.

Brittany isn't there yet, so Santana sits in her chair and waits for her to arrive. Her feet only just touch the ground and she taps her toes on the floor, eyes flittering between Rachel who is still glaring at her and the door on the opposite side of the room where Brittany will enter at any moment.

She almost misses it when Brittany actually does enter, it's only a few seconds before the bell rings to signal the start of class. The small blond clings to her mothers' leg, just like yesterday, together they kneel in front of Brittany's cubby and lift her backpack off her shoulders, placing it on the shelf. Her mother unzips the bag and pulls out a bright pink lunchbox, sliding it next to the bag before leaning down and whispering in Brittany's ear. Brittany nods and points to the lunchbox, her mother smiles in confirmation. She takes Brittany's hand and leads her to Miss Clifford, talking to the teacher while gesturing to her daughter and then back to the lunchbox in the cubby.

Brittany's mother leans down and gives Brittany a kiss on the head, prying her hands off her leg and giving her a gentle nudge in the direction of her table before leaving. Unlike yesterday, Brittany doesn't stand still for very long, instead, she heads straight over to the table, head down, fists clenched. She only stops when she lifts her head as she reaches the table. She notices Santana sitting in Rachels spot and freezes, her face squishing up in confusion. Santana thinks is a strange look, like the one her Abuela gave her when she told her that she didn't want people to know she lived in Lima Heights Adjacent, and she had to park away from the school so no one would see her run-down old car. The face looked weird on Abuela, but adorable on Brittany.

'Me and Rachel swapped seats,' Santana says.

Brittany's face immediately changes, the confusing melting and an entirely different look taking its place. Santana can't identify what the expression is, she's never seen anyone pull that face before. It's a mixture of happy, excited, relieved and overwhelmed all at once. Santana decides she wants to see that face a lot more often.

In a classroom full of people, Brittany doesn't say anything at all, she just looks at Santana and takes her seat, her face fading back to neutral. Her eyes never leave Santana's though.

Brittany remains silent throughout the whole morning. They're working on writing, something they started last year, and Miss Clifford writes words on the whiteboard for them to copy down. Santana doesn't say anything either, she just picks up a blue pencil from the holder in the centre of the table and begins to write the words; _happy, book, pack, big, small, sad and best._ Santana already knows all the words, so she sits silently after she finishes as the rest of the class copies them down. Beside her, Brittany is alternating between colours for each letter, creating rainbow words on her paper, her letters are wonky and misshapen, but she does manage to write all the words.

Miss Clifford calls on people to sound out the words and sees if they know what they mean. She starts with Rachel, who correctly identifies happy and gives a long-winded explanation of what it means to feel the emotion.

They get to small and Miss Clifford looks at their table, Santana can see her eyes fix on Brittany who is looking at her paper. Santana shakes her head a tiny bit, just enough for the teacher to notice and shift her eyes to Santana instead.

'Santana, can you read the next word?' She asks.

Santana nods, 'Small,' She replies. 'It means little, it's the opposite of big,' She gestures to the previous word.

Miss Clifford nods and moves on.

Brittany and Santana don't say another word for the rest of the morning. They complete worksheets about the words, and Santana pretends not to notice when Brittany leans over to copy her answers in slow, deliberate letters.

When the bells rings for recess, Santana gets her lunchbox from her cubby and heads to a spot, just outside the classroom, sitting with her back against the wall. A few moments later, Brittany joins her, sitting next to her. They stay silent as the rest of the class files out of the room and heads to various areas of the playground. Rachel gives them a dirty look as she walks past but doesn't sit with them. Santana feels a rush of excitement that maybe Brittany will talk to her if no one is around.

She opens her lunchbox and pulls out two Oreos wrapped in brown paper – she offers one of them to Brittany who shakes her head. Santana shrugs and twists the first cookie, eating the side without icing first, before popping the other half in her mouth. She takes a sip of her Juicebox before doing the same with the second cookie.

Brittany giggles at her. Santana quirks her head, unsure as to what was so funny. Brittany keeps giggling as she mimes Santana eating her Oreo, dramatically twisting her hands and throwing her head back as she puts the imaginary cooking her mouth. Santana giggles too, Brittany repeats the motion and Santana copies her, making the movements even bigger. They keep laughing and Santana never wants to stop, the look on Brittany's face as she throws her head back and holds her tummy is just as good as the unidentifiable look from earlier.

Brittany's laughter does cut off abruptly as Miss Clifford walks out the door, holding a pick lunchbox.

'You left this inside,' She says, passing it to her.

Brittany's face falls as she takes the lunchbox, placing it on the ground in front of her. Miss Clifford doesn't say anything else, just walks back inside. She felt bad for interrupting the girls who had clearly been making progress, but Whitney Pierce had asked her to make sure Brittany got her lunch today, yesterday she'd returned home with all the food uneaten. She'd told her that Brittany's mind tended to wander and with all the changes associated with the move, she had probably just forgotten about her lunch.

Santana watched as Brittany didn't open her lunchbox, just sat with it in front of her. She kept her eyes down again and didn't look up at Santana.

'It's okay if you don't want to eat, sometimes I'm not hungry.' Santana says.

Brittany's eyes dart upwards and for the first time Santana becomes aware of just how blue they are, it's like looking into pools of the bluest water. Like when Rachel went to Hawaii last year and showed the class pictures of the water she swam in. Brittany's eyes were the colour of the water in Hawaii, clear and filled with something that Santana didn't really understand.

Brittany's voice is barely above a whisper when she speaks, 'Thanks.' She unzips her lunchbox and pulls out a container of pre-sliced apple, 'Do you want this? Mom got sad yesterday when I didn't eat them.'

Santana nods and takes the apples. She's not hungry but she eats them anyway, she doesn't want Brittany to get in trouble. She hands back the empty container just as the bell rings and they stand up to head back inside for class to start again.

Just like the previous day, recess is the only time they speak. For the rest of the day, they only engage in silent conversations, Santana pointing things out to Brittany as they work, helping her with schoolwork, while Brittany gestures to things in the classroom that Santana has never noticed before. Together they observe the way Noah Puckerman annoys Rachel by constantly placing his hand on her desk, and the way Miss Clifford only just refrains from rolling her eyes every time Rachel attempts to complain about it.

At lunch, Miss Clifford is on playground watch and hovers near the girls, never looking at them, but close enough that Brittany doesn't speak. Instead, they talk with their eyes, Brittany looking down at her lunch and then up at Santana until Santana takes her jelly sandwich and eats it after her own ham one.

That afternoon, Santana's mom arrives on time and she barely has time to wave goodbye to Brittany before she's being whisked out the door her mom saying something about a surprise visit to Abuela. Out of the corner of her eye, she does catch Brittany's mom smiling when she sees the empty lunchbox next to her backpack. She feels a swell of happiness that she was able to help Brittany.

\----------

It takes a week for Santana to get worried about Brittany. She's not worried about Brittany not talking, she knows that she's just shy, and she talks when she's comfortable. Besides, Santana likes their silent conversations, no one else knows what they're saying, it's like a secret language.

Santana gets worried about the fact that Brittany never seems to eat at school. She always refuses to eat the snacks Santana offers her, and every day since the second day of school, she passes her food to Santana to eat – or when Santana doesn't want it, she throws it in the bin.

At first, she thinks that Brittany just isn't hungry, which she understands, sometimes she isn't hungry and doesn't eat her lunch either. But, by the third day, Santana knows that she must be hungry, even if she is eating at home – she's always extra hungry if she skips lunch the day before.

Then, Santana wonders if Brittany is sick – she's never hungry when she's sick. But Brittany doesn't seem sick, and if she was sick, why would she be at school?

On the fourth day, Santana realises that Brittany never brings her lunchbox out to recess or lunch, she only gets it when Miss Clifford brings it out to her. Brittany's face falls every time it happens, Santana realises that maybe she just doesn't want her food at all. She doesn't know why; it's always nice food.

After the fifth school day where Brittany gives Santana her food, she knows she needs to tell someone.

That evening after dinner she crawls up next to her mom on the couch. 'Mami,' She says, 'I'm worried about Brittany.'

Maribel looks down at her and frowns, 'Who's Brittany?'

'I sit with her at school, we sit together at recess and lunch too.'

Maribel nods, 'Okay, why are you worried about her?'

Santana frowns this time, wringing her hands together, 'She never eats her food,' She explains, 'She gives it to me, or she throws it in the bin, she said her mom gets sad when she doesn't eat it. I thought she just wasn't hungry on the first days, but she still hasn't eaten any.'

'She hasn't eaten at all?' Her mom asks.

Santana shakes her head.

Her mom nods, 'I'll talk to your teacher tomorrow.'

Santana moves to leave the couch, but Maribel grabs her arm.

'Thank you for telling me,' She smiles at her daughter, 'You are a very smart young lady.'

Santana doesn't answer, she just snuggles into her mother's side.

\---------

Papi drops her at school in the morning, so that day Brittany gives Santana her lunch again, Santana feels guilty as she takes it and eats it, but her mom had said she'd talk to Miss Clifford and she trusts her Mami.

Maribel is in the classroom the moment the bell rings that afternoon, quickly pulling Miss Clifford aside to talk to her. Santana stays by her cubby, so she can't hear what the two women are saying, but she watches her mom's worried look as she nods her head in Santana's direction.

Brittany smiles at her as she walks out, but Santana barely registers it, focused on the look of concern on Miss Clifford's face. Brittany's gone by the time she looks up to talk to Brittany's mom, she turns back to Maribel and says something to her, Maribel nods and says something back.

Santana stays completely still. Her body feels strange, she feels as though she's done something wrong even though her mom told her she did the right thing. The emotion washes over her in waves, a mixture of guilt, regret and a sense of achievement.

When they get home, her mom gives her a cut-up orange for afternoon tea, and as she eats it, Maribel tells her that they're going to go to school early in the morning and have a meeting with Brittany, her mom and Miss Clifford.

Santana doesn't even make it to the bathroom before she throws up, the feeling growing worse inside of her.

She skips dinner that night, not wanting to throw up again – knowing it was because of the weird feeling but trying to convince herself it was because of the food.

She lies in bed trying to sleep, hunger and the feeling gnawing at her stomach, wondering if this is how Brittany feels every day at school.

In the morning, Maribel decides Santana isn't going to school that day. She also decides that they will go in for the meeting but come home afterwards because it's too late to cancel on Mrs Pierce and Miss Clifford.

Santana skips breakfast.

Brittany and her mom are already in the classroom when they get to school, Santana sits in the corner furthest from Miss Clifford's desk as Maribel tells them she's sick and they'll go home afterwards. Miss Clifford gives her a sympathetic smile and turns her attention back to Brittany's mom who is saying something and gesturing to her daughter.

Santana puts her head down on the desk and tries to ignore the way the feeling is swirling inside of her, making everything else difficult.

She can hear the three women talking in hushed voices on the other side of the classroom and clutches her stomach as the feeling gets worse.

She stays like that for a few minutes until she feels a tap on her shoulder. She lifts her head and her eyes meet Brittany's perfect blue ones; the feeling begins to simmer down within her. Brittany smiles at her, and gestures to the drawing she was doing, she holds up a blue pencil and places it in Santana's hand before pointing to the outline of a girl, signalling Santana to colour her dress blue.

They colour together in silence, having conversations with their eyes. Brittany asks Santana to pass her the yellow, and she does, Santana moves her eyes to look at the tree and Brittany automatically picks up the green and starts colouring the leaves.

Santana realises that being around Brittany makes the feeling go away.

She doesn't know how long they've been colouring for when Brittany's eyes suddenly dart up to their moms and Miss Clifford.

She tilts her head, as though she only just noticed they were there, 'Do you know what they're talking about?' She asks.

Santana feels the feeling wash over again and panics, 'No.'

The feeling gets worse immediately. She jumps up and runs across the room, kneeling over the wastebasket and dry heaving into it.

Her mother is at her side in seconds, holding her hair up and rubbing her back. There's nothing in Santana's stomach, so she coughs up bile for a few minutes before just sitting there breathing heavily,

She doesn't want to turn around because she knows Brittany will be watching her.

Her mom wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her up, she vaguely hears Brittany's mom say something about calling Maribel later, but her head is spinning too much to register exactly what's going on. The waves of the feeling get worse and worse and it's not until she lifts her into her arms and holds her to her hip like a baby that her head stops spinning. She tucks her head under her mom's chin and wraps her arms around her, wanting her mom to make it feel better.

She knows her mom is whispering soothing things in her ear, but it's Brittany's voice that breaks through her fuzz in her brain, 'Bye Santana,' Her sweet voice says, louder than Santana has ever heard her talk, 'I hope you feel better tomorrow.'

Santana sleeps the rest of the day, the feeling has gone away slightly, but it still lingers low in her stomach.

Her mom calls her dad at work and asks him to take a look at her when he gets home. He comes home early and sits beside her on her bed, he lifts his hand to her forehead and presses a palm into her stomach. As he checks her temperature, the phone downstairs rings, and Santana's stomach drops when she remembers Brittany's mom saying she'd call later.

She throws her blanket off and rushes down the stairs, suddenly determined to get to the phone before her mom. She doesn't make it. She hasn't eaten over 24 hours, and her run is more like a fast, wobbly walk. She hears her mom say, 'Hello Whitney,' just as she makes it to the kitchen.

Her legs are shaking as she makes her way across the kitchen. Her mom looks over at her as she wobbles to the counter and grabs onto it to hold herself up.

'Mija,' She says, looking concerned, 'Go back to bed.'

Santana shakes her head, 'I want to talk to Brittany.'

Maribel places her hand over the phone and sigh, 'Go sit on the couch and I'll ask her mom if it's okay.'

Papi followed Santana into the kitchen and hoists her into his arms, carrying her to the living room and setting her down on the couch. He places a gentle kiss on her forehead and sits down next to her, hugging her tight to his chest.

'I love you, Mija,' He says, and the feeling in Santana's stomach goes away for a second.

'I love you too, Papi.'

He stands as Maribel enters the room and passes the phone to Santana before leading her father out of the room with her. They stand out of Santana's eyeline, but still close enough to hear what she's saying.

'Hello?' Santana speaks into the receiver.

'Hi,' Brittany's soft voice replies, 'Are you feeling better?'

Santana smiles at the sound of her voice, 'A little.' She pauses, 'Brittany, I'm sorry.'

She can almost hear the confused look on the other girl's face, 'For what?'

'For lying.'

Brittany giggles, 'When did you lie?'

'This morning, I told you I didn't know why we were there, but I did,' The feeling both disappears and becomes ten times worse as she tells the truth and anticipates the reaction, 'I told my mom that you don't eat at school.' Her voice falters for a second, 'I'm sorry, I was worried about you.'

Her throat clenches when Brittany keeps giggling, 'I'm sorry too, Santana.'

Santana frowns, 'For what?'

'Lying.'

'When?'

Brittany's giggles get louder, 'This morning, I knew we were there to talk about me. I just wanted to talk to you.'

'Oh,' Santana doesn't quite know what to say, 'I'm still sorry for telling, you didn't want your mom to know about your food.'

' 's okay,' Brittany sighs, 'I'm glad you told, I was getting very hungry.'

Santana frowns again, 'Then why didn't you eat?'

'I can't.'

'Why, are you sick?'

'Charity's not eating,' Brittany replies like it was obvious, 'I can't eat if she's not.'

'Why?' Santana is confused about what a cat has to do with this.

'Dunno,' Brittany says.

'Oh.'

'Santana, I have to go,' Brittany's voice lowers to a whisper, 'Mom says dinner's ready.'

'Bye Brittany.'

'Bye Santana.'

Brittany hangs up and Santana realises that the feeling is completely gone – not even a wisp of guilt remains in her stomach. She feels like Santana again. She also realises that she's even more confused by what Brittany just said. She doesn't understand why Brittany's cat meant she couldn't eat and why Brittany didn't even know why she wasn't eating.

Mami and Papi come back into the room and Maribel gently pries the phone from her hand, placing it on the arm of the couch. They sit down on either side of her, both of them wrapping their arms around her.

She smiles slightly, it's something they always did when she was super little; a Santana sandwich.

'Mija,' Papi says, 'We're very proud of you. Thank you for telling Mami about Brittany, she might have gotten very sick if you didn't.'

Maribel looks down at her daughter, 'Baby, we need to have a very adult conversation with you right now.'

Santana looks up.

'Brittany's mom told me some things when I spoke to her,' Maribel continues, 'And I think that you need to know about it because you were the one that noticed something was wrong with Brittany.'

Santana doesn't say anything, just stares at her mom to continue.

Her mom sighs, 'Brittany's family used to live in Seattle, do you know where that is?'

'Miss Clifford said Brittany is from Washington. Is Seattle in Washington?'

Maribel nods, 'Seattle is a big city in Washington.' She pauses before continuing, 'Last year, Brittany's family was in an accident. Their car got hit by another car while they were driving home from school.'

Santana feels strange again, but a different kind of strange, 'Were they okay?' She remembers last year in Lima Heights Adjacent when the teenagers had crashed in front of her house. She hadn't seen much because her mom pushed her back inside, but she does remember seeing a mess of metal and hearing someone screaming.

Maribel nods, 'They were all okay, but Brittany hurt her neck, so they had to put her into a special sleep at the hospital so she wouldn't move it.' She looks at Santana's dad for help.

'Mija,' Papi says, 'Your neck is very important, if you hurt it can be very bad. So, Brittany was asleep for a few days while her neck was getting better.'

Santana nods, 'Is her neck okay now?'

Maribel smiles, 'Her neck is fine, but when Brittany woke up, she was very scared. She didn't know what had happened. She didn't like the city anymore because there were too many cars and she got worried they would make her go to sleep again.'

Papi continues, 'That's why they moved here, Brittany's dad got a new job that isn't as close to a big city so that Brittany feels better. Does that make sense?'

'Yes, but why wasn't she eating? She said it was because her cat wasn't eating?' Santana understands being scared of cars after she saw the accident last year, she hadn't wanted to go in the car either until Abuela told her they would go and get ice-cream to make it less scary.

'Well,' Maribel rubs her daughter's arm, 'When Brittany was very scared, so her parents got her a cat.'

'Charity.'

'Yes, Charity,' Maribel smiles, 'Charity is a special cat whose job is to look after Brittany when she gets very scared. Charity gives her cuddles – like this,' She snuggles into Santana, 'Or lets Brittany pat her until she calms down. It's Brittany's job to look after Charity to make her feel more comfortable; it stops her from being scared and reminds her to look after herself.'

'So, it's like how you make me food and also make food for you?'

'Exactly,' Mami tickles Santana, 'You are a very smart young lady.'

Santana grins and wriggles away from her mom's tickles.

'Brittany got a little confused when Charity stopped eating and thought she should stop too.' Maribel explains, 'She knows now that Charity not eating meant something was wrong and Whitney told me she ate all of her lunch at school today.'

'She's all better?' Santana nudges her head under Mami's arm.

'She's all better. And Charity is eating again too, she just had an upset stomach.' She pokes Santana's stomach, 'Just like you.'

Santana places a hand on her tummy, 'I think I feel all better now.'

'You do?' Papi asks.

Santana nods.

'What was wrong with you then?' Maribel stares at her.

She shrugs.

Papi sighs softly, 'I think she was just a little bit stressed about everything with Brittany. Weren't you, Mija?'

'Yeah,' Santana sighs.

Maribel gently runs her fingers through her hair, 'Mija, that's not good.' She kisses her forehead, 'Please tell me in the future when you're worried.'

'I will Mami,' Santana says softly, 'I promise.'

Then Santana's stomach grumbles loudly and both her parents look down at her before bursting into laughter. Santana curls up on herself and they wrap themselves around her hugging her tight.

'We love you, Mija, so much,' Her mother mutters into her hair, 'Nothing will ever change that.'

Santana kisses her mom's cheek and then her dad's cheek, 'I love you too.'

'Now,' Papi sits up, 'Let's get some food in here,' He pokes her tummy.

They eat dinner as a family, something that is very rare since her dad got his new job and started working shifts at the hospital. Mami also lets them eat in front of the TV, which Santana is never allowed to do, they watch Scooby-Doo and both her parents sit close to her, as though trying to protect her from the imaginary ghosts inside the show. She doesn't notice the look they share over her head, one that signals that they are protecting her; but not from made-up ghosts, from all the horrible things that the world has in store.

They send her to brush her teeth so they can have a private conversation.

'She got so stressed she threw up,' Maribel says worriedly.

Javier nods, 'I know. She's okay though.'

'I don't think it's normal for a six-year-old to get so stressed they threw up.'

Javier rubs his wife's back, 'It's actually more common than you think.' He sighs, 'She's young and doesn't know how to process her emotions properly.'

Maribel shakes her head, 'If this is happening now, is she going to be okay as she gets older? She already struggles to make friends, and I know she gets stressed about people knowing where we used to live.'

Javier takes her hand and squeezes it tightly, 'She'll be okay, it seems like Brittany is well on her way to becoming a friend, and if it keeps happening, we can take her to see someone. I know your mother won't approve of professional help, but if we need to, we want our baby to be okay.'

Maribel nods.

'But,' He continues, 'She should learn better coping mechanisms as she gets older. We've told her to come to speak to us, we need to give her a chance to prove that she will.'

Maribel nods again.

The phone rings from where it still sits on the arm of the couch.

Maribel answers, 'Hello, Lopez household.'

Whitney Pierce speaks from the other end, 'Hi Maribel, it's Whitney again, I've just been having a talk with Brittany and I wanted to know if Santana would like to come over this weekend. Brittany doesn't have any friends since we moved, and it seems that they've been spending a lot of time together.'

Maribel smiles, 'I think that would be a great idea, Santana would love that, she was very worried about Brittany.'

'Fantastic,' Whitney grins through the phone, 'How about Saturday at eight? That way they can spend the whole day together.'

'Perfect.'

Whitney gives their address before hanging up the phone. Maribel looks up at her husband, 'Well, I don't think we need to worry about her having friends.'

\---------

Santana wakes up at five am on Saturday. She's too excited to sleep anymore, so she goes downstairs and watches cartoons on the TV in the living room until her parents wake up. When they finally walk downstairs at seven Santana is practically bouncing off the walls with excitement.

Mami helps her pour a bowl of raisin bran – her dad is very adamant when it comes to healthy breakfasts, 'It's the most important meal of the day, Mija.' And she eats it at a record speed, only slowing down when her mom tells her that she'll be sick if she eats too fast.

She dashes upstairs when she's finished and brushes her teeth. She does this at regular speed, she's still got all her baby teeth, but she only wants them to fall out if they're ready too, not because they're so rotten that ruin her big teeth as well – then she'd have a holey smile for the rest of her life, and that's one of her top ten fears (number one is spiders).

She leaves the bathroom and enters her bedroom, her mom has been in here and opened the curtains for her and sunlight streams in, lighting up the pale pink walls and butterfly posters that adorn them. Santana opens her closet and stands there for a moment, staring at all of her options – she went on a big shopping trip with Abuela and Mami when Papi got his new job and they could afford to buy new clothes to fill the closet in the new house.

It's already starting to get cold outside, so she pulls on a pair of black tights and selects a pink t-shirt with a purple butterfly emblazoned across the front to go with them. Brittany wears pink to school every day, so Santana hopes she likes the shirt.

Maribel enters her room with a hairbrush and Santana sits on the floor in front of her bed while she brushes her hair, trying to wrangle the frizz into something acceptable. Santana likes to leave her hair out, she knows it looks crazy, but she likes the way it falls around her, dark brown curls framing her face and making her eyes stand out. Mami decides that she's wearing braids today since she's going to be playing and they're less likely to fall out the moment she starts running. Twenty minutes later, she has two braids running down her back, each tied with a hair tie and a small pink ribbon that matches her shirt.

Her mom forces her into a purple jacket with a quick, 'It's cold outside, Mija.' And stands next to her as she deliberately ties the shoelaces of her purple sneakers. This was a new skill that they had been working on for the new school year, sometimes Santana needs Mami or Papi to tighten the laces, but most of the time she can do it herself.

'Ready to go, Santana-Banana?' Papi asks as bounces down the stairs to the front door.

She nods enthusiastically and grins. He grabs her hand and takes the keys off the hook. Maribel gives Santana a kiss on the head and tells her she'll pick her up at five after her work shift ends.

Santana's whole body vibrates with excitement as Papi straps her into her car seat – she's six now, so technically she only needs a booster seat, but she's small, one of the smallest in her class, so she stays in the car seat just in case.

The Pierce's only live a few streets away, if she wants to go to Brittany's again, Papi says they can walk over, but he has to go to work after he drops her off, so today they'll drive. He also tells Santana that maybe they can start catching the bus home from school together and stay at each other's houses in the afternoon. That makes Santana even more excited, she promises herself that she'll be on her best behaviour all day so that she gets invited back to the Pierce's and she and Brittany will be allowed to spend extra time together each day.

Their car pulls up in front of a house that looks fairly similar to her own. It's about the same size as hers, but brown brick instead of white. The front lawn is slightly overgrown and unlike Santana's, there aren't any plants other than a few rosebushes up against the front wall. The moment they moved into the new house, Papi planted a garden out the front complete with hedges and stones rimming the edges. Their house looks very formal, as though a dinner party will be held at any time – Brittany's looks cosier; a soccer ball sits on the grass and the white picket fence that closes off the yard reminds Santana of the traditional houses and families in Abuela's telenovelas.

Papi opens the gate for Santana who skips happily up to the front door and after looking back at Papi for confirmation reaches up and rings the doorbell. It takes about three seconds for Santana to hear a squeal from within the house and then the sound of running footsteps. A voice calls out, much closer to the door before it swings open and Santana is staring up at Whitney Pierce.

Suddenly, Santana feels quite shy and grabs onto Papi's leg for support. Whitney holds the door open wider and gestures for them to enter, 'Good morning,' She says with a wide smile. 'How are you, sweetheart?'

Javier nudges his daughter with his knee, prompting her to answer shyly, 'I'm good thank you, Mrs Pierce. How are you?'

Whitney grins at Santana, 'I'm very good thank you,' Papi pushes Santana through the door and Whitney shuts it behind them, 'Brittany's waiting in the living room.' She guides them to the first doorway on the left, which leads to a spacious room. Brittany sits on the couch facing the doorway, she jumps up when she sees Santana and a wide grin lights up her face. Santana notices that her smile make her eyes shine even more than normal.

'Hi Santana,' Brittany waves shyly, 'I like your butterfly shirt.'

Santana looks at her shirt and back up at Brittany, 'Thanks, you like pink; that's why I picked it.'

Brittany's smile grows even bigger, 'Pink's my favorite color!' She turns to her mother, 'Mom, can we go upstairs to my room, I want to show Charity to Santana.'

With her mother's confirmation and after waiting for Santana's Papi to kiss her on the head and tell her to have fun, Brittany grabs Santana's hand and drags her towards the staircase. Santana feels a jolt inside of her when their hands meet, and clutches Brittany's hand back, gripping it tightly and never wanting to let go. They make it to the second step before Brittany's long legs make longer strides and she's bouncing up the stairs faster than Santana can manage. Brittany's hand slips from Santana's as she pulls ahead, and Santana feels another jolt at the loss.

Brittany slows for a second, letting Santana catch up – Santana reaches out her hand again to grab Brittany's at the same time that Brittany reaches down to grab hers. Their hands miss one another and start to fall back to their sides, but at the last second, Santana swings hers up again and brushes her hand past Brittany's. Her pinky hooks onto Brittany's, for a second she feels as though she should try and grab her hand properly, but Brittany curls her finger up to fit with Santana's and keeps dragging her up the stairs, pinkies linked together.

She pulls her into the first room at the top of the stairs, Santana holts in the doorway – the room is so perfectly Brittany. She doesn't know how to describe it, but everything in the room is something that aligns with Brittany so well; the walls are pink with the except of the back wall which is covered in a blue floral wallpaper, the double bed has a pink comforter on it, and the walls are littered with certificates and photos.

'I like your room,' Santana says, 'It's very pretty.'

Brittany squeezes her pinky finger, 'Thanks, I helped decorate it myself when we moved.'

Santana nods, 'I moved in the summer too, into a new house,' She decides that she doesn't want to keep any secrets from Brittany, 'I wasn't allowed to decorate my old room, but I picked the color for my new room.'

'What color is it?'

'Pink,' Santana smiles.

Brittany's eyes light up again, 'We match!' She looks over to the corner and says, 'Come on, Santana, meet Charity.' She gestures to a ball of fur that Santana had mistaken for a blanket lying on a blue armchair in the corner.

They approach the ball slowly together; Brittany doesn't let go of her pinky as she reaches out and strokes the lump – the lump lifts its head and purrs at them. 'Charity,' Brittany coos, 'Meet Santana, my friend.'

Santana holts at the word 'friend' she's never had anyone call her a friend before, she looks at Charity then looks up at Brittany, who is staring at her, blue eyes wide and watchful. 'Hi Charity,' She says softly, 'I'm Santana. Brittany's my best friend, but I'm happy to share her with you.'

Brittany's arms wrap around her in a hug before Santana even gets the words out properly, Santana squeezes back and feels the jolt again. She doesn't let go until Charity purrs again and Brittany pulls back to stroke her head before looking at Santana, the crystal blue of her eyes seems even brighter than before, 'Thank you for being my friend, Santana.'

Santana grabs Brittany's pinky with her own again and squeezes, 'Always.' She whispers and Brittany hugs her again, even tighter than before.

They sit on the floor together and play with Charity. Brittany teaches her how to roll a ball of wool away from herself in the right way so that she could pull on the string and the ball would roll back up. Charity paws at the wool and meows softly while chasing it around the room. One time, Santana rolls it too far and Charity does a giant leap to catch up with it. It looks so funny that both of the girls are rolling around on the floor laughing so hard they can't breathe. Charity meows insistently at them to keep rolling the wool.

Santana laughs so hard she rolls into the wall. One of the pictures comes unstuck upon the impact and flutters down to land on Santana's leg. When they finally manage to stop laughing, she passes it to Brittany, 'Sorry, this fell.'

' 's okay,' Brittany takes the photo and goes to hang it back up, ' 's just a picture.'

Santana looks at the picture and stops. She thinks it's an odd image to be hanging in a kids bedroom; it's all white, except for a face in the middle, which has its eyes closed and Band-Aids stuck on each cheek and the chin, blond hair surrounds the face and what looks like grey plastic sits where the neck is supposed to be. Santana frowns at the photo.

Brittany notices her look, 'That's me,' She explains, pointing to the face, 'In the hospital…'

'Oh,' Santana realizes that the face is, in fact, Brittany's, 'After your accident?'

Brittany nods, 'This when I was in my special sleep.' She points to the grey plastic, 'That's called a neck brace, it made my neck better. I had to wear it even after I woke up all the way until I moved here.'

'Why do you have Band-Aids on your face?'

' 's 'cause I had scratches, from the car, they all gone now though,' Brittany smiles as though she is proving her point.

'Are you okay now?' Santana asks.

'Mmmhmm,' Brittany nods, 'All better, I just have to be careful when I run.'

Santana nods, 'I'll protect you.'

Brittany links their pinkies again, 'Thank you.'

Whitney calls them down to have lunch a few minutes later. They keep their pinkies linked together as they skip down the stairs into the kitchen.

'What would you like on your sandwich, Santana?' Whitney asks.

Santana points to the grape jelly and Whitney begins spreading it on a slice of white bread.

'Santana,' Brittany says, 'Do you want peanut butter as well, peanut butter and jelly is my favorite.'

Santana shakes her head, 'I'm not allowed.'

Brittany furrows her brow, 'Why?'

'She's allergic sweetheart,' Whitney responses.

'To peanut butter and jelly?'

'Just to peanuts, sweetheart.' Whitney pats Brittany on the shoulder.

'Oh,' She looks at Santana, 'What happens if you eat them?'

'I can't breathe,' Santana answers, 'It's never happened since I was little, I don't remember what it feels like.' She points to the small bag that she brought with her, 'I have a special medicine in there in case I do eat them accidentally.'

Brittany turns to her mom, 'I don't want peanut butter, just jelly.'

Santana shakes her head, 'You can still have it.'

Brittany shakes her head back, 'If you can't have it, I don't want it.'

They eat at the bench and then Brittany drags her to the backyard to play in her treehouse. 'My daddy built it,' She tells Santana.

They climb the ladder that's nailed to the tree and enter the treehouse through a trapdoor which Brittany closes behind them. 'Welcome,' She says, 'To the best place ever.'

Santana looks around. It's a fairly normal-looking treehouse, there's a small kitchen area complete with a plastic stove and oven, a little table which is covered in mismatched teacups, and a thin foam mattress on the floor in one corner. The walls are covered in Brittany's drawing and painting, each hung perfectly straight, with four bits of tape placed diagonally over each corner. Santana spots the painting Brittany was doing on their first day of school.

'It's perfect,' She says.

They sit on the floor and draw; they keep their pinkies linked – Santana's right and Brittany's left hooked together on the ground in between their knees. Santana draws the treehouse, while Brittany draws the tree it goes in. Santana's just gotten to coloring the red windows when Brittany speaks.

'Santana,' Her voice is soft, 'Can I ask you a question?'

'Yeah.'

'Why didn't you say a word?'

'What?'

Brittany looks at her, 'On the first day, you were supposed to say a word about yourself, but you didn't?'

Santana's eyes meet hers, 'I don't know how to describe myself.' She answers truthfully.

Brittany shrugs, 'All the others just said happy or tall, you could have said something like that.'

'Abuela taught me that I should always tell the truth. I didn't know what the truth was, so I didn't say anything.' Santana leans her head on Brittany's shoulder.

'Who's Abuela?'

'My grandma.'

'Oh,' Brittany looks at her again, 'You could've said beautiful, that would have been true.'

Santana pulls her head off Brittany's shoulder, 'I'm not beautiful,' She shakes her head.

Brittany smiles, 'Yes you are. You're the most beautiful.'

Santana giggles, 'That's not true.'

'Yes, it is!'

'No, it's not. 'Cause you're the most beautiful, Britt-Britt.'

Brittany giggles, 'Britt-Britt?' Her giggles turn into laughs, 'Only my grandpa calls me Britt-Britt.'

Santana wrinkles her nose, 'I can stop.'

Brittany shakes her head, 'No, I liked it.' Santana laughs along with her, 'But only if I can call you San.'

Santana frowns but nods, 'Fine.'

Brittany squeezes their pinkies together tightly, 'Britt-Britt and San.' She whispers.

Santana puts her head on Brittany's shoulder and squeezes her pinky in return, 'Together forever.' She whispers back.

'Together forever,' Brittany echoes.


	2. light pink sky up on the roof, sun sinks down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re nine the first time they kiss.  
It’s a moment neither of them anticipated or expected. In fact, it happened quite suddenly, in the moment.  
They say that bad (and good) things come in threes, but the events that lead up to the moment their lips first touch prove otherwise – because the time prior were filled with both terrible and fantastic moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
Here's chapter two! I hope it's better than the last one, I did try very hard to make it more descriptive, but I haven't written in a while so I do apologize if it's terrible.  
Please let me know if you notice any mistakes (I'm not very good at editing) and I'll fix them right away.  
I hope you enjoy!  


They're nine the first time they kiss.

It's a moment neither of them anticipated or expected. In fact, it happened quite suddenly, in the moment.

They say that bad (and good) things come in threes, but the events that lead up to the moment their lips first touch prove otherwise – because the time prior were filled with both terrible and fantastic moments.

It begins almost a full year after they first met. During the summer, a few days before the start of the school year, they're seven then and in the heat of the summer, anything felt possible:

Santana bounces on the balls of her feet in anticipation; she's waiting on the doorstep of a brown-brick house, preparing to see Brittany again for the first time in three whole weeks. Her hands shake slightly as she raises a fist to rap hard on the front door. Brittany arrived home yesterday, but Santana hadn't been allowed to come over until her family was settled back in and ready to receive guests.

Pierce Pierce opens the door with a look of mock confusion plastered on his face. He looks at Santana and asks in a deep voice, 'Who's there?'

Santana giggles and waves up at Brittany's father, 'It's me, Mr Pierce!'

He frowns down at her, before the act becomes too much and a wide grin breaks out across his face, 'Of course it's you, Santana-Banana!' He ushers her inside, 'Now get in here before Britty dies of boredom while waiting for you.'

She swings her pink duffle bag over her shoulder and jumps over the threshold, Pierce gives her shoulder a friendly tap as she passes him before practically launching her up the stairs with the force of his shove, encouraging her to go and see Brittany.

She doesn't even make it to Brittany's bedroom before she's being tackled in a hug by a ball of blonde, she's still on the stairs, so one of her hand wraps around the banister to prevent them from falling backwards. Her other arm curls around Brittany pulling her as close as she can without overbalancing them. Brittany stands on the step above Santana, so she towers over her even more than usual – Santana doesn't mind though, she tucks her head under Brittany's chin. The ends of blonde hair tickle her nose, but she doesn't move; opting instead to remove her left hand from the banister and wrap it around Brittany too, holding her for as long as possible.

They finally pull apart when Charity meows at them from the top of the stairs and they burst into giggles as the old cat tries to force her way into their hug and get some Santana time as well. The force of their laughter causes Santana to grasp the banister again to stop herself from toppling down the stairs, taking a very insistent cat with her.

Charity meows again and tentatively moves down the stairs to rub against Santana's leg. Santana bends down and scoops her up in response, cradling her close to her body and stroking her back softly. Charity begins to purr, and Santana offers Brittany her left pinky, Brittany hooks her own finger loosely around Santana's and pulls her into her bedroom.

'I missed you,' She says as Santana dumps her duffle bag on the end of her bed.

'I missed you too, Britt-Britt.'

'I think Charity missed you more,' Brittany looks at her cat who is still curled up in Santana's arms.

Santana's brown eyes gleam when she looks at Brittany, before gently placing Charity on the bed as well. Her arms wrap around Brittany again and she sighs into Brittany's hair, 'I don't think that's possible.'

They stay like that for a while, wrapped up in each other; it was only three weeks, but it felt like a lifetime.

Santana pulls away when her arms start to ache from reaching up too high to wrap around Brittany's neck. 'How was your family?' She asks.

Brittany shrugs in response, 'Okay, it's only been a year, they haven't changed much.' She pauses, 'It was nice to see my grandparents though, I missed them,' A smiles curls its way up the corners of her mouth, 'Not as much as I missed you though.'

A blush creeps onto Santana's cheeks and she looks at the ground while muttering, 'I missed you so much, too.'

Brittany holds her finger up to Santana's face, Santana frowns at her, expecting Brittany to poke her nose gently and say _'boop'_ like she does to Charity. Instead, Brittany guides her finger to Santana's eyelids and slowly pulls them shut. Santana feels incredibly confused – to be fair, it's a common emotion around Brittany – but keeps her eyes shut anyway; there's always a meaning behind Brittany's madness.

She hears Brittany take a few steps away from her, and the soft patter of her feet as she tiptoes across the room, trying very hard to keep her movements secret, but not quite managing to hide them completely. There's a barely audible _creak_, which Santana assumes is Brittany's closet door being opened, and then quiet rustling as Brittany looks for something. The rustling goes on for a few moments; Brittany is known to hide things from others and then forget where she put them herself. Santana hears the movement stop and then the softest _squeak_ escapes Brittany's mouth and Santana can't help but smile at the image of Brittany's excited face that swims behind her closed eyelids – an image that is perfectly replicated on Brittany a few feet away.

The taps of her feet are louder as she makes her way back to Santana, the excite of the secret becoming too much. Brittany grabs Santana's hand and pulls it out in front of her, placing a small, cold item in the palm and then curling her fingers up around it to prevent it from slipping out.

Santana waits for Brittany's instruction to reopen her eyes, but it doesn't come. She stands frozen, eyes shut at the foot of Brittany's bed, arm outstretched, hand wrapped around the item, waiting. Then, after what feels like a whole minute, Brittany's hands are on her face again, gentling prying her eyelids open.

Santana's eyes fall on Brittany's face first, so close to her own. Santana notices, for the first time since she entered, the new smattering of freckles across Brittany's nose; the way the skin on her forehead is slightly red – a direct contrast to the blue of her eyes, which stand out even more against the fresh tan that has appeared due to the sun and heat of the summer. A summer, which unlike Santana, Brittany spent on the beaches that surround her grandparent's house in Seattle.

Brittany's face is so close, and Santana feels a jolt in her stomach again, the same jolt she felt the first time they linked pinkies, a jolt that is very common when she's around Brittany. Suddenly, she's overcome with an overwhelming urge to be even closer to Brittany in a way she can't even comprehend.

Then, Brittany tugs on her arm, still held out in front of her, prompting her to pull her eyes away from Brittany's and look downwards towards the item held in her hand. A gasp escapes her lips as she pulls the item closer to her face, inspecting it closely.

It's a small snow globe, unlike one Santana has ever seen before. All the snow globes Santana has seen before have been cities, with the names emblazoned across the base and snow that falls gently around the buildings. This was completely different; the base was made from wood, and the glass dome encased not a city, but a small plastic tree with a treehouse rising from the leaves on the lowest branch. There was no snow in this snow globe, instead, tiny plastic autumn leaves lay on the bottom surrounding the base of the tree. Santana gave it a gentle shake and the leaves rise up, swirling around the treehouse like real leaves do in as October draws to a close.

Santana looks up at Brittany with wide eyes. It's the best gift anyone's ever gotten her.

'I saw it in a store at the airport just before we came home,' Brittany explains, 'I got one for me too.'

Santana doesn't speak, she thinks if she does, she might start crying.

'It reminded me of our treehouse.'

It's the word _'our'_ that makes the breath leave Santana's lungs, because the treehouse isn't hers, it's never been hers – it belongs to Brittany and Brittany's family, it was built by Brittany's dad, in Brittany's backyard; a backyard in a house that certainly isn't hers. But here Brittany is calling the treehouse theirs. Santana understands, Brittany told her, very shortly after they met, that before she met Santana she hardly ever went into the treehouse, only went in there to hang up her picture or if she was mad or angry. Brittany thinks the treehouse is _theirs_, so, Santana decides that the treehouse can be hers.

Brittany sighs next to her, 'They're just for us. Maybe the treehouse won't always be just for us, but these will be.' Her voice is slightly detached, an octave higher than usual. Santana frowns at her but doesn't say anything – Brittany will talk to her when she wants to talk to her, she always does. Santana just pulls her into another hug.

'Thank you,' She whispers into Brittany's hair, then, 'It will always be ours, even if it's not.'

For a moment, Santana allows herself to think about what Brittany meant by her words, _'the treehouse won't always be ours'_ her immediate thought is that Brittany is moving back to Seattle, that after a year away her parents thought she was well enough to go back. Santana also knows that it's true, Brittany has gotten better; she's still quiet and shy, and sometimes scared, but she talks in class, she stands taller, she's more comfortable in her ability to do things by herself. You can see evidence of her recovery just by looking at her; her eyes are always brighter; her skin is less pale, and she holds herself with her shoulders back – confidence exists that didn't before.

Santana shakes the panic away the second it appears. She knows Whitney and Pierce wouldn't do that to their daughter; she knows Brittany is happier in Lima than she ever was in Seattle, even before her accident – she knows Brittany's parents know that too. Deep down she hopes that they also know that Brittany got better largely because of Santana, because she was there with quiet words of encouragement, hugs in scared moments, her voice when she didn't feel like speaking, and a presence at night during sleepovers to prevent nightmares. She desperately hopes they saw how sad Brittany was when she had to leave, even for three weeks and never make her do that permanently.

She pulls Brittany tighter into the hug and hopes that she'll never have to let her go.

\----------

It's hours later when Brittany does talk to her.

They've eaten dinner by then and Whitney is running them a bath. Brittany goes to her cupboard and pulls out two new rubber ducks, a pink one for her and a purple one for Santana. They walk to the bathroom in silence, pinkies hooked in the space between them. It's comfortable, something they're used to, it's almost a routine at this point – they've had countless sleepovers in the past year and each follows the same structure; dinner, bath, movie, brush teeth, then bed. Santana finds it oddly comforting to fall back into this routine after three weeks of no sleepovers; normally they had one every weekend and the number had risen throughout summer vacation, Santana had spent nearly five days in a row at Brittany's at one point, only leaving to retrieve more clothes from her house.

Whitney is just adding bubble bath to the rising water as they enter the bathroom and she smiles at them, hands resting on her hips in a way Santana has never seen before. She looks pointedly at Brittany and reminds her to turn the hot tap off first, then the cold one and to make sure to do it before the water overflows, before leaving the room.

Santana's never been shy about getting undressed in front of other people, not people she knows at least, she bathed at her Abuela's a lot when she was little and normally there would be all kinds of cousins and aunts and uncles hanging around. Whitney always leaves the room though; it's like a strange trust she has in Santana, a trust that Santana won't let the bathtub overflow because she'll always remind Brittany to turn the taps off before it gets to full.

Neither Brittany or Santana look away from the other as they pull their clothes off, again, it's a routine, and they've each other's skin more times than they can count. Santana knows that they'll grow out of this part of their routine as they get older; they'll get too big to fit in the bathtub together while sitting at opposite ends. She's seen her Abuela's telenovelas where couples occasionally take baths together, sitting at the same end, wrapped up in one another. She feels like she'll never be uncomfortable around Brittany, but when they're older and they have boyfriends she knows they won't be able to sit in the bath like that. It makes her feel sad in a strange way that their friendship won't always be the same; that they'll find other people and even though they'll still have each other it won't just be each other – there'll be other people hugging Brittany and taking baths with her, and other people hugging Santana and taking baths with her.

She likes the way it feels taking a bath with Brittany; just them alone in a quiet room, the water sloshing around the tub as they move rubber ducks through bubbles, the way the warm water feels on cool skin, washing the day away; the way their legs rub together under the water, smoother than when they're dry.

Today though, Brittany is silent as she turns off the tap, not even waiting for Santana's reminder, and climbs into the tub. She leaves her rubber duck on the edge of the bath and begins scooping soap suds onto a washcloth and runs it up and down her arms. Santana waits, knowing the silence means Brittany is working out how to say something and once she figures it out the silence will be broken.

It doesn't even take a full minute for Brittany to speak.

'My mom's having a baby.' He voice is soft, barely above a whisper, and yet it still seems to echo around the tiles of the bathroom.

Santana just stares with wide eyes, that was not what she had been expecting.

'Mom and dad told me last week, in Seattle before they told my grandparents.' Her face is so sad and yet still so bright.

Santana finds her voice, 'Is that a good thing or a bad thing?'

'I can't decide.'

Brittany looks at her and it's the same face she pulled when Santana's seat was moved next to her last year, so many emotions all at once. Santana prompts her, 'Why?'

Her face falls and Santana knows this is reason Brittany's been acting strange, 'What if daddy doesn't love me anymore?'

She halts and reaches out to push the hair away from Brittany's face, 'Why wouldn't he love you anymore?'

'I'm not stupid, Santana,' Her voice shakes slightly, 'I know he's not actually my dad.'

Santana freezes, confused, 'What do you mean he's not your dad?'

'I mean he's Korean and I'm not,' Brittany says quietly, 'Which means he can't be my dad.'

Santana's brain whirrs, trying to process the information. She knows that Pierce didn't look anything like Brittany and logically, she realizes, that means he's not biologically her dad. But she's seen them together, he acts like her dad, he does everything a dad is supposed to do – sometimes even more than her Papi does for her. 'So?' She says. 'He's still your dad,' Brittany gives her a look, a look that is usually reserved for Charity when she's done something naughty; like the time she unravelled the toilet paper roll and spread it across the house. Santana continues, 'One of Rachel Berry's dads isn't actually her father, but that doesn't mean he's not her dad. And she has to have a mother somewhere, but that woman isn't her mom.' She pauses, trying to gauge Brittany's reaction. 'Pierce is your dad because he loves you as his daughter and you love him as your dad. Not because he looks like you.'

Brittany considers this for a moment, then she leans forward and grasps Santana's hand, not her pinky, her whole hand. 'Thank you,' She says sincerely.

'He's gonna keep loving you, just as much as he loves the new baby,' Brittany squeezes her hand tighter. 'And Britt-Britt?'

'Yeah?'

'You're going to be an amazing big sister.' Santana says.

'You think so?'

She nods. She can picture it in her head, Brittany teaching someone about the world in the special way only Brittany can see it, Brittany laughing with a smaller version of herself, teaching the mini-Britt how to dance and how to play. Brittany loving her sibling in the only way she knows how to love, wholly, completely and unconditionally. Sometimes Santana wishes she knew how to love something even the tiniest amount of the way Brittany does. The love and brightness radiates off her in a way that makes Santana slightly dizzy. She wonders what it must be like to never feel the dark sadness creeping in.

'You're going to be the most amazing sister that's ever existed.' She squeezes Brittany's hand, still linked with her own, 'I know it.'

\----------

The day Brittany becomes a big sister is the same day Santana sees Brittany properly cry for the first time.

It's near the end of March and Brittany's just started to get impatient about the arrival of her new brother or sister. The hesitancy she felt at first over her sibling's place in the family had quickly faded, replaced instead with excitement at the prospect of having someone little to play with along with Santana, someone who could be the kid or the dog when they wanted to play house, but both wanted to be the parents. When that happened now they either took turns being the mummy or played weddings instead; they took turns waiting at the 'alter' and walking down the aisle, making fake vows and imaging who they would marry one day. It would be nice, Brittany decided, to have a third person to play with.

Her excitement turned to impatience when she discovered how long it would take for her mommy to grow her new sibling. And just over six months after she'd found out that there would be a new baby – she was ready to get the baby now.

Her mother had gently explained that they had to wait for the baby to be ready, and they would leave mommy's tummy when they wanted to. Every night before bed, she lay with mommy and placed her head on her tummy and silently told baby that she was ready for them to come out, promising that she wasn't a mean or scary big sister, but a nice one that just wanted to meet her.

When Santana came over on Saturday's for their sleepover, she made her join in too – they'd lie on either side of Whitney, heads resting gently on her stomach, both sending silent messages to the baby. Santana told Brittany's sister that Brittany was the best friend ever, and she couldn't wait for someone else to see how amazing Brittany was; she told the baby that Brittany really, really wanted her sibling and they were all looking forward to meeting them if they could please come out of Whitney's tummy soon._ Anything to Britt-Britt happy_, she told baby.

Santana had never met a pregnant lady before, and it fascinated her to sit next to Whitney and watch the baby move. It was kind of strange, the way she could see their hands and feet pressed up against Whitney's belly and know there was baby in there that would one day be Brittany's little brother or sister. Secretly she hoped it would be a sister because then she would be exactly like Britt.

Whitney went into labor at seven am on a Tuesday, three days before her due date. Her and Pierce had agreed that unless it was the middle of the night, they wouldn't tell Brittany what was happening, otherwise she would be too excited and worried to focus on anything else. Instead, Whitney calmly called Maribel and asked her to take Brittany to school, and kissed Brittany on the head before she left, telling her she loved her. Pierce joined in the hug, and Whitney realized with a jolt that this was the last time they would be together as a family of three. She felt both sad and excited about that, she knew her time would now be split between Brittany and her younger sibling, but she also knew that Brittany was going to love the baby and the baby would love her right back.

Maribel helped Brittany climb into the car, her booster seat was a permanent fixture in the Lopez's car now, just like Santana's was in the Pierce's – though that would have to be moved to make room for the baby. Santana's feet swung excitedly as Brittany strapped herself in, most mornings she had to wait till she got to school to see Brittany, today was extra special.

Santana got out of the car first when they pulled up in front of school, looking both ways before opening her door and jumping out, running around to open Brittany's before she could do it herself. Brittany grinned at her and gave an overexaggerated curtsy, 'Why thank you.' She said in a fake British accent – they'd recently watched Anne of Green Gables, which wasn't British, but Brittany did the accent anyway; it always made Santana laugh.

Maribel kissed both of them on the head, before turning to Brittany, 'You're coming to our house after school, okay? So, walk home with Santana.'

Brittany frowned, 'Why?'

'Your mommy has a doctor's appointment.'

'Oh, okay.' Her mom did have a lot of doctor's appointments recently to make sure the baby was growing properly. She'd gone with her to a few and seen baby on the special machine that could see inside mommy's tummy. Baby had looked funny on the machine, mostly, Brittany thinks, because the machine was in black and white and baby will be in color. They had been so small the first time Brittany went with her mom, and she was excited for her to come home with a new picture of the machine for Brittany to hang on her wall, documenting how big baby was getting. The last time, two weeks ago, the doctor had said that baby was almost big enough to come out of mommy's tummy – Brittany wonders how much bigger they need to get, they're very big already.

Santana's pinky hooks into hers as they skip away from Maribel towards their classroom. It's a bigger room than last year, in second grade the two first grade classes combine to form one big class. Brittany liked that; more people meant less attention on her, fewer people that expected her to talk or to be able to answer a question. Santana hated it; more people meant more people who didn't understand her, who didn't understand Brittany – people who made fun of Brittany for her quiet voice or her tendency to write in crayon instead of pencil. People who called Santana mean and Brittany stupid without even knowing them at all. Brittany never heard when people called her names, Santana made sure she didn't; she distracted her from their words by asking her about Charity or baby, or interrupted conversations with rude comments before others could get their words out, prompting the teasing to turn to her instead.

Brittany is sunshine and Santana is darkness. Darkness always hides sunshine just like Santana hides Brittany from the bullies.

They enter the classroom together and place their bags in their cubbies. Santana pulls Brittany's lunchbox out of her bag and sets it next to the bag – Brittany never forgets to eat anymore, not since last year, but Santana still does it anyway. They keep their pinkies linked as they walk into the center of the room – their teacher uses the middle of the room as a 'central learning space' and keeps the area free of desks, most of the time he stands in the middle and talks to the students, spinning to face all of them as they sit at their desks which sit in a circular arrangement around the space. Santana can't help but laugh every time he does it, she doesn't understand how he doesn't get dizzy spinning in circles all day.

Unlike Miss Clifford, Mr Pete separated Brittany and Santana the moment he saw them walk into class pinkies linked on the first day of the year. According to him, his classroom is a place of collaboration and they must all be willing to step outside their comfort zone and embrace new people. Both Maribel and Whitney complained about the arrangement, stating that Santana and Brittany need one another to achieve their best potential. Mr Pete called this 'co-dependence' and labelled it a bad thing, so despite protests from Miss Clifford who backed up Maribel and Whitney, during class time they are not to be seated together.

Santana hates this arrangement even more than she hates the larger classroom, who's going to protect Brittany if she's not allowed to?

They stand together in the middle of the room, neither of them says anything, they just unhook pinkies and walk to their desks on opposite sides of the room. Brittany probably got the worst deal in terms of desk mates, she sits in between Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman, aka the two people Santana wants to protect Brittany from the most. Santana knows that they're both mostly harmless in the classroom – their teasing words only appear on the playground away from the eyes and ears of teachers, but she still feels a pang of guilt every time she lets Brittany walk towards them alone. Santana's left-handed, so she's given the end seat to prevent her elbow getting in the way when she writes – not that it's really an issue, she knows how to use her limbs properly, but Mr Pete insisted it would be beneficial. The only real benefit is that she only has to sit next to one person instead of two, and luckily for her, that person happens to be Kurt Hummel, who despite his habit of wearing strange clothing combinations, is harmless and most of the time; quiet.

It takes five minutes of class time for something to go wrong.

Mr Pete starts the lesson by handing back their spelling tests from the previous day. He passes them out one by one, starting at Santana's end of the circle of tables and working his way around. Santana looks down at hers, 10/10, what she'd expected – the one thing Santana could confidently say she was good at besides being Brittany's friend, was reading and writing. When she was younger and her dad was still in medical school, her and Abuela would spend hours practicing her reading. Being an immigrant, education was important to Abuela and she was determined to make sure that Santana always stayed on top. Not that Santana minded; she loved reading and was already completing chapter books made for ten-year-olds without any assistance.

On the other side of the room, Rachel is complaining to Mr Pete about her mark and Santana can't hear anything over the drone of her voice which is slowly getting higher and higher. Because of this, she doesn't hear what Finn Hudson says to Brittany, in fact, she doesn't notice anything's happened at all until Mr Pete says, 'Brittany where are you going?'

She looks to the door just in time to see Brittany exit, it's not obvious, but Santana can tell she's crying. As her body whips around the doorframe, Santana catches the glint of tears beginning to spill out of her eyes.

Her body takes over in an automatic response. She pushes back her chair and walks across the classroom. She sees Finn snickering in his seat and white-hot rage fills her veins, pushing her to walk faster, she can feel her pulse in her forehead; pounding rage through her body.

Her fist collides with Finn's face before she even registers that she was going to punch him. It was a thought-out action, just one that happened. She doesn't remember clenching her fist or pulling it back, but she feels the impact and the pain that goes along with it. She notes that Finn's nose immediately starts bleeding, but she doesn't hear Mr Pete yelling at her as she turns again and sprints out the door.

She knows she's in trouble, but that's not why she's running; she needs to find Brittany. Her feet carry her down the corridor at top speed – her ears seem to be working again and she strains to listen for any sound that might clue her in to where Brittany is. She knows that Brittany wouldn't go to the bathroom, too much chance that someone else might be in there. She has to find her. Brittany won't calm down until she finds her.

She skids to a halt in front of a janitor's closet, about 200 meters down the hall from their classroom, just next to the third grader's room. She presses her ear against the door, she hears the faint sound of heavy breathing. She knows it's Brittany, just based on the way the breaths are contained, quiet, not meant to bother anyone – the way Brittany behaves when she's surrounded by people.

'Brittany,' She knocks softly on the door, 'It's Santana, can I come in.'

There's no response so Santana swings the door open and crawls inside, pushing the door shut behind her. It's dark in the tiny room, but light enough that Santana can still see Brittany curled up in the corner, sobbing into her knees. Momentarily, Santana pictures hundreds of spiders waiting in the dark space, ready to attack, but she pushes her fears away and sidles up next to Brittany. She wraps her arms around her and pulls her into a tight hug.

Brittany moves her head and sobs in Santana's stomach, curling herself around her friend, holding onto her like she's the only thing keeping her together. Santana's seen Brittany cry before, but never like this. She's seen Brittany's pained cry many times when she's scrapped knees or twisted ankles. She's seen Brittany's sad cry when Santana had to leave her house the first time. She's seen Brittany's tired cry, her overwhelmed cry, her angry cry and her scared cry. But she's never seen Brittany cry like this; this is a combination of all of Brittany's cries combined in one, it's heartbreaking and Santana hates it. It makes her want to go back outside and punch Finn Hudson a few hundred more times. But she knows she can't, she just needs to be here for Brittany.

They stay there until Brittany's sobs slow down, until she raises her head and says, 'He called me stupid.'

Santana's heart breaks again because Brittany knows. She's finally heard what Santana has been trying to protect her from.

Brittany sits up slightly, but still rests most of her weight on Santana, 'I got six and he got five. He said: 'she's so stupid how did she beat me.''

Santana feels rage begin to course through her again. Because Brittany is anything but stupid. Sure, she lives in her own magical world with her head in the clouds, and sometimes she struggles with even the most basic of schoolwork, sometimes she forgets to eat or forgets to shower. But she's not stupid, she's the smartest, kindest, most amazing person Santana has ever met.

'He's wrong,' Santana's voice is hoarse.

'Is he?' Brittany's voice cracks as she speaks, a fresh wave of sobs taking over.

Santana strokes her hair. 'Britt-Britt,' She says, 'You are the smartest person I've ever met. Maybe you can't spell, and you don't know who the first American President was.' She pauses, 'But, you know more about cats than anyone ever, even the people on TV. You're the best at drawing and making up stories, you never do anything bad; I once saw you nurse a butterfly back to life after it's leg got broken, and-' Her hand falters in Brittany's hair, 'You always make me happy. So, I think that makes you a genius.'

'A genius?' Brittany looks up, red rimming her eyes, blue hidden by puffy edges and wet lashes.

'Yeah,' Santana nods, 'My genius.'

The door of the closet opens and Mr Pete stands in the doorway, framed by light and looking absolutely furious. Santana pulls Brittany to her feet and quickly links their pinkies together tightly; she doesn't want him to try and separate them.

He doesn't try to separate them; he doesn't even speak, just gestures for them to follow him. He leads them to the office and holds the door open as they file past him, he pulls out two chairs for them to sit on, then holds out his finger, telling them to wait there.

They sit, Santana notices that Finn and Noah also sit in the office, conveniently on the opposite side – Santana wouldn't put it past herself to punch him again. Puck holds a bloody tissue to the bottom of Finn's nose while Finn's own hand presses an icepack to the bridge of his nose, wincing in pain. Brittany looks confused at the sight, then, as their pinkies swing between them, catches a glimpse of her left hand, bruising around the knuckles. She doesn't tell Santana off like she expects, just gives a curt nod of acknowledgement. Santana takes that as a sign that she is forgiven for her violence, just this once.

One by one, they're called into the principal's office to give their account of what happened. Finn's nose is still bleeding, so Noah enters first – no doubt to tell some exaggerated version of events that paints Santana as an evil villain. Santana doesn't mind, Noah can say what he likes, but he already has two negative reports filed against him, Finn has one. Santana and Brittany have none, meaning, even if they get it trouble – Santana supposes she will – it won't be severe.

Brittany gets called next and it takes all of her willpower to let her pinky go so she can walk away from her. She disappears behind the wooden door and Santana feels utterly helpless without her She swings her feet against the legs of the chair.

Finn's mom enters the office a few moments after Brittany goes to talk to the principal. She rushes to her sons' side when she sees the blood and speaks to him for a few moments, taking over from Noah and holding the tissue to his nose – the bleeding has slowed to a tiny trickle. Finn nods his head in Santana's direction, and she looks over, frowning at her. Santana feels a minuscule wave of guilt wash over her, not about punching Finn – he deserved it – but for making his mom worry, she knows how much her mother worries about her when she's hurt, it's not her fault her son's a douche.

Brittany's barely been in the office two minutes when the door opens again. The principal looks over at Mrs Hudson, nods her head in that direction and then says something to the room behind her. Brittany walks out, eyes still swollen from crying and hold her hand out to Santana, who immediately latches her pinky onto Brittany's. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the frown on Finn's mother's face soften as she catches sight of Brittany and figures the women must have figured out some vague inclination of what happened.

Upon entering the office, Santana is told that Brittany is refusing to speak, so she relays what she told her in the dusty janitor's closet. She doesn't leave out that she punched Finn, she knows she's getting in trouble anyway and Mami always tells her that honesty is the best policy. She'll be fine as long as Brittany doesn't get in trouble.

When they exit the office, Maribel is sitting the chair Santana had previously occupied and she looks angry. Santana doesn't think she's ever seen her mother this angry before – not even when she accidentally broke her antique vase gifted to her by Abuela. Mami gives her a look, meaning_ 'we'll talk about this later'_, before turning to Brittany and producing a tissue to wipe away her remaining tears. They sit in silence, occasionally broken by Brittany's sniffs or Finn's winces. The office door opens again and Mrs Hudson and Mami are called in.

It doesn't take long. Santana assumes they're just being told what happened and the consequences. They emerge ten minutes later. Mrs Hudson gives Maribel a small smile which Maribel returns, before Santana and Brittany are being ushered out the door and heading outside towards the car.

Mami doesn't speak until two blocks from home, 'You're being suspended for three days, Mij.' She says.

Santana doesn't care, 'And Brittany?' She asks.

Maribel smiles at her in the rearview mirror, 'Just a warning, to not run out of class without telling at teacher again.'

She nods.

'Santana,' Her mom says, meeting her eyes in the mirror, 'Violence is never the answer, even when it's to protect Brittany.'

She knows her mother should be made, but she almost detects a hint of pride in her eyes. She sends them upstairs when they get home and lets them watch cartoons on the TV in her and Papi's room until dinnertime.

It's not until they're sitting at the dinner table that she speaks again. 'Brittany, you're staying over tonight.'

Brittany perks up for the first time in hours. She never gets to stay over at Santana's on a weekday; that must mean – 'Is baby coming?' She asks excitedly.

Maribel just nods, 'They'll probably be born tonight, but not until after you're in bed. I'll take you both to visit in the morning.'

Brittany and Santana share an excited look. They get to meet the new baby together. They both wolf down their dinner and run upstairs to get ready for bed, the faster they're asleep the sooner it will be morning.

They lie together in Santana's bed, eyes closed. Brittany has her arms wrapped around Santana's stomach; legs twisted together. She's asleep, exhausted from a day of crying and excitement. Santana can't sleep, her heart pounds with anticipation of meeting Brittany's new sibling – she wonders if they've been born yet; Papi explained to her that even when babies are ready to come out, sometimes it still takes a while. She wonders if Brittany has a little brother or a little sister; if their hair is blonde like Brittany and her mother, or dark like Pierce's.

She wonders if Brittany will forget about her when it's time to play in favor of her sibling. She knows it's ridiculous, Brittany had told her over and over again how excited she is to have someone to join in on _their_ games, the games they play together.

She looks over at Brittany, whose breathing is slow and even, each puff of air moving a few strands of hair that lay around her half-open mouth. Her eyes flutter in her sleep and Santana's eyes trace the pattern of freckles across her nose, noting how they remind her of tiny stars.

She's very pretty, Santana observes. Not that she's never noticed it before, but there are occasional moments where she becomes very aware of it, aware of Brittany's beauty and her proximity to it. In those moments she always feels the jolt in her stomach that she's come to know as her _'Brittany feeling'_. She gets that urge again, to do something, though she's not sure what.

'Britt-Britt,' She whispers into the darkness, 'You're my best friend.'

\----------

She must have fallen asleep very shortly after that because the next thing she's aware of is Brittany's weight flopping on top of her and shaking her awake.

'Get up! Get up!' Brittany shrieks in her ear, 'We need to go meet baby!'

Santana rolls over and looks at the time on her digital clock, 7:30, an acceptable time to be awake for a special occasion. She smiles up at Brittany who jumps off her and begins dancing around her room in what can only be described as a happy dance, wiggling her whole body in time to imaginary music. Santana's smile widens into a grin as she jumps out of bed and joins in, tapping her hips against Brittany's as they spin around the room.

They get dressed, both pulling on nice summer dresses, despite the cool air, 'We have to look nice for baby,' Brittany explains.

Santana braids Brittany's hair in one long plait that trails down her back, before they switch, and Brittany pulls a brush through the tangled mess that is her morning hair; smoothing it out and pulling it into a ponytail at the base of her neck.

They skip down the stairs, giggling, and Santana pours them each a bowl of Lucky Charms – which they hide from Papi specifically for when Brittany comes over. Santana picks the marshmallows out of hers and adds them to Brittany's bowl, knowing she likes extra.

It takes an hour longer than normal, but Maribel finally manages to wrangle to excited girls upstairs to brush their teeth, then into Santana's room to change into jeans and t-shirts, and finally into their booster seats in the car. Both girls bounce in their seats on the way to the hospital, Maribel puts in a CD and they sing Beyoncé songs the whole way, shaking the car with their enthusiastic dance moves.

They make it to the lobby of the hospital, then the elevators, then they're walking down the hallway and Brittany's tummy begins to churn. This is her sibling she's about to meet, what if she screws it all up and baby hates her forever? Santana seems to sense her nerves and holds out her pinky, waiting for Brittany to take it. She does and immediate feels a sense of calm wash over her as if Santana is sucking her nerves away.

They stop in front of a door, and Maribel sticks her head in, checking that they're ready, before ushering Brittany in. She holts Santana in the doorway, wanting to give the family a moment alone, but Whitney beckons to all of them to come in.

She's holding a bundle in her hands, the baby, Santana realizes, and she's shocked suddenly, by how small they are, smaller than Santana expected. Pierce lifts Brittany up on the bed next her mother and nods to Santana to stand beside Brittany, looking over her shoulder.

The baby has their eyes closed, but Brittany looks at her sibling with absolute wonder. Santana finds herself watching Brittany's reaction instead of the baby. Fascinated with the way Brittany's eyes have lit up as though she holds all the love in the world within them in.

Whitney smiles at her daughter and then lifts the bundle up, gently placing the baby into Brittany's lap, guiding her hand to support the head. 'Brittany,' She brushes hair out of her eyes, 'This is your sister, Ashley.'

Brittany runs her hand over her sister's face, 'Ashley,' She repeats softly, 'It's nice to meet you. I promise I'm going to be the best big sister ever.'

Santana grins at Brittany, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the sight of her best friend with her sister. She's fallen right into the role, looking perfect as she holds the baby so carefully, as though she might break her if she touches her properly.

'Santana,' Whitney turns to her, pulling her gaze away from Brittany. 'Her middle name is Anna.'

Santana nods, 'That's very pretty.'

Whitney shakes her head, 'We named her after you, Santana.'

She doesn't know how to react to that, 'Why?'

Behind her, she feels Mami place a hand on her shoulder as Whitney speaks, 'Because, you've been such an amazing friend to Brittany. We always want a piece of you in our family.'

Santana isn't quite old enough to truly understand the meaning behind the words, but she is old enough to realize that it's important. That these people love her just as much as they love both their daughters.

Brittany looks up from her sister and meets Santana's eyes, they're still filled with that warm look of love and wonder. 'She's a bit of both of us.' A smile spread across her face, 'She's a bit of me because she's my sister, and a bit of you because she has your name.'

Santana smiles back at the realization.

'It'll be like she's really ours when she's old enough to play house!' Brittany squeals.

Whitney and Maribel meet eyes and smile at one another.

\----------

It takes way longer than Brittany expected for Ashley to be big enough to play with them properly. Just like when she was waiting for her to be born, Brittany is excited at first, but quickly gets impatient when it doesn't happen fast enough.

Despite the fact that Ashley can't play house with her and Santana yet, she loves playing with her in other ways. At first, Ashley's favorite game is peek-a-boo and once Ashley is big enough to sit up on the couch, Brittany lies next to her for hours, covering her face and then moving her hands and pulling a funny face. Ashley's giggles never fail to make her smile in return – she floats floaty around Ashley, wanting to love her and protect her in any way she can and make sure she's always happy. Santana joins in her games whenever she comes over and they play peek-a-boo together, funny faces in unison and laughing at the wide-eyed expression on Ashley's face as she looks between them, brown eyes crinkled into a smile.

When Ashley is eighteen months old, Brittany decides she wants to teach her how to read. Whitney gently explains to her that she can try, but Ashley probably won't understand what is happening. Brittany doesn't care, she just wants to spend more time with her sister and help her be the smartest person she can be. The only problem is that she's not very good at reading herself – sure she's gotten better at it over the past year; Santana has been helping her – but she's still a grade level behind where she should be. Santana also keeps telling her that she shouldn't worry about it, she's smart in other ways, but Brittany still can't shake the look on her classmate's faces when she struggles through a paragraph during group reading time.

She needs a different plan if she wants Ashley to be super smart in all the ways she's not. She asks Santana if she'll help her – she's the smartest person Brittany knows – and while Santana gives her a strange look when she says she wants to teach a one-year-old how to read, she still agrees to help. After one reading 'lesson', Brittany knows she picked the right person to help her. Santana sits opposite her on the couch, arms wrapped around Ashley, wo sits in her lap, book open in front of her, holding one of Ashley's pudgy hands and guiding it along the words – reading them out loud in a clear voice, emphasizing all the right words. Brittany feels her heart swell at the sight of Ashley's smiles every they turn the page to a funny picture and Santana puts on a silly voice to match the image.

It's not until just before they start fourth grade, when Ashley is almost two and a half, that she finally gets to play house with them. Brittany had decided very quickly that she wasn't going to force her little sister to play with them if she didn't want to, and by this point had almost completely given up hope that Ashley would ever be her and Santana's pretend child in a game of house. So, when Ashley comes up to her on a Sunday morning and informs her in a surprisingly formal voice that she wants to play families with her and Santana, she forgets to keep her voice down and squeals so loud that her dad comes running down the stairs thinking an axe murderer somehow got into the house. She gets a five-minute time out to remind her to use her inside voice for the rest of the day.

Santana is already over, Saturdays being her sleepover night, so the moment Brittany returns from the corner, they rush to the playroom to start their imaginary family before Ashley changes her mind about playing. She thought it would be easier to play once they had Ashley to be their child, but they don't even get to the start of the game before her and Santana have an argument over who should be the mom.

It's not a proper fight, Brittany and Santana never fight, more of a disagreement. They're not even arguing that they should be the mom, it's a back and forth of, '_you be the mom.' 'No, you should be the mom.'_

Ashley gets bored of this very quickly and decides to leave the room, not wanting to play anymore. Brittany turns to her and yells that she has to stay, because they've been waiting too long to play, and she's not allowed to leave until they say so. She forgets to use her inside voice again, and Ashley starts crying since Brittany's never yelled at her before, and Whitney comes into the room to see what the fuss is about.

Santana's the only one not crying, Brittany having started sobbing out of pure frustration the moment her mother entered the room, so she explains the situation to Whitney, emphasizing that she doesn't mind being the dad if Brittany wants to be the mom.

Whitney looks between the three girls and sighs, 'Why don't you both be moms if you can't decide.'

Santana frowns, 'But then we wouldn't be a family, we'd be a mom and her daughter and a friend. That doesn't work because we're playing families.'

Whitney shakes her head, 'Some people have two moms, sweetheart. Just like Rachel Berry has two dads, so you can both pretend to be Ashley's moms.'

Santana's frown deepens, she's never heard of anyone with two moms before. She considers it for a moment, then looks at Brittany, who has stopped crying but still has her face buried in Santana's side. She nods.

Whitney nods back and leaves them to play their game.

It's easier than Santana thought to play the game with two moms; they make Ashley call them both 'mom' at first, but when that becomes too confusing because both Brittany and Santana turn around, Santana switches to Mami. They go together to collect Ashley from 'school' at the end of the day, cook 'dinner' together, run Ashley's 'bath' together and put her to bed together – which is an actual bed because it's time for Ashley's nap.

It's much more fun, Santana decides; playing house with two moms. Sometimes at school when they play, she ends up being the dad, and it's no fun being at 'work' while everyone else is having fun at home. She thinks that when she gets married, she'll force her husband to not go to work as well, so they can spend just as much time together and it'll be more fun.

For a moment she wonders if she'll still see Brittany when they're both married and someone else to sleep next to on weekends, and someone else to talk to about everything.

She shakes the thought away, because she knows they will, they're Britt-Britt and San, together forever.

\----------

Abuela picks her up from Brittany's to drop her home, saying her parents are waiting for her because they want to talk about something.

In the car, Abuela asks her what she did during the day, and Santana excitedly relays the whole game of house, starting with what Brittany and her 'taught' Ashley at school and what they cooked together and how their imaginary cookies nearly burnt their imaginary house down.

Abuela smiles at her and asks, 'Were you the dad, or Brittany?'

Santana shakes her head, 'We were both moms.'

Abuela's face falls, and Santana wonders if she's said something wrong. After a few silent seconds Abuela says, 'Girls don't marry girls, Santana.'

Santana feels funny when Abuela says this, like a low simmer version of the horrible feeling from first grade that made her throw up. She wants to argue, tell her that Rachel Berry has two dads and they're not married but that doesn't mean they're not happy. She wants to say that even though she's never met any girl who's married a girl, it doesn't mean it can't happen. Something stops her from saying what she wants, and instead, all she says is, 'It was just a game, Abuela.'

Abuela frowns for a moment, then nods curtly, but doesn't say anything else.

She doesn't get out of the car when she drops Santana off, just gives her a hug and watches until she gets inside before pulling off. Santana thinks it's strange, Abuela normally comes in to say hello. But she did say that her parents wanted to talk to her, so maybe they told her not to stay.

Papi unlocks the door and doesn't say anything, just gestures for her to follow him into the living room. Santana thinks she might be in trouble, Papi's never silent except when she's in trouble, she wracks her brain to think of what she did. She comes up empty – did Mami and Papi find out about her and Brittany both being moms in their game? Did she really do something wrong?

Mami smiles very softly at her as she enters the room and motions for her to sit down on the couch, she does, and Mami takes a seat on the couch opposite Santana but Papi sits in the armchair instead. Suddenly, Santana understands that this is going to be a very serious conversation, she instinctively sits up straighter in her chair.

'Mija,' Her mom says, looking at her cautiously, 'Your Papi and I would like to talk to you about something. This might be a little hard to hear, but we want you to know that it's the best thing for all of us.'

Santana doesn't know what she's supposed to say in response to that, so she just nods slightly.

'Santana,' Papi continues the conversation, 'Your Mami and I are getting a divorce.'

A million thoughts run through Santana's head at once. The first is that she doesn't know anyone else with divorced parents, the second is a series of question about where she's going to live and what's going to happen, the third is the one she manages to voice after a second. 'Why? You never even fight?'

She's fairly certain that couples only get divorced if they've been fighting a lot – that's what happens on TV.

Her mom sighs quietly, 'You don't need to be fighting to get a divorce,' She explains, 'Sometimes two people just don't love each other anymore.' She takes a deep breath, 'Mija, Papi and I have been talking about this for a long time -'

'How long?'

'A few years,' Javier answers truthfully, 'We didn't want to hurt you, but we're not happy either, we don't want to wait until we start to hate each other before we do this. We want you to have two parents who can still communicate well and can make decisions without arguing.'

Maribel continues, 'Papi and I are still good friends. We've always been better at being friends. I still love him, but as a friend, the same way you love Brittany.'

Brittany. Santana's brain seems to kickstart again. She can't leave Brittany. 'Will we have to move?' She asks, her voice cracking slightly.

Maribel shakes her head and Santana feels relief seep through her. 'Papi's going to keep living with us for a while, until he can find a new apartment closer to the hospital,' She pauses, 'You'll probably stay with me during the week to be close to school, and Papi on the weekend. We'll work out a new sleepover schedule for Brittany, so you can spend as much time with Papi as possible.'

Santana feels slightly numb, but she nods, still not quite ready to properly process the information. She's glad that her mom thought about Brittany in her plans, she wants to be able to see Papi and Brittany.

Papi's face is sad when she meets his eyes, 'We're sorry to spring this on you, but we wanted you to know. We want you to be involved in this process and to be able to have a say in your future; that includes where you live and how long you stay there. We want this to be based around you, Santana, so if you ever have any questions or requests you just let us know, okay. We need you to be happy, baby.'

'We love you,' Maribel adds, 'So much.'

Santana thinks her brain is going to explode from all the emotions swirling around inside. Her parents are both staring at her as though its going to. The bad feeling in her tummy appears again, and suddenly it feels like the walls are closing in on her. There isn't enough oxygen in the room, but too much all at the same time. It's a different version of the feeling this time, she doesn't feel like she's going to throw up, but instead her head pounds faster than her heart and she need it to stop before she starts banging it against a wall to make it go away.

'I need to go for a walk,' She blurts out suddenly. Her parents stare at her, concerned. 'Just to the end of the street and back, I promise.' It's a long street, it might take a while, but the sun is still up and it's Lima Heights, nothing bad is going to happen.

Maribel and Javier look at one another, then back at their daughter and then nod.

Santana walks to the front door and lets herself out, the cool summer air hits her face and she breathes in as deep as she can. Her head keeps pounding, but she feels like she can breathe again. She unlocks her front gate and turns left, heading towards the far end of the street. Her head swirls with thoughts. It's a very strange feeling. She doesn't feel sad, just disappointed, like her parents have been putting on an act of love in front of her for years. She wants her parents to be happy, she loves them, but her mother's words, _'sometimes two people just don't love each other anymore.'_

She tries to imagine not loving her Mami or Papi, not loving Abuela or Whitney or Pierce or Ashley. Not loving Brittany. She knows she not in love with any of them and it's different,_ 'but as a friend, the same way you love Brittany.'_ She still can't imagine it, not wanting to be around any of them anymore. It's odd, her parents have always been a singular unit in her mind, MamiandPapi – she supposes they will now become separate entities, Mami and Papi. She wonders if the same thing will happen if her and Brittany ever stop being friends, the thought makes the air feel heavy again. Since the moment they met, they've been BrittanyandSantana, SantanaandBrittany – normally spoken as one – she can't imagine there ever being Santana not followed immediately by the words 'and Brittany'.

Brittany. The way her friend swims into her brain startles her slightly. Brittany who is perfect in every possible way; Brittany's whose hair is like gold and whose eyes are like the ocean; Brittany whose freckles are the stars; Brittany whose body is all tall and sharp angles; Brittany whose personality is all soft and small but so big and bright at the same time; Brittany who's sunshine and rainbows; Brittany whose family is perfect; Brittany whose parents still love each other; Brittany who is so happy; Brittany who Santana understands so perfectly, but still confuses her just as much.

Brittany who never gets sad like Santana does. Never feels as small as Santana does, even when people try to make her feel small. Brittany who seems to understand Santana more than Santana understands herself.

Santana doesn't realize she's crying until one of her tears hits the pavement in front of where her foot was about to step.

Suddenly, Santana feels more confused than she's ever felt in her whole life. Because her parents are getting divorced and she doesn't understand why. Because Brittany is so perfect and is still friends with someone like her. Because sometimes she feels so empty inside when everyone around her always seems full.

A sob wracks her body as she reaches the street sign where she's supposed to turn back. The sun has started to fade beyond the horizon, and she knows her parents are expecting her back. She turns around.

Then another sob flows through her, tears begin to stream down her face, and her heart is pounding; Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.

She turns again and starts running. She needs Brittany. She knows the path to Brittany's house more than she knows herself and she doesn't register the way her feet carry her, just lets her body autopilot her there.

The sun is almost completely gone by the time she unlatches Brittany's front gate, out of breath, tears still flowing, but already feeling safer.

She knocks loudly on the front door and waits a few moments until Whitney opens the door, Ashley held to her hip.

'Santana?' She says looking her with concern, 'Are you okay?'

Santana doesn't reply, just pushes past her and runs up the stairs, needing to get to Brittany. She pushes open her door, but Brittany isn't there. The walls start closing in again and the dread she felt before begins to take over. Brittany isn't there, Brittany left her, Brittany stopped loving her.

Whitney shakes her out of her trance by saying, 'She's in the treehouse. I'll call your parents and let them know you're here.' Worry is etched on her face, but she nudges Santana down the stairs anyway and watches her until she reaches the back.

Santana climbs the ladder slowly. She pushes open the trapdoor and hears Brittany jump at the motion.

Brittany. Her eyes fall on the girl and all of her panic disappears.

'Santana?' Brittany crawls over to her, 'What's wrong?' She reaches out and wipes tears from under her eyes.

It's all it takes. Santana starts sobbing again and falls forward, crying into the ground. Brittany scooches herself forwards, and curls herself over Santana, resting her face on her back, rubbing her hands in circles over her sides.

'Hey, it's okay, it's okay.' Brittany whispers over and over again until Santana's sobs slow.

They stay like that. Even when Santana stops crying, she just breaths heavily into the ground, Brittany breaths falls into a rhythm on her back.

When they do move, they sit cross-legged opposite each other. Santana's eyes are puffy and red from crying and Brittany grabs her hands to let her know she's there, not wanting to cross any boundaries by hugging her – not when she's already so upset about something unknown.

Santana stares into her eyes, brown meeting blue, and Brittany discovers they're darker than normal – the shine that usually lights them up is gone, replaced instead by a dullness that scares Brittany more than anything she's ever seen; more than cars did after her accident. Santana's eyes are so sad, and it breaks Brittany's heart to think about what could have caused it.

'I think I'm broken,' Santana finally breaks the silence. Her voice is low and raspy.

Brittany's eyes quirk up a bit, 'Oh, Santana,' She says with a tiny smile, 'You can't be broken, you're only nine. Usually, people don't break until they're old.'

The corners of Santana's mouth lift up a little before falling again, 'I don't mean it like,' Her voice lowers to a whisper, 'I don't think I feel any emotions properly, they all get so swirly in my brain.'

Brittany feels Santana's hands begin to shake in hers. She doesn't know how to respond to what Santana just said – mostly because she doesn't understand what she means. Instead, she decides to do what her mom does to her when she's crying and kiss the part that's hurting. Except, from the look on Santana's face, she can't tell where she's hurting. Santana's hands shake again, so Brittany lifts her left one to her lips and places a gentle kiss on the back of her hand.

The shaking stops instantly.

She looks up at Santana, her face is contorted in confusion as to why Brittany kissed her hand. Their eyes meet again, and Santana's brown ones look less dull, some of the brightness Brittany is used to has returned. Her lip quivers as though she's about to start crying again.

Brittany doesn't even think about what she's doing, she just leans forward and presses her lips against Santana's. They're soft, softer than Brittany expected – she's never kissed anyone before, she thought lips would feel more rough. Then again, everything about Santana is soft.

Santana freezes on the contact. Her breath catches in her throat, but she instinctively closes her eyes. She feels the jolt again, stronger than ever before, and presses her lips more firmly against Brittany's. Neither of them moves, they just sit there for a minute, not touching in any place except their lips.

Then Santana reaches up and cups Brittany's face. She moves her lips gently against Brittany's and instantly the urge Santana feels whenever she's near Brittany subsides. She feels like there are fireworks going off in her brain and for a while, she can't feel anything except Brittany. Perfect Brittany, who's kissing her; who's making her feel more things than either of the two boys she's kissed before.

_'Girls don't marry girls, Santana.'_ Her Abuela's voice echoes inside her head and she pulls back, breathing heavily.

Brittany looks at her, but it's different than any way she's ever looked at her before – full of surprise and wonderment. She doesn't try to kiss her again, just pulls her into a tight hug,

'Even if you are broken,' Brittany whispers into her hair, 'I'll still love you.'

'Forever?'

'Forever.' Brittany repeats.


	3. you've been stressed out lately? yeah me too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're fourteen the first time they sleep together.
> 
> Later, when people find out due to slip-ups and drunken words, they assume that it happens while they're drunk after a party when no one went home with either of them and they were craving human touch a little too much.
> 
> Neither of them denies this rumor.
> 
> The truth is, the first time it happens it's been building up for years - ever since their lips first touched. The general progression that any relationship has.
> 
> It's the furthest thing from a drunken fling; it contains more feelings than either of them can begin to comprehend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
So you may have noticed that I don't really have a proper update schedule, I just kinda post when I finish writing the chapter. I have a really busy time coming up, so hopefully, if I get them out quickly this fic won't clash with that, otherwise there will be a really big gap between chapters.  
I've decided there's going to be eight chapters in this story and they'll all be about this length, I'll keep posting them up and maybe find an update schedule along the way?  
Please note the rating change for this chapter if that's not your cup of tea.  
Also TW for underage drinking, underage sex and some mild anxiety things in this chapter.  
Please comment if you see any mistakes.  
I hope you enjoy,  


They're fourteen the first time they sleep together.

Later, when people find out due to slip-ups and drunken words, they assume that it happens while they're drunk after a party when no one went home with either of them and they were craving human touch a little too much.

Neither of them denies this rumor.

The truth is, the first time it happens it's been building up for years - ever since their lips first touched. The general progression that any relationship has.

It's the furthest thing from a drunken fling; it contains more feelings than either of them can begin to comprehend.

It begins a few weeks after their first kiss, once school has begun again and Santana has just gotten used to her new life:

Brittany's hair is splayed out across her pillow, gold against pink, her hands hold a book up above her head. Her brow is furrowed as she slowly progresses through the words, reading each one aloud to Santana, who lies next to her, straining her neck to follow along with what Brittany is reading.

Brittany stumbles over a word, and Santana waits for a moment; seeing if she'll sound it out – she does, but her pronunciation is slightly off, Santana corrects her and Brittany huffs slightly in frustration.

'It's okay,' Santana says quietly, 'You're doing great, you've read almost the whole chapter.'

Brittany closes the book and rolls over to face Santana, their noses almost touching in the dim light of Brittany's reading lamp, 'I should be able to read this,' She huffs again, 'I'm nine and this book is for seven-year-olds, you can read it,' She adds, 'You can read books for twelve-year-old's.'

Santana reaches up and brushes a strand of hair away from Brittany's eyes, 'Just because I can doesn't mean you have to. You're a genius Britt-Britt, even if you can't read perfectly.'

Brittany huffs for a third time, but doesn't argue, she nods a tiny bit and the strand of hair falls back over her eye. Santana reaches over and brushes it away again, her hand lingering for a moment longer than before, resting on Brittany's check long enough for her to feel the sparks of electricity that begin every time she touches Brittany before it falls back to her side.

They lie there, side by side, staring into each other's eyes. There's a silent agreement between them not to move to just stay in the moment for as long as they can. Santana feels her _Brittany jolt_ go through her and gets the urge again, an urge she now knows she can react on by leaning forward just a bit and placing her lips against Brittany's. She doesn't, her Abuela's words – _girls don't marry girls, Santana_ _– _echoing through her brain.

She doesn't move, but Brittany does; closing the tiny distance between them and pressing her lips ever so gently against Santana's. Once again, she waits for Santana to respond before she starts to move her lips. But Santana doesn't move, so she lifts her lips off and then places them back on, trying to encourage Santana to kiss her back. She feels her heart start to pound and feels sparks fly throughout her whole body, and she wonders if she should have been doing this for years longer; nothing has ever felt quite like this.

Every inch of Santana screams at her to kiss Brittany back, but she can't, she can't. She pulls away, twisting her head to the side, so Brittany's lips connect with her cheek instead – trying to ignore the way her cheek tingles where her lips touch. 'Britt,' She says, sitting up, 'We can't.'

Brittany pulls herself up too, arms wobbling as she holds her weight on them, 'Why?'

'It's not right,' Santana tries to move herself away slightly – to make the urge go away – but Brittany grabs her arm, holding her there.

'It feels pretty right to me,' Brittany reaches over and turns Santana's head back so she can look at her eyes. 'I've never kissed anyone else before, is that not how it's meant to feel?'

Santana shakes her head, 'No, it's how it's meant to feel.' She leaves out that she's never felt that way when she kissed Rick Nelson in third grade, or when she kissed Noah Puckerman last year after he promised to stop making fun of Brittany. She leaves out that she didn't understand why everyone was so desperate to kiss other people until she kissed Brittany.

'Then why can't I kiss you?'

The question is so innocent that Santana suddenly feels like she might cry, 'Because, Britt-Britt, girls don't marry girls.' She repeats Abuela's words like a mantra.

Brittany's face shifts into something of amusement and confusion, 'We're not getting married, Santana,' She giggles a little, 'I just want to kiss you.'

Santana considers this, Abuela never said anything about not being able to kiss a girl, she just said they couldn't get married. But if she kisses someone that means she likes them, or she has a crush on them. If she has a crush on someone then they might get married someday. She doesn't think she has a crush on Brittany, and she doesn't think she wants to marry her – she just wants to kiss her. She pauses, thinking that maybe it's okay to kiss a girl as long as she doesn't want to marry them.

'It can be like practice,' Brittany blurts out, 'For when we kiss boys.'

It's a good plan, Santana thinks. She wants boys to think she's good at kissing, because if she's good at kissing then she'll be able to get a boyfriend and do all the grown-up things she can only do if she has a boyfriend. Then she wonders what Abuela would say if she found out she was kissing Brittany. She's heard the way she scoffs every time Rachel Berry's two dads are brought up, as though they shouldn't be together – and they're not married. She remembers Rick Nelson calling Kurt Hummel a 'homo' one time in class when he said that boys could be princesses too. She remembers seeing a protest in Columbus one time, when she went with her dad to a medical conference, the signs that said 'Gays will burn in hell.'

She looks at Brittany and remembers what her lips felt like, how nice they felt against her own, the way it made her whole body feel like it was on fire and ice-cold all at the same time. She thinks about the urges she gets to kiss her and the way it felt like everything was alright when she did, even though her life was still falling apart.

'We can kiss,' She says finally, 'But we're not allowed to tell anyone, and we can't do it where anyone can see.'

'Why?' Brittany asks.

Santana looks at her very seriously, 'Because, it's just for practice and boys won't want to kiss us if they know we kiss each other. People don't like it when girls kiss girls; they'll think we're gay.'

'It's not bad to be gay,' Brittany says sincerely, 'Mom says so, even though some people think it is.'

'But we're not gay,' Santana response, 'And boys won't kiss us if they think we are.'

Brittany appears to think about this for a moment. Then she nods, 'Okay. We won't tell anyone.'

'Good.'

'Good.'

They look at each other.

'Can I kiss you now?' Brittany asks. 'As practice.'

Santana nods and leans forward, closing her eyes.

This time they meet in the middle and Santana feels the sparks start again, she presses her lips more firmly into Brittany's and her hearts starts to pound faster as Brittany presses back. It's soft and slow and so nice. It's exactly what Santana always imagined kisses someone would be. She reaches her hand up and cups Brittany's face, running her fingers through her hair slowly. Brittany's lips are so soft against hers and she feels a blush creep onto her cheeks as Brittany starts to move her lips, ever so slowly. They move together for a minute and every other thought leaves Santana's mind. In that moment her whole-body tingles with Brittany; Brittany's lips; Brittany's cheeks; Brittany's hair; Brittany's whole body curling up into her.

Her body is on fire with Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.

They pull apart for air after a while. They keep their eyes locked as they breathe heavily, despite the fact that the kiss wasn't heated. Brittany thinks her heart is beating faster than it ever has before, even when she has a nightmare in the middle of the night drenched in sweat – too scared to even pull the covers off to go into her parents' room.

She leans forward and presses one final kiss on Santana's lips.

'That was nice,' She says. It was more than nice, but she doesn't think she has the words to express the feelings she felt while kissing Santana.

'It was,' Santana nods awkwardly in reply, 'You're a good kisser, the boys will like you,' She adds.

There's a strange tension in the room as she says this, the air gets thicker and Santana gets that horrible feeling deep in her stomach again. She shakes her head, trying to get rid of it. It doesn't go away, so she rips her gaze away from Brittany and lays down, rolling away from her and pulling the covers up to her chin.

'Goodnight Brittany.'

Brittany frowns at her, but lays down as well, reaching out to flick off her lamp. She wraps her arm around Santana – Santana flinches slightly but doesn't pull away.

'Goodnight Santana.'

They settle in the darkness, hearts beating fast, neither of them speaking, but neither of them sleeping either.

\----------

The list of rules surrounding their kisses grows longer. It started as no one could no, but with each kiss in a new place, Santana adds another rule.

Brittany obeys, only because she likes kissing Santana so much.

The second rule appears a week after the first, as Brittany helps Santana unpack her things in her second bedroom at her dad's new apartment. She reaches up to hang an old photograph of the two of them on the wall, when she turns to face Santana, she finds her standing right next to her. She doesn't even think, just leans over and kisses her.

At the same moment, Santana's dad calls out, asking if they need any help. Santana pulls back like she'd been burnt and yells out a response. Then she turns back to Brittany, 'No kissing in my dad's apartment,' She says, 'It's too small, he's too close.'

She doesn't explain the rule further than that.

From that day forth, every time Brittany kisses her, Santana makes up a new rule as to why they can't kiss where they are.

No kissing at school, even when no one's around – Brittany had tried to kiss her behind the wall as they walked alone together

No kissing in the backyard, the neighbors could be looking – Santana had thought she'd seen her elderly neighbor, Mrs Wilson looking out her window; the treehouse was an exception to this rule.

No kissing when anyone else is upstairs, unless they're asleep – Maribel had walked past the door and called out to them in greeting when she got home from work.

No kissing unless the door is shut – Brittany had forgotten to close it and Pierce saw the two of them on Brittany's bed, luckily, he thought they were just napping with their heads really close.

No kissing in any other room except the bedroom – the door to the bathroom had been shut, but Ashley still burst in without knocking.

No kissing in the treehouse – Whitney had called up asking them what pizza toppings they wanted, and Santana nearly fell over onto the kitchen set in shock.

No kissing during the day – Santana became convinced someone would see them through the window, even after Brittany closed the curtains.

Brittany knows Santana wants to kiss her, but she never does. She waits for Brittany to initiate it, waits for them to be completely alone in one of their bedrooms at night, waits for Brittany to ask if it's okay. Even then, she never lets it last more than a moment before turning away and telling Brittany they've had enough practice.

The summer before high school starts, Santana initiates a kiss for the first time. Despite all of her rules, Brittany is the one who always leans in first or asks if they can 'practice'. Santana's too cautious, too worried about what will happen if anyone finds out to ever kiss Brittany without Brittany asking first.

She finds it makes it easier because she can pretend, she doesn't feel her heart beat faster every time Brittany turns her lips towards her. It makes it easier for her to pretend that she doesn't want to kiss Brittany at every possible moment – that every time Brittany smiles, she doesn't want to lean over and kiss the smile off her face. She tries to convince herself that she wants Brittany's smile because maybe it'll make some of Brittany's happiness spread into her, maybe she won't feel so sad all the time.

\----------

It's the first week of vacation when Santana gets a letter in the mail. It's a red envelope with her name and address printed on the front in bold letters and the William McKinley High School logo stamped in the corner.

She rips it open and lets out a squeak of excitement when she realizes the letter is printed on a Cheerios letterhead. She closes her eyes for a moment, praying that the letter says what she hopes it does. She opens one eye and reads the first sentence.

_Dear Miss Lopez,_

_I am mildly excited to invite you to the annual WMHS Cheerios camp._

Santana squeals and jumps up and down. She got in! Not that she ever doubted she would; she's hot and she can dance. But she actually got in and she's going to Cheerios camp which means there's a chance she'll be on the Cheerios next year and she'll be popular just like she always wanted. She can create an image for herself, one that everyone will look up to.

She tries to tell herself she doesn't care what anyone else thinks, but it'll always be a lie because she needs other people to validate her. She needs them to tell her she's hot and smart and popular because maybe it'll make her believe it. The only person she ever believes now is Brittany. She needs Brittany's validation most of all.

Brittany. She jumps up, letter in hand and yells out to her mom that she's going to Brittany's. Maribel yells back at her to be home for dinner and she races out the door.

She hasn't run the path to Brittany's since the day her parents told her they were getting divorced. Her feet slap hard against the pavement – she's wearing sandals and they hurt to run in, but she doesn't care, she just needs to get to Brittany, to see if she got into Cheerios camp as well.

Her lungs are burning by the time she makes it to Brittany's and she's drenched in sweat from the intense summer heat. She doesn't knock on the door, just lets herself in with the key Whitney and Pierce gave her for her 13th birthday last year.

She calls out a hello to Whitney and nearly crashes into Ashley who's coming down the stairs. Santana brushes past her, ignoring the annoyed 'hey' directed at her as Ashley stamps her foot in indignation; not getting her usual Santana hug.

She shoves Brittany door shut behind her and asks, 'Did you -'

Brittany's standing next to her desk and holds up an identical red letter, grinning. Santana doesn't think, she just takes two huge steps forward and kisses Brittany hard. Brittany freezes in shock, she's never done this before. Santana doesn't pull away like she expected though, so she kisses her back, just as hard.

Santana pushes against her harder and moves her lips desperately against Brittany's. Brittany retaliates, pushing back against Santana hard. They stumble together, but their lips never disconnect.

For the first time ever, Santana takes it a step further and gently runs her tongue over Brittany's lower lip. Brittany lets out a little gasp at the motion, but opens her mouth slightly, letting Santana slip her tongue into her mouth. It's a strange sensation, but Brittany moans very softly as their tongues twist together, battling for control. Brittany pushes against Santana even harder, arms wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her in. Her tongue forces it's way into Santana's mouth and she feels a weird tug in her lower belly.

She suddenly realizes they're making out, like properly making out and Santana initiated it. Her whole body feels hot as their lips continue to move together, tongues swirling and pressing inside each other's mouth.

They're both breathing hard, barely pulling away for air. Santana groans as Brittany moves her hands down her back, pulling her as close as she can get. Her _Brittany jolt_ moves lower in her stomach and she's feeling a lot of things she's never felt before. The kiss is rough and desperate, but somehow Brittany's tongue is softer and gentler than any of the boys she's ever kissed before. She wants to keep kissing Brittany like this for as long as she can.

The door swings open and they pull apart abruptly. Santana turns around, panic flaring inside of her.

Ashley stands in the doorway looking confused, 'Why were you hugging so weird?' She asks.

Santana freezes because _shit_, someone caught them kissing – the one thing that was never allowed to happen. The one reason that they could only kiss when they were alone, or when it was nighttime and little sisters who didn't knock before entering a room were in bed.

Brittany's just as startled as Santana, but not because they were almost caught – she's never cared about being hidden, never really understood why Santana is so scared about being found out. She's startled because they'd actually been making out, properly kissing for the first time ever – it made her feel a whole lot of things that she didn't even realize she was able to feel.

She's the one that shakes herself out of her shock first, 'We were just excited, Ash.' She says calmly, 'We both got into cheerleading camp.'

Santana's heart pounds, wondering if Ashley will believe Brittany.

She just rolls her eyes and says, 'You guys are so weird. Mom says dinner is ready.'

Brittany nods, 'We'll be down in a minute,' She turns to Santana, 'Are you staying?'

Santana jolts herself out of her panic and shakes her head, 'No, mom said I needed to be home for dinner, so I should go home.'

Ashley rolls her eyes again and leaves the room. Brittany hears her feet thumping all the way down the stairs.

Santana is still frozen on the spot, her eyes filled with fear. Brittany places her hand gently on her shoulder and Santana turns to face her. Her lips are swollen from kissing, and she's still breathing heavier than normal. Her hair is slightly messier than it was when she arrived and her eyes are wide, panic etched deep into them.

'Hey,' Brittany says, 'It's okay. She didn't see. She didn't see, so there's nothing to worry about.' Brittany secretly thinks that there would be nothing to worry about even if Ashley _had_ seen, but she doesn't say anything.

Santana shakes her head, 'But she almost saw, Britt.' She lets out a tiny sigh, 'We need to be more careful.'

'We will be,' Brittany agrees, 'I promise.'

Santana's face visibly relaxes, and she gives Britt a tiny smile, most of the panic disappearing from her eyes. Brittany smiles back and watches the way Santana's face crinkles in response, unable to prevent herself from smiling when Brittany is.

'I have to go, mom's probably waiting for me.'

Brittany nods, Santana goes to walk out the door and downstairs, but she stops in the doorway. She turns around and takes a few steps back across the room, she leans forward and places a soft kiss on Brittany's lips. 'We got into Cheerios camp!'

A wide grin spreads across Brittany's face, 'We got into Cheerios camp!'

Cheerios camp runs for a week in the middle of July, the first day is the day after Santana's fourteenth birthday and she feels very grown-up pulling on her red Cheerios training t-shirt that arrived in the mail the week after her acceptance letter. She slides on a pair of exercise tights and slips her feet into her Nikes before looking out her bedroom window to see if the Pierce's car had pulled up yet.

It hadn't, but she lifts her duffle bag onto her shoulder anyway and traipses down the stairs to wait by the door. Maribel meets her at the bottom of the stairs and takes the bag off her, insisting she'll carry it to the car.

They wait out the front for Brittany to arrive with her mother so that they can leave. Santana feels like she's buzzing due to a mixture of nerves and excitement. Being a Cheerio is all she and Brittany have wanted since they were eight and went on a field trip to McKinley High to use their science facilities for a project and saw the Cheerios rehearsing on the field.

She knows that Sue Sylvester has a reputation for being notoriously brutal, but Santana doesn't care, Cheerios will do wonders for her social status and that's all that matters. She can handle a few mean comments if that's what it takes to get to the top.

The Pierce's SUV pulls into their driveway and Brittany jumps out, running into Santana's arms.

'We're going today! Can you believe it!' She yells and Santana laughs at her excitement, hugging her back tightly.

Whitney loads Santana's bag next to Brittany's in the back of the car and Maribel gives her daughter a hug before she leaves.

'Be good,' She whispers in Santana's ear, 'Look after yourself and Brittany okay?'

'I will,' Santana whispers back.

Cheerios camp is held about an hour away from Lima in a Scout Camp facility that isn't used over the summer. Santana looked it up online after reading the address on her letter and there's a large open field area and a gymnasium for rehearsal, as well as a dining hall and old run-down cabins.

Whitney turns the radio up as they pull onto the highway, heading towards Columbus. A Britney Spears song comes on and Brittany wrinkles her nose. Santana giggles at her and starts to sing along. Brittany gives her a playful shove but joins in throwing Santana dramatic pouts and scowls for betraying her like this. Santana grins and pokes her tongue out.

By the time they pull up at camp, they've heard Britney play six times on four different stations.

They grab their bags from the back and head to the check-in area, pinkies hooked between them. They get their names checked off a list by a bored-looking girl in a Cheerios uniform – Santana and Brittany share a look because she's an actual Cheerio, not just one in training like them. They get told to carry their bags to the field where they'll get assigned a room and both kiss Whitney on the cheek before heading in the direction they were pointed in.

Santana hears Sue Sylvester before she sees her. She's screaming the same words on repeat, 'Fresh meat come directly to me! If I see you go anywhere else, you'll be cut instantly!'

They round the corner and walk onto the field, Sue coming into their view. She's wearing a red and white tracksuit and screaming into a megaphone. Brittany swallows a gulp of fear and squeezes Santana's pinky just a little bit tighter.

They join the group of girls that are collating around Sue and watch as she runs her eyes over them. Santana feels her gaze drop to their linked pinkies and has the urge to rip her hand away from Brittany's – she doesn't, sensing how scared Brittany is and knowing the contact is keeping her grounded.

Sue lifts the megaphone and begins yelling instructions, 'Listen hear dimwits! I'm only going to say this once! There will be three freshmen per cabin, you'll be in there with three sophomores, three juniors and one senior! You will follow any instruction given by the older girls – they know what being a Cheerio is like! Failure to follow instructions will result in immediate termination! Am I clear?'

They all nod.

'I will point to you to assign your cabins!'

Santana squeezes Brittany's pinky even tighter, praying that they don't get separated. She knows she'll probably be able to handle herself, but she's worried that Brittany will get lost without her – and not just physically lost.

'Stilt legs!' Sue points at Brittany, 'Mexican!' She points at Santana, 'And blondie!' She points at another girl on the opposite side of the group, 'Cabin three off you go!'

Santana feels a thrill of relief go through her, she can't get mad at Sue for the racist nickname because she's so happy that her and Brittany didn't get separated. They hoist their bags higher on the arms and head towards the cabins.

The other blonde girl catches up with them and sends a small smile in their direction.

'Hi,' Brittany says, 'I'm Brittany.' She nods at Santana, 'And this is Santana.'

Santana does a weird half-grimace and Brittany elbows her in the side.

The girl nods, 'I'm Quinn. Quinn Fabray. What school did you guys go to?'

'We went to Lima Elementary and McKinley Middle School.' Brittany answers, 'Where did you go?'

The girl doesn't answer, she just says, 'This is us,' Before pushing open the door of a cabin and walking inside.

Brittany and Santana follow.

There are seven girls already in the room, they all look up when the door opens. They all wear Cheerios uniforms and sit up when the three girls take a step into the room. There are five buck beds in the room; two on the left wall, three on right – opposite the extra bunk on the right is a doorway which Santana assumes leads to a bathroom. All of the top bunks have been claimed already. One of the two girls who doesn't occupy a top bunk stands up and waves at them.

'Hi,' She says, 'You must be the freshmen. I'm Mary – senior and Head-Cheerio hopeful!'

Quinn is the first to speak, 'I'm Quinn,' She gestures to Santana and Brittany, 'And this is Santana and Brittany.'

Santana figures she should be angry that this virtual stranger didn't let her introduce herself, but Quinn seems nice enough. And she could tell by the look on Mary's face that she was impressed by her confidence. She decides instantly that she can live with being a sidekick to the top bitch as long as Brittany is a sidekick next to her.

The other girls go around the room and introduce themselves. There are the three sophomores – Katie a tiny Asian girl who's about the same size as Ashley, Samantha a blonde with curlier hair than Santana, and Erica a red-head who immediately tells them she'll kill them if they make any Ariel jokes. There are also the three juniors – Kelly who gives them a glare as though they just murdered her puppy, Jackie a dark-skinned girl who smiles widely at them, and Jessica a brunette with glasses who gives them a tiny wave.

Quinn, Santana and Brittany drop their bags onto the three remaining bunks. Quinn selects the one opposite Mary, so Brittany and Santana are left with the two remaining bottom bunks on the right side. Brittany places her bag on the middle one and Santana goes on the end, deliberately placing her pillow at the opposite end to Brittany, so their heads will be next to one another when they lie down.

Mary tells them to make their beds and rest for a while before training begins.

'You're going to need the rest,' She says with a grin, 'Coach Sylvester is going to rip into you.'

\----------

Cheerios camp is equal parts brutal and fun.

It's brutal because Mary wasn't lying and Sue puts them through their paces, in two days she's ran more laps than she ever did in every middle school PE lesson combined, and been forced to bend her body in ways she didn't know was possible until Sue was standing next to her screaming into a megaphone that if she can't do this then she needs to lose pounds until she can.

It's fun because she's definitely not struggling the most and it's satisfying to watch Sue yell at other girls for being too slow or not flexible enough and know she's one step closer to being an actual Cheerio. She's definitely not the best of the group; Quinn instantly becomes Sue's favorite when she demonstrates she can run a mile in six minutes and is surprisingly bendy despite the fact she normally holds herself as stiff as a board – she mutters something about gymnastics. Brittany is also high on Sue's list, Santana is proud to say, her years of high-level dancing are paying off and Sue watches her with a glint in her eye as she gracefully folds herself into tiny shapes and accurately completes difficult tumbles across the field.

Despite Sue's insistence that Santana is fat and needs to lose weight – something Brittany assures her isn't true – she seems impressed by her seven-and-a-half-minute mile and the fact she can tumble only mildly less gracefully than Brittany.

However, for all the satisfaction that comes with being high on Sue's approval list, Santana is absolutely exhausted by the end of the fifth day – something she attributes to the fact that Sue won't let them eat anything other than lettuce and drink a disgusting smoothie while also pushing them to their physical limits.

She falls into bed after her shower, not even caring that her hair is still wet and will be a crazy mess in the morning, just wanting to sleep. She opens her mouth to say goodnight to the rest of the girls in the cabin but finds Kelly shaking her head at her.

'Nope,' She says, popping the 'p', 'It's the second last night and you're all looking like you'll actually make the squad – which means it's time to get to know you better.' She smirks at them all, 'Cabin game of truth or dare, anyone?'

There's a mixed chorus of yeses from the older girls and Quinn. Brittany looks slightly confused and Santana groans, but gets up anyway.

They sit in a circle on the floor in between the bunks – it's a bit squishy, and Santana finds herself pressed between the corner and Brittany, her thigh touching Brittany's as they prepared to play the game.

Kelly's eyes glint as she turns to Quinn, 'Truth or dare?' She asks.

'Dare,' Quinn says confidently.

'Hmm. Go outside and lick the railing.'

Quinn pulls a face but gets up and heads out the door, Kelly follows her to make sure she does it. They reenter a few seconds later and Quinn immediately takes a long drink from her water bottle, coughing slightly in disgust.

The older girls bounce questions and dares back and forth between one another for the next few minutes. Katie is forced to share her most embarrassing moment, to which to relays the time she visited Australia with her family and got chases by an Emu until she fell flat on her face in front of a very cute boy. Jessica is dared to call her ex-boyfriend and pretend she's drunk calling to get him back – they all have a hard time staying quiet during that, and by the time she hangs up most of them are crying with the effort it took to not burst into laughter, ruining the call.

Eventually, Erica turns to Santana, 'Truth or dare?'

'Truth.'

'Okay,' Erica frowns for a moment, 'What's the best kiss you've ever had.'

Santana's brain flashes with the kiss she and Brittany shared the previous month, but, 'Noah Puckerman,' She says without a pause, ignoring the guilt, 'Seven minutes in heaven at his last birthday party.' Brittany shifts slightly next to her and Santana can almost sense her disappointment.

'Oooo girl…' Jackie says, 'How far did you go?'

Santana shrugs, 'Not far, we just made out for a bit and he touched my boob for the last minute before time was up.'

Brittany feels a flash of jealousy go through her.

'Wow,' Kelly sighs, 'Remember what it was like to be so young and innocent.' The older girls giggle.

'Well, how far have you guys been?' Quinn asks and Brittany feels herself perk up with curiosity – she's never quite known when is the acceptable time to take the next steps.

Samantha grins at them, 'Well you're not really a proper Cheerio unless you've lost your virginity by the end of freshman year.'

Mary coughs lightly.

Kelly rolls her eyes, 'Unless you're Mary. She's the president of the Celibacy Club.'

'What's it like?' Santana blurts out.

They all look at her and she feels her cheeks start to burn with embarrassment.

Jackie's the first one to speak, 'It's nice,' She says, 'If you do it with the right person.'

Katie laughs, 'Speak for yourself, it's a chore every single time.' She scoffs, 'Men are such pigs.'

All the older girls giggle in agreement.

Santana sits there feeling like no one really answered her question.

The final list of Cheerios goes up the following evening. Santana, Brittany and Quinn are the only freshmen who make the squad.

Kelly comes up to them before they leave on the Friday and hands them each a piece of paper. 'Invite,' She says, 'To a summer bash at my place next week. We can properly welcome you to the team.'

\----------

Santana has no idea what she's supposed to wear to a high school party. It's her a Saturday, so she's at her dad's house so she only has a quarter of her usual wardrobe. He's out of town anyways, so she could just go back to her mom's, but she likes the routine of still being surrounded by her dad even when he's not there. Besides, she doesn't really want her mom to know her dad isn't there – it's a high school party after all, and Santana is 99% sure there will be alcohol, which is why she invited Brittany to stay the night as well.

She holds a pair of black jeans up against herself in front of the mirror and sighs – it's summer and she knows they'll be way too hot, even if they are the nicest pants she owns. She knows she has an old denim skirt here somewhere; the old part might be a problem, but it also might mean it's shorter, which equals more attractive. She digs her hand deeper in the drawer and finally finds the skirt, pulling it on. She's right, it is shorter, only just covering the bottom of her ass. The material is slightly worn out, but it'll do.

She huffs and pulls on a black tank-top with a lacy neckline, looking in the mirror. It's not quite the look she was going for, but it's the best she's going to get with what she's working with.

She dabs some foundation onto her cheeks and brushes a mascara wand through her eyelashes, making them darker. As she's fumbling around for her eyeliner pencil, the buzzer goes off, signalling someone's downstairs wanting to be let up.

She goes over to the speaker system and presses the button, 'Britt, is that you?'

'What if it wasn't me and I just said yes because you just revealed you're waiting for someone?' Brittany giggles into the speaker.

'I recognize your voice, silly. I wouldn't let up a random who said they were Brittany.'

'What if they did a very good impression?'

Santana giggles, 'Britt, I don't think they'd know who you are just based on me saying your name.'

'True. Now let me up.'

Santana buzzes her up and a few minutes later there's a knock on the door. Santana opens it and gasps at what Brittany is wearing. It's a summer dress, with a floral pattern and little pom-poms lining the bottom hem. It's a perfect dress for Brittany, but not a very good dress for a high school party.

'Britt-Britt, I don't think that's the best outfit.'

Brittany looks down at it and frowns, 'What's wrong with it?'

Santana tries to think of a way to put her words nicely, 'It's just… We're Cheerios now. We need to look the part as well.' She sighs, but finds she can't say what she needs to, 'You know what, it's fine. Don't worry, we can work with this.' She doesn't think they can, but Brittany looks so hopeful in her little summer dress.

To her surprise Brittany burst out laughing, 'You're so sweet,' She steps forward and kisses Santana, 'I have other clothes in my bag, I just couldn't wear them here or mom would get suspicious.'

She disappears into Santana's room to get changed. Santana follows her after a moment and gasps again when she enters the room. Brittany's only in her underwear as she pulls a sparkly bodycon dress out of her bag. Santana feels a jolt as she looks at Brittany's abs.

Brittany follows her gaze and winks at her, 'Like what you see?' She asks with a laugh.

Santana shakes her head, 'Just get dressed so we can get going. We don't want to be late.'

It turns out everyone is late to high school parties and there's only a couple of people milling around by the time they walk from Santana's dad's apartment to Kelly's small mansion on the outskirts of Lima. It's only a ten-minute walk, but they take it more slowly, Santana not wanting to get sweat patches on her black shirt from walking in the heat, even though the sun has started to go down, cooling the air.

Kelly grins at them when they enter, 'Hey fresh meat,' She says, 'Can I get you girls something to drink?' When they both nod she gestures for them to follow her, 'Come on I'll show you where the alcohol is.'

She leads them into the backyard. It's bigger than Santana's whole house, with a large lawn area, a pool and the patio where they currently stand. They stop next to several large metal buckets filled with ice and drinks.

Kelly points to the three buckets on the left, 'These ones are the alcohol,' She point to the two on the right, 'And these are the mixers. Now I assume neither of you has drunk before?'

They shake their heads.

Kelly raises her eyebrows, 'Well, it'll be a fun night then. I'll show you how to mix drinks so you don't die of alcohol poisoning.' She pulls a bottle of vodka out of one of the left buckets and a bottle of lemonade out of the right, 'Now,' She says, 'Stick with this for tonight otherwise you'll be throwing your guts up tomorrow morning because you mixed drinks.' She pours about a quarter vodka and tops it off with lemonade, 'And don't have too many just because they taste good.'

She passes them their drinks and then leaves them to their own devices with a quick, 'Enjoy.'

Brittany glances at Santana who holds her plastic cup nervously. They have a silent conversation before both taking a sip in unison. It's strong, Brittany decides, but it's not bad – she can taste the vodka, but it's not overpowering.

They hover in the corner and sip their drinks slowly as a crowd of people slowly trickle in, all grabbing drinks and then either heading over to the lawn to stand in circles and chat idly or mill around on the patio, bopping to the music that hasn't been turned up yet.

They're onto their second cups by the time Quinn finds them, she smiles holds up her own cup in a challenge, 'Chug?' She says.

Santana and Brittany both shrug. They tap their cups together in the middle, then down them. Brittany shudders as she reaches the bottom of the cup, where the vodka is stronger. She grins at Santana who grins back. At that moment, the music gets turned up, the bass begins to pound across the yard and the lyrics echo under the patio.

Santana drags Brittany over to the drinks and pours them another one before they make their way onto the dancefloor, joining the growing crowd of people who were starting to dance.

They dance and drink for a while, swaying together in the crowd of people – Quinn had disappeared at some point muttering something about finding a seat. Brittany feels the alcohol beginning to take effect; her senses have gone slightly fuzzy and her brain is finding things way more funny than normal – like when the guy next to her trips and she laughs so hard she can't breathe.

Santana's even further gone than she is, her dance moves are getting sloppy and she's swaying on the spot when she stands still. She giggles in Brittany's hair as she holds her up when she stumbles trying to do a spin.

Santana weaves over to get them a fifth drink, passing them both to Brittany and then yelling over the music that she's going to find the bathroom. Brittany nods and watches as the back of her head disappears into the crowd. She normally hates being left alone in a crowd of people, but the alcohol appears to have removed that fear and she looks around at the lights in wonder, liking the way they flash with the beat of the song. She doesn't even notice she's been spinning in circles until she crashes into the boy next to her and almost spills both the drinks. She apologizes and heads over to where she can see an empty seat on the lawn.

She sips on her drink as she sits down, and tips her head back, looking at the sky. Were the stars normally this pretty? She doesn't think so. They twinkle gentle and she giggles to herself, think about how when she was little she thought there was a tiny elf on each of the stars, flicking them on and off like a light-switch.

Katie from Cheerios camp taps her on the shoulder, 'You okay, Brittany?'

Brittany hums softly, 'Mmmhmmm. Just thinking about the star elves.' She giggles to herself again.

Katie frowns, 'Okay… Is Santana here.'

Brittany nods, 'Yep.' She pops the p, ' 's in the bathroom.' Her words slur slightly.

Katie leaves her alone.

She keeps sipping her drink until a group of boys start playing a small game of drunken soccer next to her and she almost gets hit in the head with the ball. She decides to go find Santana.

She makes her way inside and looks around for Kelly to ask her where the bathroom is, then something in the living room catches her eye. She wonders for a moment if it's the alcohol making her mind go funny, but after she closes her eyes for ten seconds and opens them again, she can still see it clearly and decides it must be real, even if she doesn't want it to be.

Santana sitting on the couch making out with Noah Puckerman. From where she is, she can see her tongue down his throat. Him groping at her boobs.

Brittany downs the rest of her drink and the rest of Santana's in two giant gulps.

She wants to march in there and pull them apart. She doesn't, she just stands there waiting and watching.

She feels a bit like a creep, watching her best friend make out with a boy – but she has too much alcohol and jealousy coursing through her veins to really care.

She pulls her eyes away and runs back outside.

Santana finds her five minutes later and asks if they can go home.

She agrees.

The walk home is quiet, Brittany knows why she's quiet, but she can't work out what's wrong with Santana. She decides to ask.

' 's wrong?'

Santana looks over at her and shrugs, 'Just Puckerman being an ass.'

Brittany panics, 'Did he do something to you?' She swings around, 'I'm going to hurt him.'

Santana grabs her and spins her back around, almost making her topple forward onto the sidewalk, 'It's fine,' She says, 'He was just trying to pressure me into going further with him, I said no and left. I'm fine.'

Anger still pounds in her, but she calms down a bit, 'Why'd you say no?'

Santana shrugs again, 'I don't want to be drunk the first time I do it. And I don't want it to be with Puck.'

Brittany accepts the explanation and holds her pinky out. Santana loops hers over and the keep walking.

Brittany wonders if Santana can feel the same weird tension between them as she can. It's not a bad tension, it feels like a tug, pulling her closer to Santana.

The tension grows worse the closer they get to Santana's dad's apartment. It's a pressure between them that is forcing Brittany towards her. She squirms slightly, trying to get the weird feeling in her belly to go away.

They take the elevator up and Brittany meets Santana's eyes. They stare at each other the whole way to the fourth floor and Brittany feels like she needs to kiss Santana and she needs to kiss her now. Maybe it's a leftover edge of the jealousy she felt earlier when she saw Santana kiss Puck, but the feeling is overwhelming.

The moment Santana closes her apartment door behind them, Brittany pushes her up against it. Pressing her lips to Santana's. Hard. Santana kisses her back instantly and pushes her backwards.

'Not here,' She whispers, even though her dad is away.

They enter Santana bedroom and Brittany's lips are on Santana's again, moving forcefully. She shoves her tongue into Santana's mouth and relishes in the taste of Santana mixed in with alcohol. She feels a hint of relief that she can't taste Puck on Santana's lip.

Santana moans softly into her mouth and Brittany finds herself moving her hands away from Santana's face, dragging them down her neck and cupping one hand over her right breast, squeezing slightly. Santana moans again and she squeezes harder.

She pulls her lips from Santana's and starts trailing open-mouthed kisses along her draw, eliciting a tiny gasp from her lips. The feeling in her belly grows stronger and she feels a strange heat pooling between her legs. She moves her mouth down Santana's neck, pausing to suck on the point where her throat meets her collarbone. Santana moans louder and arches her neck into Brittany's mouth, whimpering slightly.

Brittany pushes them backwards until Santana's legs hit the mattress and they topple back, Brittany landing on top of Santana and continuing the assault on her neck. Brittany keeps palming at her chest and slowly creeps one hand up her shirt, running her fingers slowly over the point where Santana's breast spills out of her bra. Santana groans and bucks her hips up.

It's only in that moment when Brittany realizes what is happening. What her movements mean. She doesn't stop, suddenly even more turned on than before. She pulls Santana's shirt over her head and begins kissing down further, kissing along the top of her bra and feeling where her nipples stand up against the fabric. Santana bucks her hips again.

Then suddenly Santana is pushing her off, breathing heavily. 'Britt, we can't,' She heaves, pulling her shirt up to her chest. There's a look of fear in her eyes again.

'Why not?' Brittany tries to lean down to kiss her again.

'Brittany.' Santana's voice is firm, 'I said no.'

Brittany pulls back, slightly shocked at the change in mood, 'I'm sorry, I thought -'

'I think you should go,' Santana leans back and closes her eyes, willing herself not to cry.

Brittany freezes. Everything was perfect until about five seconds ago. Santana had been enjoying it, hadn't she? Why did she change her mind so suddenly? What was she so scared of?

She doesn't say anything, just calls her mom, saying she feels sick and needs to go home. She gets changed while she waits for her to get there. When her mom texts her that she's out the front, she looks over at Santana who hasn't moved from bed spot on the bed. She leans down and kisses her forehead. 'I'm sorry,' She whispers.

Santana keeps her eyes closed even after Brittany has left. She knows she should get up, take a shower and change her panties. But the night's events keep playing in her mind; the alcohol, kisses Puck on the couch, Puck asking her to come upstairs with him, the walk home with Brittany and the tension between them, Brittany kissing her, Brittany doing more than kissing her, her pushing Brittany away, Brittany leaving.

She doesn't know why she made Brittany leave, but in the moment she'd been so scared. She'd been so caught up in what was happening, that she hadn't even realized what was happening. They'd almost had sex – was it even sex if it was between two girls? But they were two girls and _girls don't marry girls_ and sex was something that married people do. It's too far, even if it felt so good.

_God_, it had felt amazing. Her stomach is still aching with desire, the point between her legs is still throbbing.

She takes a deep breath and lets her hand trail down her bare stomach and slip below the waistband of her skirt. She's never done this before – then again, she's never been this turned on before.

She stifles a gasp as she runs her pointer finger through her slick heat. The gasp is partially out of pleasure, partially out of shock – because she's really wet. She circles her finger up and over her clit, biting down on her lip. She keeps circling, her breathing gets heavier.

She tries to imagine that it's Noah's fingers not her own as she slides her middle finger down and dips it inside of herself. It's tighter than she'd expected and she lets out a tiny moan as pleasure spreads across her body.

She starts to slowly pump her finger in and out of herself and the heat in her belly begins to spread. She adds a second finger and this time she can't stifle her moan and it echoes around her room as she builds up speed. She tries to keep the image of Puck in her brain, but it keeps slipping away.

The pressure in her stomach begins to build as she pumps her fingers in and out, she knows she's getting close to something and her breaths have turned to pants. She reaches down with her other hand and begins to furiously circle her clit, trying to draw herself to the edge.

She feels her inner walls start to flutter and the image of Puck disappears completely, replaced instead with blonde hair and blue eyes. She presses down on her clit and goes flying over the edge, her body shuddering with pleasure. The moment she starts shaking a tiny gasp of, 'Brittany,' escapes her mouth.

She doesn't feel as good as she hoped when she comes back down, the image of Brittany's face when she told her to leave swirling in her brain.

She falls asleep feeling more guilty than she ever has before.

\----------

The next week is one of the strangest Santana has ever encountered. Even stranger than in the in-between weeks after her parents told her they were getting divorced, but before her dad moved out – where she wouldn't enter a room and see them together and wonder if her whole life was a lie.

Santana gets a horrible guilty feeling every time she's around Brittany, it's the bad, sick feeling in the pit of her stomach but on steroids. She spends the days after the party curled up in bed, gripping her stomach – she doesn't eat, and when she takes sips of the water her mother forces into her mouth, she spends the next half hour retching over the toilet bowl.

Santana can't get her brain to turn off the thought of Brittany; her pushing Brittany away. Her brain flashes through images of them kissing, of Brittany's hands running up and down her body. Her Abuela's words echo around in her mind, rattling against the empty space not occupied by Brittany, _Girls don't marry girls._

Maribel is so worried about Santana that she calls her dad, who comes home from his conference early – meaning they both know she lied to them on the weekend. The sick feeling gets worse. When her mom asks if she drank any alcohol she can't lie anymore, she just nods her head, praying it'll make the feeling go away.

It doesn't.

She sees her parents whisper nervously in the concern and she watches Papi shake his head and sigh.

'Mija,' Her mom says, 'Did anything bad happen to you at the party? Did anyone hurt you?'

She wants to scream no, no one hurt her – in fact, Brittany made her feel so good – but she did something bad, she hurt Brittany. She shakes her head no and tells them it's just a stomach bug.

Papi looks down at her and frowns, 'Baby,' He says softer than she's ever heard his voice, 'I'd like to get you a prescription for anxiety medication. I think it will make this sick feeling go away.'

She tries to protest, to say she's fine. There's nothing wrong with her except that she's a terrible friend – friends are supposed to do anything for each other. She knows that sleeping with Brittany is a big step, but if it doesn't mean anything then it's not harming anyone.

He gets her the medicine anyway after calling a friend over to give her a consultation. They make her mouth so dry it hurts, but they start to work. After several days of taking them and repeating the phrases, _girls don't marry girls_ and _it doesn't mean anything_, over and over in her head like a mantra.

The strangest thing about the next week is Brittany's behavior. Because while the situation is literally tearing Santana apart, Brittany acts like nothing happened at all. The day after, she shows up at Santana's mom's house like usual and when Maribel tells her that Santana is sick, she walks up the stairs anyway.

She sits next to Santana on her bed and strokes her hair, 'Did the alcohol make you sick, San?'

Santana just shrugs and tries to roll away from the touch.

Brittany keeps coming back.

On the fifth day, when Santana receives her medicine, she tries to hide it from Brittany. She feels terrible enough that she needs it, let alone having Brittany know she was right all those years ago when she told her she was broken.

Brittany sees them anyway, and after slowly reading the label, leans down and gives her a gentle kiss on her forehead – so different from the harsh kisses on the night of the party – Santana finds herself relaxing into the touch. 'I hope they make you feel better, Santana.' She whispers into her hair before pulling back.

It takes Santana three more days to work up the courage to go to Brittany's house. It's the longest she's ever gone without seeing the Pierce's since she was six, and she can't shake the nerves that overcome her as she knocks on the door – as if they will somehow be able to sense that something is wrong.

To her surprise, Brittany opens the door. 'Hey,' She says.

Brittany's face lights up, 'Hey.'

They head upstairs and Santana sits nervously on the end of Brittany's bed, 'Where are your parents?'

'They took Ashley to the water park in Westerville.'

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Santana opens her mouth, 'I'm sorry for freaking out.'

Brittany shrugs and smiles, 'It's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you.'

'I didn't need to make you leave though.'

Brittany nods at this, 'Are you feeling better.'

Santana flops herself back on the bed and grins, 'I'd feel better if we just have a lazy day.'

Brittany nods and lays down next to Santana. The silence stretches out, but it's not uncomfortable They listen to each other breathe and Brittany reaches out to trace lazy circles on the bare skin of Santana's arm.

'Brittany?' Santana whispers, trying not to break the atmosphere.

'Yeah?'

'Can I kiss you?' She speaks even more softly than before.

Brittany nods and Santana rolls over, capturing Brittany's lips in a soft kiss. Brittany kisses her back slowly. Normally their kisses have been quick – pecks in quiet moments, or more recently; filled with desperation. This kiss is different, it's gentle and sweet, but still filled with passion and feeling.

Brittany runs her tongue over Santana's lower lip, asking for permission. Santana hums quietly and grants her entry, kissing her back with slightly more force. Brittany swings her leg over Santana and pushes her body up, rolling them to the right until she's laying on top of Santana, still holding her weight up so she doesn't crush her.

Santana pulls back a little, her voice is breathier than normal as she says, 'Britt -'

Brittany leans down and kisses her again, 'It's not marriage, Santana,' Her voice is firm but soft, 'It's just fun.' She plants another kiss on her lips, 'But we can stop if you'd like.'

It's the calm way in which Brittany says it – carefully erasing Santana's two biggest worries – that causes her to snap. She surges upwards and kisses her hard, shoving her tongue back into Brittany's mouth. She feels Brittany smile into the kiss and struggles to hold in a moan as Brittany starts slowly placing kisses along her jawline.

She wants to do something back, so she cups Brittany's breast over her shirt and rubs it softly with her hand. Brittany's lips still against her for a moment, so she repeats the motion with slightly more force. She feels her belly thrum with arousal as Brittany moans into her neck. She tugs at the hem of Brittany's shirt, pulling it up – there's a moment where Brittany has to pull away from her neck to throw it over her head, she feels an ache at the loss.

Brittany pulls her shirt off as well and starts moving her kisses lower, replicating her actions from the night of the party. Santana doesn't know what to do, so she keeps rubbing her hands over Brittany's chest. Brittany arches forward into the contact, wanting more, so Santana slips her hand around her back and fiddles with the clasps of Brittany's bra, trying to expose more of her. Brittany pulls back again to shake the straps off her arms and Santana gasps when it allows her to see Brittany fully.

She's beautiful. Santana's seen her naked many times before, but she's never really looked before. She leans up and presses a chaste kiss in the valley between her breast. Brittany bites her lip, before reaching down and undoing Santana's bra, replicating the motion.

Santana feels a jolt of electricity go right between her thighs. Brittany keeps kissing her breasts, kissing them all over – Santana can't help but wonder where she learnt to do this, it seems so natural. Santana pushes her thigh in between Brittany's legs, trying to relieve some of the pressure, Brittany moans loudly and pushes her hips up into the contact.

Santana takes this as a sign to keep going, so she reaches down and undoes the button of Brittany's shorts, pulling them down her legs. Brittany kicks them off the bed and then undoes Santana's shorts.

They stop for a second, both breathing hard, while sitting there in just their panties. It's like they're evaluating what to do next.

Brittany moves first, hooking her fingers over the hem of Santana's panties and pulling them down. Santana suddenly feels very exposed, and clenches her legs together, hiding herself until Brittany tugs down her own underwear and realizes again just how beautiful Brittany is.

Santana kisses her again, letting Brittany settle back on top of her again as she rests her head on the pillow. She gasps when Brittany's center brushes her thigh, wet and hot, and so much softer than Santana could have ever expected. Brittany hovers over her for a moment, she looks down into Santana's eyes, as though asking her for permission. Santana stares back and nods.

Brittany lowers herself slightly and their centers bump together softly. Santana lets out a hiss, 'Shit.' And Brittany moans loudly again.

Suddenly, Santana needs more, so much more and she bucks her hips up so her center rubs over Brittany's again, this time they both moan and Santana repeats the action. She feels the coil in her stomach begin to tighten ever so slightly.

Brittany's hand trails over her stomach and begins to slip lower. She pauses before dipping it down and running her fingers through Santana's heat. Santana moans again and bucks her hips up into the touch, her eyes begging for more. Brittany's pointer finger circles her clit lightly and Santana lets out her name in a gasp, 'Brittany.'

She feels a great urge to feel more, but it is mixed in with a desire to make Brittany feel good too. So, she slips her hand between them and rubs her hand over Brittany's center. She feels herself grow more aroused at just how wet Brittany is – a jolt of pride washes through her when she realized she was the cause of it.

Brittany is still stroking her softly and she needs more. She moans louder and Brittany gets the message, slipping the tip of her finger inside, it's almost enough to send Santana over the edge and she replicates the motion, sliding inside Brittany.

'Britt,' She gasps, 'More.'

Brittany starts slowly pumping her finger in and out, before sliding a second one and picking up speed. Santana feels all the nerves in her body begin to tingle, but she holds them off. Wanting desperately to make Brittany feel good too. She begins moving her own fingers inside Brittany, matching her pace.

Together they pick up speed, and Santana starts to buck her hips in time with their thrusts, trying to get as much force behind them as she can. Brittany does the same and Santana feels her knuckles brush over her clit.

She feels the coil deep in her belly begin to tighten at the same time as Brittany's walls begin to flutter around her fingers.

'Britt, I'm gonna -' She says.

Then her whole body stiffens as the coil snaps inside of her and she starts to convulse uncontrollably as she comes, waves of pleasure flowing throughout her body, making her toes curl. She feels Brittany's walls clamp down and feels her shaking as well as she whispers, 'Santana, Santana, Santana.' On repeat.

Santana shakes until she sees stars. She keeps working her fingers slowly inside Brittany, working her through her orgasm gently.

She breathes heavily as the last of the aftershocks run through her. Brittany slips her fingers out and collapses on top of her, 'Wow, Santana. That was -'

Santana rolls away from her, realizes what they'd done. She ignores the tingling she feels all over as she says, 'That wasn't sex, Brittany.' Her voice is shaking, 'We're two girls, it can't be.'

She doesn't look at Brittany, but she knows her face has fallen. She sounds calm and certain when she speaks though, 'I know. It was just practice. For when we do it with boys.'

They lie together breathing. Both of them ignoring the obvious point that what they just did couldn't be replicated with boys.


	4. something gave you the nerve to touch my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're fifteen the first time they say, 'I love you.'
> 
> They've both said it a million times before. But this was the first time it counted, the first time it meant more than, 'you're a great friend,' or 'thank you.' This was the first time it meant more than words could ever convey.
> 
> It's when they both realize there's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. They'd loved each other for years, but neither really knew the moment they fell in love.
> 
> The people around them don't see the pain it takes to get them there – they just see the shift; best friends to in love. Most people don't even bat an eyelid.
> 
> But they know how hard it was; how long it took to be able to admit it to themselves and out loud; how it took even longer for them to stop hiding that they were, in fact, in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
Sorry that this one took a bit longer, I struggled a bit through some parts. We've finally hit where the show starts and found it a bit difficult to find the right balance of using what the show has given us and putting my own spin on it. I tried my hardest to not just word dump the conversations from the show.  
As always, thanks for reading and if you notice any mistakes please let me know.  
TW's: underage sex, underage drinking, eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks.  
I hope you enjoy!  


They're fifteen the first time they say, 'I love you.'

They've both said it a million times before. But this was the first time it counted, the first time it meant more than, 'you're a great friend,' or 'thank you.' This was the first time it meant more than words could ever convey.

It's when they both realize there's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. They'd loved each other for years, but neither really knew the moment they fell in love.

The people around them don't see the pain it takes to get them there – they just see the shift; best friends to in love. Most people don't even bat an eyelid.

But they know how hard it was; how long it took to be able to admit it to themselves and out loud; how it took even longer for them to stop hiding that they were, in fact, in love.

It begins with high school boys, freshman year, and fresh new feelings:

The day after they sleep together Santana adds to new rules to their ever-growing list of how far they can go without what they're doing constituting breaking Santana's personal rules – _girls don't marry girls and it's okay if it doesn't mean anything_.

Brittany doesn't meet her eyes as she lists the new rules, just nods and goes back to the book she's trying to finish reading before school starts.

Sex isn't dating.

and:

Only when they're completely alone - no one can be home.

As school starts, they fall into a routine, working this new step in their relationship into their schedule; fitting it around school and Cheerios rehearsal, new social events and spending time with their families.

Brittany thinks Santana treats it like a task to check off her to-do-list. She does have a plan for each week which she sticks to like it's the law.

She would never write what they were actually doing down, but she has codewords for it which are written across her planner in her cursive handwriting, locking their actions in like a contract; Tuesday, 4pm-5pm: Study with Brittany – Home, and Saturday, 8am to 10am: Movie time with Brittany – Brittany's house.

It's not very nice, Brittany decides, to have their plans hidden and written down like a chore that needs to be ticked off. She feels a pang of sadness every time she sees the words _study movie time_ written down, because what they're doing is so much more than that.

It's also never as sensual as the first time. It's like a game to Santana – how fast can she get off and get out before it becomes what she fears it will? It's a step-by-step operation; enter the bedroom, take off clothes – sometimes Santana skips that step entirely – make out and ride each other's thighs until they finish, get dressed, fix hair and make-up, leave. Santana doesn't even let Brittany reach her hand down and touch her, although sometimes she touches Brittany when Santana rubbing against her thigh isn't quite enough to send her over the edge.

There's no room for anything else, they stick to the plan and they don't tell anyone.

It becomes so much worse when they go to their second high school party. Santana doesn't even dance with Brittany, just downs some tequila shots and goes to find Puck. Brittany tries not to watch them make out against the wall, tries to ignore the way she can see Puck's hand sliding up under her skirt, tries to pretend she doesn't see them sneak upstairs together.

When Santana comes back down half-an-hour later, she tells Brittany they're leaving.

'Did he hurt you?' Brittany asks, holding Santana as she stumbles slightly.

The streetlight above them flickers and Brittany becomes suddenly aware of how young they both are, walking home alone at night. Santana's drunk and Brittany's not exactly sober either, she's struck suddenly by how easily someone could walk up and hurt them. She picks up her pace a little, dragging Santana along.

Santana shakes her head, 'I wanna to,' She mumbles, slightly incoherently.

Brittany lets out a tiny sigh of relief, Puck hadn't forced her – taken advantage of her intoxicated state maybe; but he hadn't tried to manipulate her into doing something she didn't want to do.

Santana falls down in Brittany's driveway, tripping over an uneven edge of the concrete, she hits the ground hard and Brittany worries that she's broken a wrist the way she puts her arms out to stop the fall. She sits back up and starts laughing uncontrollably up at Brittany, who tries to shoosh her, desperate not to wake her parents up and have them see Santana in this state.

When she reaches down to lift Santana back to her feet, Santana grabs onto her hand and her laughter turns to sobs. She guides Brittany's hand to her cheek and rests it there, letting the tears drip onto Brittany's palm.

'You're my best friend, Britt,' She says between gasps.

'I know,' Is all Brittany can get out, because she doesn't think now's the time to bring up what she's been thinking about.

The next day after Santana has stopped throwing up, Brittany asks her what it was like with Puck.

Santana feels more bile rise in her throat and tries to swallow the horrible guilt that comes with it, staring at the blank look on Brittany's face. In the actual mechanics of the act, it had been alright – yes, it had hurt more than she'd expected, but Puck had been slow and careful, asking if she was alright and making sure she still wanted to do it as he pulled off her panties; she said yes, even though her brain was telling her no, because it had been her idea to go upstairs anyway. She'd thought if she found another way to get her frustrations out, she'd stop thinking about Brittany.

She hadn't. The whole time Puck was moving on top of her and grunting lowly like he was actually enjoying it her brain had been telling her it felt wrong. She tried to tell herself that it remembered how good it felt with her. _Girls don't marry girls, Santana_. She forced herself to pretend she was enjoying herself and when Puck rolled off her and asked if she came, she told him she did, he handed her back her panties and said she was good, and that they should do it again sometime. She just nodded.

She doesn't tell Brittany this, she just shrugs, 'It was alright,' She replies, not mentioning that she'd hated it, 'Felt kinda weird, but good though.' Her brain screams at her; _lies, lies, lies._

Brittany nods, 'I guess I'll have to give it a go then.'

Santana looks at her with wide eyes, because that had not been the right outcome. What if Brittany enjoys it? What if she stops having 'not-sex' with her?

She scolds herself for letting that thought slip into her mind because _girls don't marry girls._

'Yeah,' She says, ignoring the bad feeling that settles in her stomach, 'You'll have to do that.'

They go to a cheerleading competition in Columbus the next weekend and Santana helps Brittany flirt with a boy from a school in New York. That night, Brittany sneaks out of their hotel room and creeps down the hallway, knocking on the door of the boy's room.

He's the only male in his school's team, so luckily, he has his own room. He kisses her roughly, pressing her against the door. It's very different from kissing Santana, much firmer and she can feel the scratchiness of his stubble against her chin. It's not bad though, she's kissed boys before, but never with any intention to go further. She likes it, she decides, not as much as Santana, but she still likes it.

The boy doesn't wait for her to give him the go-ahead; he pushes her back onto the bed and hikes up her skirt, not even bothering to remove it or her shirt, he pulls her panties down and she feels something hard poke her leg.

She suddenly remembers what is actually happening and it's overwhelming, this is a big deal. Not because she hasn't done it before – despite what Santana claims, she knows that what they're doing is sex – but because it's not as comforting as she thought it would be and she's not here with someone she loves, she's in a hotel room with a boy she hadn't met before today.

When he starts moving, it hurts, a lot more than she'd expected, but there's pleasure beneath the pain and as it draws out it becomes more enjoyable, the pain fades into the background and the pleasure builds up. It might not be the same as when she's with Santana, but it's still nice.

When it's over, she sneaks back into her room, Santana is still awake waiting for her and Brittany grins at her, giving her the thumbs up.

She pretends not to notice the way Santana's face falls.

\----------

Santana wants to make what they're doing a game, so Brittany plays along.

It becomes a kind of unspoken competition between them, who can get the most boys to sleep with them.

Brittany's winning.

Mostly because Santana keeps going back to Puck instead of finding other guys – she says it's because he's the best at it. Brittany sleeps with him as well and tells Santana it's not true, he's not the best, Santana snaps at her that it's different for everyone – Brittany only just resists the urge to yell back, asking Santana to tell her that what they do doesn't feel amazing, she doesn't because she knows Santana won't be able to and she'll get mad.

Brittany hates when Santana gets mad. Mainly because she gets angry at herself more than she gets angry at Brittany – Brittany knows she repeats the rules over and over again in her head when it happens, _girls don't marry girls and sex isn't dating_, and she silently curses Santana's Abuela for every putting those thoughts in her head. Maybe she wouldn't be so scared all the time if she never said anything. She also hates when Santana gets mad because she knows her anxiety gets worse and she makes herself sick.

She also knows Santana stopped taking those pills months ago because she thought they were making her fat – they weren't, Brittany doesn't think Santana could get fat if she tried and even if she did, Brittany's certain she would still be just as beautiful.

Brittany gets so caught up in the game that she doesn't notice Santana's struggling for way longer than she should.

It starts when Santana cuts their Tuesday 'study' session off her schedule. She tells Brittany she's too busy with school and needs to find a time when Puck can come over, her dad is getting suspicious of the hours she disappears for every Saturday night.

Brittany accepts this change, mostly because she knows Santana is actually busy with schoolwork and also because as much as it pains her to see Santana with Puck, she's sleeping with other boys too and has no right to get mad.

Then one of the girls in Cheerios mentions something about seeing Santana at the gym on Tuesday and Brittany gets confused, because that's not on Santana's schedule. Santana brushes it off and says she was getting antsy at home and needed a break.

The second sign Brittany misses is that Santana stops drinking when they go out to parties, she mumbles an excuse about her mom getting mad and telling her not to drink anymore, and sticks to water every weekend and dances as much as she can, deliberately keeping her eyes of Brittany who's in the corner kissing a different boy each week. One-time Santana catches her out of the corner of her eye and rushes to the bathroom to throw-up because Brittany is sitting on the lap of a girl, tongue down her throat.

Santana wonders what it must be like to not feel that horrible feeling in her stomach at the thought of doing anything like that in public. _Girls don't marry girls._

She asks Brittany about it the next day and she shrugs it off, 'She wanted to, it was nice, it's not a big deal.'

But it is a big deal, because it's one thing for Brittany to go and sleep with other boys, but it's different when it's another girl. Because if Santana thinks about it, she considers what Brittany does with those girls sex, which means what they do must be sex. It makes her head pound and she pushes the thoughts away. Attempting to fend off the jealously burning in her stomach.

She starts keeping her clothes on every time they have 'not-sex' on Saturdays. She doesn't want Brittany to see her skin anymore, doesn't want what they do to expand into the territories where it is comparable to what she does with boys. She doesn't want Brittany to see how ugly she feels when she looks in the mirror, how the bad thoughts in her head – the darkness and emptiness – seem to be spreading away from her brain, seeping through her skin until they're visible on the outside.

She starts getting up early in the mornings so she can run before Cheerios practice – that way she's always five miles ahead of the other girls by the time she gets there. She asks Sue for tips on losing weight – she commends her on taking action – and gives her the ingredients for her master cleanse. Santana fills her water bottle with it instead of water and takes sips of it throughout the day.

Most of the Cheerios don't eat lunch at school anyway, or if they do, they just eat lettuce. _Sue's always watching_, they say, _she'll know if you break your diet here_. Santana's pretty sure that Brittany just thinks she's trying to blend in with the crowd, that she'll eat once she gets home. She doesn't.

The only meal she really eats becomes dinner, Maribel is home in the evenings and cooks for her – meaning she had no choice but to eat. She starts asking for smaller servings, claiming she's still full from lunch or that she had too many snacks after school.

A month after her new exercise regime as she calls it in her head, Sue does her next weight check for Cheerios. Santana's lost just over 30 pounds. Sue smiles widely at her and hands her a new uniform in a smaller size.

'Keep up the good work, Santana,' She says, using Santana's actual name for the first time, 'You've officially been promoted up the pyramid. Congratulations.'

Santana tells herself that this is why she wants to keep up with her 'exercise' for Cheerios, to move up the pyramid and up the ranks.

She ignores the nagging part in her brain that tells her it's so she'll be beautiful enough that Brittany will want to keep her.

Brittany should notice somethings wrong, but she doesn't. She believes Santana's lies about school and her parents. She thinks Santana doesn't take her clothes off as another step in the game, another way to convince herself that nothings happening. She thinks Santana's just trying to fit in with the other girls when she stops eating at school. She thinks Santana's push to exercise more is because she wants to rise up the ranks in Cheerios.

She gets so caught up in the game they've been playing, in the pieces Santana has put down to hide herself, that she forgets to make sure that Santana is okay, that Santana is still her best friend and not a version of herself that she puts on for show.

Santana's dad notices first. He forgets to knock on her bedroom before entering and sees a flash of her skin as she pulls a shirt over her head. He notices the way her ribs are sticking out more than they should. He starts watching her when she's at his house and sees the way she pushes the food around her plate a dinnertime, notices she doesn't leave her room during the day except to go to the bathroom. He searches her room one time during the week and finds no evidence of snacks anywhere, not even wrapper in the bin.

He asks her the next weekend, 'Santana, baby, have you been eating?' It's a direct approach, one that will most likely startle the response he's looking for.

She denies it, saying she has snacks in her room and empties her bin before she leaves, but the look in her eyes tells Javier everything he needs to hear.

He forces her to go back on her pills. He knows they're for anxiety, but they should calm her down, help her think rationally and allow her to keep control over the emotions that make her feel like this. She protests, telling him repeatedly that she's fine, but he insists. She gets the prescription, but he can tell she isn't taking them – he starts counting the pills when she's not around and when the number doesn't go down, he makes her take them while supervised, checking to see if she's swallowed them.

They make a deal, she takes them for the rest of the year, he'll let her get the boob-job she wants over the summer.

She starts to get better; she eats more consistently, she drinks at parties – she doesn't stop running in the morning, but she makes it less about shedding pounds or staying at the top of the pyramid, and more about the sense of calm that it gives her.

They join glee club at school, and despite how much she insults it, she secretly loves it, it's the only place where everyone is different and maybe they're still judging one another, but they're not hurting each other. She feels safe in the choir room. It's the one place apart from her and Brittany's bedrooms where they can be themselves even if they still don't kiss in public. She can keep up her bitchiness for appearances sake, but she can let Brittany play with her hair or link their pinkies together when they're sitting in the back row.

She keeps her guard up, doesn't get too close to any of the other people in glee – even if some of them are mildly interesting, the annoying ones would bring down her reputation. She finds herself talking to Kurt Hummel more, and in two weeks she hears him say more words than he spoke in second grade when they sat next to each other for a whole semester.

He softly apologizes to her for believing the rumors that she was a witch when they were six – it makes her laugh because first of all, they were six, and second, she hasn't heard anyone bring that up in years. It makes her feel slightly better that it was still impacting him after all these years.

She starts to feel in control again - more in control than she has in months. She's able to look in the mirror and not see every tiny detail she wants to change; the emptiness from within seems to be slowly retreating back to its rightful place in her brain; she can eat without counting calories; she takes her pills every morning without supervision; she hasn't had her horrible stomach feeling in months – even when she's having sex with Puck while thinking about Brittany.

She still repeats her mantra over and over in her head, _girls don't marry girls and sex isn't dating._ But she feels good for the first time in a while.

Then Brittany accidentally tells the other glee kids that they're sleeping together, and she feels like she's starting to crash again.

She knows it was a mistake, she knows Brittany doesn't think before she speaks and whatever she's thinking slips out, but that doesn't stop her from getting angry. Not angry at Brittany, angry at herself for letting her guard down and not watching watch she was saying.

Because of course if she said, _sex isn't dating_, Brittany's mind would flash to them and their acts because that's _their_ golden rule, it's always been their rule so why would Brittany's mind apply it to someone else.

She's also angry because the outburst forces her to confront something she's been avoiding. As much as she always says _sex isn't dating_, the rule was never really applied to her and Brittany, it was more of something she told Brittany about them in relation to boys it kept either of them from getting in a relationship. It always helped her convince herself that what she and Brittany was doing wasn't sex – even if she always knew deep down it wasn't true.

But Brittany said, _if it were, Santana and I would be dating_, which means Brittany thinks that they're having sex. She's faced with the horrifying reality that what they're doing is sex, which means she needs to focus more needs to stop what they're doing from getting out of hand.

_Girls don't marry girls, Santana._

She feels the air leave her lungs the moment the words leave Brittany's mouth – she looks around, wondering who else heard that in the crowded corridor. She waits for Kurt, Mercedes or Artie to say something; to call them out – they don't. She carries on the conversation like she's not struggling to suck air into her lungs.

She stills feels the weight on her chest, sucking away the air by lunchtime – she hasn't said anything to Brittany about what happened, and she keeps throwing Santana concerned looks like she's about to rip her head off.

She looks across the cafeteria and see Kurt whispering something to Rachel, watches Rachel's eyes go wide. She jumps up, 'Gotta go see Coach Sue,' She mutters to Brittany, before walking hastily out of the crowded room.

The choir room is the closest room she can think of where no one will be during lunch hour. She shuts the door behind her and slides down onto the floor. She can't get enough air in her lungs – it feels like she's trying to suck in concrete and her chest burns with every breath she takes. She tries to slow her breathing down, but it doesn't work, she keeps taking short breaths – she's panicking, she knows, but her head is spinning too much for her to be able to work out what to do.

She tries to pick a point to focus on to calm her down, but her head just keeps spinning with Brittany, Brittany, Brittany. Brittany's voice when she said those words; Brittany's shocked face when they slipped out, Brittany's apology immediately after they hung up; Brittany's guilty looks; Brittany's worry for her; Brittany getting hurt if this gets out; Brittany regretting ever being with her…

She's snapped from her thoughts when the opposite door swings open. _Shit_, she tries to quite her breathing so that maybe the person won't hear her and will leave. It doesn't work.

'Santana?' Rachel's voice is concern as she rushes over. She puts a hand on her shoulder, Santana shakes it off. 'Deep breaths take deep breaths. Here, copy me,' Rachel starts to breathe slowly, she reaches out for Santana's hand, placing it on her chest so she can feel it expand and contract, holding firm when she tries to pull away.

Slowly but surely, Santana's breathing evens out. Rachel lets go of her hand and it drops limply to her side.

'Santana,' Rachel's voice is soft and caring, 'I'm not going to tell anyone.'

Santana's heart drops, because she knows Rachel is talking about so much more than finding her alone in the choir room. 'Yeah, dwarf, I'm sure you will, 'cause you're so good at keeping secrets – what with your little Finn/Puck smackdown today.'

Rachel shakes her head, 'I know who your grandmother is.' Santana looks at her, puzzled. 'I see her sometimes at church -'

Santana interrupts, 'I thought you were Jewish considering you never shut up about it.'

Rachel looks down, 'It's Lima, Ohio, Santana – do you really think we have a temple?' She huffs. 'Anyway, I see the looks she gives my dads. I can understand why you must be scared, but -'

'I'm not gay,' Santana says hastily, 'Britt and I just got too drunk one time and it happened.' She raises her voice slightly, 'So, you can go around telling people if you want, because it isn't a big deal.' _It's a very big deal_, her brain supplies helpfully, _girls don't marry girls._

Rachel nods and Santana stands up, ready to get the hell out of a room where she's stuck with Rachel Berry alone, 'Santana?' Rachel says again.

'What?' She snaps back, her bitchy façade falling easily back in place.

'You should see someone. About the panic attack, I mean.'

Santana tells her the truth, 'I'm on meds.'

Rachel just nods, accepting that it'll be the only form of thank you she'll be getting.

She defends Santana in the dressing room at sectionals and Santana knows she was telling the truth about not saying anything, even if Santana keeps telling herself that there was nothing to hide. Because _sex isn't dating_, so it shouldn't be a big deal.

\----------

The game continues until one day it stops, and empty space fills its place.

All because Santana's snarky comments – usually reserved for school – turn on Brittany too.

'I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you. I'm only here because Puck's been in the slammer for about twelve hours now, and I'm like a lizard – I need something warm beneath me or I can't digest my food.' She regrets the words the moment they leave her mouth. She doesn't regret the words themselves – they're part of the game they've been playing for years now. She doesn't even regret the excuse – it's one of the worst she's ever come up with. No, she regrets the implication behind them – she's basically just said she doesn't like being with Brittany, that she's secondary to Puck and all the other guys. It isn't true; Brittany always comes first.

She says those words and stops playing the game. Leaving the pieces on the board, the game unfinished.

Brittany picks Artie mostly because he's the only guy in glee who is both single and has no previous sexual history with her. He's also less likely to treat her like she's stupid, even if she does say some extra dumb things that go beyond her actual stupidity – she's the only one allowed to call herself stupid, because even though she knows it's true (despite how much Santana denies it) it hurts when other people say it. She also selects Artie because he'll piss Santana off the most – he's not popular, he won't bring up her reputation; in fact, he'll drag it down. The _sex isn't dating_ rule has only ever applied to people who can brush sex off as nothing as easily as they can.

In truth, Artie starts out as her tactic in the game, a way to make Santana jealous. But he's nice and funny, and never makes fun of her.

Then Santana tells him she's only using him for sex, and he looks so sad because, _shit_, Brittany has taken something from him that he'll never get back. She feels so bad that she takes him back when he asks.

For the first time one of them is actually dating a boy, which mean Saturday: 8am to 10am 'movie sessions' are crossed off Santana's schedule because Brittany can't hurt Artie more than she already has, she doesn't want too, he's a nice guy even if he never makes her feel the way Santana does.

She pauses the game to make room for her boyfriend.

Santana lets it happen, but she also stops going to Brittany's house for sleepovers and Brittany can't quite decide if Artie's worth it.

It's a weird sort of limbo in their relationship because they act the same way at school – pinkies linked while they smile – but everything away from school just stops. They've quit Cheerios so now even when Santana sees Brittany at school, she's hanging out with the glee kids, which means she's hanging out with Artie.

Santana starts to spiral out of control again – the emptiness in her brain growing bigger as the spots previously filled by Brittany start to vanish, one by one. Only this time, Brittany notices.

She's been keeping a closer eye on Santana since she pressed pause on their game. Mostly because she wants to see how Santana will react – she wants to know if Santana is ready to admit that what they do is more than just meaningless sex.

She accepted that herself, the first time they slept together. She's never hidden the fact that she likes boys and girls, she's never outwardly said those exact words to anyone, but people know that Brittany has kissed girls at parties – she thinks they assume she was just drunk and alone.

She starts to watch how Santana acts around her. She notices she doesn't grab food in the cafeteria even though they're not on the Cheerios anymore and it doesn't matter. She notices that Santana starts drinking way more than normal at parties until she's so smashed, she's starting to pass out. She notices that clothes that fit her a month ago have started to look bigger than before. She hugs Santana during glee one time and feels her hipbones jutting out, poking Brittany in the thigh. She knows Santana's hipbones never did that before.

She notices that Santana never looks in the mirror when they're in the bathroom, not even to fix her make-up.

It scares her so much and she wonders if this is how Santana felt back in first grade when she wasn't eating her lunch.

Santana starts dating Sam and Brittany watches her fade slowly away, taking bigger steps backways, separating her from Brittany.

\----------

The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is mostly a train wreck for Santana.

It starts out okay, she does a bunch of shots – enough that she can't feel her face by the time Sam calls out that they should do body shots. Brittany lies down expectantly, and Santana almost shakes her head at her, but then Arties pouring the salt just above Brittany's bellybutton and there's nothing she can do. She leans down and licks the strip of salt off, trying to ignore the way Brittany's muscle clench as she touches them. She tips her head back and takes the shot – the look Brittany gives her as she sits up is enough to make her burst out laughing.

It's not even funny, but it's the only thing she can do to stop herself from crying.

She's drunk, so so drunk, but not quite drunk enough that she can't see Brittany kissing Artie out of the corner of her eye. She pulls Sam closer to her, but can still hear Artie shouting as Brittany takes her shirt off.

Rachel calls out that they're going to play spin-the-bottle. She hangs back, she doesn't want to have to kiss any of them. She shudders slightly at the thought of having to kiss Rachel. Then her eyes land on Brittany, who beckons her over. Santana shakes her head, because she doesn't know what she'd do if she had to kiss Brittany in public while all of their friends watched and pretend it means nothing.

The voice in the back of her head nags her, _it does mean nothing, girls don't marry girls._

'You know what? A reminder,' She stumbles forward, keeping her eyes on Brittany, 'I owns that guppy mouth. Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me.' She's talking about Sam, but both her and Brittany know the truth.

She watches them lean in and her stomach plunges as their lips touch. It's too much.

'Hey, honeys. It's not a Big Red commercial,' She slips into Spanish, something she only does when she's really upset, 'No me gusta.'

She leaves the room, heart pounding. Her ears are ringing loudly, and she needs a place where she can breathe. Her brain is fuzzy, and she can't remember if she took her meds this morning. _Shit_, this is the last place she needed to have another panic attack.

She goes to the upstairs bathroom, even though Rachel told them to use the one downstairs. It's quieter upstairs, she can actually think. She locks the door behind her clenches her fists on the sink, she finds that she's already starting to breathe normally again and allows herself to relax slightly knowing that she's going to be alright.

She looks up at herself in the mirror. It's the first time she's looked properly in weeks and she's slightly shocked by how much her cheekbones stick out. Her eyes look dull and sunken. She tries to smile to see if it'll make her look better – her lips won't cooperate.

A soft knock on the startles her, she jumps back from the mirror, looking at the door.

'Santana?' It's Brittany.

She unlocks it and sits down on the toilet lid as she enters, staring at her with concern.

'Are you okay?'

Santana nods, 'Yeah, just needed to breathe for a second.'

Brittany nods, then pauses before saying, 'I know you're not eating.'

_Shit._

'You need to eat, Santana,' Brittany kneels down and grabs her hand, 'It's good for you.'

Santana shakes her head, 'I'm fine.'

Brittany shakes her head with even more force, 'You're not.' She shifts slightly and looks up, directly into Santana's eyes, 'Remember in first grade, when I wasn't eating?'

Santana nods.

'Remember how worried you were? That's how I feel now,' Brittany's pleading, 'Santana, you have to eat, okay? You're really scaring me.'

Santana sighs, 'That's different, Britt. You're so perfect, not eating was damaging you. I'm just…' She trails off, _worthless? Ugly? Broken?_ She can't bring herself to say any of those words out loud – saying them might make it real.

'You're what, Santana?' Brittany's voice breaks and when Santana looks down tears are beginning to pool in the corners of her eyes.

Santana stands up, 'It doesn't matter.'

Brittany stands up as well, blocking the exit, 'It does matter.' She nods, 'Because you're amazing, Santana,' Her tears are flowing properly now, 'You're incredible and beautiful and smart and anything but worthless.'

'I'm broken,' Santana whispers, 'I told you when we were nine, but it's true. I don't feel things the way I'm supposed to. Everything's just so empty…' Her voice shakes, 'I'm none of the things you said. I'm just broken and -'

Brittany's lips against hers cut her off. Santana feels the words leave her as if Brittany was sucking them away. She kisses back, hard and fast, pushing Brittany up against the door with a dull thud.

Brittany pulls back for a second and stares deep into Santana's eyes, 'You're perfect.'

Santana breaks and kisses her again. She knows it's wrong, she knows their friends and _boyfriends_ are downstairs and could come up at any moment to look for them. She doesn't care. She just kisses Brittany.

It's quick and messy. Santana starts kissing down Brittany's neck – she's drunk but sober enough to know not to leave a mark. One hand comes up to tangle in Brittany's hair, the other one starts working the button on Brittany's shorts.

She doesn't even bother with pulling them off, just slides her hand down. She at Brittany for confirmation that is okay before she moves any lower and takes this beyond the point of return. Brittany bites her lips and nods, tilting her head back so it's pressed against the door.

Santana slips her hand under Brittany's panties and runs her fingers slowly through the wetness she finds there, Brittany whimpers and Santana kisses her to keep the sound from somehow travelling downstairs and being heard by one of their friends over the music.

They don't do this often. Actually touch each other, it's been months since they have – even before Brittany started dating Artie – Santana wouldn't let them do more than rub against each other.

She'd almost forgot how good Brittany felt. She pushes two fingers into Brittany and holds them there for a moment, letting her adjust. Brittany moans into her lips and bucks her hips into Santana's hand. She takes this as a cue to start moving. She pulls her fingers out and thrusts them back in again, she moves quickly, aware of the people below them and the fact that any one of them could come looking for them.

For the first time she's grateful Artie can't walk up the stairs, because she's sure he would have already noticed they're gone.

She keeps the fast pace, curling her fingers slightly to hit the spongy spot on Brittany's inner walls. Brittany lets out a tiny cry and pulls her lips away from Santana's, biting down on her shoulder again to keep herself quiet. Santana repeats the motion and Brittany's hands tangle in her hair, pulling hard.

'So close,' She pants into Santana's shoulder, legs beginning to shake.

Santana shifts the angle of her hand slightly, letting her fingers hit new spots, curling them with every movement. Brittany whimpers and she presses her palm down, sliding her thumb upwards so it brushes over Brittany's clit.

It's all it takes, Brittany stiffens against her, her walls clamping down on Santana's fingers. She lets out a tiny _squeak_ as she shakes. Santana keeps moving her fingers slowly, working her through her orgasm and bringing her gently down.

Brittany slumps against the wall and then looks at Santana, placing a soft kiss on her lips. 'Thanks.'

Santana pulls her fingers out and washes her hands in the sink as Brittany does her pants up and runs her fingers through her hair. Her lips are swollen and her cheeks are flushed, but Santana hopes all their friends are too drunk to notice.

They head back downstairs and fall back into their roles; Brittany going to sit on Artie's lap, while Santana begins kissing Sam as Rachel and Blaine start to sing loudly.

Santana's still drunk, but the events in the bathroom sobered her up a lot. She doesn't meet Brittany's eyes for the rest of the night, but they both know what's happened.

They're both playing the game again.

\----------

Brittany feels really really guilty.

But she keeps going back for more.

She knows what they're doing is cheating, she knows that Santana knows too. But both of them keep coming back to one another – they fall back into their old routine. Saturday: 8 am to 10 am 'movie session' at Brittany's is written back into Santana's schedule.

Brittany starts doing what Santana does and tells herself lies in an attempt to make herself feel better about the whole situation, _she's a girl it isn't cheating._ But it is, and she knows it.

She could break up with Artie, but that would make everything worse because it would imply that what they were doing was more than sex and that would scare Santana off. She also does love Artie and she doesn't think she could break his heart like that.

It's the guilt that makes her finally say something. Because the fact they keep coming back makes Brittany realize that as much they both deny it, it's always been more than sex. Neither of them have ever been cheaters before, but they keep coming back and that means they both want more – not just because they want sex, they've both proven they could get that anyway – but because no matter how many people they've been with, they're the only consistent thing in each other's lives.

She tells her on the first Tuesday afternoon after Santana writes Tuesday: 4 pm to 5 pm – Study Session at home back into her schedule. It's after they've finished – without clothes this time – and Santana is doing Brittany's hair in silence, they can both hear Maribel moving downstairs.

'I want to talk to you about something,' Brittany says.

Santana's hands pause for a moment, but she doesn't say anything.

'I really like when we make out and stuff,' There, she said it. She deliberately left out the word 'sex' because even though they've both admitted that it is sex, they don't say it out loud.

Santana moves away and prompts Brittany to repeat the lie they've both drilled into their brains.

'But when Artie and I are together, we talk about stuff, like feeling,' Again, she's done it, she's brought up feelings.

Santana pulls a face at the mention of Artie, 'Why?'

'Because with feelings it's better.'

'Are you kidding?'

Brittany knows what Santana says is a lie, she knows that her and Santana's sex is the best she's ever had; she knows Santana feels the same; she knows Santana is just scared. Because like she always says, _girls don't marry girls._

Brittany thinks that's stupid, because girls can marry girls if they want to. Not in every state yet, but they can. She curses Santana's Abuela for ever telling her that, because it's a lie, even if close-minded people think it's true.

'I guess I just don't know how I feel about _us_,' She emphasizes the last word because there is a _them_ no matter how much Santana tries to push it away. 'I think we should talk to somebody.'

She's shocked that Santana actually agrees, she thought she was going to have to fight harder. She hadn't actually thought that far ahead, didn't actually know who they were going to talk to.

It's actually Santana who suggests Holly Holliday. They can't talk to their parents unless they want them knowing they've been sleeping together for the past two and a half years. They can't talk to Mr Schue because, to be honest, they don't think he can solve anything. They can't talk to Coach Sylvester because they quit Cheerios and she hates them.

Holly Holliday is the only valid option.

Santana doesn't say much during their 'circle session' but Brittany sees her visible tense up when Holly says the word 'lesbian' and her heart breaks a tiny bit when she actively starts to deny it. But they do get somewhere, and they all go home with a song to learn for the next day.

She's so proud of Santana for agreeing to sing this song in front of the whole glee club. She knows how nervous Santana is and she watches her as they sing, letting her know it's okay.

Santana starts to cry and Brittany wants to get up and wrap her arms around her, but she can't – so she lets Santana pour her feelings into the song, she needs this, she needs this to break down her walls, to get over her fears; to admit to herself that what they have is more than meaningless.

The song ends and Santana wipes away her tears, Brittany looks at her and gives a tiny smile, 'Is that really how you feel?'

Santana nods and walks across the room to pulls Brittany into a hug, Brittany wants to whisper in her ear and tell her everything – exactly how she feels and how long she's felt it for. But they're in a room full of people, she's still dating Artie, Santana's still dating Sam, and she knows Santana needs to say it first, Santana needs time to accept it, needs to admit it to herself and the world first before she's ready.

Brittany can play the game for just a little bit longer.

\----------

_Landslide_ makes Santana think. It makes her think a lot, because she's finally put it out there, finally admitted that there is something _more_ between her and Brittany.

It makes her feel more sick than ever before and she takes an extra anxiety pill before she goes to bed to keep herself from spiralling.

Because what is actually going on between her and Brittany? How does she actually feel?

The words _girls don't marry girls_ echo in her brain. She pushes them away so she can think properly.

She thinks about Brittany; about Brittany's hair; about Brittany's smile; about the way her eyes light up when they talk; about how small she is even when she stands so tall; about the incredible way her brain works; about the way she is with Ashley; about the way she always knows what's wrong even when Santana doesn't tell her; about the way she kissed her the first time just to keep her calm; about the way she followed all the rules Santana set out even when she didn't want to; about the way she checked to make sure Santana was okay their whole first time; about the way she still checks.

She thinks about boys too; how rough they are where Brittany is soft; how they never manage to make her smile as much as Brittany; how sleeping with them never feels as right as sleeping with Brittany; how they never check on her feelings; how they never feel as good as Brittany.

It takes her brain a long time to be able to admit it. It's passed midnight before she's processed enough thoughts to let herself think the words, _I'm in love with Brittany._

_I'm in love with Brittany._

_I'm in love with Brittany._

The realization fills her with joy and horror all at once.

Joy because nothing has ever made her feel as happy as Brittany, she's never needed someone the way needs Brittany.

Horror because if she's _in love _with Brittany than everything has been a lie. If she's _in love_ with Brittany than maybe she's a –

She can't bring herself to think about that word in conjunction with herself. It's too much.

She starts thinking about other people instead.

She thinks about the people at school first. How they would react if she told them she was _in love_ with Brittany. The glee kids would be okay, she assumes – they all love Kurt. But she's so different from Kurt; they love him as a person. They don't love her. She thinks about Dave Karofsky and how he bullied Kurt until he left. She thinks about all the people who would hate her and stare at her and the thoughts make her freeze, because they _can't _know. If they know they can hurt her, they can whisper behind her back.

It hurts too much.

She thinks about her parents. She honestly has no clue if they would accept her if she told them. They always say they love her, no matter what. But parents say that to their kids all the time and they still end up on the street for being different. Her parents are religious, not crazy religious, but still religious enough that they go to church every Sunday. They've never outwardly said that they support _this,_ but they've never said otherwise when Santana's brought up Rachel Berry's two dads before. She thinks the unknown about them is somehow worse than knowing people at school will hate her.

It leaves her waiting, not knowing if she'll still have parents if she tells them.

She thinks about Abuela last. Abuela who tells her _girls don't marry girls_ and gives the Berry's dirty looks in church. Santana knows she doesn't support _it_, but would she support _it_ if it's her granddaughter – her only grandchild. Santana doesn't think so. Her Abuela is old fashioned, set in her ways. She doesn't think she'll still have her Abuela if she tells her.

It hurts less than she expected, because deep down she always knew. That's why she repeated the mantra, _girls don't marry girls_ in her head, because she was trying to hold onto her Abuela for as long as possible.

She thinks about Brittany again; Brittany who will love and accept her no matter what – that's why she pushed for this. But. Does Brittany feel the same way?

Part of her says, yes, she does because otherwise, she would have been fine with playing the game, sticking to the rules.

A much bigger part of her says, no, she doesn't, because who could possibly love_ her_. No one as wonderful as Brittany could love her.

The rational side of her brain replays Brittany's words from the party, _you're perfect_. She tries to convince herself it's true.

Either way, _she's in love with Brittany. She's in love with Brittany. She's in love with Brittany._

She doesn't sleep that night. Just lays there replaying those words over and over.

Her heart pounds; Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.

\----------

She has to tell her. She's decided that by morning. She has to because otherwise, she doesn't know how to look at her without feeling like she's lying.

She finds her before school starts.

'Hi, can we talk?' She tries to stop her voice from shaking.

Brittany looks up, she thinks she knows what's about to happen. She can tell by the look in Santana's eyes – she looks so sad yet so hopeful. She keeps her eyes on Santana's as she pours her feelings out in the middle of a crowded corridor. She watches as Santana's eyes – beautiful even when she's crying – start to fill with tears and when her voice breaks, Brittany's heart breaks with it.

'Still, I have to accept that… I love you.'

Santana's still so scared, she keeps looking over her shoulder making sure no one can hear. She lets the tears fall down her face, not bothering to wipe them away. It makes Brittany's heart ache because she knows how hard this is – she's so proud of Santana for saying those words aloud, for admitting what she couldn't for so long.

'Please say you love me back.' It's a plea.

Brittany's heart breaks again because she knows this is going to hurt Santana. It's going to ruin everything they have. But she also knows she has to do it, she has to make sure that Santana is ready – ready to fight for Brittany, but most importantly ready to fight for herself. She needs Santana to be able to face her fears and fight back against them, because only then would Brittany truly have Santana.

'Of course, I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie. I love him too; it wouldn't be right.'

Santana wants to scream back that everything they've been doing for the past month means that it's already not right, but she doesn't. She wore her heart on her sleeve and it got ripped off. She walks away.

She goes to the nurse and tells her she doesn't feel well. It's true, the horrible feeling has settled in her stomach and she feels like she's going to throw up. She does, leaning over the trashcan in the corner. The nurse calls her mom.

Her mom puts her to bed, something she hasn't done in years, and forces to take another anxiety pill, even though she already had one this morning. She sits next to Santana on her bed and pulls her into her arms.

Santana feels herself calm down slightly, 'Mom,' She says, 'Will you always love me?'

Maribel strokes her hair, 'Of course, Mija. I'll love you forever.'

Santana doesn't even realize she's crying until she's sobbing, she curls into her moms arms and lets her feelings out. She sobs until she can't breathe until there's nothing but her and her mom and Brittany's rejection swirling in her brain. She cries until she forgets Brittany's words, forgets everything except the sinking feeling in her chest when Brittany told her no, the look on Brittany's face when she pushed her away.

It takes her hours to realize that Brittany said it back, she said _I love you_ and Santana hadn't even noticed, hadn't realized because seconds later Brittany was rejecting her.

But she'd said it, _and_ she'd also told Santana that she'd be with her if there was no Artie.

She realizes that she just has to wait.

That doesn't stop her heart from breaking, it doesn't stop her from wanting to scream and cry and curse Artie until her lungs stop working.

Because they were so close to winning the game and Brittany took the pieces and threw them on the floor.

\----------

She pushes Brittany away because she doesn't know what else to do. Because Brittany said she loved her, but somehow didn't want to be with her.

It hurts so much to push her away, but she needs to stay in control, she can't fall apart again. Being rejected broke her enough already, having to be around Brittany after she rejected her, that would be too much.

The problem is, Brittany doesn't want to leave her alone. She doesn't want to lose her best friend.

Santana tells her she lied just because she wants her to go away. She throws up in the girl's bathroom after that.

It's not until she tells Karofsky and they stand together in front of glee club holding hands and she sees the disgusted look on Brittany's face that she realizes she's hurting her, badly. She'll lose her completely if she doesn't stop.

Brittany tries to give her the shirt and Santana finally gets it. Brittany doesn't just want her to be able to admit she's in love with her, she needs her to admit she's a lesbian. She can say the word now, but only to herself.

She wants to put the shirt on and dance with Brittany, she wishes she was brave enough. But she's not. She sits in the back row instead and hopes that none of the glee members see her. As the song ends, Brittany glances up, Santana sees her scan the auditorium and when her eyes finally land on Santana, she gives her the tiniest smile before looking away.

It's enough. A step in the right direction. Santana's showing that she will come out, one day – she's not ready yet, but she will be.

Artie notices Brittany giving Santana a look and she knows it's about to come crumbling down.

When he wheels up to her locker, she knows it's going to happen. She doesn't want to fight it, she can't out Santana any more than she already had. The Fondue for Two thing had been an accident – she doesn't think before she spoke, and Tina and Mercedes had already heard meaning it would start circulating.

Luckily, she has a reputation as dumb, so she was able to brush it under the table. Hide it away until Santana's ready. She hated seeing Santana mad.

The lies she'd spent so long drilling into her head spill out and she watches as Artie's heart breaks. She felt bad, she really did, but after all this time lying to him it was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

Then he calls her stupid and everything comes crashing back down. Because Artie wasn't supposed to say stuff like that, he was the one boy she could trust not too – she'd let him get to know her, to see the genius sides only Santana ever saw; she let him love her and he still thought she was stupid.

It makes her wonder if Santana thinks she's stupid.

She runs to Santana because she needs to know.

Santana wraps her up and tells her she's never ever been stupid, 'You're a genius, Brittany – always have been, always will be.' She boops her on the nose.

\----------

It hurts Brittany to see Santana with Karofsky.

It hurts more at first when Santana blows her off to be with Karofsky. But Brittany gets it, because she's still so scared and she'd never force Santana to do something she didn't want to do.

She's so scared, but she's still smiling and dance and looking like she's having fun, even is Brittany knows it's a lie. She knows Santana has never done more than hold Karofsky's hand at school; knows Santana would rather be anywhere but with him; knows Santana wants to be with her instead. She also knows that Santana isn't ready to be there with her.

She goes alone, because it's expected that she'll go with someone and she wants Santana to see that people don't care when you do something unexpected.

Even if the unexpected thing is so much bigger than rejecting Artie.

Brittany's so proud of Santana because she came to prom.

Even if she's not with Brittany she still came, and she's nominated for prom queen. She's still standing up and being the best she can be; she told Karofsky and only part of her relationship is a lie; she's still being herself just leaving out one important fact.

Brittany votes for her in the hopes that when she wins, she'll finally see that people don't hate her, they won't hate her. She knows it's a lot to hope, but she wishes more than anything that Santana will start to believe in herself the way Brittany believes in her.

She dances with Kate from her calculus class, not because they're attracted to one another in any way, just because Kate came alone too and she looked so sad sitting by herself that Brittany had to ask her.

It actually surprises Brittany how few people bat an eyelid at them. She kind of hates it because she can see people staring at Kurt and Blaine and knows that people don't take two girls as seriously as two boys. It's like they think it's a joke, her and Kate – like when she used to kiss girls at parties and the jocks would cheer them on like it was some sort of show put on just to make them hot.

She makes eye contact with Santana across the room and sees the shift in her eyes when she notices who Brittany's with. Brittany raises her eyebrows and tilts her head, gesturing Santana to come and join them. Santana shakes her head slightly, her eyes sad and nods to where Kurt and Blaine are dancing – all the people around them are staring.

Brittany's heart breaks for the millionth time in the past few weeks because all she wants is to make Santana less scared, to make her realize that the only thing that matters is that they are together.

Karofsky wins and Brittany cheers loudly because that means that Santana has won too and she'll see that everyone loves her, everyone supports her – she'll see that Brittany loves and supports her the most.

Then Kurt's name gets called and she sees the moment Santana freezes. It's like someone flipped a switch in her and she just stops, panic slowly spreading across her features. No one else notices, too busy staring at Kurt, but Brittany keeps her eyes fixed on Santana watching as she takes several deep breaths to calm herself down. She knows Santana won't let anyone in this room see her emotions, but she also knows that Santana didn't take her meds this morning – they make her sleepy sometimes and she was planning to stay up late; she had expected it to be a happy night where she wouldn't need to worry.

Santana's the first to slip away. She does it slowly, subtly – the complete opposite from the way Quinn runs out a few moments later. Brittany doesn't think anyone else notices, so she slips outs too and follows Santana down the hallway.

Santana's already crying by the time she catches up, she pushes open the door to Mr Shue's office and bursts through the next door, stepping into the silence of the choir room. She tries to mask her panic with anger, 'How could my running mate win and I didn't?

Brittany leans against the door. She doesn't touch Santana, she knows she's spiralling and she'll freak out more if Brittany gets too close, worrying that someone will see. She tries to calm her down, using her calm, dumb voices that she normally reserves to get things she wants without them being suspicious. Santana keeps her back to her and keeps crying.

'I'm gonna be an outsider my whole life,' Her voice breaks, 'Can't I just… have one night where I'm queen? Where I'm accepted?'

She sounds so sad and distant, but Brittany feels joy breaking through her own anguish – because Santana almost sounded like she was admitting what Brittany had needed to hear all along.

'As soon as we get to New York, I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony…'

Brittany's brain drowns out the rest of her words because there it was, she'd said it. Her heart swells up and she finally steps towards Santana, who turns back around and walks away again.

'They must have sensed that I was a lesbian. I mean, they must have.'

Brittany's heart skips a beat because she said it again, she admitted it; she'd said it with such ease like it was something she'd accepted about herself. Brittany smiles a tiny bit, 'People don't know what you're hiding, they just… they know that you're not being yourself.' She looks up and stares straight into Santana's eyes, they shine bright even rimmed with tears, 'If you were to embrace all the awesomeness that you are, you would have won.' She says it like it's a fact, even though she's not quite sure if it's true. She needs Santana to believe in herself.

'How do you know?'

Brittany looks down and lets a tiny smile bloom on her face, 'Because I voted for you.' She steps forward, 'And because I believe in you, Santana.'

She stares directly into her eyes and holds the gaze, as though she's proving to Santana that her words are true. Santana looks down, then back up and she smiles just a bit – it's the most beautiful thing Brittany's ever seen because it's Santana's smile of acceptance; self-acceptance and that's all Brittany has ever wanted.

\----------

That night as Brittany climbs into bed her phone buzzes on her bedside table. She picks it up and flips the screen up.

It's from Santana.

It's only four words, but it's all Brittany needs to see;

_Girls do marry girls._

Brittany smiles as she replies;

_Yeah San, they do xx_

_\----------_

That summer is the best one Santana's ever experienced. Because Brittany is with her the whole time and they're not lying anymore. They're still hiding, but they're not lying, not to each other.

They spend most of their time at Santana's house. Brittany's house is always too crowded – Ashley's on vacation too and Whitney doesn't work so they're never truly alone, there's always a little sister knocking on the door asking if they want to take her swimming or play with her friends, or a mother calling out to them about food or encouraging them to leave the bedroom.

It's the second one that scares both of them the most, worried that Whitney might barge into the room in an attempt to coax them out of bed and catch them in a compromising position. At least if Ashley walks in on them, they're fairly certain that she wouldn't know what was going on.

But the fear propels them to stay at Santana's mom's house. Maribel works during the day, so from 9am to 5pm they have the house entirely to themselves. They don't always stay in bed, sometimes they traipse downstairs to watch movies while cuddled up on the couch or to make food in the kitchen - occasionally they leave the house when Whitney calls them and says they have to take Ashley to the pool, or Quinn drops by and asks them to come shopping with her.

But they do mostly stay in bed. For the most part, it's not even sexual – they just lie there wrapped up in one another, dozing or talking or tracing patterns on each other's skin while lying in silence.

It's nice, it's calm and it feels so right.

It's one of those lazy mornings when they're lying there, cuddling in just their underwear when Santana looks up at Brittany, the light streaming in from the gap in her curtains lighting up Brittany's hair and making it glow like gold. 'Britt?'

'Yeah?'

Santana props herself up on her elbows, 'I want to try something.'

Brittany sits up slightly too, 'What?'

Santana takes a deep breath, 'I want to…' She pauses, 'I want to show you how much I love you.'

Brittany's face furrows in confusion, 'What do you -' She blushes slightly, 'Oh.'

'We don't have to, if you don't want. I just thought I'd ask.' Santana groans and buries her face in her pillow in embarrassment.

'No,' Brittany says, 'I want to.'

Santana looks up, 'Yeah?'

Brittany feels heat beginning to pool between her legs, 'I'd love to.' She presses a quick kiss on Santana's lips, 'Just like I love you.'

Santana presses back into the kiss and gently pushes Brittany back onto the bed, lowing herself on top of her. 'I love you too.'

They kiss slowly for a few minutes before Santana starts to work her way lower, kissing down Brittany's neck and along her collarbone, she pauses as she reaches the strap of Brittany's sports bra on her shoulder, then skips over it kissing lazily down Brittany's right arm. She kisses the crook of her elbow, the palm of her hand and the tips of each of her fingers. Then she pulls her lips away and switches to the other side, kissing the fingers on her left hand and working her way back up.

Brittany squirms beneath her as she reaches her neck again and lets out a breathy, 'San…'

Santana reaches around her back and lifts up the bra, helping Brittany pull it over her head in one smooth motion. Brittany feels like she's on fire and Santana's barely even touched her yet, she pulls Santana down in an attempt to encourage her to keep going.

Santana giggles but lowers her mouth, pressing gentle kissing onto the valley of Brittany's breasts, she circles the kisses upwards and kisses the top of her boobs. Brittany hums quietly and Santana continues, kissing around her right nipple, deliberately not touching exactly where Brittany wants. She keeps teasing, running her tongue softly over the path her lips just travelled.

'San,' Brittany whimpers, 'If you don't -'

Her words are cut off by Santana latching her lips onto the nipple and sucking hard. Brittany groans loudly and arches her chest into Santana's mouth. Santana bites down playfully and Brittany feels even more heat rush to her center. She knows she's soaked through her panties; she wouldn't be surprised if it was dripping on the sheets.

Santana switches to the other side, repeating the motion on her left breast and Brittany cries out louder than before as Santana reaches up and pinches her other nipple, rolling it in her fingertips.

Brittany moans at the loss of contact when Santana pulls back, breathing hot air onto the spot where her lips were pressed. Then Santana's kissing her way down her stomach and Brittany's muscles tense in every spot she touches – she's physically aching with need and Santana isn't speeding up.

Her lips reach Brittany's panty line. She looks up at Brittany, head thrown back on the pillow, hands tangled in Santana's hair, lips swollen, breathing hard. She's so beautiful Santana almost wants to cry.

She kisses each of her hipbones then hooks her fingers over the hem of Brittany's panties and pulls them down her legs at a torturous pace. She follows them with her lips, kissing down Brittany's right leg. She pulls the panties completely off, then kisses back up her left leg.

She slows down even more when she gets to her knee, moving up the inside of Brittany's thigh so so slowly Brittany thinks she's about to snap in half. She's so turned on, she thinks she's going to break if Santana doesn't touch her soon.

Santana nips the inside of Brittany's thigh and then moves to hover over Brittany's center. She inhales deeply and is shocked by how sweet Brittany smells; she's glistening with wetness that is slowly dripping down onto the sheets below her. It's fascinating.

She exhales and Brittany shudders as the cool air blows over her. Suddenly, Santana feels very nervous, she's never done this before, never let Brittany do this before. She looks up and finds Brittany staring down at her with a tiny smile on her lips.

'It's okay,' She whispers breathily, her words laced with arousal, 'I love you.'

Santana leans down and closes the gap, pressing a soft kiss to Brittany's center. Brittany cries out loudly. Santana flattens out her tongue and licks upwards through the wetness. Her brain goes blank at the flavor, it's a mixture of sweet and salty – something Santana can't quite explain – but it's so perfectly Brittany. She licks again and Brittany's thighs clench around her head. Santana pulls them apart gently, pressing them into the bed.

She slows down and moves her tongue to circle Brittany's clit, Brittany lets out a small scream. Santana repeats the movement, running her tongue over slick folds before moving up and flicking it over her clit.

Brittany's legs shake where she holds them, 'Santana,' She keens, 'Please.'

Her voice is so desperate that Santana can't help but comply. She starts sucking gently on her clit, then moves down and dips her tongue into her entrance. Brittany moans and tugs on Santana's hair. Santana slowly pushes her tongue in, and then pulls it out again, flicking it over her clit.

She keeps doing that, thrusting her tongue in and out, while alternating flicking and sucking her clit. She feels Brittany's legs shaking more and more – she knows she's getting close.

She untangles one of her hands from Brittany's thigh and brings it up next to her head, she moves the other arm to rest over Brittany's stomach, holding her down.

She gently slides one finger into Brittany while kissing her clit softly. Brittany's walls start to flutter and Santana pushes another finger in and slides her tongue over her clit.

Santana feels the muscles in Brittany's stomach clench a second before her walls do, trapping Santana's fingers. Brittany lets out a high pitched cry as she starts shaking.

Santana keeps moving her fingers slowly, working her down. She kisses her center softly.

Brittany keeps shaking, repeating, 'Santana, Santana, Santana,' Like a mantra.

When she finally comes down, Santana places one last kiss on her clit and then slides back up her body to kiss her lips. She flops down next to Brittany and smiles at the hazy look on her face. She giggles when Brittany looks at her with a lazy grin.

'That was amazing,' Brittany hums, 'Give me five minutes and I'll return the favor.'

Santana kisses her again, 'You don't have to.'

'Mmmmm,' Brittany sighs, 'I love you.'

'I love you too, Britt-Britt.'

\----------

Santana's still so scared, but Brittany can see her getting braver, can see her walls breaking down.

For the rest of the summer and into the start of senior year, Santana lets her guard down a little.

She starts being more touchy-feely in front of Brittany's family, never doing anything that could be seen as more than friendly, but she curls up next to her on the couch or wraps her arms around her if they're standing in the kitchen.

Once school starts, Santana actually holds her hand in the corridors – not just her pinky, but her whole hand – she says it's because they've always been close and no one would notice, but Brittany knows it's because she's getting more ready to actually come out.

She's almost ready, Brittany knows it the moment she grabs her hand over the table at Breadstix. The moment she asks if they're dating. Because if they're dating officially than she's starting to be okay with the idea of other people knowing.

Then Finn Hudson has to open his mouth and ruin everything.

It scares Santana at first when Finn says those words – that's why she freezes.

But she notices that no one else around her freezes, some of them look back, but none of them actually stop. For a moment she thinks that maybe Britt was right all along and they don't care.

But she quickly realizes that Finn knows, somehow Finn knows, and she never told him. If he could figure it out how many other people figured it out?

But no ones said anything. So maybe they don't care. Maybe they'll let her, and Brittany just be.

Then she gets called into Sue's office and everything comes crumbling down. Because she wasn't ready yet. She was almost ready, but not quite and now she's being outed and everyone will know.

She's silent as she changes into her costume. She knows there are tear streaks on her face; she knows her eyes are red. She can feel everyone's eyes on her, worried.

Brittany comes up and gives her hug and it takes everything in her not to break down. The other girls crowd around – Sugar and Mercedes joining in on the hug.

She wonders if they'll still want to hug her in two days when that commercial airs.

Brittany whispers something to her, but she doesn't hear, just wipes away her tears and stands up straighter. Preparing to go on stage.

Everything's fuzzy as she sings. She can see Finn and Rachel in the front row giggling. She feels everything go red and for the second time in her life, she hits Finn Hudson.

Then she runs, panic bubbling in her throat.

She makes it to the choir room before she starts sobbing, she curls up in the back corner and cries as her throat starts to close up. It feels like the time she accidentally ate a Peanut M&M at Puck's birthday party when they were ten and her throat started swelling shut while she was alone in the bathroom.

This is somehow so much worse, because she knows she's not dying this time, except it feels like she is. Because everyone is going to know. She's going to have to tell her parents and her Abuela and maybe she won't have a home anymore. And maybe Brittany's parents will hate her too and they'll ban her from seeing Brittany and she'll have nowhere to go, and she'll end up alone on the streets where every person who passes her _knows._

She starts to hyperventilate as she spirals.

Then Brittany is next to her, placing a soft hand on her shoulders and pulling her into a hug. She hoists Santana's legs up until she's completely holding her and Santana crumples, failing into the hug and sobbing into Brittany's dress.

Brittany knows she's having a panic attack, even if she's never seen her have one before. She rubs slow circular patterns onto Santana's back and slows her own breathing down, hoping that her proximity to Santana will help regulate her breathing. It helps and she feels Santana relax slightly.

Mercedes, Sugar, Rachel, Kurt, Quinn and Tina all hover in the doorway. Brittany waves them in with her free hand. They sit around them, keeping their distance, Mercedes holds up Santana's bag and uniform and sets them on the ground.

_Thank you, _Brittany mouths.

Mr Schue had told them what happen. Brittany hadn't even registered what he'd said at first – her eyes wandering the room wondering why everyone looked so shocked. Kurt had looked positively distraught, Finn looked confused, Quinn had her hand over her mouth. It was only when Mercedes whispered in her ear that she should go find her that Brittany properly processed his words.

She looked at Finn who was mumbling, 'I didn't mean to.'

She turned on him and for the first time in her life she actually considered seriously harming someone, 'Yes, you did. You knew exactly what you were saying,' Her voice rose, 'You had no right. No _fucking_ right.' Everyone turned to look at her as she swears, 'Do you know how hard she's worked to get where she is now? Do you know how scared she's been? How much she thought everyone would hate her?' He flinched, 'Now you've gone and proved her right.' Her voice lowers back to a whisper.

Then she turned and ran, ignoring the prickling in the back of her eyes.

She holds Santana in her arms until her breathing returns to normal. She still cries quietly but she's not full-blown panicking. They stay there for a while until Santana finally looks up. She looks at Brittany first, who gives her a tiny smile and whispers, 'It's okay.' Then she looks around at the other people in the room. Brittany sees her eyes flare with panic again.

Then Quinn speaks, 'We still love you, Santana, no matter what.'

Santana stares at her, incredulous. The other girls nod in agreement.

'We're here if you need,' Mercedes adds.

Santana smiles softly, 'Thank you.' She wipes her eyes then looks up at Brittany, 'Can you take me home, please?'

Brittany nods and helps Santana to her feet. Mercedes passes her Santana's bag then stands up and gives Santana a hug, all the other's do the same, wrapping their arms tightly around her and whispering messages of support in her ear.

They pull into Santana's driveway. 'The commercial airs tomorrow night,' Brittany says, 'You've got time.'

Santana nods, 'I know. I want to tell mom and dad in one go, rip the Band-Aid off.' She looks sadly at Brittany, 'I'll invite dad over for dinner tomorrow.'

Brittany sighs, 'I want to tell my parents as well,' She pauses, 'But I think I want to do it today.'

Santana nods again, 'You can go do it now. If you'd like.'

'Are you going to be okay by yourself?'

'Yeah.'

It's odd how robotic the conversation seems. There's tension in the air surrounding the secret that's about to get out. Santana's the one that's about to be outed, but Brittany's being forced out of the closet too, even if she always had the door ajar anyways.

They hug awkwardly, then Santana gets out and disappears inside her house. Brittany drives home slowly. She's never really thought about actually coming out to her parents, she always just assumed she would at some point – she never planned ahead. But she has to do it now, has to have a positive reaction; has to ask the question, just in case.

She's grateful when she pulls up and sees her dad's car in the driveway because it means the whole family's home.

She thinks she might be having an out of body experience as she walks into the kitchen and looks at her mom.

'Hey Britt, how was sch -'

'I need to talk to everyone in the living room,' Brittany's voice is calm.

'Sweetheart, is everything alright?' Whitney rounds the counter, looking worried.

Brittany swallow, 'Um, yeah. I just need to talk to everyone.'

She walks to the living room and sits down on the couch; she hears her mother call upstairs for Ashley and her dad. She closes her eyes as they file into the room and sit down, Ashley looking slightly annoyed.

'Umm,' Brittany fidgets nervously, 'I have something to tell you.'

'Are you pregnant?' Ashley asks.

She shakes her head furiously, 'No, it's nothing bad.' She pauses, 'It's just… I like girls and I like boys. I'm bisexual.'

Whitney smiles, 'That's all?' She asks.

She shakes her head again, 'I'm dating Santana.'

'Oh honey,' Whitney pulls her into a tight hug, 'We love you, so much.'

Pierce copies his wife's motions, 'We'll always love you.'

Ashley stares at her for a moment, 'You're dating Santana?'

Brittany nods.

Ashley fake gags, 'That's why you spent so much time in your room together this summer. You're sleeping together.'

Whitney shooshes her, 'Yes, Ash, that's what happens when two people are dating. Now come here and give your sister a hug.'

Ashley complies and Brittany squeezes her tightly before looking up at her mom, 'Mom?'

'Yes.'

She explains what happened with Finn and the commercial, Whitney gasps. Brittany has to ask the question, 'Santana's going to tell her parents tomorrow. She's not sure how they're going to react,' Her voice cracks, 'If they – if they kick her out… Can she stay with us?'

Whitney pulls her further into the hug. 'Of course.'

\----------

Santana asks her mom if they can have her dad over for dinner first thing the next morning.

Maribel frowns but nods and says she'll give him a call.

She's a mess all day. She takes extra meds, but she still can't stop her hands from shaking uncontrollably.

She keeps catching the glee kids giving her sympathetic looks, she rolls her eyes.

She stands her ground even when Figgins calls her into his office and tries to get her suspended; even when Finn blackmails her into coming out officially to the glee club.

Brittany rubs her hands all day and squeezes her shoulders reassuringly.

When Brittany drops her home, she plants a quick kiss on her cheek and tells her she's proud of her no matter what.

She goes upstairs and waits.

She surprises herself and only throws up once before her mom gets home.

She throws up again when the doorbell rings at exactly six pm, signalling her dad's arrival.

She has to rip the Band-Aid off. She walks slowly downstairs.

Her dad smiles at her from the doorway and she smiles back, wondering if that'll be the last time he ever smiles at her. Maribel exits the kitchen and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek before they walk back to the kitchen together. She has to do this.

'Mami, Papi,' She calls out, they turn around – she hasn't called them that since she was ten. 'There's something I need to tell you.' She'd planned to do this over dinner while they were sitting down, but her courage was fading fast and if she didn't just say it now she doesn't think she'll be able to.

'Mija,' Maribel steps forward, 'What's wrong?'

She takes a deep breath, 'Mami, Papi. I'm gay.'

She said it. She waits for them to react, to yell at her and tell her she was a sin and they never wanted to see her again. They don't. The silence stretches out. She looks at their faces trying to gauge a reaction; trying to see what they're thinking. They say nothing.

She tries to explain herself, 'I've known for a while. But I wanted you to hear it from me. There's a commercial airing tonight that says I'm gay. I wanted you to know the truth.'

Her father speaks, 'I know some lawyers.'

Her heart breaks, because this is worse than she thought. They're going to get lawyers to write her out of their lives completely. They hate her so much they want to erase her, to get rid of her.

'Baby,' He keeps talking, 'Who's airing the commercial?'

She's startled by his tone, it's cold but the coldness doesn't seem directed at her, 'Reggie Salazar. He's running against Sue.'

'I'm going to hurt him,' Her father sounds more angry than she's ever heard. She's so focused on his anger - so worried that he's going to hit her – that she almost misses his words.

'What?'

He keeps talking, more to himself than to Santana, 'Does he think it's okay to mess with a kid like that? It can't be legal to out a _teenager_ on television for political gain. I'm going to get a lawyer and I'm going to sue him.'

'What?' Santana says again. She's shocked because her dad is defending her, 'You're not going to kick me out?'

That seems to snap Maribel out of her head. She takes two steps forward and engulfs Santana in a hug, 'Mija, why would we ever kick you out?'

Santana hugs her back, relief flooding her body, 'I don't know… I just thought -'

'We love you. No matter what.' Maribel hugs her tighter.

Santana looks at her dad. He smiles back at her and she feels so free, because she gets to see his smile again.

'Baby, we will always love you.' He hugs her as well.

After a moment, Maribel pulls away, 'Now,' She says, 'It's time for dinner.'

Javier disappears into the kitchen but Santana stays frozen where she stands. She still has a home. She still has parents that love her.

'Mija,' Maribel sticks her head out of the kitchen doorway, 'Is it Brittany?'

'Huh?'

'Is it Brittany? Is she your girlfriend?'

Santana startles, 'Yeah, how did you -'

'Invite her to dinner. We'd like you to meet her,' Maribel smiles.

Santana frowns, 'It's Brittany mom, you've met her a million times before.'

Maribel's smile widens, 'I've never met her as your girlfriend though.'

Santana walks upstairs slowly, smiling to herself; because she still has a home, she still has parents that love her. She picks up her phone and clicks on Brittany's number. It only rings once before Brittany answers.

'Mom says you can come live with us. I can be there in five minutes to pick you up and you never have to see them again, those little homophobic pieces of -'

'Brittany,' Santana giggles, 'My mom would like me to invite my girlfriend to dinner.'

'Huh,' Brittany's line goes quiet, then she squeals. 'They're okay?'

Santana nods, 'They're okay.'

'I'll still be there in five minutes.'

'Uh-huh,' Santana sighs into the phone, 'I love you.'

She can hear Brittany grinning, 'I love you too. And San?'

'Yeah?'

'I'm so proud of you.'

Santana smiles.

\----------

She goes to her Abuela's straight after school.

She knew the outcome wouldn't be good. Her mom told her the outcome wouldn't be good. _Girls don't marry girls._

She goes anyway because Abuela has a right to know. _Girls do marry girls._

She sees tears in Abuela's eyes as she says the words, _I love girls the way I'm supposed to feel about boys._

She tells her that she's tried to push her feelings away – it's true, she spent so long playing the game with Brittany, denying what was happening. She needs it to be over, she needs to back the final pieces away so that she and Brittany can just be themselves. 'I have to just be me.'

She doesn't even really hear what Abuela is saying because she knows it's bad, she knows she's insulting her and cursing her and she can't listen, because if she does she'll repeat the words over and over in her brain for weeks until she starts to believe them. She doesn't hear anything until Abuela asks her to leave.

She tries to protest, but deep down she knows there's no point, Abuela is set in her ways and she's going to stay there even if it means losing her own granddaughter.

She cries into the table. She can feel Abuela glaring at her, so she follows her instructions. She leaves.

Brittany's waiting in the car out the front, ready to either enter and be introduced as her girlfriend, or to comfort Santana when Alma rejects her.

She knows the moment Santana opens the door that it's going to be the second option. Tears cling to Santana's eyelashes and her head is hung low. She opens the car door and gets in. Brittany leans over to wrap her arms around her, to pull her close and never let go. Santana pushes her away.

'Can we drive somewhere else first?' She says quietly, 'I don't want to stay here.'

Brittany nods, but keeps her hand firmly on Santana's thigh as she drives them to a park around the corner. She turns the ignition off and immediately engulfs Santana in a hug.

Santana hugs her back but surprisingly doesn't cry as much as she thought. It hurts, it hurts a lot. But she'd never expected a different outcome, never expected Abuela to welcome her gayness with open arms. She'd hoped that maybe Abuela wouldn't kick her out completely; that she'd just give her disapproving looks every time she saw her, until maybe one day they stopped.

But deep down she'd always known that was wishful thinking; _Girls don't marry girls._

'Britt-Britt?' She mutters into her shoulder.

'Mmm?' Brittany answers.

'We need to prove her wrong,' Santana sits up, 'We need to show her that we shouldn't keep it a secret. We need to be out and proud and do all the amazing things I know we can.' She sighs, 'If she ever wants to see me again, I want to prove that no one can stop me. Stop us.'

Brittany kisses her, hard. 'No one can stop us,' She smiles, 'We're Britt-Britt and San, together forever.'

Santana kisses her back, 'Together forever,' She whispers against her lips.

They're not playing a game anymore. They're just being themselves. 

Just being two girls who will marry girls one day. 

And Santana's okay with that.


	5. call my bluff, call me "babe"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're nineteen the first time they live in together.
> 
> It's something they'd always dreamed of doing earlier when they moved away to college – but life does not always follow an exact plan.
> 
> In fact, when they do move in together, it's not even properly at first – but it's closer than they've ever been before.
> 
> Some people say distance makes the heart grow fonder; this is untrue for them – distance made their heart's sad and anxious and occasionally slightly jealous.
> 
> However, sometimes distance and separation are good; both of them grow as people during their time apart, they learn things about themselves and about the world. They learn how hard things are outside of their safe little bubble.
> 
> The most important thing they learn is that it's always better when they're together.
> 
> This period of learning is of great importance because when they finally live together, they have an appreciation for being apart and will do anything to avoid it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
I hope these chapters don't move too quickly. I'm trying to squeeze a lot of content into not a lot of words, so I hope it's not jumping around too much.  
I wanted to get through the whole break up in one chapter so I can move onto happier things.  
TW's for school shootings and character death.  
I hope you enjoy!  


They're nineteen the first time they live in together.

It's something they'd always dreamed of doing earlier when they moved away to college – but life does not always follow an exact plan.

In fact, when they do move in together, it's not even properly at first – but it's closer than they've ever been before.

Some people say distance makes the heart grow fonder; this is untrue for them – distance made their heart's sad and anxious and occasionally slightly jealous.

However, sometimes distance and separation are good; both of them grow as people during their time apart, they learn things about themselves and about the world. They learn how hard things are outside of their safe little bubble.

The most important thing they learn is that it's always better when they're together.

This period of learning is of great importance because when they finally live together, they have an appreciation for being apart and will do anything to avoid it again.

It begins at the end of senior year, when neither can imagine the damage of distance:

Santana flops face down on her bed, she feels like crying or throwing up. She does neither. She just lies there, head in the pillow and listens to the shuffle of Brittany's feet as she attempts to decide what to do. Santana can feel the nerves oozing off her, so she shifts a bit to let her know that it's okay to sit down.

She feels the bed dip as Brittany crawls up next to her. She feels Brittany's hand hovering over her back, but Brittany doesn't actually touch her, just holds it there waiting for permission.

Santana gives it to her by rolling over and laying her face on Brittany's stomach, wrapping her up. She doesn't want to ever let go, because letting go means leaving and she can't quite imagine the thought of going anywhere without Brittany.

She snuggles closer and says, 'Why didn't you tell me?'

Brittany threads her fingers through Santana's hair, 'You've been so stressed with college and your Abuela. I didn't want to worry you more.'

Santana looks up at Brittany and lets out the smallest sigh, 'Britt.' She whispers, 'You should've told me.'

'I know,' Brittany nods, 'But I couldn't find the right time.'

Santana doesn't say anything else for a while. She holds Brittany close and lets their breathing fall into a pattern – in and out, in and out. Brittany thinks she might have fallen asleep and starts gently lifting her head off her lap to lay it on her pillow, when she speaks, 'I could've helped.'

'I've always been failing, Santana, I don't know if there was anything to do.'

Santana sits up and holds Brittany's gaze, her eyes are dark, 'Why didn't anyone do anything? The school, your parents, anyone?' She huffs, 'They had to notice you were failing? Why didn't Figgins intercept earlier? Or why didn't Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury see and try to help? Shit, why didn't Sue do something?'

She's angry, really angry, but not at Brittany; at the system. Brittany just smiles sadly, 'Because it's Lima. And I'm Brittany.'

There are tears in Santana's eyes now, 'You're so much more than that. You're _Brittany_; you're so funny and beautiful and you're smarter than me,' She throws her fist down onto the bed, 'Stupid standardized testing!'

'It's okay,' Brittany grabs her hand and gently unclenches her fist, massaging her palm.

'No, it's not. They don't see how brilliant you are.'

'Okay, I'll just work harder next year and then they'll see,' Brittany tries to calm her down. It doesn't work.

Santana whips her head up, 'But now we're not going to be together. I'm going to be in Louisville, and instead of you being there with me on a duck farm or dancing, you're going to be here,' A singular tear runs down her face, 'You're going to be here and we can't live together during my second year – we can't get an apartment and argue about what color to paint it, or about how to pack the dishwasher.'

'It'll be an extra year then. But maybe I'll get into Louisville too and then we can be there together, and we'll get an apartment during my second year and your third year.' Brittany reaches over and wipes Santana's tears away, 'We'll manage.'

'But we'll have to do long distance, Britt. That kills relationships.'

Brittany shrugs, 'We're not an ordinary relationship, we're Britt-Britt and San.'

A loud knock on the door interrupts them. 'Girls are you decent?' Maribel calls.

Santana lets a sound that's halfway between a laugh and a scream, 'Yes.'

Maribel opens the door slowly and frowns when she sees the lack of light in the room, she flicks the light switch and squints over at them, 'Brittany it's time to go. No sleepovers on school nights.'

Brittany nods and leans down to kiss Santana, 'Goodnight, I love you.'

Santana smiles back, 'I love you too, sleep well.'

She waits until she hears Brittany's car pull out of the driveway before she lets herself cry properly. Because nothing is going as planned. She's doesn't want to go to Louisville, she doesn't want to be a cheerleader, she wants to be in New York; singing or acting or whatever they'll let her do. She doesn't want to go anywhere without Brittany, she doesn't know what to do without Brittany – they've never really been properly apart since they were six. And what's Brittany going to do at school without Santana?

Her heart aches as she sobs into her pillow. She replays Brittany's words, _we're not an ordinary relationship, we're Britt-Britt and San._ She's not as optimistic as Brittany, but she tries to find the hope in them.

Maybe Louisville will surprise her and she'll actually like cheerleading and her business degree.

Maybe her and Brittany will be fine.

\----------

She hates Louisville. She really really hates it.

It smells weird, like cows even though she knows she's in the city. And she's too scared to drink the water in case she ends up with a strange parasite or something that lurks in there. The food tasks weird – even though her roommate Katie tells her that she's just imagining it.

She hates her business classes, more than she hated any class in high school. They're boring, they drone on and on about location, finances and management – she's sick of it. Plus, one of her professors is a creepy old dude who stares at her chest for way too long and winks at her every time she speaks. She doesn't ever feel like doing the work, even if she needs to keep up her GPA to maintain her scholarship.

She hates cheerleading even more than classes. She'd thought she was going to love finally getting out of the Cheerios uniform and putting on one that made her feel even bigger. It somehow makes her feel smaller than ever. The girls in the squad are nice enough, most of them pointedly ignore her but there are a few girls who she's on friendly terms with. It's the training that makes her feel like pure shit – the coach is somehow meaner than Sue Sylvester and works them twice as long. Santana runs at least twenty laps of the field a day and does so many pushups that she can't even count. The coach forces them to train longer if a girl is late or start early if one has to leave early. It's torture, because between training from six am to 10 am, going to class, training again from 3 pm to 8 pm, eating, sleeping and doing her schoolwork; Santana has no time to herself.

Or more accurately, she has no time to spend with Brittany.

That's the worst part of Louisville, the distance. Because she can't be there for Brittany; she can't hold her; she can't whisper in her ear; she can't dance with her or sing with her. She can't do anything except stare through her webcam sadly.

It's not even like she can go back each weekend. Even without her training schedule, it's three and a half hours away without traffic, but she also has to factor in fuel and the fact that she also needs to do her homework as well as somehow finding hours to work at one of the coffees shops on campus so she can actually afford to each.

It's a big mess, especially when Tina calls her to tell her that Brittany's having a breakdown and they were doing Britney 2.0 to try and help her.

She knows Brittany's struggling just as much with the distance. And it's almost worse for her because nothing else changed; she stayed in Lima, she's still going to high school, she's still a Cheerio. The only thing that changed for her is that Santana isn't with her doing it beside her, at least Santana feels like there's been a big change.

Brittany Skypes her later that week and she watches it ring out. She doesn't want to ignore Brittany, but it hurts too much to see her upset or angry and not be there to do something about it. She feels so useless, she's being a terrible girlfriend – she moved away, left Brittany alone to do something she doesn't even want to do.

Her phone dings beside her. She picks it up and stares at the message from Brittany;

_I miss you xx_

She doesn't reply because it hurts too much.

She cries herself to sleep that night. She feels guilty, so so guilty. Her stomach churns and she feels the familiar throbs of anxiety begin deep within her. Katie asks if she's okay, but she just shrugs her off and keeps sobbing into the pillow until sleep finally takes over.

The next morning Katie shakes her awake for practice, but she says she's sick and won't go today. Katie leaves her alone.

She's never felt so empty before, even in freshmen year when she thought emptiness was the only thing she could feel. She knows now that's not true, because the emptiness is taking over again and it's so much worse now that Brittany isn't filling the spaces.

Brittany's texted her _Good morning_ with a little love heart.

She sends a heart back, but it makes her feel worse. It's not what Brittany needed to hear, it's not what she needed to say. But it's all she can manage because she feels like she'll start crying again if she says anything else.

She just wants to be with Brittany.

She knows she can't wallow around in bed all day, if she does, she'll forget to eat or shower or do schoolwork, and then tomorrow will be just as hard. She knows herself; she knows her patterns.

She forces herself out of bed and grabs a change of clothes and her towel before heading down the hallway to the showers. She hates communal bathrooms. Louisville is conservative enough to separate boys and girls, so at least there are no weird guys trying to sneak a look at her boobs. The main issue is that Louisville is conservative enough that many of the girls don't want a _lesbian_ showering next to them – as if Santana was going to peek under the stalls to stare. So, most of the girls in there throw dirty looks her way as she enters.

She glares right back. It still hurts to be rejected by random people every day – it hurts even more when she doesn't have Brittany by her side to back her up.

She showers and then grabs a packet of crisps from the vending machine. She's planning on eating in her room while she studies at her desk, but when she gets back, Katie has returned from training and has a group of girls with her. They lounge around on Katie's bed and the floor.

'Feeling better?' Katie asks.

'A bit, I'm gonna go for a walk, see if it helps,' Santana shrugs, smiling awkwardly at the girls. They all nod back. Santana grabs her bag and her phone and heads out the door, trying to ignore the muttering that begins as the door swings shut.

She wasn't really planning on going anywhere, but somehow, she ends up in the library. She supposes it's a good thing, as she browses for a book she needs for a class; because at least she is getting schoolwork done instead of wallowing in guilt.

She dumps her bag next to a table and sits down, putting the book on the table in front of her and opening it to a random page, she doesn't really want to pay attention to what she's reading but it's better than nothing and makes her feel like she's at least making an effort.

She's been there for a least an hour, reading aimlessly over notes for her marketing class, when she feels eyes on her back. At first, she doesn't move, she keeps reading and tries to ignore the piercing gaze.

Most people in Louisville haven't seen the commercial, but there's a few that have – one girl on the cheerleading team came up to her in the change-room after their first practice and asked if she used to be a Cheerio, when Santana said yes she brought the commercial up in front of everyone commending her on overcoming the adversity. Santana had tried to be calm and thank the girl, but it had felt like being outed all over again, surrounded by people all staring at her. She tried not to be offended when she noticed a lot of the girls trying to pull their shirts back on hastily while never taking their eyes off her.

The gaze stays on her back and after a few minutes, Santana finally turns around, ready to go all Lima Heights on the creep. But her eyes don't land on a weird boy, or a girl glaring at her. They land on a girl a sitting on the couch in the corner, but she doesn't look angry or disgusted; she's smirking – like a _'wow you're hot'_ kinda smirk. Her eyes rake up and down Santana's body.

She's definitely seen the commercial.

Santana doesn't quite know what to do when the girl is staring so brazenly at her; very obviously attracted to her. She gives her a tiny smile and then turns back to her reading. But she can still feel the girl's eyes fixed on her back. She turns and smiles again. The girl winks at her.

Santana feels sick. She stands up, leaving the book where it is and walks quickly out of the library. _Oh my god_, that girl had been flirting with her. Properly flirting with her. And Santana had flirted back.

Not intentionally. But she had.

She needs to call Brittany, to apologize – had she just cheated on her without even realizing? She pulls out her phone to dial Brittany's number before she realizes that Brittany will be in class. She puts the phone away and crumples on the nearest bench, trying to regulate her breathing and stop herself from crying.

She has a four-day weekend the next week, so she drives home on the Friday night. She doesn't even care that Brittany will be at school on the Monday and Tuesday, she just needs some regularity back in her life.

She just needs to see Brittany again.

Brittany's car is out the front of her house when she pulls up.

Brittany runs out the front door when she starts walking up the driveway.

Brittany pulls her into a tight hug.

Santana hugs her back, feeling happy for the first time in weeks. She sinks into the hug and breathes in deeply – she smells like strawberry lip smackers, vanilla body spray and something that is so distinctly Brittany it makes Santana's head spin. She's not even inside her house yet and she already feels like she's home.

Her heart breaks again because she doesn't want to leave, doesn't know if she'll be able to leave knowing that Brittany is so happy to see her; Brittany is so optimistic about their relationship, even though Santana is letting it crumble to pieces.

\----------

Brittany knows what's happening the moment Santana calls her into the choir room.

Santana thinks she's the only one who's been pulling away, but Brittany has too. She hasn't called as much as she should; hasn't sent encouraging messages through the day; hasn't asked Santana if she's okay more than once when she knows she isn't – she knows Santana hates Louisville.

Brittany hates Louisville too, for taking Santana away from her.

She doesn't want to cry in front of Santana, but she knows Santana is right – this isn't working. It's not working because they're both breaking down while separated. They don't know how to function without one another – they've never had to.

Brittany can't really remember a time before Santana was at her side. Sure, there are snippets of memories – sitting on her grandpa's lap, running along the beach in summer, playing with her cousins in the backyard. Even her memories of her accident which used to plague her so much – the sound of crunching metal, pain shooting up her spine, her mom screaming her name – has faded slightly, she still remembers but it's foggy around the edges like she's looking through a distorted lens. The first thing she can remember in perfect clarity is Santana coming up to her at recess on the first day of school and asking her what she was painting. It was so simple, but it defined their lives for the next twelve years.

Brittany doesn't know what the definition of her life is without Santana. They've been _BrittanyandSantana, SantanaandBrittany_ for so long she doesn't really know who she is without Santana by her side.

As much as she knows their breakup is for the best. She's terrified because she's never had to live in a Santana-less world before.

She thinks the song Santana sings is perfect and terrible all at once. It's perfect because Santana is the best thing that's ever been _hers_; she understands Brittany so perfectly and Brittany understands her – they just fit. It's terrible because why would Santana say those words right before they separate; it makes sense, Santana affirming that it's hurting her too, but Brittany kind of wants to scream that they're both giving up on the most perfect thing that's ever existed.

Santana says it's not an official breakup, but they both know it's not true. They both know this is the end – high school doesn't last forever, even if Brittany keeps repeating her senior year, she'll still grow up, and growing up means things change.

It was wonderful; it was beautiful; it was glorious and fun and happy and sunshine and rainbows even when it was pouring with rain. But Brittany knows that as happy as they make one another, they need to grow up, even if growing up means pulling apart.

Santana kisses her. _A last kiss_, Brittany think and pulls her into a tight hug. 'I love you, too.' She whispers into Santana's shoulder as tears slide down her face. She needs Santana to know it, to know that she'll never love anyone the way she loves Santana.

Santana pulls away and gives her a small smile. She doesn't look back as she walks out of the room, leaving Brittany feeling small an alone in the back row.

_Sophomore year I used to sit in this back row and secretly watch you._

The back row never felt so empty when Santana was sitting with her. She remembers what it felt like to have Santana's eyes on her, she could feel them even when Santana was trying to hide the fact she was looking.

She used to watch Santana too. She was always in love with Santana, she knows that; she never even had to admit it to herself, she always knew. She never had the struggle Santana did – but those moments in sophomore year were the only times she struggled to. She'd look at Santana and think about their game and wonder if Santana got the same thrill from it that she did – wonder if Santana waited all week just for the chance to be close to her.

In that back row, she'd seen the way Santana looked at her when she thought she wasn't watching.

She'd seen the way Santana's face lit up when she smiled at her and known she felt the same.

That back row was the reason she kept pushing, the reason she'd forced Santana to face her feelings. Because she'd know there were feelings, no matter how deep Santana pushed them down.

She pulls out her phone and sends a text to Santana:

_You're still my best friend._

It's not a question, it's a fact, something she needs Santana to know. She might be losing one part of Santana, but she can't lose her best friend too.

It takes a few minutes but Santana replies:

_You're still my best friend, Britt.'_

It's short and simple, but it's all Brittany needs to hear.

\----------

It's really weird when she goes back to Louisville because Brittany's still in her schedule even though she's not in her schedule in the same way.

The schedule changes from 'study sessions' with Brittany in the hours she knows Katie won't be around, to just chats with Brittany whenever they can fit it in.

She's sad about their breakup, really sad – like cries herself to sleep most nights sad. But it also feels like there's a weight that's been lifted off her shoulders because the obligation to be anything more than an ear to listen to Brittany's day or smile at her jokes is gone.

She doesn't have to be Santana, Brittany's girlfriend, she just needs to be Santana, Brittany's best friend. It's not as nice, but she worries less about making sure everything she does is right that she's being perfect, and starts to spend more time just being Santana.

They don't talk about quite as much. It's not as personal, there's no good morning or good night texts, there's no discussions about feelings or any of that sappy stuff.

Santana feels very strange about the whole thing, because she'd gotten so used to Brittany being her girlfriend that she still gets guilty if she tries to flirt with a girl at a bar or if a girl winks at her on the bus. She still censors herself around Brittany, not telling her these things because she doesn't want to make Brittany think about it – even if Brittany said it was okay when she went back to do _Grease_.

She barely notices her grades slipping until her head coach calls her into his office one day after evening practice. He beckons her to sit down in the chair in front of his desk.

'Santana,' He says sternly, 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're on the verge of losing your scholarship.'

Santana flinches, because _shit_ she hadn't even been paying proper attention to her grades.

He sighs deeply and leans forward on the desk, 'Look, Santana. You're a great athlete, one of the best I've had on this squad for a long time,' He frowns, 'You have a lot of potential, but your heart needs to be in it.'

Santana feels her heart sink, because she knows she'll never truly be investing in what she's doing. 'Sorry, Sir, I just recently broke up with my girlfriend,' She stops for a moment to gauge his reaction. When he doesn't immediately pull a face, she continues, 'My head isn't in the right place. I'll try harder.'

He shakes his head, 'It's not just that. Santana, you don't want to be here,' He sends her a smile which looks more like a grimace, 'You need to be doing what you want.'

Santana frowns, 'You want me to drop out?'

He nods softly, 'You don't have to of course. It'll be a shame to lose your talent. But take it from someone who spent too long stuck in a place I didn't want to be – follow your dreams.'

'I don't know what my dreams are.'

'Well, maybe you need some time to figure it out, but you don't ever need to do what people expect you to do.'

Santana goes to the student offices first thing the next morning and drops all her courses. It feels freeing and her first instinct is to call Brittany and tell her because Brittany will support her no matter what. Then she remembers they're not dating anymore and she can't just call her up to tell her stuff like this – they don't do feelings anymore.

One of the girls from her squad has a couch she can sleep on until she sorts her stuff out. She picks up extra shifts at the coffee shop and spends as little time in the apartment as possible. She feels bad taking up the girl's space, so she cleans when she can and spends the small amount of money she earns buying food to cook them meals.

This carries on for a few weeks – Santana starts ignoring Brittany's video calls again, because Brittany will see that she's not in her dorm and ask too many questions. She sticks to text messages and phone calls only.

Brittany seems more distant than before, it's coming up to Christmas break and Santana can tell Brittany isn't as excited for the holiday season as she usually is. Normally by the start of December, Brittany is practically bouncing off the walls ready to spend time with her family and give and receive gifts. She can sense that Brittany's usual enthusiasm has worn off. She tries to question her about it, but Brittany dismisses it, telling her she's being called for dinner and has to go. It's 4 pm and Santana knows Whitney wouldn't have even started cooking yet, but she lets her go anyway.

She tells her parents she's staying at school over Christmas because they have extra cheer rehearsals. They're disappointed but say they understand and tell her it's okay, they saw her at Thanksgiving – she promises she'll come down a week after New Years for the last few days before school starts again. She could technically stay the whole break, but she chooses those days specifically because she knows those are the days when Brittany will be back at school and there's less chance she'll run into her.

She doesn't know why she wants to avoid Brittany, but she does.

Then her whole plan gets thrown out the window when the girl she's staying with tells her she's going home for Christmas and doesn't want to leave Santana alone in the apartment. She freaks out at first because she's already told her parents she's not coming home, but then she remembers Rachel's offer to visit whenever she likes.

As much as she says she hates Berry, she wants to be around something familiar, so she books a train ticket to New York with the money her mom gave her.

It's nice in the city at Christmas, nicer than she'd expected. There's a magic in the air that she'd never felt before, even when Brittany said she could in Lima. The magic remains even when Rachel and Kurt get robbed and she drinks so much she thinks her brain's going to explode.

She starts thinking about how nice it is, how she felt the most comfortable she has since she left for Louisville. It's really good to be back with people from high school, even if they aren't the one person she really wants to be with. It's comforting to know that even though everything's changing, Berry is still as annoying as ever and Kurt is still as fabulously out and proud as he is.

She goes back to Louisville with a clearer idea of what she wants her life to be.

Then she gets two calls.

The first is from Tina. She only answers it because she's never called before and Santana assumes that means something's wrong. Technically nothing is wrong, but everything's wrong at the same time. Brittany's dating Sam, _Brittany's dating Sam._

She's not angry; she told Brittany she was free to date; Sam might not be her first choice but he's not a bad one either. He's nice, and for the brief period of time Santana was dating him, he treated her right even though she made lip jokes constantly.

She's just hurt because Brittany didn't tell her.

_You didn't tell her you dropped out_, the nagging voice in her head says in response. She supposes it's valid.

The second call is from Finn, asking if she'll come in and perform for the glee club. She wants to say no because that destroys her plan to avoid Brittany at all costs, she agrees, but only if she can bring some people with her.

She calls Katie and asks if she wants to come to Lima. Then she calls Elaine, the overly supportive girl who unintentionally outed her in front of the whole squad. She explains the situation and asks if she wants to come to Lima – then she remembers Brittany and panic, asking Elaine if she'll pretend to be her girlfriend. Elaine laughs for a few moments then says yes, but only once – she doesn't want to be a rebound.

Santana sees the disappointed look on Brittany's face when she kisses Elaine in front of her and it sends a jolt of pride through her, because maybe Brittany still wants her. She feels guilty for thinking that, she truly does want Brittany to be happy, even if she's happy with Sam.

She's mean to Sam mostly because she wants to make sure he's good to Brittany. She sees the way he fights back against her and knows he's good enough – knows he'll give Brittany all the love and support she can't.

Her empty feeling is back because Brittany is moving on and no matter how hard she tries she can't seem to. She can't fight the force that is pulling her back. She sees Brittany and her brain starts screaming again because this is where she belongs.

She needs to find a purpose, or she'll start losing control again.

Of course, it's Brittany who manages to break down her walls.

Because when she finds Brittany alone in the auditorium, she says what she knows she needs to and tells her she's happy for her and Sam.

Brittany smiles back, and it's still her Santana smile – the one that has always been reserved just for her. It's a smile that holds everything Santana needs to know; it's filled with joy and hope; sadness and despair, but it's also filled with promises that everything is going to be okay.

She kisses Brittany again before she leaves. It's a different kind of kiss, unlike anything they've experienced before. It's not romantic; it doesn't leave Santana wanting more; it's not even a reassuring kiss. It just says _I'm here_.

It's exactly what both of them needed. The comfort of one another, to know they were okay no matter what their relationship status.

The kiss is confirmation that Brittany is right – Brittany's always been right.

So, like Brittany suggested, Santana packs her bags and books a train ticket to New York.

She's going to follow her dreams, even if she doesn't know what those dreams are yet.

\----------

Brittany's about to push the bathroom door open when she hears the first gunshot.

She's never heard an actual gunshot before, but somehow, she just knows what it is. There's lots of other sounds that it could be - a car backfiring, a firework going off – but inside a high school in Lima, Ohio, there's nothing else that could make that noise.

Brittany freezes, hand reaching up to grab the door handle. Panic roots her to the spot and she can't think about what to do.

Then the gun goes off again.

She hears screams from outside and suddenly realizes how close the noise was.

There's running and scuffling, but Brittany doesn't move.

Then the door opens, and she jumps back, preparing to see the muzzle of a gun which will kill her. Instead, it's just two scared students who jump when they see her as well, the girl lets out a small scream.

It's knowing that she's not alone that propels Brittany to move, she gestures to the stalls, 'Get inside, lock the door and stand on the seat,' She whispers.

They do what she says, slipping into the stalls on the left and right. She checks if there's a lock on the main bathroom door and turns it quickly, there's nothing to push up against it so it won't hold – but it's better than nothing. She locks the door of the middle stall and stands on the toilet, bracing her hands on either wall so she doesn't topple over.

There's silence, utter, absolute silence, broken only by the steady _drip, drip_ of the tap which Brittany mustn't have turned off properly. She wishes she had, because she doesn't think she will be able to stand it if that's the last noise she ever hears.

Tears start to trickle down her cheek and she doesn't even know why. Because up until that point she hadn't really felt scared; just numb. But as she starts crying waves of fear start crashing over her again and again.

She should be thinking happy thoughts; remembering good times; trying to be happy. But she can't, her mind just keeps going over all the things she still needs to do.

She needs to see her mom and dad – she needs to tell them she loves them and that she's so proud they're her parents, and even though they're quirky they're absolutely perfect and she couldn't think of anyone else who she would've wanted to raise her.

She needs to see Ashley – needs to wrap her up in a hug and tell her she's the best sister she ever could have hoped for, even if she did inherit Santana's snarky comments. She needs to tell her she's going to grow up to be an amazing person because she's so smart, smarter than Brittany even hoped she would be.

She needs to see Sam – needs to tell him he's wonderful and kind and caring. Needs him to know that he's been so nice to her, even when others were mean, needs to tell him that Santana likes him, actually likes him despite the fact she pretends she doesn't.

She needs to see the rest of the glee club – she needs to thank them for giving her a place to grow, a place where she turned from a shy sophomore who was self-conscious of her brain, to an outspoken person who wasn't afraid to date her best friend and speak her mind when she needed to.

Most of all, she finds, she thinks off all the things she needs to say to Santana.

She replays their last conversation in her head – it had been the previous Saturday, and Santana was on break at her shift at the _Cayote Ugly_ bar, she'd called Brittany who had texted her earlier to tell her about Tubbington-Bopp and to warn her that the world was going to end. She could hear Santana smiling into the receiver.

'_Is the world really going to end, Britt?' _She'd asked softly, Brittany heard people yelling in the background, but Santana hadn't raised her voice.

'_I think so, the meteor is close.'_ Brittany had nodded even though Santana couldn't see her.

'_Well, I guess we're going to die then.'_

'_I guess.'_

'_How are you going to spend your last days on Earth?' _Santana's voice had been laced with sadness.

'_I'm making up with Lord Tubbington.'_ Brittany replied.

'_Oh.'_

'_What about you?'_

'_I don't know… I guess I'll just wait for the world to end.'_ Her voice was even quieter, _'Anyways Britt, I have to go. I'll talk to you soon.'_

Brittany hadn't had the heart to remind her that the world was ending, and they wouldn't talk soon.

Now, as she stands, crying alone in a toilet stall, she wishes she had. Maybe then Santana would have told her she loved her, and everything would have seemed normal.

She needs to see Santana one more time – needs to tell her she loves her one more time; tell her she's sorry for not fighting for them; she's sorry for not noticing when Santana was struggling freshmen year; she's sorry for always pushing her; she's sorry for not being smart enough and holding them both back.

She's sobbing properly now, fat tears rolling down her face, she reaches one hand over her mouth to stop any noise escaping.

All she wants is for Santana to tell her it's going to be okay.

She hears the door unlock and knows that it's the moment. She's going to die.

'Brittany?' It's Mr Schue.

She's okay. She's going to be okay.

The S.W.A.T team lets them out of the choir room half an hour later. They file down the hallway in complete silence. There's a crowd waiting when they get outside, worried parents searching for children.

_No casualties,_ she hears people mutter.

She finds her parents and Ashley hovering at the back of the crowd. It's clear that Pierce left work early to be here and picked Ashley up on the way, Whitney looks as though she ran the whole way from their house – Brittany wouldn't be surprised if she had.

Ashley sees her first and runs to her, dodging people. Brittany scoops her up and holds her close to her chest. Whitney and Pierce run over as well and engulf her in a group hug, Whitney's crying and Brittany's eyes start to prickle with tears again.

They stay there whispering, _I love you, I love you, I love you_, over and over until they're told to leave.

When Brittany gets to her bedroom, she knows what she has to do.

She calls Santana.

Santana answers after the third ring, _'Hello?'_

She clearly didn't look at who was calling before she answered, 'Hey, it's me,' Brittany says quietly.

'_Oh.' _Santana breathes into the phone, _'What's up?'_

'There was a shooting at school today.'

The line is silent for so long Brittany thinks she might have lost service. She's about to check when Santana speaks up, her voice thick, _'Brittany, are you okay?'_

Brittany's crying again, 'Umm yeah. No one was hurt. There were just two shots – they think it was a student carrying one that went off by accident… Umm,' She pauses to blow her nose, 'It was so scary though.'

She can hear Santana crying now, _'Are you okay mentally, though?'_

'Umm,' Brittany's voice is barely above a whisper, 'I was in the bathroom, I locked myself in the stall.'

'_Shit.'_

'I was alone, and I couldn't stop thinking.'

Santana's voice breaks, _'Britt -'_

'I want you to know that I love you,' Brittany breathes, 'I know we're not dating anymore, but you're still my best friend and I love you -' Her voice shakes, '- so much.'

'_I love you too, Britt-Britt.'_

Brittany keeps going; because she's started now and she doesn't want to stop, 'I also want you to know I'm sorry – sorry for not noticing when you were struggling in freshmen year, I think about it a lot and maybe things wouldn't have been as bad if I was there helping you through it all -'

'_It's okay, Britt. I'm fine now.'_

'- And I'm sorry for not being smart enough to go with you to Louisville -'

Santana lets out a choked sob, _'You are smart, you hear me. You're still the smartest person I've ever met.'_

'Santana,' Brittany decides to tell her the one thing she's never told anyone, 'Sometimes I think about my accident, when I was a kid, and I wonder if I hit my head and no one noticed, or no one told me. Because I don't remember ever being confused before then. Because maybe that would explain why I'm…' She lets her voice trail off, not wanting to say the word Santana hates even more than her.

'_Brittany S. Pierce,' _Santana's voice is still quiet but much firmer, _'Even if it is true. You are not stupid. Okay, you're everything that's good in the world. Brittany -'_ She pauses for a second, _'- I'm pretty sure I would be dead if you weren't my friend.'_

It's not what Brittany had expected to hear, she'd thought Santana would try to console her more – usually, she'd never stop until Brittany knew she's was fine as long as Santana believed in her. 'What?'

Santana takes a deep breath, _'When I realized I was gay, you were the only reason I was okay. You kept me from spiralling out of control – I knew as long as I had you, I would be okay.'_

Brittany realizes what Santana is saying. Her heart jolts, 'You mean?'

'_Yeah.'_ Santana breathes.

'Oh,' Brittany tries to process this information. 'Santana?'

'_Yeah?'_

'I'm sorry I didn't fight for us more.'

'_I'm sorry I didn't fight for us either.'_

The silence stretches out until all they can hear is each other's breathing, slow, steady and in sync.

Brittany stays next to the phone until she falls asleep.

\----------

The next day Brittany gets a call from MIT. They want her to come in for an interview about her SAT results.

She goes because she can't stand to be in Lima anymore. She finally understands why people like Rachel Berry were so desperate to get out.

Lima is filled with too many memories.

Maybe at MIT, she'll finally be able to move on.

Maybe she'll finally solve the equation on how to get Santana back.

\----------

As it turns out, MIT makes everything worse.

She's closer to Santana than she has been since Santana moved to New York, but somehow, she's so much further away.

They move her into a private dorm room and ensure she has plenty of space – they cater to her every need, making sure she has the rights snacks, the right brand of crayons, even a cat tree in her room for Lord Tubbington.

The one thing they don't give her is time for herself.

From the moment she steps foot on campus it's work time.

She has her own research room – we'll they call it a research room, to her, it looks more her own personal testing laboratory.

She's in that room from 8 am to 3 pm every day as they test the limits of the brain:

'_Brittany what's six hundred and sixty-one million, two hundred and sixty-five thousand, six hundred and sixteen divided by twenty-one million, two hundred and eighty-nine thousand, four hundred and sixty-four?_

'_Ummm… twenty-five… and a bit.'_

'_What's the bit, Brittany?'_

'_I don't know… point one five three two five five nine?'_

'_Congratulations Brittany!'_

She felt like an experiment, like when they dissected frogs in sophomore year to see how they worked. Brittany felt like that, except she was a live frog and she was getting her brain squished out like the poor frog that Puck had had.

Then in the afternoons she was left alone in a tiny room with the Riemann Hypothesis and asked to work on solving it. It was utterly pointless because she worked for hours each day and felt like she was getting nowhere.

However, the lead scientists informed her that she was getting further than anyone had since the formation of the hypothesis in 1859 - so she was told to keep working.

She'd leave the laboratory by 8 pm, grab something to eat and then head up to her room where she would be greeted by a stack of paperwork that they wanted her to read over – it was filled with questions from mathematics students, smaller formulas to solve and scientific papers on the Riemann Hypothesis.

She normally fell asleep with her head in the papers.

The only period of time she really ha to herself was in the mornings before she had to go back to the labs.

Despite the exhaustion that constantly clung to her, she forced herself to wake up at 6:30 every day. This gave her a bit of time to call her mom, scroll through Facebook and check the comments on Fondue for Two.

It was one of those mornings when she was scrolling through Facebook, just after getting off the phone with her parents and Ashley, when she sees it. It's not even on Santana's page; it's a photo Kurt had posted of him and Rachel in their living room – but Brittany notices straight away.

She thinks she has a special instinct because she can spot Santana, even when Santana is a tiny blur in the background of a photo. A tiny blur with her arms wrapped around another tiny blur, with her lips pressed to the cheek of another tiny blur.

She's happy for Santana, she really is. She wants Santana to be happy and to have a wonderful life.

It hurts a lot that Santana didn't tell her.

Then that night as she's struggling her way through a badly written student report on Planck's Constant, she has the TV on in the background. She's not paying attention until a familiar voice makes her look up suddenly.

Santana's on TV, Santana's on her TV. In a crappy ad about yeast medication – but she's still on TV. Brittany grins and reaches for her phone to call Santana.

Santana doesn't answer.

It hits Brittany all of a sudden that she's stuck at MIT, doing work that she hates, while the rest of the world is still moving around her.

Santana is moving on; she's living her life; she has a girlfriend; she got a TV job.

She's leaving Brittany behind.

Brittany stops checking Facebook in the mornings.

Then a week later she gets a call from Santana in the middle of the night.

'_Finn's dead,' _Santana's voice echoes through the line the moment Brittany picks up.

'What?'

Santana takes a shaky breath, _'Finn, he died. Aneurysm or something, they didn't catch it until it was too late.'_

Brittany doesn't know what to say. She's shocked. Everyone from high school; she'd never expected any of them to die. Tears are streaming down her face, 'How's Rachel?' She asks.

'_A mess.'_

'How are you?' Brittany knows Santana never really liked Finn, not after how he outed her.

'_Honestly,' _Santana whispers, _'I'm a mess too. He was an idiot and he didn't think before he spoke, but -'_ Her voice breaks, _'He was a good person. A really good person, even good people make mistakes.'_ She sighs, _'I never got a chance to tell him that I forgave him…'_

Brittany can hear Santana sobbing and she wants nothing more than to wrap her arms around her and tell her it'll be okay. 'He knew, Santana,' She says quietly, 'He knew.'

'_Yeah,'_ Santana sniffles, and Brittany hears her wipe her eyes, _'Anyway, the funeral is for family only. But they're doing a glee farewell next week. I wanted to let you know, in case you wanted to come.'_

Brittany starts to cry more, because she's fairly certain MIT won't let her go. 'I'll ask,' She replies, 'I'm not sure if they'll let me though.'

'_Brittany,'_ Santana says so quietly Brittany almost misses it, _'I love you.'_

'I love you, too.'

MIT doesn't let her go to Lima for Finn's memorial. They say they're not obliged to give her time off since it's not an official funeral.

Brittany sobs into her pillow at the thought of Santana having to go through it alone.

When she gets the call that glee club has been cancelled and they're having a last hurrah, she knows she needs to go. She can't miss this too, because she cares so much, and she doesn't want it to seem like she doesn't.

It takes a lot of convincing, but after some reminders to the MIT team that they hadn't given her spring break off and had forced her to work the whole time, she's allowed to go for a singular week.

The first thing she does when she gets back to Lima is see her parents and Ashley.

The second thing she does when she gets back to Lima is find Santana.

She knocks on Santana's front door – she's not sure if Santana is home yet, her car is there, but she wouldn't have taken her car to New York with her.

The door swings open and Santana is staring back at her. Brittany feels herself relax involuntarily, all of the stress and tension from MIT disappears, because it's just her and Santana, together for the first time in months.

Santana pulls her into a hug and Brittany squeezes back as hard as she can. Santana's hair tickles the back of her neck, but she doesn't even care because she's with Santana.

She becomes very aware of herself at that moment. She hasn't felt this comfortable in months; she hadn't even felt this comfortable sitting in her bedroom that morning.

It hits her with a jolt that she doesn't care where she is or what she's doing, as long as Santana is by her side.

She still loves Santana. Not loves her – she never stopped doing that, but she's still _in love_ with Santana. She loves her more than anything else. More than she ever loved Sam or Artie; more than she loves Lord Tubbington and rainbows. She loves Santana with every piece of herself and she doesn't know what she'll do without her.

It hits her, later that day when Santana forces her to do a dance number, even though Brittany hasn't danced in months and feels like she can't anymore, that Santana can read her perfectly. Santana knew she wasn't happy, even though she never said it out loud. Santana still knows her better than anyone else.

She has to tell her, she decides, because if she doesn't, she's lost another chance to fight for Santana.

They're eating churros in the choir room and she doesn't think, she just kisses her. It's so instinctual, their lips fit so perfectly, so naturally. It feels so right.

She tells Santana how she feels; tells her that they're perfect and they need to be together; tells her that what they had was special – more special than anything else.

Santana doesn't answer, but later that afternoon Brittany gets a text from her:

_Dani and I broke up._

It's not an answer to what Brittany had asked her. But it's an indication that Santana felt the same way, Santana was willing to try.

She goes online and finds the only store in Ohio that will deliver large quantities of lilies the next day. It's in Columbus, but she pays extra for the delivery.

She searches for the perfect place to go. She's trying to find one that has something to do with them – she supposes most couples have talked about their dream holiday destinations, they haven't; they've always assumed they'll be happy wherever they're together.

They assumed correctly.

When she sees the word _Lesbos _as she spinning Google Earth trying to find somewhere, she knows that's where they have to go. She does some research and finds that the word 'lesbian' actually originated from the island. She doesn't even think, just books two tickets.

Then she picks up the phone and calls MIT to tell them she's not coming back. She doesn't wait for their response, just hangs up.

She feels lighter than she has in months.

When Santana gives hands her her graduation gown, she feels like she could do anything.

Santana kisses her in the bathroom.

Brittany feels safe, so so safe; and happy; and warm.

Everything is back to the way it should be.

\----------

Lesbos and Hawaii are exactly how Santana imagined them; perfect.

It's not even the beaches or the cities.

It's not the food or the relaxation.

It's not even that the legal drinking age in Greece is 18, so they can legally get drunk.

It's perfect because Brittany is next to her the whole time.

She loves seeing the way Brittany's face lights up when they get off the plane and she sees the beach.

She loves seeing the way Brittany jumps up and down when they see a pride flag on top of a building in Lesbos.

She loves seeing the way Brittany smiles at her when she holds her hand as they walk through the streets.

She loves the way Brittany kisses her cheek in photos when they ask a passerby to take them.

She loves Brittany.

It's their third week in Hawaii when she wakes up and Brittany's not there.

It takes her a while to notice. She's wrapped up in the sheets, soft and warm – the sun streaming in through the windows and the waves lapping at the shore in the distance slowly lull her from sleep.

She snuggles further into the blankets and reaches out to pull Brittany towards her. Her arm meets empty sheets. She rubs her eyes slowly and sits up, looking around the room for Brittany. There's no sign of her.

Santana pulls herself out of bed and wraps the sheet around herself, heading to the bathroom. 'Britt?' She calls out.

There's no answer.

She turns around, slightly confused as to where Brittany could be. Their hotel offered a buffet breakfast, so it was possible Brittany had already gone, but she usually waited for Santana to wake up before she left.

Santana's just about to panic when she sees a piece of paper folded on the nightstand. She unfolds it and smiles when she sees it's signed by Brittany:

_San,_

_I'll be back soon with a surprise._

_Love,_

_Brittany._

She lets out a tiny huff as her _Brittany jolt_ goes through her at the sight of the word 'love'.

She understands now that the jolt is actually her feelings for Brittany, her love and affect and need to be close to her. It's everything she feels when it's just them alone cuddling or kissing, or more, wrapped up in one emotion that she feels deep within her.

She gets dressed slowly, pulling on a red bikini and then slipping a white summer dress over the top. She runs a brush through her hair, trying to tame the morning curls, but she quickly gives up and lets them fall freely over her shoulders. It's just Brittany, Santana doesn't care about anything when she's around Brittany.

She hears the door to their room open and turns around to see Brittany grinning at her, she walks forward and places a soft kiss on Santana's lips, 'You,' She kisses her again, 'Look beautiful.'

Santana smiles slightly and wraps her arms around Brittany, pulling her closer, 'Not as beautiful as you,' She whispers.

Brittany hums into her hair, 'Agree to disagree.'

Santana steps back, but keeps her arms on Brittany's shoulders, 'So, what's the surprise.'

Brittany's face stretches into a wide grin, 'I,' She reaches into the pockets of her shorts, 'Got us a private beach for the day,' She pulls out a piece of paper which she unfolds to reveal booking information.

'A whole beach?'

Brittany kisses her nose, 'It's a little beach, but it'll just be us.'

Santana kisses her hard, 'That sounds amazing.'

Brittany tugs her hand, 'Come on, they have a car ready to take us. They even packed a picnic for us,' She winks at Santana, 'No peanuts, I checked.'

Santana kisses her again, 'How are you so perfect?'

Brittany smiles against her lips, 'I could ask you the same question.'

It's a half-an-hour drive to the beach. Brittany keeps her arms around Santana the whole way, pressing gentle kisses into her neck while smiling up at her. Santana smiles back down at her and trails her fingers up and down Brittany's arm.

The beach is hidden by trees, a tiny patch of sand surrounded by tall trees that obscure it from view, both from the road and from anyone else that may be around. The driver passes them their picnic basket and tells them he'll be back at 4 pm to take them back to the hotel.

Santana lays out the picnic blanket while Brittany puts sunscreen on.

'San?' She asks, 'Can you get my back please?'

Santana reaches over for the bottle and slowly rubs it all over Brittany's back, she hums in approval as Santana presses down firmly.

'Do you want to lie down?' Santana suggests, 'I can give you a massage?'

Brittany shakes her head and turns back around to face Santana, 'Later, we should eat breakfast first.' Her stomach grumbles loudly.

Santana laughs and leans forward to press a kiss to Brittany's forehead, 'Okay, food first.'

Santana stares at Brittany while they eat. She looks beautiful, even while she's shoving her face with fruit and bread. She's gotten a tan while they've been on this trip, and her eyes stand out against her skin. They're as crystal blue as the ocean behind them. She smiles to herself as she stares into Brittany's eyes.

She's so utterly perfect it takes Santana's breath away. Santana can't quite believe that this is her life. She'd thought she'd lost Brittany for good when they broke up. But she got her back and somehow, it's even better than before, because she knows what it's like to lose her, and she doesn't ever want to lose her again.

Brittany notices her staring and smiles, 'What?'

Santana grins, 'I just really love you.'

Brittany puts her food down and leans over to kiss Santana, 'And I really love you.' She pulls herself over so she's straddling Santana, pushing her back onto the picnic rug and deepening the kiss. 'Let me show you how much I love you.'

It's slow but fast at the same time, Brittany rests her hands on either side of Santana's face to hold herself up. She deepens the kiss, even more, swiping her tongue along Santana's bottom lip.

Santana groans and wraps her arms around Brittany, pulling her closer. Brittany moves her kisses higher, trailing them across Santana's cheekbones, before dragging them down the side of Santana's face and running her tongue along Santana's jawline.

'Britt,' Santana pushes Brittany's face away, 'If you keep going then I'm not going to be able to stop.'

Brittany smirks and keeps kissing down Santana's neck, sucking slightly, 'That's the point.'

Santana throws her head back, 'Brittany. We're on a beach -'

'A private beach,' Brittany adds, nipping along Santana's collarbone.

Santana laughs, 'Yeah, but I'm gonna get covered in sand.'

Brittany keeps moving lower, 'There's an ocean right there to wash off.' She kisses down Santana's bikini straps and presses her lips to the swell of Santana's breasts, right where they peek out of her bikini top.

'That doesn't help when it goes into my _vagina_,' Santana groans as Brittany pulls her bikini to the side and runs her tongue over her nipple.

'You're on a picnic blanket,' Brittany swirls her tongue over the nipple, moving her hand up to squeeze the other one lightly. Santana moans.

'But -'

Brittany sits up, 'Baby, please stop talking and let me make you feel good.'

Santana suddenly becomes aware of how much her center is throbbing with need and nods. Brittany lowers herself again and wraps her tongue around Santana's nipple, flicking it gently. Santana hums, and Brittany does it again before dragging her tongue down the valley of her breasts and repeating the motion with her other nipple.

Santana's breathing is getting heavier, and she can feel herself getting more turned on with every second that Brittany kisses her. She needs more, she grabs Brittany's hand and drags it downwards towards her bikini bottoms. Brittany gets the message and slides her hand underneath the waistline of the swimmers. She moans when she feels the slickness of Santana's folds.

Santana moans as Brittany's mouth keeps working on her nipples as her hand slowly slides up and down, barely touching her. She arches her back up, trying to gain more contact. Brittany pushes her hips down over Santana's thighs, trapping her legs and preventing her from moving.

She slides her pointer finger up and starts to slowly circle Santana's clit, pressing so lightly Santana thinks she might explode. She tries to buck her hips up, but Brittany's weight on top her prevents her from doing so. She moans in frustration.

Brittany's tongue keeps flicking her right nipple, while her free hand pinches the other one. At the same time, she slips two fingers down and pushes them into Santana with no warning until she's knuckles deep. Santana cries out and Brittany slowly pulls them out until just her fingertips are inside, then pushes them back in just as forcefully.

She keeps kissing Santana's chest as she slides her fingers in and out, hard and fast. Santana's breathing is getting heavier above her. She curls her fingers with each thrust, dragging them along Santana's inner walls. Santana is making little nose with each movement, her breath getting caught in her throat.

Brittany adds a third finger and keeps thrusting, increasing the force behind them. She switches nipples, latching her lips onto the left one and sucking hard. At the same time, she scissors her pointer and index finger, curling the former up.

Santana shatters. She calls out Brittany's name as she clenches around her fingers before waves of pleasure roll over her, making her toes curl and her fingers clench. Every muscle in her body contracts and relaxes as she shakes.

Brittany keeps moving her fingers slowly, working her down.

Santana regains enough feeling in her legs and tries to flip them over. Brittany holds her still and looks up with a wink, 'I'm not done yet,' Her voice is low and husky.

Santana's head rolls back onto the blanket as Brittany kisses from her breasts down, past her navel and slides her bikini bottoms down her legs, Santana kicks them off. Brittany does move her fingers from where they sit inside Santana.

She doesn't pause, just licks up through Santana's folds. Santana cries out her name again. She repeats the motion again, and again.

Santana is shaking beneath her, 'Brittany. Please -'

Brittany slides her tongue over her clit and Santana's hips buck up. At the same time, she starts slowly moving her fingers inside of her. She doesn't pull them out, just rotates them slowly and curls them forward slightly, so they brush over Santana's front wall in just the right spot.

Brittany knows Santana's close. She's still sensitive from her first orgasm and her whole body is shaking in anticipation.

Brittany decides not to drag it out. She flicks her tongue over her clit again and starts pumping her fingers, slowly at first. She builds the pace up quickly, thrusting as fast and hard as she can.

Santana's walls start to tighten.

Brittany sucks her clit into her mouth and runs her tongue over it, pressing hard. Her fingers keep going, she curls them again. She releases Santana's clit and starts thrusting even harder, hitting the spongy spot inside Santana with every movement.

Then she stops completely.

Santana whimpers and reaches down to try and push Brittany's head back down. She was so close.

Brittany pulls her fingers out of Santana, dragging them along her inner walls. She looks up and smirks at Santana before she pushes the three fingers back into Santana with as much force as she can muster, curling them upwards. She takes Santana's clit between her teeth and sucks as hard as she can, her tongue running over it.

Santana's vision goes white as she flies over the edge. Brittany's fingers are still moving inside her, but they're slowly becoming trapped as Santana's muscles clamp down hard. Her whole body convulses with the force of her orgasm, her nails digging into Brittany's shoulders. She sees stars as waves and waves of pleasure come crashing down over her. Brittany keeps moving her fingers, curling them up, and Santana comes again the moment her second orgasm stops.

She feels like she's floating, her body twists and arches with pleasure. All she can feel is Brittany, Brittany, Brittany. Brittany is everywhere.

She blacks out.

She comes to as Brittany places gentles kisses on her neck. She's still shaking with aftershocks. 'Wow,' She breathes.

Brittany giggles into her neck, 'You've never passed out before.'

Santana sighs, 'You've never done _that_ before.'

Brittany giggles again and keeps kissing her slowly.

'You're so beautiful,' Santana blurts out. Brittany looks at her and she swallows, 'I mean, here we are in paradise and you're still the only thing I want to look at.' She kisses her, 'You're perfect.'

Brittany smiles into the kiss and pulls back slightly, 'We're perfect.'

Santana nods. She feels exhausted. She wonders if she could close her eyes for a few moments.

Brittany jumps up and holds out her hands to tug her to her feet as well, 'Come on,' She grins, 'We should go for a swim. You know, wash the sand off you.'

Santana grins but doesn't move.

Brittany pouts and crosses her arms in mock frustration, 'I want to swim with you. We haven't got all day.'

Santana smirks, 'We would have had all day if you didn't decide we needed to have sex.'

Brittany winks, 'Oh please, you loved it.'

Santana stands up and wraps her arms around Brittany, 'I did. But you know what I love more?'

'What?'

'You,' She kisses her.

Brittany presses back into the kiss and then grabs Santana's hand dragging her to the water.

\----------

When they get back to Lima, Santana immediately gets a call saying Rachel needs her.

She gives Brittany a sympathetic look, Brittany shrugs. Santana was supposed to stay in Lima while she packed everything she needs up so they can go to New York together.

Brittany gives Santana a little nudge, 'It's okay, you can go. Most of my stuff is easy to find. I need to go to MIT anyway to sort out everything there.'

Santana nods and books a train ticket. It feels a lot like a goodbye again, even though they'll see each other in a few weeks.

Except, while she's in Cambridge, heading towards MIT she gets mugged. It's not really scary, the guy doesn't have a weapon, but he does manage to drab her purse before she kicks him in the balls and she's too busy trying to run away to think about getting it back.

The problem is, her passport and phone were in her purse. She can't revoke her enrollment from MIT until she has proper identification. She uses the landline phone at the desk to call Santana and tell her that she lost her phone. The lady at the desk is nice and gives her the number of the office to call to cancel her passport, since it had been stolen, and he helped her order a new one, saying he'd fast track it.

She misses Santana's show, mostly because she didn't know about it, because she doesn't have a phone and she doesn't have any money to buy a new one while she's saving to live in New York. Santana ensures her it's okay, and that Broadway isn't her dream anyway, so it doesn't matter that she missed it.

Brittany's still upset.

By the time she finally gets to New York, Santana isn't there. Half of the glee club is, but no Santana.

Mercedes hires her on the spot, and she forces her to let Santana come along as well.

She finally meets up with Santana again, but there's something different about it when they're on the move. Yes, they see each other almost constantly. But they're both running around, practicing dances or doing vocal warm-ups. There's no time to sit down or go out for a nice dinner. There are no date nights or lazy Sunday morning cuddles. There's no stability.

Santana gets a call on their last stop of the tour. She looks up at Brittany with wide eyes, 'That was Rachel. She said we can move into her old room while she's gone.'

Brittany grins.

\----------

Kurt and Blaine help them carry all their things upstairs.

Santana immediately rearranges the bedroom and shuffles all of the furniture around. Brittany watches her with a tiny smile, because they're _here_; they're in New York together and they're living in an apartment. Not alone in an apartment, but they're still living in one.

Santana flops back on the bed looks up at Brittany, 'What?'

Brittany lies down next to her and snuggles into Santana's side, 'I'm just really happy.'

'Me too Britt.' Santana kisses her head.

They're silent but they're surrounded by noise. There's chatter drifting up from the street, the sound of car horns echoes from across the city, a saxophone plays from somewhere within the apartment complex. They can hear Kurt and Blaine bickering softly in the living room.

It's not perfect, Brittany decides, looking up at the ceiling – where she can see cracks in the drywall, but it's _theirs._ 'This is like the treehouse,' She says.

Santana rolls onto her side and traces her fingers over Brittany's freckles, 'What do you mean?'

'The treehouse,' Brittany smiles, 'Is wooden and homey just like here.'

Santana shrugs, 'I guess.'

'It was also the first thing that was _ours._'

Santana's face breaks out into a smile, 'This apartment isn't _ours_. We're just renting it, and there are two other gays here.' She taps Brittany's nose.

'But,' Brittany adds, 'We're here together. _Living_ together. I think it's close enough.'

Santana kisses Brittany, 'Close enough.'

They stay there, looking into each other's eyes. Ignoring the world around them. Ignoring their responsibilities.

For a little while, they just want to be _themselves. _They just want to be together.

And they're their best selves when they're together.


	6. church bells ring, carry me home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're twenty-one when they first get married.
> 
> It's also the only time they get married.
> 
> It's one of those things that just felt so right to them – even when they were told it would fail.
> 
> People questioned their love, they questioned why they had to do it so soon.
> 
> The truth is, they just couldn't stand to be apart in any way. They connect so perfectly; they didn't want anything to break that connection; so, they made it legal.
> 
> At the time they got married, their home state didn't allow them to marry. They travelled.
> 
> People ask if they would have waited a few more months if they had known they could do it wherever they liked. They say no. Everything in their relationship has been perfectly timed – even breakups. Their wedding is no different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
One more chapter after this and then an epilogue style chapter which will probably jump forward in the future a bit.  
As usual, please comment if you notice any mistakes and I can fix them!  
I hope you enjoy!  


They're twenty-one when they first get married.

It's also the only time they get married.

It's one of those things that just felt so right to them – even when they were told it would fail.

People questioned their love, they questioned why they had to do it so soon.

The truth is, they just couldn't stand to be apart in any way. They connect so perfectly; they didn't want anything to break that connection; so, they made it legal.

At the time they got married, their home state didn't allow them to marry. They travelled.

People ask if they would have waited a few more months if they had known they could do it wherever they liked. They say no. Everything in their relationship has been perfectly timed – even breakups. Their wedding is no different.

It begins while they're still in Hawaii, at a small set of markets by the beach:

Santana holds tightly to Brittany's hand as they weave through the crowd. Brittany is tugging her along, pointing excitedly at things at each stall. Santana smiles when she sees the look on Brittany's face – it's all lit up, like a kid on Christmas. Her eyes dart around uncontrollably.

Brittany lets go of her hand suddenly and turns to face her, 'I have to find something. Stay here.'

Her back disappears into the crowd yelling something to Santana about taking a look around. Santana huffs, slightly annoyed that Brittany left her alone, but also amused by her antics.

She browses the stall she's standing in front of. It's selling candles – those fancy candles that are made into shapes like cupcakes or ice-creams. She chuckles slightly when she sees a candle in the shape of a glass of wine, she takes a photo to send to her mom. Maribel has been pestering her for pictures. She sends some while she waits – scrolling through her phone trying to find the best ones.

There's a lot of photos. Mostly photos of Brittany. Santana can't help herself, Brittany always insists she get in the photo's as well, but Santana would rather just look at Brittany. In most of the pictures, Brittany isn't even looking at the camera – she's pointing at a landmark or just doing something so cute that Santana can't resist.

She picks the nicer ones to send to her mom; the ones of just the landmarks or the ones where they have their arms around one another in front of the ocean. She keeps the ones of them kissing in front of the landmarks for herself.

She sends the photos to Whitney too because she knows Brittany will forget.

She looks up, wondering what's taking Brittany so long. Her eyes wander around and when she can't see Brittany, she decides to go look for her.

She looks around as she walks, more focused on finding Brittany than looking at the stalls, but a glint of gold catches the corner of her eye as she spins in a circle, trying to work out what direction she came from.

It's a small jewelry stand, tucked into the corner. Santana stares at it, mostly because the jewelry on display doesn't look quite as cheap and tacky as the things at other stalls. The lady manning the stall sees Santana looking and beckons her over with a smile.

Santana returns the smile as she glances over the display. She's planning on just looking and leaving, but the jewelry is actually very nice.

She's looking at the necklaces, running her fingers along the chains, trying to decide if she should buy one for Brittany's birthday when she sees the ring display. She's not a big ring wearer, but Brittany has a couple that she rotates with her outfits – maybe she would like a ring instead.

The lady catches her looking and smiles, 'You waiting for your boyfriend to get you one of these?'

It catches Santana off guard slightly, when she realizes the implication behind the lady's words. Because that's not why she was looking at them, she was just thinking about getting a ring for Brittany, but not an engagement ring.

She shakes her head and says, 'No just looking.' She stills gets nervous coming out to strangers. This lady is older and she doesn't want to start a scene if she tells Santana she's going to hell and Santana yells back at her.

The lady just nods, and Santana keeps looking. But the words echo in her ears.

It's not like she's never thought about marrying Brittany before. She's thought about it a lot. Thought about it when she was first coming out and thinking about what her life would be like; thought about it when they went to Brittany's cousins wedding during the summer, when they weren't officially dating; thought about when Mr Schue proposed to Emma; thought about it at Mr Schue's wedding; thought about it whenever she was daydreaming about the future.

But suddenly she's _thinking_ about it in a realistic sense, instead of just a hypothetical that will occur sometime in the future.

She looks back down at the rings. They're elegant and she tries to imagine them on Brittany's finger – she smiles to herself. Brittany makes anything look good; she could probably pull off any of them – even the massive chunky ones.

But none of them scream _Brittany_ though.

That thought startles Santana too, because now she's actually looking for an engagement ring. She doesn't even know if she wants to propose yet.

Well, she knows she does. But she doesn't know if that's a short-term goal or a long-term plan. Is there any point in buying a ring if she's not going to propose for another three years?

She doesn't think about it hard. Something in her knows that it won't be three years. She and Brittany have been together since they were six, even if they weren't _together_ together. They've been officially dating for almost three years if you included the period of almost a year where they were broken up.

Unofficially, if you counted from their first kiss, they've been together for ten years.

Considering Santana knows couples who got engaged after not even a year of officially dating, she thinks that's definitely an acceptable period of time.

She feels a pair of arms wrap around her waist and instinctively leans back into Brittany.

'There you are,' Brittany whispers in her ear, 'I thought I told you to stay put.'

Santana rolls her eyes playfully, 'I did and then you decided to take to long. So, I went looking but I couldn't find you.'

'I found you,' Brittany giggles against her cheek, 'Watcha looking at?'

Santana gestures to the necklaces, 'I was just browsing.'

Brittany hums and runs her fingers over the chains, 'These are pretty. You gonna get one?'

Santana feels heat rise up her cheeks, 'I was actually going to get one for you,' She mumbles.

Brittany grins widely and places a kiss on her cheek, 'Thank you.'

Santana covers Brittany's eyes, 'Don't look, I still need to pick one out.'

She nods and dutifully covers her own eyes as Santana selects a simple gold chain with a long pendant hanging down and hands it to the lady to pay. The lady is frowning at them, like she can't quite work out if they're a couple or just really good friends. She hands Santana her bag.

Santana thanks her and then turns around and kisses Brittany on the lips to signal to her that she could open her eyes. It's just a peck, but it's enough for Santana to see the lady scowl and give her a dirty look. Santana smiles back.

She finds that for the first time, someone else's judgement doesn't hurt her or make her feel sick.

Instead, she feels happy; so completely happy.

She takes Brittany's hand as they walk back through the crowds.

She's going to marry this girl and that's all that matters.

\----------

Santana tries not to think about it too seriously. She really does, they're nineteen what's the rush? But she can't the thought out of her head.

While they're on tour with Mercedes she thinks about it every time they pass a jewelry store. She wonders if she should peek her head inside and take a look at the rings. She does a couple of times and begins tossing up between silver or gold, diamonds or another gem, big or small.

She starts subconsciously staring at Brittany's fingers, imagining a ring on there – picturing different styles she seen and trying to wrap her head around what would look best.

She makes an executive decision that it would be something simple. Brittany isn't all about glitz and glamour, she cares more about the sentimentality behind things. She won't want a huge shiny ring to prove her love to Santana, but something small and tasteful – a simple reminder that Santana loves her too.

She starts saving up, moving a portion of her earnings from Mercedes' tour into a side account, she adds $50 to it each week, carefully extracting it from her Spotlight Diner pay and letting the interest start to build it up. Luckily, since she's not going to school or anything, she spends most of her time working and, combined with Brittany's pay, the missing money isn't noticeable enough that Brittany starts asking questions.

She even starts looking online at rings, attempting to suss out exactly what style she wants to pick. She scrolls through website after website – going as far to look at some rings on a French website that are way out of her price range. Designer might be Santana's style, but it's definitely not Brittany's.

It's strange because she hasn't even admitted to herself that she's actually going to do this. She keeps telling herself that she's just planning for the future, she's looking to be prepared for when she does propose to Brittany.

Then she sees the look on Brittany's face every time Kurt and Blaine start talking about their engagement or wedding planning. She looks so delighted; so filled with joy at the prospect of celebrating love and happiness that Santana can't help but feel her heart swell.

She starts thinking about how excited Brittany would be to start planning their wedding. Sure, she could still do it in a few years, but Santana thinks about how ready she feels and based on the look on Brittany's face – she's ready too.

She starts thinking about how she would propose. Would it be alone or in a group? Would they be in New York or Lima? Would be elaborate and planned or just spur of the moment?

When she starts thinking about it like that, she knows that she's serious about doing it sooner rather than later.

She decides to go ring shopping; maybe she'll be less confused if she actually has the ring.

She talks to Kurt because she needs someone to come with her or she'll get too overwhelmed, and he's the only one of their friends who is a) in New York and b) most likely capable of keeping a secret based off past experience. It doesn't hurt that he'll probably also be able to help select a ring that is perfectly _Brittany._

She chooses and afternoon when both Brittany and Blaine are working at the Spotlight Diner, while her and Kurt have the afternoon off.

Kurt's sitting in the living room watching _Golden Girls_ reruns when she enters the room. She's nervous to ask him to come; what if he doesn't want to help? Or can't keep the secret after all?

He notices her hovering, 'Can I help you, Santana?'

'Actually yes,' She nods, 'I need you to come shopping with me.'

'Now?' He looks incredulous.

She nods.

'What for?'

She goes to open the front door, 'I'll tell you on the way.'

She's glad when he doesn't protest, just rolls his eyes slightly and hops up, grabbing his coat and stepping outside into the hallway. He pulls it on as they walk downstairs, giving her funny looks as they go.

It's November so the air is getting cooler, but it's still warm enough that Santana is comfortable in jeans, a sweater and her coat. Kurt shivers slightly, Santana grabs his arm and pulls him towards the subway entrance.

They ride the subway in silence, Kurt throwing her strange looks every few minutes when she doesn't open up about where they're going. She tugs his arm when they get to Columbus Circle and he follows her out of the station and up onto the street.

They stop at the stairs surrounding the statue. She gives him a piercing look, 'Kurt, this trip is to remain top secret, or I swear to god I will go all Lima Heights.'

He nods, 'So, why are we in the rich part of town?'

'I need to buy Brittany a ring.' She mumbles.

Kurt squeals and jumps up and down, tapping her shoulders repeatedly. She bats him away.

'I don't even know if I'm gonna do it soon,' She shrugs, 'I've just been thinking, and I wanted to get the ring.'

Kurt smiles widely at her, 'My lips are sealed,' He mimes zipping them up, 'Now, let's go.' He leads her this time, tugging her arm to get her to follow him into the mall. 'We'll start here,' He adds, 'Then head down towards Tiffany's.'

It turns out, Kurt was the perfect choice to bring along. He's excited, but not too excited so it doesn't make her feel like punching him every time he opens his mouth. She'd expected him to run off and select a million rings to present to her for scrutiny, but he actually asks her what she's looking for and takes a step back while she looks at the displays first, only commenting when she asks for his opinion.

The problem is, to Santana it seems like every store houses the same collection of rings. They're all either too big or too expensive. Even with her savings, some of them are way too far out of her price range to ever be considered, despite their beauty.

Nothing Santana has seen is perfectly _Brittany_ yet. She decided by the second store that she wants a gold ring. It's a surprising choice considering the necklaces and bracelets they had when they were younger were silver, but Santana likes the contrast – to her it demonstrates a new step in their relationship. They've moved beyond friendship bracelets and linked pinkies – she wants the ring to symbolize how far they've come from twelve-year old's who hid their kisses and wore silver charm bracelets as a way to show their connection.

They don't need to hide their kisses anymore, and they can show their connection simply by being around one another.

By the third hour of looking – they've made their way down Fifth Avenue at this point – Santana's eyes are starting to burn from staring at gold rings. All the designs have blurred together in her brain and she's can't separate what came from where.

She's about to tell Kurt they'll have to come back another day, when he points to store across the street. It's smaller than the other's they've been into, so Santana shrugs, thinking it won't take too long.

The store is less elegant than the other's – those had been elegant; attempting to show off all their products – this one was more cluttered; it was less of a show and more about all the options being clear to see.

Santana makes her way to the ring section and bends down in front of the display of gold rings. She sees it straight away, the first ring that actually seems perfect for Brittany.

'Kurt,' She breathes.

He steps forward and leans down next to her, following her gaze to the ring. It's small, just like Santana wanted, with a very thin gold band – thinner than most, probably only a millimeter thick, if that. It had a singular diamond placed in the center, standing out. The diamond wasn't small by any means, but it wasn't huge and flashy either – it was tasteful, just enough.

Santana smiles at Kurt, 'It's perfect.'

Kurt calls the attendant over. He smiles at Santana's choice, 'What size?' He asks.

'6.5.'

He looks below the counter and pulls out a series of boxes, flicking through them, 'We don't have any in stock – it's not a rush, is it? I can order one in, but it'll take a week.'

Santana nods, 'That's fine.'

She feels so good. She found a ring; she actually found a ring that she knows Brittany will love. She gives the man her name and phone number and he types them into the computer, placing the order. She's about to pay when an idea crosses her mind, 'Do you do engraving?'

'Yes, we can't fit much in on a ring that small, but we can,' He smiles at her and pulls out a folder with pricing information for engraving and points out how much each letter will cost.

It's cheaper than Santana expected, though with the added cost, it only just fits within her price range. She nods along with the man, deciding it will be worth it.

'It'll take a few extra days to get that done,' He closes the folder and turns back to the computer, 'What would you like engraved?'

Santana smiles, 'Just two words…'

\----------

Once she actually has the ring, Santana doesn't really know what to do with it. She thinks about calling Brittany's parents to ask for permission – but then she remembers it's not the 1800s and anyway, they're two girls so it's not like they're really following any other traditions.

She also doesn't know where to put the ring. She can't hide it in her purse; Brittany goes looking for mints or keys too often. She can't put it in the wardrobe because they share the very tiny space and they don't really have distinctive sides either – a lot of the time Santana wears Brittany's clothes instead of her own, sometimes unintentionally, but usually on purpose. She can't hide it anywhere else in their room; it's a shared space and far too likely that Brittany will go looking for something in Santana's side drawer – the fact that they keep certain things in Santana's side drawer for use when Kurt and Blaine aren't home makes that even more likely to happen, especially since Brittany's normally the one using them.

She briefly considers giving the ring to Kurt to hide in his room, but she doesn't really want to not have control over it. Besides, Kurt would probably get too excited and open the box to stare at it and somehow alert Blaine who might accidentally alert Brittany.

Eventually, she settles on the only place she can think of where Brittany won't go searching – her coat pocket. Nothing ever goes in there, since she carries her purse everywhere, so Brittany won't ever look for anything. Just in case, Santana slides it into the inner pocket; it's even less likely that Brittany will look there.

It makes her comfortable that the ring is always with her. Firstly, because it means Brittany can't accidentally find it while Santana's out of the house and she goes snooping – which Santana knows she does because she does it too. And secondly, because she still has no plan as to how to propose to Brittany and thinks she might just do it when the moment is right.

She wants to have a plan, but every time she thinks of one it's not quite perfect. Propose on New Year's Eve just as the clock strikes midnight? Too soon. Propose while they're back in Lima in March visiting their family? Too hectic and it will overlap with Ashley's birthday and they don't want to steal the thunder from her when she _finally_ becomes a teenager.

She settles on doing it in New York over the summer in the gap between their birthdays – Brittany's is at the beginning of June and Santana's is mid-July – which gives her five weeks to work with. It's also convenient because it means they'll have plenty of time to plan the wedding and hopefully get married in Spring; good due to the weather and it results in Summer being less crowded with important events. It's already a busy time and she doesn't want them to strain their bank accounts by having to buy birthday and anniversary gifts.

She plans a dinner at a little Italian restaurant down the road from their apartment – she books it already, even though they're still months out. Then she wants to take Brittany for a walk, down through the streets towards Central Park – they'll get ice-cream and sing as they walk. Then they'll come back home, where one of their friends would have set up rose petals and champagne. Then she'll ask Brittany and, if all goes to plan Brittany will say yes and they'll be engaged.

She's already stressed even though she has plenty of time

Then, a week before Brittany's birthday and three weeks before her planned proposal; Kurt and Blaine ruin those plans.

It's no secret they were having some problems. Her and Brittany do share the apartment with them, and they don't have any proper walls, just curtains. They'd been having little whisper fights – not even fights, disagreements – since her and Brittany moved in. But they were little things – Kurt didn't buy more milk; Blaine was gone longer than expected – similar to the disagreements any couple had.

Santana did notice the arguments getting progressively louder and over more serious things – who to invite to their wedding, venues, flower arrangements, what kind of suits – but she put it down to the stressful time period. Planning a wedding put a strain on any couple.

One night, the yelling gets much louder than ever before. So loud, that even if they had walls, Santana would have been able to hear – she's fairly certain the people on the street can hear.

It started when Brittany and Blaine came home from work half-an-hour later than expected. They'd been together, but Kurt had still been pestering Blaine about where he'd been, even though they both said the diner had been swamped and they'd had to stay back. Kurt had stayed quiet, but Santana could tell he was still on edge.

She dragged Brittany to their room to give them some space. She lay down on the bed as Brittany kicked off her shoes and pulled off her work uniform, 'I'm gonna shower,' She whispers, holding up a pair of pajamas.

Santana nods and flops her head back onto the pillow and listens to the shouting which has just started in the kitchen. They've progressed to Kurt not telling Blaine that he bought a new toaster for the apartment – Brittany bought the toaster; which Kurt is desperately training to explain.

By the time Brittany returns to their bedroom, hair still damp and smelling like strawberry shampoo; the argument has reached a full-on screaming match about how neither Kurt nor Blaine tell each other anything.

Brittany looks uneasy as she crawls up next to Santana, 'Do you think we should do something?'

Santana sits up and slowly pulls her shirt over her head while reaching under her pillow for her pajama top, 'I don't know if we can do anything. It'll blow over.'

Brittany pulls back the covers and wiggles under the sheet, 'Can we cuddle until they stop?'

'We always cuddle, Britt,' Santana grins, but snuggles next to Brittany, letting her arms pull her closer to Brittany until her head's resting on her chest. She nestles in and lets out a sigh, as Brittany places a kiss in her hair.

She falls into a restless sleep, she can still vaguely hear Kurt and Blaine yelling in the other room, but they seemed to have realized how late it was and quieted it down again. Most of their words are in hushed voices that still sound angry.

She can feel Brittany breathing into her hair and knows she struggling to sleep as well.

She gets jolted from her doze when Kurt yells, louder than before, 'Geez, what are you going to go cheat on me again?!'

Blaine yells something indeterminable back and Santana hears the sound of the front door rolling open. It slams shut and Brittany flinches at the noise.

The apartment is so utterly silent after that, it's almost uncomfortable. Santana curls into Brittany more and Brittany tightens her grip, holding her as close as possible. Santana doesn't know which of them just stormed out, but that can't be good.

'San?' Brittany whispers, 'Are they going to be okay?'

Santana kisses her arm, 'I don't know, Britt-Britt.'

They don't see either Kurt or Blaine until the next evening.

Kurt knocks on the wall beside the end of the curtain to their room. Santana sits up from where she was lying with her head resting on Brittany's stomach, 'Come in.'

Kurt pulls back the curtain a tiny bit and slips through. His eyes are swollen and rimmed with red and he's wringing his hands nervously, 'Hi, can I sit down?'

Santana sits up more and scooches up the bed so Kurt can sit on the end. He does, he looks so small and sad she feels a little sorry for him.

'Blaine and I called off the engagement.'

Brittany gasps and Santana feels her heart drop. Brittany wraps her arms around Kurt, giving him a tight hug. He doesn't say anything else for a minute, just sniffles slightly.

'We're both moving back to Lima,' He says after a while, wiping his eyes. 'He got a job with the Warblers, and I just need a break from the city – I'm going to move back in with my dad.'

Santana nods, 'That makes sense, yeah.'

Kurt smiles sadly, 'We talked about it and we're happy to sign the lease over to you guys if you want. Or if you want to find another place?'

The reality of the situation hits Santana. Her and Brittany exchange a look; they both know it. They can't realistically afford to stay in New York – not without the crazy low rent prices and the fact that Kurt and Blaine paid almost 70% of that rent because they knew they had a steadier combined income.

Options flash through Santana's mind. They could find a new, cheaper apartment – very unlikely. They could find two new roommates – the rent would be split evenly and there was a chance they'd end up with a creep.

Her and Brittany share another look. Santana's heart sinks as Brittany shakes her head, clearly having thought the same thing and done the math.

Santana thinks about her proposal plan and knows she's going to have to postpone it – they won't be here in three weeks. The rents due in a week, meaning if they give their notice to the landlord, they only have a week to get out so she can find someone else for the next month. She wonders if there's a way to just move her plans to Lima, but then she remembers Kurt and Blaine's crumbling engagement and realizes that it'll be too soon after for Brittany to not have any doubts.

It's Brittany who eventually answers Kurt, speaking for both of them, 'You'll have to give the landlord notice, Kurt,' She says, sounding much calmer than Santana feels, 'We're going back to Lima with you.'

\----------

It's bittersweet to be home.

It's nice because she's closer to her family and Brittany's family and they get to spend their birthdays surrounded by people they love. But once it passes Santana's birthday, she's officially missed her timeline to propose. She doesn't even feel excited to finally be twenty-one because all she's thinking about is how she wanted to turn twenty-one as Brittany's fiancé instead of just her girlfriend.

They settle back into Lima though and it's not as bad as Santana thought. She decides to play it by ear and propose when the moment is right, not based on an elaborate plan; because plans can change very rapidly.

Brittany gets a temporary job teaching at the local dance school while one of the teachers is on maternity leave and Santana weasels her way into a barista job at The Lima Bean. Neither of them says it, but they're both saving their money more carefully now preparing to eventually move back to New York.

Brittany's teaching job pays more than the Spotlight Diner ever did, and while Santana's pay isn't great, she does love that they close at 6 pm and she doesn't need to work overnight shifts.

Santana doesn't officially move in with Brittany, but she spends most of her nights at Brittany's. They'd gotten so used to living together that she can't sleep without Brittany by her side anymore. She still goes home to get clothes and to have the occasional dinner with her mom, but she spends the majority of her time with Brittany.

Santana starts looking at colleges in New York. She's focused on the quality of the school's, but she's also paying attention to their dorm situations and whether they have rooms that cater to couples. Most of them do, but they're aimed at couples where both members attend that College.

She also starts browsing apartment websites, silently doing the math about how much they need to earn per month and if it's realistic based around school schedules. A lot of the ones around the colleges are either way more expensive to rip off students, or way cheaper to cater to the student population.

A week after Ashley starts eighth grade, Santana gets a call from Kurt. He wants to know if her and Brittany are free to come in and help recruit for the new glee club that he and Rachel are starting at McKinley.

She says yes only because Brittany gives her a wide grin and because Kurt mentions that Quinn is coming along too, and she hasn't seen her other best friend in so long. Brittany begs her once she realizes it's homecoming week and everyone will be there anyway.

The time fits in perfectly around her and Brittany's work schedules. Brittany works mostly in the afternoons and on weekends, and Santana normally works the opening shift – so, they head to McKinley at midday.

It's nice to be surrounded by their friends again and Santana falls right back into high school, dancing and singing around the school arm in arm with Brittany.

It's a week later when Santana realizes she has to ask Brittany to marry her before she explodes – Kurt and Blaine's failed engagement be damned.

It's the way Brittany looks at her as they sit on her bed, drinking champagne and talking about the future. It's the first time either of them has actually mentioned going back to New York, but all it does is confirm to Santana that Brittany wants a life with her – an actual life where they have proper jobs and an apartment; maybe even a family at some point.

The way Brittany hold her tight as she says, 'I will love you until infinity, Santana Lopez.' Makes her feel dizzy.

Suddenly it feels so right. Like something has clicked in her brain and she knows it's the right time to propose, 'I'll love you until infinity too, Britt.'

She digs the ring out of her coat pocket when she gets home the next morning and starts to formulate a plan.

\----------

She's so nervous as she sings. Brittany keeps kneeling down with her and she can't get her to stay seated like she wants. The loving looks Brittany gives her as they sing is enough to keep her calm enough – she doesn't feel as though she's going to have a panic attack or vomit into the trashcan, so that's a good sign.

As the mash-up ends, she takes a deep breath and launches into the speech she'd stayed up all night preparing. She can't take her eyes off Brittany the whole time. Watching the way her eyes light up as she speaks, watches the way her _adorable_ bangs shake with her head as she nods along with what Santana's saying. She can tell by the glint in Brittany's eyes that she's somewhat caught onto what Santana is doing, but she lets her finish.

A gasp slips past Brittany's lips as the band girl hands Santana the box. She knew what was happening the moment Santana had started her little speech, but she didn't quite believe it until the ring was right in front of her. She doesn't want to cry, not in front of all these people, but every piece of love in her body swells up as Santana gets down on one knee.

'Brittany S. Pierce, will you marry me?' The words slip past Santana's lips and everything Brittany feels is zoned onto the beautiful girl in front of her who has just made all of her dreams come true.

She nods and grabs the ring before she can even think about the fact that Santana is supposed to put it on for her, she pulls Santana into a hug, 'I would love to.' She feels tears starting to prickle in the corners of her eyes as the metal slides onto her finger, 'I would love to.'

In that moment it's just her and Santana. Together.

\----------

Brittany twists the ring on her finger as Santana lies with her head on her stomach.

'Thank you,' She says quietly, running her fingers gently through Santana's hair.

Santana smiles up at her, 'For what?'

'For making me so happy.'

Santana shrugs, 'Well you make me so happy – so, I had to return the favor.'

Brittany grins and leans down to kiss Santana softly. Santana hums against her lips, 'Do you like the ring?'

Brittany looks down at her finger and stretches it out, holding it up to the light. It's the first time she's properly examined it. It's perfect – simple but sentimental – exactly what Brittany loves. It's gold, which surprised her at first, but she understands. This is a bigger step than they've ever taken – it makes sense that with each step they change. 'It's beautiful,' She tells Santana, 'You know me so well.'

'Hmmm,' Santana smiles into her side, 'Look on the inside of the band.'

Brittany pouts because looking at the inside involves taking the ring off and she doesn't ever want it to leave her skin again. She giggles.

'What?'

'When we get married, you'll have to take your wedding ring off to have sex,' She tells her.

'Why?' Santana frowns.

'You're left-handed,' Brittany points out, 'And, while your ring finger is not the most important – it's still used.' She keeps laughing.

Santana keeps frowning, 'I'll train myself to use my right hand. Or -' She kisses Brittany's hand, 'We'll have to pick something delicate… So it doesn't scratch.' She winks at Brittany.

'Mmmmm,' Brittany pulls Santana's head up and presses their lips together, 'Sounds like a plan.'

'Now,' Santana continues, 'Look at the inside of the band.'

This time Brittany does what she's told and carefully slides the ring off her finger, tilting it to see the inside. She gasps when she sees what's engraved around the gold. She kisses Santana again, tears welling in her eyes, 'It's perfect.'

Santana kisses her tears away before they can fall down her face, 'Now it's true.'

Brittany wraps her arms around Santana, 'Yeah, it is.'

She looks at the band again. In tiny cursive, stretching around the sides of the gold are two words;

_Together forever._

_\----------_

Santana feels like she's going to burst open, because her Abuela is at her wedding. She's here despite saying she wouldn't be and that means everything to her.

It doesn't matter that she tells Santana that she thinks girls should marry girls because she's here, which means she's trying to accept it – she's making an effort.

And maybe, maybe over time she'll start to see Santana more, start to see her with Brittany; see how they interact; see how much they love each other. Maybe over time, she'll see how much they care and how perfectly they fit together – how perfect they are for one another.

Maybe she'll finally see that, despite their differences, despite what she was taught:

_Girls do marry girls._

And that's exactly what Santana was doing today – marrying the girl of her dreams.

Marrying Brittany.

\----------

Brittany thought Santana would be the one freaking out on their wedding day. She's always been the one who overthinks things or freaks out over the tiniest details. But today, Santana is very calm as she stands in Brittany's dressing room, kissing her softly.

Her Abuela had just left to take her place in the front row and Sue had gone to round up Kurt and Blaine.

Brittany feels butterfly's churn in her stomach. She shouldn't be nervous, she's marrying Santana, something she's wanted to do since they were nine and she found out kissing Santana was really nice and didn't feel weird at all. Yet, for some reason, she's still shaking. She thinks it might be the pressure, walking down the aisle in front of all their family and friends. She also thinks it might be the anticipation for the moment she's finally actually _married_ to Santana.

She can't wait to go back to New York and be able to call Santana her wife whenever anyone asks if she has a boyfriend – _'oh no, I don't have a boyfriend, but my __**wife**__ and I just moved into an apartment together.'_

Santana rubs her thumb over the back of her neck in a soothing manner. She can sense Brittany's nerves and keeps kissing her lips gently, as though she's trying to suck out all the anxiety.

They stay like that until Kurt and Blaine come in.

The moment they leave, Santana pulls her close again and keeps kissing her. She smiles against her lips, 'Thank you.'

Santana smiles too, effectively breaking the kiss – it's hard to maintain when you're both grinning like idiots, 'You're welcome.'

Rachel pops her head into the room and gestures that it's time.

'Are you ready?' Santana asks, kissing her one last time.

Brittany pulls away, 'To be your wife? Always.'

The stand to the side of the barn, waiting for their cue to enter. Kurt hooks his arm through Brittany's as the first notes of the music begin and Mercedes voice echoes out. Brittany gives Santana one last encouraging smile before she steps forward.

She can feel everyone's eyes on her as she walks down the aisle, but she doesn't see any of them, all she sees the is front and she focuses on getting there without falling flat on her face. When she does reach the front, she turns around, eager to see Santana follow the path she just took.

Santana looks absolutely radiant. Brittany can't take her eyes off her, she grins back as she walks, never looking away. Brittany holds her hands out as she gets close and guides her to her spot next to her, gripping her hand tightly.

When they turn to face each other, Brittany is shaking slightly. Santana squeezes both her hands in reassurance, letting her know that it's fine – it's just her.

And it is just her; Brittany isn't aware of anything else except Santana's eyes staring into hers. They're even brighter than normal and they light up a thousand times more when Brittany starts speaking, reciting the vows they had written together.

They're deep and brown and so inviting. Brittany thinks she could get lost in them forever if she stared long enough.

'I'm a work in progress,' Santana says.

'I'm a work in progress,' Brittany repeats.

They grin at each other because this is really happening and they're so close.

'I do.'

'I do.'

Brittany bites her lip and tries to hold her tears in as Mike passes them their rings. Brittany feels tingles run down her spine as Santana slips her ring onto her finger, she holds Santana's gaze and slides the matching ring onto Santana's finger.

They both smile; they've done it.

'I now pronounce you wife and wife.'

Brittany barely waits until Burt finishes speaking before she cups Santana's face and kisses her _wife._

She doesn't want to ever stop kissing Santana as her _wife._

When they've danced and ate and drank and listened to speeches and kissed about a million times, the crowd slowly starts thinning. Brittany is slightly drunk on champagne and feels floatier than normal, giggling at things that aren't even really very funny.

By just after midnight, it's only the former glee club members and their families left. Brittany sways in Santana's arms, rocking gently to the piano music that plays softly, echoing around the barn. They're the only ones on the dancefloor and Brittany thinks that should make her self-conscious – but it doesn't, she feels perfectly content in her _wife's _arms, joy bubbling inside her as she keeps her lips pressed to Santana's head.

They stay there, slowly swaying until Maribel walks over and smiles at them, 'Everyone's getting ready to go… Your car is waiting out the front.'

They nod, but don't move just yet. They wait for the song to finish before they lazily wrap their arms around each other's shoulders and head outside. They'd decided to forgo the dramatic clap off in the car, considering they weren't going on a proper honeymoon – just a weekend in a cabin just south of Fort Wayne.

Blaine and Kurt have just gotten into their car when they exit the barn, tangled together in the backseat. Brittany and Santana wave as they pull away into the darkness.

Brittany opens the door of their own car and gestures to Santana to get in, she does, holding up the legs of her jumpsuit as she slides across to the other side so that the hem doesn't hook on anything. Brittany carefully climbs in after her and slides into the middle seat, reducing the distance between her and Santana.

They buckle their seatbelts and the driver slowly pulls away from the barn, allowing them to look at the scenery out the windows. Santana leans her head on Brittany's shoulder and places a gentle kiss on her neck.

'I love you,' She says.

Brittany smiles, 'I love you, too.'

They're both exhausted, but there's a certain air of anticipation as they head to the cabin to spend their first night together as wives. Brittany clenches her thighs together slightly as she thinks about them, alone, in a cabin.

The driver signals that they're almost there, and five minutes later they pull up in front of a small wooden cottage. Brittany gets out first and then leans down to help Santana stand up without tripping over in her heels on the uneven dirt. The driver hands them their key and then drives away slowly leaving them by themselves.

They keep their arms tangled together as they walk up the three steps onto the porch and Brittany carefully unlocks the door. Then she stops and smirks at Santana before hoisting her up and into her arms.

'Britt,' Santana lets out a squeal as the ground disappears from beneath her feet.

Brittany just laughs as she steps over the threshold with Santana in her arms, kicking the door shut behind them. 'I'm carrying you bridal style,' She informs Santana, 'Because you are my bride.'

She carries Santana all the way to the bedroom and gently lays her down on the bed. Santana stops her before she can kiss her, 'Wait, I need to take this -' She gestures to her jumpsuit, 'Off. It won't come off while I'm lying down.'

Brittany nods and lets her stand back up, unzipping the jumpsuit for her and helping her pull it off. She knows they should hang it up to stop it from getting crushed, but the moment it hits the ground, Brittany is pushing Santana back onto the bed, kissing her deeply.

Santana moans into her mouth as Brittany settles on top of her without breaking contact. 'Mmm,' She hums, 'You need to take your dress off,' Brittany kisses her again, 'You're wearing too much.'

Brittany keeps kissing Santana but reaches behind her to unzip the dress. Santana's hands fumble with the hem and she tugs it over Brittany's head, throwing it to the side, where it mingles with her jumpsuit on the floor.

They're not in a rush. They kiss lazily for a few more minutes – both of them wanting it to last. When Brittany finally moves to kiss Santana's jaw and neck, it's with less urgency than usual. They're both content to just be with one another and feel their skin pressed together.

She reaches behind herself again and undoes the clasp on her bra, the strapless material falling away. Then she reaches behind Santana and undoes hers too. Their breasts brush together as she settles back on top of Santana and they both moan.

There's desire burning low in Brittany's belly, but it stays in the background, her need to pleasure Santana more present in the front of Brittany's mind. Santana seems to have similar ideas to Brittany, because she tries to pull Brittany upwards so she can kiss her neck.

'No,' Brittany shakes her head without removing her lips from Santana's skin, 'You first.'

Santana pushes her back lightly, 'Britt, this is our wedding night – we need to do it together.'

'Like the first time?'

'Yeah.'

Brittany keeps kissing Santana's neck but slides up after a few minutes to let Santana kiss down her throat. Santana pushes her thigh in between Brittany's leg, and she moans at the contact, suddenly realizing how turned on she is.

It feels like her whole body is tingling with anticipation.

She kicks her panties down her legs and feels Santana wriggles beneath her, doing the same.

She looks down at Santana whose eyes are thick with lust and she knows she's feeling the same way. She trails her fingers down Santana's left arm and rubs them over her wedding ring, 'Are you ready to find out if we picked a delicate enough one?'

Santana lets out a tiny giggle into her neck, 'It's literally all diamonds, but yes, I'm so ready,' She kisses back up to Brittany's lips, 'I'll be gentle, but tell me if it hurts and I can take it off.'

Brittany nods and clasps Santana's left hand in her right, sliding them down their bodies together. All of her nerve endings are on fire; she doesn't think she's ever been this turned on before. There's something about knowing that Santana is her _wife_ now that makes her shiver with arousal.

Together their hands make contact with their centers. Brittany untangles her fingers from Santana's to run her pointer finger through Brittany's folds. She moans at the feeling of the wetness that has accumulated there. Santana echoes the motion on Brittany, and she feels a jolt go through her as Santana's fingers brush over her clit.

They make eye contact and nod, both of them slipping their index finger into the other. Brittany feels her walls clench around Santana and knows she's not far from the edge. Based on the way Santana is shaking below her, she's close too.

In unison they start slowly pumping their fingers, it's so slow, not something that would ever usually send Brittany over the edge. But as she moves, the back of Santana's palm brushes over her clit and she unravels. Pleasure spreading across her body in a giant wave, she feels herself clench down on Santana's finger and her eyes closed as she shakes.

The look on Brittany's face as she comes pushes Santana over the edge too. They're both so sensitive from the arousal that has built up in anticipation of their first time as wives that they didn't need much of a push.

It takes a moment for them to come down from their highs, but one they do, Santana smiles up at Brittany and starts moving her finger again, sliding it in and out. Brittany copies her movements and then slips a second finger in next to the first.

Santana shudders and adds a second as well. They move in perfect unison, fingers slowly thrusting. Brittany feels the pressure building again and bites down lightly on Santana's shoulder to keep from crying out.

Then Santana slides her ring finger into Brittany as well. Brittany feels the cool metal press lightly on her entrance – not enough to hurt but just enough that she's aware of its presence. It makes something burn within her; the symbol of their marriage so close to her. For the first time in her life, Brittany wishes she was left-handed so she could make Santana feel the same. She does the next best thing and brings her left hand between them, rubbing her ring finger over Santana's clit. Santana cries out.

They start to pick up the pace, Brittany adds a third finger too, and Santana keens, reaching between them with her right hand to press down on Brittany's clit. Brittany can't stifle her cries anymore and they burst out loudly.

They begin rocking their hips in time with their thrusts, adding force. With each motion, Santana's fingers reach deeper inside of her and her other hand presses down forcefully on her clit. She knows her actions are having the same effect on Santana.

They stare into each other's eyes, noses pressed together. A silent agreement passes between them. On the next thrust, they both curl their finger upwards while pressing down on each other's clits.

They snap at exactly the same time. Their screams mix together as they fly over the edge.

Their whole bodies clench, then release, pleasure spreading from the tips of their toes to the ends of their hair. They both start shaking, muscles spasming with the force of their orgasms. Stars dance on the edge of Brittany's vision, and she presses her lips to Santana's, swallowing her screams in an attempt to starve them off. She doesn't want to pass out, she wants to experience this.

They keep convulsing, their orgasms drawing out longer than ever before. They keep moving their finger's slowly, dragging it out for as long as possible. The tiny movements make Santana come again before her second orgasm has even finished, her eyes rolling back into her head and she shakes against Brittany, who follows not long after.

The cycle continues until Santana can't stop herself from shaking – it's uncontrollable, waves upon waves of pleasure taking over every inch of her body and consuming her.

It becomes too much and she gently pushes Brittany off her. Brittany rolls onto her side, still shaking as well and wraps her arms tightly around Santana. Their lefts hands tangle on her stomach, wedding rings bumping together.

Brittany grins as Santana's stomach muscles clench as another aftershock rips through her. 'I think we just broke our record,' She whispers.

Santana whimpers as she keeps shaking, 'I don't know if that counts, it was kinda one long continuous one…'

Brittany kisses her, 'I'm pretty sure that was like, seven, that just all rolled into each other.'

Santana moans and sighs, 'I can't stop shaking.' Her stomach muscles clench again, as though trying to prove her point.

Brittany holds her hand up to Santana's eyeline to show how it's wobbling, 'Neither can I.'

'I think we did good. I'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow.'

'Hmm,' Brittany kisses her forehead, 'Me either.'

Santana sighs sleepily as a final aftershock makes her legs spasm slightly, 'Can we sleep now?'

'Yeah, we can,' Brittany smiles, 'My wife.'

Santana smiles even though her eyes are closed, 'Thanks. Wife.'

\----------

The timing of Sue's impromptu honeymoon couldn't have been more perfect.

They left a week after their wedding in October and returned in mid-November, meaning they could spend time back in Lima packing up their things before officially moving back to New York on boxing day. That way they would be able to spend New Year's in their new apartment and be all ready to go once Santana started her course at NYU at the end of summer break.

She was doing a music theory and production degree. She could have waited until next year to start, but when she'd contacted them regarding placement they'd informed her that her cross-country tour with Mercedes could count towards units, meaning she could start in the second semester assuming she was okay with having an extra workload as she caught up on content.

Despite the wedding and the costs involved with that, they'd managed to save enough to afford the rent on a small apartment in Williamsburg, just across the Williamsburg Bridge. It was stretching their budget, but it was the cheapest they could find without Santana having an hour commute to school.

Brittany's job at the dance studio had boosted their savings significantly and they were able to put down first and last. The next few months might be a bit of a struggle as they got their footing, but they would make it work.

Santana was hoping to get a job at a recording studio while she studied, which would pay more than a retail job and give her experience in the production industry – she'd reached out to Mercedes producer to see if he was looking for anyone or knew of anyone who might hire her.

Brittany had a job secured before they even moved. She loved her job in the dance studio in Lima – loved teaching kids to be passionate about dance, so when they'd officially decided they were moving she'd sent applications to dance studios all over Brooklyn.

Santana told her that she could go to school for dance if she wanted, she didn't have to stick to teaching if she wanted to train professionally. But Brittany insisted that she loved dance too much to ever do it professionally – she said she didn't want to fall out of love with it because she was being trained too hard.

She'd heard back from several of the dance studios, and by the time they got back from their honeymoon, she had seven job offers. Together, she and Santana had trawled through them, marking things like proximity, reputation, pay and hours down. From the start, there had been one that stood out to Brittany – it was a smaller studio in Brooklyn that had a very good reputation, it didn't have huge rates of dances going off to professional places, but it had a strong sense of community. They also didn't employ professional dances as teachers but focused on people who had a passion for dance to spread that enthusiasm to the students. There were three teachers, one of whom was retiring in the New Year after teacher there for almost thirty years and they were looking for a young teacher who shared their love for dancing. Even better, they had a steady stream of students and wanted to keep the teachers in permanent jobs that could support them – which meant the pay was really good, better than some of the high-end places that also sent her offers.

It was perfect for Brittany.

The cab dropped them in front of their apartment building at midday on boxing day. Santana grinned at Brittany as they pulled their suitcases out of the back of the cab and paid the driver.

They had made it.

Brittany pulled her brand-new set of keys out of her coat pocket and smiled at the doorman who nodded his head at them. 'Hi,' She said, 'I'm Brittany and this is my wife, Santana,' Her face still lit up when she said the word wife, 'We're moving into apartment 3B.'

He smiles back politely, 'I'm Frank. It's nice to meet you, I hope you settle in okay.'

They wait for the elevator in a nervous jittery haze. When it arrives, they roll their bags in and press the button to the third floor. Santana smiles at the excited look on Brittany's face, her eyes lit up with anticipation.

The elevator dings and Brittany rushes out, barely waiting for Santana as she speeds down the hallway at a weird half-run pace. She stops in front of the blue door with '3B' on the front in gold lettering, waiting for Santana to catch up. She lets go of her bag and gripped Santana's hand instead, holding her right arm up and fitting the key in the lock.

She turns it slowly, her hand shaking slightly. Then it clicks and Santana reaches her left hand up to turn the handle. The door swings open and they're staring at their new apartment. Brittany doesn't loosen her grip on Santana's hand as they step forward into their home.

It's perfect.

Their furniture had been delivered earlier that month before the delivery places closed over the holidays, they had paid slightly extra to have the furniture assembled as well, and had enlisted the help of Mercedes – and Quinn who had been in New York visiting her – to arrange the furniture for them. They hadn't given any specific directions but trusted the two to arrange it tastefully.

They had.

They'd left the entryway clear, but to the left was a living room area, two couches set up – one against the wall and another perpendicular to it. The space in front of the couches had been left clear, and there was a TV mounted on a small cabinet against the opposing wall. Next to the living space a clear door leading onto a balcony that overlooked the city – Santana was sure that on a clear day they would be able to see the Bridge.

Straight ahead of them was a little dining table set up next to the kitchen, which housed a granite benchtop. The boxes of appliances and cookware they had shipped from Lima sat on the floor next to the table, ready to be sorted.

To their right was a hallway, Brittany tugged Santana's hand, leading her along. The first door on the left opened to a tiny laundry room, only just big enough for a washer, dryer and a singular person.

The next door was a bathroom, it was small, but would serve its purpose. A box of towels and toiletries sat next to the bathtub shower cross.

Along the next stretch of the hallway was a built-in linen closet, where they could store towels, sheets and any extra random things that wouldn't fit elsewhere.

There were two doors at the end of the hallway, one on the left and one on the right. Both were bedrooms. The one on the left was bigger and the room Brittany and Santana were going to occupy, Brittany nudged the door open to reveal the space. There was a king-sized bed in the center of the room, wooden nightstands sat on either side and were complemented by a wooden headboard. The walls were painted a pale blue – similar to Brittany's walls in Lima. On the opposing wall to the bed, there was a wardrobe and a dresser on either side of a sliding door that leads to an ensuite bathroom.

Brittany smiled at Santana as they surveyed the room. They left their bags in the corner, ready to unpack later.

Santana squeezed Brittany's hand tighter as they turned around to face the final door. Santana turned the handle on this one and pushed it open. This room was smaller, but currently housed no furniture – the only thing in the room was a folded-up air mattress and pump which lay in the corner. Santana chuckles slightly because Quinn must have bought that for herself to prompt them to invite her to stay.

They look at the empty room together, the walls hadn't been painted yet and remained a dull yellow from the previous tenants.

Brittany wraps her arms around Santana's shoulders and snuggles close to her, 'For the future,' She says quietly.

'For the future,' Santana echoes. Neither of them mentioning exactly what the room is for. Santana feels her heart speed up at the prospect.

They head back to the living room and settle on one of the couches. Neither of them says much. Brittany pats her lap and Santana lies down, placing her head on Brittany's thighs. Brittany threads her hands through Santana's hair, stroking softly. Santana smiles up at her.

They don't need to say anything, they're content with just co-existing in this tiny place, together.

_Their home._

'It's ours,' Brittany says softly, 'Actually 100% ours this time.'

Santana smiles, 'Apart from the landlord, yeah, it's ours.'

'Our home,' Brittany grins.

'Our home,' Santana echoes.

They stay there until Santana's stomach grumbles and Brittany bursts out laughing, then gets up to make her food. Santana follows her to the kitchen, not trusting her not to start a fire on their first day.

They eat at the table together, hands linked over the wood.

They watch the sunset together on the balcony, ignoring the cold.

Santana snuggles into Brittany, their arms intertwined. Left hands bumping together.

Their wedding rings glint as the sun disappears beyond the horizon.

It's perfect.


	7. have my back, yeah, everyday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're twenty-five the first time they decide to start a family.
> 
> It happens sooner than they had expected.
> 
> It's something they had been planning for in subtle ways the moment they moved back to New York – they selected jobs with better pay and security; they chose an apartment with a spare bedroom.
> 
> They thought they were going to wait longer – until there were better jobs and more money – but they decide they're perfectly content with a simple life; they don't need any crazy glitz and glamour to be happy.
> 
> They just need each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
So this is the last one before the epilogue!  
Just to let you know there might be a bit of a delay on the epilogue, I have a very busy week and bit coming up. I'll try to write as much as I can but it will be at least a week till it's up.  
TW for mentions of anxiety.  
I hope you enjoy!  


They're twenty-five the first time they decide to start a family.

It happens sooner than they had expected.

It's something they had been planning for in subtle ways the moment they moved back to New York – they selected jobs with better pay and security; they chose an apartment with a spare bedroom.

They thought they were going to wait longer – until there were better jobs and more money – but they decide they're perfectly content with a simple life; they don't need any crazy glitz and glamour to be happy.

They just need each other.

It begins in the fall of 2019, surrounded by friends and family:

Brittany squeezes her hand as they knock on the door.

It's strange to be back in Lima, they haven't been back since they moved to New York – their families had come to visit them for every Christmas so far, wanting to see the city in the holidays. This year, however, they'd returned for their four-year anniversary.

That's where they were right now, knocking on Kurt and Blaine's door for a joint celebration with the rest of their former glee club.

Blaine swings the door open and smiles widely, 'Hey guys, come in,' He gestures for them to follow him into the house, 'Everyone's out the back – Mike just started the barbeque. I'll be out in a second, I'm just going to check on Eloise,' He nods his head up the stairs.

Brittany gives him a hug, 'Congratulations! We haven't seen you since she was born, but we're really happy for you.'

He smiles and starts quietly walking up the stairs as Brittany and Santana head towards the backyard. It's a nice house, similar to the ones Brittany and Santana grew up in, if only a tiny bit smaller – it's spacious and homey and exactly where they'd pictured Kurt and Blaine ending up when they'd gotten married.

Brittany slides open the glass doors in the dining room, and they step out onto a wooden patio which leads into a grassy backyard. Rachel screeches when she sees them and jumps up from her spot on an old armchair to wrap her arms around them, 'Congratulations!'

Santana pats her awkwardly on the back, 'Thanks, Berry.'

Mercedes shoots them a grin from near the barbeque where she stands with Quinn, Sam and Mike, 'Four years since we stood in that dirty barn,' She smirks, 'How does it feel?'

Brittany smiles coyly and wraps her arm around Santana, 'As good as it did the first day.'

Santana kisses her on her cheek and tries to ignore the blush that spreads up her cheek as Rachel 'awes,' loudly.

Brittany spots Kurt down on the grass talking to Jesse she bounds over and hugs him tightly, 'Congratulations,' She pauses, 'On the anniversary and on the baby.' Her face scrunches up a little as she turns to Rachel, 'Do I congratulate you as well?'

Rachel smiles in response and shakes her head, 'It's okay, they're doing the hard part – they're actually responsible for the person she becomes.'

'Please,' Kurt scoffs, 'You grew her inside of you for nine-months – I'd say that was plenty hard. Besides, Eloise is too cute to be considered a chore.'

As if on cue, Blaine comes outside holding a bundle in his arms. A hush falls over them all as they watch him carry her over to the armchair and sit down, before holding up a bottle in his left hand and gently placing it in her mouth. She gargles happily for a second before latching onto the nub and sucking at the milk.

Everyone crowds around to look at her as she feeds. She doesn't seem bothered by the crowd, flapping her arms up and down as she eats, eyes darting over each person with a strange sense of curiosity; as though she can't quite work out what's going on.

'How old is she now?' Santana asks Kurt, not taking her eyes off Eloise.

'She was four months last week, July 2nd is her birthday,' He tickles her toes slightly and she kicks them in response, 'She's getting really curious now – all she wants to do is look around, we can tire her out by taking her to the mall or the park and just letting her watch everything.'

Santana smiles at Blaine as he gently takes the empty bottle away from Eloise and lifts her up to his shoulder, patting her back in a circular motion.

'Well I know I'm single,' Mercedes shoots Sam a funny look as she speaks, 'But is anyone else popping out a baby anytime soon? Because I want some of that cuteness near me in New York.' She looks rather pointedly at Rachel, Jesse, Santana and Brittany, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Rachel shakes her head, 'I'm letting my body recover fully from this one before we even think about it.'

Jesse nods along with her in agreement, 'We both want to do another Broadway show before we get tied down with kids.'

Everyone turns their attention to Santana and Brittany.

'We haven't really spoken about it,' Brittany shrugs.

Quinn rolls her eyes, 'Oh please, don't pretend I don't know why your apartment has a spare room. And don't day it's for me to stay in because you deliberately didn't furnish it.'

Santana shrugs this time, 'Yeah, but that doesn't mean we're going to do it right away,' She rubs Brittany's shoulder, 'We're waiting till our jobs are steadier.'

It's not something they'd actually spoken about. In reality, Santana realizes, they'd never even had a proper conversation about the prospect of children. It was all an unspoken agreement – like when they were searching for apartments in New York Santana automatically clicked two-bedroom and Brittany hadn't even questioned it.

Mercedes scoffs, 'You two have the most secures jobs in New York. You've both been in your positions for years and I would not be complaining about those paychecks.'

It's true, Brittany's job at the dance studio pays well and Santana's job as a producer a high-profile radio station pays even more. Still, it was another one of those unspoken things – both of them putting some of their pay aside from each paycheck, collating it in a savings account, saving _for the future_ they called it, without referencing what that future was.

'Babies are expensive,' Brittany gives Mercedes a look, 'It'll cost even more for us with the treatments and stuff.'

Santana nods along, 'It's like ten thousand dollars per treatment. Healthcare might subsidize some of it, but it's not seen a medical necessity, so they might not,' She frowns, 'And the chances of it working the first time is like 30%. So, it ends up being a lot of money.'

Brittany takes her hand and pulls Santana's head down onto her shoulder, 'We'll have a baby when we're ready.'

She was surprised Santana took control of the situation, normally she got flustered whenever their parents brought up the topic, mumbling things about money and waiting. She knows they've never spoken about it, but they've always wanted to have kids and the fact that Santana has done the research makes her heart swell a little.

The other's drop the topic as Blaine asks if anyone wants to hold Eloise. There's a scramble as everyone tries to find a seat where they can comfortably hold the baby. She gets passed to Mercedes first who hold her close to her chest and tickles her tummy.

Santana snuggles in closer to Brittany as they settle on the ground, backs resting against the railing of the patio, 'She's cute,' Santana murmurs into her ear.

Brittany kisses the top of her head, 'Not as cute as our baby will be.'

'True.'

It's the first time it's been acknowledged out loud. _Their baby_. It rolls right off the tongue, _their baby_, a baby belonging to them. _Their child_. Santana thinks about what _their_ baby would look like – she smiles softly at the thought of a mini-Brittany with blue eyes and blonde hair, but darker skin like hers. She's pretty sure genetics don't work that way but thought of a perfect combination of the two of them makes her happy.

Kurt holds Eloise up, 'Do you two want to hold her?'

Brittany nods, looking at Santana for confirmation - she smiles in response. Kurt gently guides Santana's arm and lays Eloise down so that her neck sits in the crook of her elbow, supporting her head. Brittany moves her arm up to support Eloise's bottom and legs.

They're holding her together.

It feels nice, Brittany decides, to be with Santana like this. Eloise stares up at them with wide eyes, her gaze flitting between her and Santana, trying to decide who to stare at. Santana's face breaks into a wide smile as she looks down at her and she picks up her free hand and taps her nose. Eloise smiles up at them and gurgles happily, making grabby hands at Santana's finger, pulling it into her mouth, then she looks at Brittany and smiles at her too, reaching her arms out. Brittany moves her hand down and tickles Eloise's stomach. She squirms and grabs at Brittany's hand, curling her tiny fingers around Brittany's ring finger.

Santana and Brittany look at one another and smile softly.

They haven't spoken about _their babies _yet, but, Brittany thinks, they will have to soon.

\----------

It's Santana who brings it up first.

Since they got back from Lima, both of them had been avoiding the topic. Not because they didn't want to talk about it, but because they were extra busy with work as Brittany prepared for her dance school's Christmas concert and Santana worked longer hours at the radio station as the holiday season got closer – the station held a fundraiser every year and as a music producer, Santana was in charge of finding celebrities to perform at the event, which wasn't really what a music producer was supposed to do, but Santana loved her job.

It's an evening in late January and they're lying together on the couch, watching the snow fall slowly outside. There was a big blizzard scheduled to come through in the next few days, but for now, it was snowing lazily, just enough to coat the ground in a thin layer.

Brittany's stroking Santana's hair when Santana speaks, 'Do you want to have a baby?'

The question catches Brittany off guard, because even though they've been subtly planning this for years – she wasn't expecting Santana to bring it up yet. 'Yeah,' She replies after a pause, 'Do you?'

'Yeah,' Santana gazes up at her, 'I've just been thinking. I'll probably be up for a promotion at work in the next few years and I'll be busier, and I won't have as much time.'

Brittany nods, 'We can wait if you want. Wait longer until you've got the position and you're more settled.'

Santana sits up, disentangling herself from Brittany's arms and turning to face her, 'No. I've been thinking maybe we do it sooner.'

'Oh,' Is all Brittany can manage.

'We don't have to,' Santana says quickly, seeing Brittany's hesitation, 'I just thought that we'll be waiting at least another five years then and if we want to have more than one -' She gets a startled look on her face, 'Not that we have to…' She trails off, looking down nervously.

Brittany places her hands on her cheek and pulls her head up to look at her, 'I'm happy to do it sooner.'

'Really?' Santana's eyes light up.

'Really,' She kisses Santana softly, 'I think we'll be okay money-wise.'

'Yeah,' Santana relaxes into the kiss, 'How soon is sooner?'

Brittany shrugs, 'This year, next year? Whenever we're comfortable.'

'Do you -' Santana wrings her hands together, 'Do you want to carry the baby?' Her voice is quiet.

'I'm not sure,' Brittany says carefully, 'I do, at some point… It's just -' She pauses at the uncertain look on Santana's face, 'It's scary,' She says finally, 'Especially with dance. My body's going to change, and I won't be able to move the same way. I don't know how I feel about that,' She admits.

Santana keeps wringing her hands together and looks down again, 'I can do it the first time,' She almost whispers, 'If you don't mind.' She looks nervous.

Brittany lifts her face up again, smiling as she looks in Santana's eyes, 'Is that something that you'd like to do?' She holds Santana's gaze.

Santana nods slowly, 'I'd really like to do that,' She whispers.

Brittany grins, 'Well then, of course, you can,' She kisses Santana again, 'I would love it if you had my baby.'

A tiny smile spreads over the corners of Santana's mouth, 'Really?'

'Yeah,' She presses another kiss to Santana's mouth and then leans down to kiss her stomach over her sweater, 'And besides – you're going to look so hot pregnant.'

Santana blushes, 'Britt?'

'Mmmm.'

'Is it okay if we wait a little bit, just so I can wrap my head around it?' She asks shyly.

Brittany pulls her into a hug, letting her head fall on her chest, 'Of course. You just let me know when you're ready, baby.'

\----------

They're on a lunch date in late April when Santana brings it up again.

She reaches over and grabs Brittany's hand across the table, 'I'm ready,' Is all she says.

Brittany looks at her in confusion, 'What?'

'I'm ready,' Santana repeats.

Brittany stares at her for a few more moments before it clicks. She starts grinning uncontrollably, 'You're ready?'

'Yeah,' Santana swipes the back of Brittany's hand with her thumb, 'I'm ready.'

'Wow,' Brittany thinks she might start crying, 'Okay, we'll start to sort it out then.'

Santana smiles at her and leans across the table to kiss her, 'I love you.'

'I love you, too.'

Brittany doesn't stop grinning as they eat and walk back to their apartment. She keeps looking at Santana and imagining what she would look like pregnant; imagining what she'll look like with _their baby _growing inside of her.

They flop onto the couch together once they get inside, Brittany immediately takes the opportunity to lie on top on Santana and press soft kisses to her stomach on top of her t-shirt. She lifts the material up and kisses her again, just above her bellybutton.

Santana giggles, 'I'm not even pregnant yet, babe.'

'I know,' Brittany smiles into her stomach, 'I'm just letting your body know that we want the baby, and -' She kisses again, her lips tickling Santana, 'That we're going to love the baby.'

Santana tugs on her arm, 'Get up here.'

Brittany complies and leans up to kiss her lips, but keeps her hand pressed against her stomach, running her fingers over the soft skin, feeling the muscles underneath.

Santana hums into her mouth and sighs, pulling back slightly, 'We need to go over the financial stuff to make sure we can afford it,' Brittany kisses her again, 'And, we need to finalize what clinic we want to go to and familiarize ourselves with their procedure.'

Brittany pulls away, 'I thought we'd done all the research already?' She grins, 'I know you have a folder with all of the clinic information inside.'

'I do, but I wanted to go over it with you,' She leans up strokes Brittany's cheek, 'This baby is _ours_; we need to make the decisions together.'

'Okay,' Brittany nods, feeling her heart swell in her chest as Santana refers to the baby as though it already exists, 'But first -' She starts trailing kisses down Santana's neck and looks up at her seductively, 'We should try to make the baby ourselves…'

Santana laughs and pushes her away, 'It doesn't work like that,' She pouts playfully.

Brittany keeps kissing her throat, 'Doesn't mean we can't try.'

'Hmmm,' Santana moans as Brittany sucks on her collarbone, 'Let's make a baby.'

Brittany pushes her back onto the couch, 'Let's make _our_ baby.'

\----------

Santana's leg bounces rapidly as they sit on plastic in the waiting room. Her handles are tangled with Brittany's, squeezes as tight as she can. She's more nervous than she's been in a long time, this is something bigger than just her – this is about creating a new life.

Brittany rubs her thigh soothingly, 'Hey, it's okay. It's just a consultation appointment.'

'I know,' Santana leans her head down on Brittany's shoulder, 'But I'm worried they'll find something that means I can't carry our baby.'

Brittany's heart still jolts at the thought of _their baby_ – it's so exciting and she feels nothing but joy when she thinks of mini-Santana's running around. 'Baby,' She says quietly, 'I'm not saying they will, but if they do -' She pauses, 'We'll work it out. There are other ways to get a baby. But -' She kisses Santana's head, 'Everything will be fine.'

Santana nods just as a nurse walks into the room and calls, 'Lopez-Pierce?'

They stand up and keep their hands linked as they follow the nurse down the hallway. She opens the door to a consultation room and looks down at the form they filled out when they arrived, 'Santana?' She looks between the two of them and smiles when Santana nods at her, 'There's a gown on the table,' She points to the examination table, 'Strip down and put it on, then get comfortable and Dr Hammon will be with you in a few minutes.' She smiles again before she closes the door, giving them some privacy.

Brittany folds Santana's clothes on the chair as she pulls them off and helps her tie the back of the gown. Santana lets out a sigh as she climbs onto the table and stretches her legs out, holding onto Brittany's hand like it's a lifeline.

Brittany brushes Santana's hair out of her eyes with her free hand and kisses her forehead gently, murmuring words of encouragement softly.

The door swings open and a friendly-looking man enters, 'Good morning,' He says with a smile, 'You must be Santana and Brittany.' They nod. 'I'm Dr Hammon; I'm going to do a few tests today and figure out the best way to proceed, sound good?'

He talks to both of them, not just Santana, and she feels herself relax – Brittany's inclusion making her feel less alone. She's not alone, she reminds herself, Brittany is doing this with her; they're doing this together.

Dr Hammon settles on a stool before he speaks again, 'You want to do IVF?

'Yes.'

He nods, 'Okay, Santana, I'm going to check your vitals first, then take a blood sample and do an ultrasound.'

His voice is calming, and Santana relaxes further, loosening her grip on Brittany's hand as he takes her blood pressure.

She closes her eyes as he pulls out a needle and Brittany strokes her forehead as he draws blood from her arm. 'All done,' he announces, pulling the needle away, 'They'll test this in the labs and get back to us, I'll call you once I have the results.' He smiles at them, 'I'm going to do an ultrasound of your uterus, Santana. Since we need a clear image of the uterus, I'm going to do it transvaginally,' He holds up a wand-like object, 'It shouldn't hurt at all, but might be slightly uncomfortable – let me know if you feel any pain.'

Santana nods and slides her legs up, so her knees are bend. She feels the wand slide in and turns her head to face Dr Hammon as he looks at the screen. Brittany kisses her forehead, 'You okay?' She asks softly.

'Yeah, I'm feeling less jittery,' Santana smiles. As each step in the consultation got ticked off she felt herself calm down – one step closer to being cleared to carry their baby.

'Alright,' Dr Hammon says, 'Everything looks good there. So, assuming the results of the blood test come back normal, there's no reason we can't start the procedure in a week.'

Santana and Brittany share an excited look.

'Just one thing,' Dr Hammon says, 'Santana, it says here that you take Escitalopram for anxiety?' She nods in confirmation. 'How long have you been taking that for?'

'Um, since I was fourteen,' She frowns.

He nods, 'Okay. You're on a moderate dose, but it can be harmful to pregnancy and I would recommend that you stop taking it to reduce the risks that come along with it.'

Santana nods nervously, not quite knowing what to do. She's been on that medication for over ten years – she doesn't quite know what will happen if she stops. Brittany squeezes her hand encouragingly.

Dr Hammon stands up, 'I'll call you in the next few days with the blood test results. Before then, I'd like you to book an appointment for a week's time, where we can start you on a hormone plan.' He smiles at them again, 'I'll get the receptionist to email you our donor list so you can make a selection.'

He exits the room, leaving Santana and Brittany alone.

'Next week,' Santana breathes, 'Oh my god next week!' She gasps excitedly.

Brittany kisses her, 'We better get home and start looking through that list.'

Santana gets changed and they walk back to the waiting room hand in hand, Brittany scrolls through her phone calendar and schedules them for their second appointment on the next Tuesday.

They get in their car, hands still linked together over the middle console. Brittany sighs as she drives, 'You know,' She says with a smile, 'If by some crazy miracle this works the first time, we'll have a baby this time next year.'

Santana does the math quickly in her head – if it worked the first time the baby would be an April baby, it was mid-May. She grins, 'Yeah, I guess we will, or -' Her smile turns slightly sad, 'Even if it doesn't work the first time, there will be one on the way this time next year.'

'Yeah,' Brittany leans over and kisses her at the next stoplight, 'I can't wait to meet our baby.'

'I can't wait to meet our baby, either.' Santana smiles.

\----------

Dr Hammon calls two days later to tell them that the blood test came back normal and they could proceed with their appointment the next week.

When they arrive at the appointment, they're filled with nervous excitement. Hopefully, today they would receive their prescription of hormone shots and could start actually preparing Santana for their baby.

Santana feels much less anxious today – they'd ticked off the steps in making sure she was healthy. All she had to do was hope that babies actually liked her body and wanted to stay there, and that's what the hormone shots were for, to give them as many chances as possible to have their baby.

Dr Hammon smiles when they enter his office and assures Santana he won't draw any more blood today. 'I have good news; I'm going to prescribe you your shots today.'

Santana and Brittany hug each other tightly and Brittany feels a strong urge to jump up and down with joy.

They stay in the room while Dr Hammon shows Brittany how to administer the shots and explains to the when to start the process. He looks at Santana's period cycle and tells them that since it occurs on a regular cycle, they should be able to begin the shots on the first day of her cycle the following week.

For the first time in her life, Santana is excited to get her period. When she wakes up on June 4th and feels familiar cramps low in her abdomen, she wakes Brittany up before she even goes to the bathroom, 'Britt,' She shakes her, 'Britt, wake up.'

Brittany grumbles and rolls over, 'What?'

'My period started!'

Brittany sits up, 'What?'

'My period started!'

Brittany immediately pulls her into a hug and kisses the side of her face repeatedly, 'I'll go to the pharmacy this afternoon and get out prescription!'

That night, Santana lies face down on the bed and kicks off her underwear.

Brittany uncaps the needle. Looking down at Santana for confirmation, she pauses seeing the uncertain look on her wife's face. 'Look,' She moves the needle into Santana's eyeline, 'It's just like your EpiPen – nothing to be scared off.'

Santana shakes her head, 'I've been stabbed with an EpiPen exactly two times and it was not nice, it hurt a lot.'

'Probably a lot less than your throat closing up though,' Brittany shrugs, then smiles a little, 'We're making our baby Santana, just a little bit of pain that way we can have our baby.'

Santana's lips curl upwards, she nods and reshuffles herself, 'On three,' She says.

'One,' Brittany lifts the needle up.

'Two,' Santana clenches her eyes shut.

'Three,' Brittany stabs the needle downwards, pressing the button as it imbeds in the soft flesh along Santana's hipline. Santana lets out a yelp. 'Sorry,' Brittany pulls the needle away quickly, 'Sorry, baby. All done now.'

Santana rolls over and kisses her, 'Just fourteen more day to go.'

'Fourteen more days and then we'll be one step closer to having our baby,' Brittany kisses her back.

'Our baby,' Santana grins.

'Yeah,' Brittany smiles, 'Our baby.'

\----------

'Santana.'

A voice cuts into the haze of her sleep.

'Santana.'

Something brushes across her eyelids softly.

'Santana, baby.'

She knows it's Brittany's voice, but she can't quite pull herself out of sleep and open her eyes.

'Santana,' Brittany's voice is closer to her ear now, 'It's time to wake up.'

She struggles to force her eyelids open and tries to nuzzle deeper into the bed – deeper into Brittany. Her side hits metal instead.

'Santana, they're all done. We're so close to having our baby.'

She remembers where she is - in the clinic, getting her eggs extracted so they can fertilize them. She feels a smile curl at the corner of her lips and tries to open her eyes again. She's successful this time and blinks for a moment until Brittany comes into focus.

'Hi,' Brittany kisses her forehead, 'How are you feeling?'

She keeps blinking, 'Good,' She mumbles sleepily.

'Not sore at all?'

She shakes her head, 'Nope.'

At that moment Dr Hammon comes into the room and gives them a warm smile and begins checking Santana's vitals, 'Everything went well,' He says while reading Santana's blood pressure, 'We were able to extract six eggs and we've sent them down to the labs to be fertilized.'

'Six?' Brittany asks, 'That's less than average.'

Dr Hammon gives them a calming look, 'Every woman is different, they all respond to the medication in different ways. Hopefully, we can successfully fertilize all six eggs and give you many chances to have your baby.' He finishes taking Santana's temperature and smiles again, 'I'll get the nurse to bring in the discharge paper's and I'll see you next week.'

Brittany helps Santana get up slowly and hands her a dress to throw over her head. The weather is surprisingly cool for the middle of June, but still warm enough that she'll be comfortable in a dress.

She kisses Santana's cheek as she stands sleepily while Brittany finalizes the discharge papers and helps her walk outside to the car. She buckles her in before she climbs into the car herself.

She's glad that they're done with the injections – at least for now – she's pretty sure Santana had gotten every possible side effect. She had bruises all over her lower back from the needles, and even though she wasn't pregnant yet she'd been nauseous and had a fairly constant headache. To top it all off, she'd gone off her anxiety pills and she'd been uneasy – mostly due to fear of how she was going to act without them than actual anxiety.

Brittany had tried to help her as much as she could, but there wasn't a lot she could do. She felt guilty jabbing Santana with needles every evening, especially when they made her feel so horrible. Santana had assured her that it was fine, and all of the horrible feelings would be worth it in the end when they were holding their baby.

Santana seems to sense her brain wiring with thoughts and grabs her hand as they exit the car and head to the elevator, nodding at Frank on the way. She kisses Brittany's cheek as they step into their apartment, 'What's going on in that brilliant brain?'

'Just thinking,' Brittany heads to their bedroom to take her shoes off, pausing at the entry of the spare room, _their baby's room._

'About?' Santana wraps her arms around Brittany from behind.

'Our baby, the process it's taking to get them,' She sighs. 'I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't work.

Santana kisses her shoulder, 'Then we'll try again and again and again – we'll try a million times if we have to.'

'I know,' Brittany leans back into Santana, 'But we just want this so badly and it's going to break my heart if we need to go through it all again.'

Santana pulls her in closer and places another kiss on her shoulder, 'All we can do now is wait and hope for the best. I'll be devastated if it doesn't work, but -' She kisses just below Brittany's ear, 'We know the chances aren't great, so all we can do it hope that it does work.' She grins, 'I can get my Abuela to send her prayer dolls if we want.'

'Prayer dolls?'

'Yeah, they're these creepy little things that you pray on and put under your pillow.'

Brittany spins around and kisses her lip, 'I think we can survive without those. Luck has always been on our side, pushing us together. We just gotta hope.'

'Seventeen days and we'll know if we're having a baby.'

'Seventeen?'

'Yeah,' Santana nods, 'Five till they implant it and twelve till I can take the pregnancy test.'

'And then we'll know if we're having a baby.'

\----------

The twelve-day wait to take the pregnancy test is one of the longest waits of Santana's life.

Dr Hammon told them that while an at-home test is normally accurate, the hormones that she took might affect the result, so whether the test comes back positive or negative they still need to come to see him within 24 hours of taking the test for a blood test to confirm the result.

They buy three tests the day of the implantation. Of the four eggs that survived the fertilization process, they'd only had one implanted. Normally doctors recommended two, but since Santana was so young, the chance that both of them would take was higher and since they couldn't realistically support two babies at once; Dr Hammon told them it was best if they only implanted one.

Based on Santana's health and age, Dr Hammon had also said that chances for success were higher than average, sitting at around 50%.

This meant that the chances of it failing were equal to the chances of it working.

Santana tried to stay calm, just in case there was a baby growing inside of her – she didn't want to increase the chances of anything happening to the baby, but she was still incredibly anxious.

She felt hot and flustered constantly, an effect caused by both the summer humidity that had settled over New York and the hormones that were flowing through her body – baby or no baby.

It was a combination of the heat and nerves that meant she couldn't sleep the night before she was able to take the test. Her heart pounded as she lay in bed, staring at her stomach as though she would somehow gain x-ray vision and be able to see if there was a baby in there. Brittany was drifting in and out of sleep, murmuring comforting words to Santana every now and then before shifting slightly, her breathing evening out. She keeps her hand pressed softly to Santana's stomach though, as though she can sense Santana's comfort even while she's asleep.

When the clock flicks over to midnight, Santana briefly considers waking Brittany up to go take the test straight away. But Brittany looks so peaceful in her sleep that she decides against it, opting instead to slow her own breathing down to the pace of Brittany's and breath deeply, trying to soothe herself to sleep.

'Santana,' Brittany shakes her awake, 'It's time.'

Santana stares up at Brittany's grin and realizes she must have fallen asleep at some point; she rolls to the side and looks at the clock, 6 am, only just barely an acceptable time to be awake on a Monday morning. She sighs as nerves flutter through her body again.

'Baby,' Brittany kisses her, 'We can wait if you want to, until you feel comfortable. I can make you breakfast, or we could go out -'

Santana interrupts her, 'No,' She says, dragging herself out of bed, 'Let's just get it over with.'

Brittany follows her into the bathroom and bends down to open the cabinet, pulling out the pregnancy tests and unboxing them quickly, 'One at a time or all at once?'

'All at once.'

Brittany laughs nervously as Santana sits on the toilet. Santana sends her back a small grimace as she pees. Santana puts the sticks on the counter and slides down to the floor. Brittany set the timer on her phone then slides down next to her.

'Whatever they say,' She says, kissing Santana's head, 'I still love you.'

Santana nods, 'I know we shouldn't be too hopeful about the first attempt, but I have a really good feeling about this.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah,' Santana smiles, 'It's a weird feeling, but I feel really good.'

They sit in silence as the timer counts the remaining time down. It goes off and Brittany switches it off, but neither of them moves from their spot on the floor.

'I love you,' Santana says.

'I love you, too,' Brittany echoes.

'On three?'

'On three.'

'One.'

'Two.'

'Three.'

They both jump up and turn around staring at the tests on the counter.

'Oh my god!' Brittany lets out a squeal as she sees three tiny plus signs staring back at her. She pulls Santana into a hug and starts kissing all over her face. Santana just stares at the test in shock. 'Baby,' Brittany holds her close, 'We're having a baby.'

Santana's shock dissipates at Brittany's excitement, joy flooding her body, 'We're having a baby!' She kisses Brittany hard on the lips, 'We're having a baby!'

Brittany kneels down and pulls up Santana's shirt, kissing all her stomach, 'Hi baby,' She says in a soft voice that makes Santana's heart melt, 'I'm your mommy and we can't wait to meet you,' She kisses just below Santana's bellybutton, 'You stay put though,' She says sternly, 'Your mama will take good care of you until you're ready to come out.'

Santana's pretty sure her heart grows in size watching Brittany talk to her belly; watching Brittany talk to _their baby._

Brittany makes a hasty call to Dr Hammon, who confirms he still wants to see them in the afternoon, even though three positives most likely aren't incorrect.

She drags Santana back to bed and lays down with her head next to Santana's stomach, staring at the flat expanse of skin. It's hard to imagine that _their baby_ is in there – but they are.

She smiles up at Santana and runs her fingertips across her tummy, 'That's our baby.'

Santana grins back, 'Yeah, it is.'

\----------

Santana feels vaguely like she's been run over by a truck. She groans and clutches her stomach as she leans over the toilet bowl. Brittany rubs her back in tiny circles as she empties the contents of her stomach. She retches one last time and sits back, pressing into Brittany's legs as she sighs. Brittany leans over and fills up a glass of water, passing down to Santana who takes a small sip.

'You okay?' Brittany asks gently, sitting down behind Santana and pulling her in close.

Santana nods, 'Yeah, I think so.' She pulls a face, 'Still a little nauseous though.'

'Hopefully, the morning sickness will end soon,' Brittany kiss her cheek, 'I'm sorry that the baby is making you feel so awful.'

'Hopefully,' Santana moves Brittany's hands to her stomach – there's not really any visible signs of the baby yet, just a bit of pudginess that they both know wasn't there before but wasn't noticeable to anyone else. Santana smiles, 'They're the size of a lime now.'

'A lime,' Brittany grins, 'They're getting big.'

Santana turns her head to kiss her, 'Dr Hammon should be able to them on the ultrasound today.'

'I know.'

'I feel weird about that,' Santana confesses, 'Like, I know they're there, but seeing them makes it so much more real.'

Brittany hums, 'Yeah, but it's already real, and -' She punctuates her words with a kiss, 'You are amazing.'

Santana curls back into Brittany, 'Twelve weeks,' She says, 'Almost out of the danger zone.'

'Yep,' Brittany starts pulling Santana to her feet, 'Two more weeks and we can start telling people if we want to.'

Santana gives her a giant smile.

'Now,' Brittany opens the bathroom door, 'I need to make you breakfast again – since you threw up the first one. I'll make something different since baby didn't like pancakes.'

She pecks her lips, 'Thank you,' Santana smiles into the kiss.

Santana had the day off work so they could go to their appointment, and Brittany didn't work until the afternoon. So, they spent the rest of the morning cuddled up on the lounge, Brittany placing the occasional kiss on Santana's belly or whispering to the baby.

It makes Santana so happy to see Brittany interacting with the baby – she'd been worried at first that Brittany wouldn't feel as connected to the baby because she wasn't carrying it, but the amount of love she has for the tiny human inside Santana is incredible. Brittany doesn't care that she's not carrying the baby; she just cares that it's _theirs_.

Santana is nervous again as they wait in the clinic, her foot taps anxiously against the ground. They're seeing _their baby _today, actually seeing them and hearing their heartbeat. Brittany keeps her hand on Santana's belly rubbing it softly to calm her down, it's a silent message to tell her everything will be okay.

Dr Hammon enters the room and asks Santana's how she's feeling as he sets up the ultrasound machine.

'Alright, been having pretty horrible morning sickness, but nothing crazy.'

He nods, 'That should settle down in the next few weeks, but if it doesn't, I can prescribe you some stronger anti-nausea medication at your next appointment.' He smiles, 'Now, Brittany would you like to lift her shirt up.'

Brittany nods eagerly and complies, pulling Santana's shirt up over her stomach and letting it bunch just below her bra-line. Then she grabs Santana's hands and squeezes them tightly, sending a smile her way.

Dr Hammon warns Santana about the cold, and she hisses slightly as the blue gel hits her stomach. 'Alright,' He says, 'I'm just going to press firmly and try and find the heartbeat.'

Brittany grips Santana's hands tighter as he places the wand on her stomach and starts moving it around, her eyes glued to the screen. After a few moments a blob comes into focus, Dr Hammon moves the wand slightly to the left and the blob moves. Suddenly it is clearly identifiable as a baby, a very small one, but Brittany can make out a head and a body and legs curled upwards. She gasps as tears start welling in her eyes.

A loud sound fills the room, echoing in the small space. It's a fast thump, like a horse galloping. Tears spill out of Brittany's eyes, because that's her baby; that's _their baby_, and it's alive and well and she can hear their heart beating.

She looks down at Santana, who is staring at the screen memorized, tears in her eyes as well. She looks up when she feels Brittany's gaze. 'We did that,' She whispers, 'That's our baby.'

Brittany kisses her forehead, 'That's our baby.'

They keep staring at the screen as the sound of the heartbeat fills the room.

\----------

'We should have a nickname for the baby,' Brittany says, toothbrush between her teeth as Santana steps into the bathroom.

'What?'

'A nickname,' Brittany repeats, 'For the baby. You know, before they're born, and we don't know their name.' She spits out her toothpaste, 'Some people call their baby jellybean or stuff. We should do that.'

'Why?' Santana picks up her own toothbrush.

'We agreed we're not finding out the gender, but we should still call them something other than baby.'

'Okay,' Santana starts brushing her teeth, 'But you better get dressed or we're going to miss our flight.'

Brittany doesn't leave to get dressed, instead wrapping her arms around Santana, placing her hands over her stomach, 'Are you sure you're okay with going?'

Santana nods, 'They're renaming the auditorium after Finn, I want to go.' She rinses her toothbrush, 'Besides, it'll give us a chance to tell our families, otherwise we won't see them for another month, and this -' She gestures to her stomach, 'Is gonna pop any day now and it'll be more obvious.'

Brittany kisses her neck, 'Mmmm, I just don't want you getting sick on the plane.'

'I think the flight will be much better than the train ride or drive we normally do. It's not long, I'll be fine,' Santana spins around, 'Now go get dressed.'

They'd received an invitation in the mail two weeks ago, inviting them to the official renaming ceremony of the Finn Hudson Auditorium. They'd been reluctant at first, with Santana being nearly sixteen weeks pregnant, Brittany was worried that her morning sickness would still be too bad, and she would be miserable the whole time. The added concern was that she was going to start showing properly at any point in the next few weeks and they didn't want everyone in glee club knowing already, especially since they were only just in the safe zone and even then, there were still risks.

A week after receiving the invite, however, Santana's morning sickness was subsiding, and while she was still sick, it was at least actually sticking to the morning now and not plaguing her all hours of the day. Santana was insistent they go; it would be a good opportunity for them to see their families and tell them their good news.

Their flights lands in Lima at 4 pm on Saturday, they don't need to be at the auditorium until midday on Sunday. They decided to invite Santana's parents to Brittany's house for dinner on the Saturday night, that way they know before Santana's inevitable bout of sickness in the morning makes them suspicious.

Santana thinks Brittany is more nervous than she is as they exit the terminal and head outside to find her parents and Ashley who are going to drive them back to her house. They'd tried to insist that they get a hotel for the stay, but Whitney and Pierce had told them the house was still Brittany's home and they could use her room and wouldn't have to pay.

'Brittany! Santana!' A voice calls out as they look around for Brittany's family, Santana turns in the direction of the sound when something zips past her and slams into Brittany. It takes her a few seconds to realize it's Ashley hugging her sister and not some random person tackling her wife.

'Hey, Ash,' Brittany says, voice muffled slightly by the hug.

Ashley pulls back slightly and quietly says, 'I missed you.'

'It hasn't been that long,' Brittany grins, 'We were here for your graduation.'

Ashley pulls away and turns to hug Santana, 'I know, but it feels like a long time.'

'That's because -' Santana pokes her arm, 'You're not doing anything to pass the time.'

Ashley groans, 'I've told everyone a million times I'm only taking one semester off, I need a break before college kicks my ass.'

Brittany slings her arm over her sister's shoulder, 'And it will, because you're super smart and decided to do law.'

At that moment, Whitney and Pierce catch up to their younger daughter and pull Brittany and Santana into a hug, 'Girls! It's so good to see you!'

They talk as Pierce takes their bags and helps them carry them to the car. Brittany tells them about the new students at her dance studio and the preparation for the winter showcase, while Whitney tells them all the gossip from Lima.

They get to the Pierce's house and Whitney sends them upstairs to get settled while she finishes dinner.

Santana's just hoping out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Brittany gives her a nervous look and groans, 'Why am I so worried about this, they're going to be so excited.'

Santana pulls on her underwear before wrapping her arms around Brittany, 'You're worried because this -' She places Brittany's hand on her stomach, 'Has been our secret for a while and it's going to be weird to share it with other people.'

Brittany kisses her softly, then nudges her to get dressed before they go downstairs. Santana pulls on a pair of jeans – a new pair that are only one size bigger but just barely button up over her stomach – and a loose t-shirt that Brittany is pretty sure was hers at some point and loops her fingers through Brittany's.

They head downstairs and greet Maribel who has just arrived, answering the same questions about their lives that they had told Whitney and Pierce earlier. The doorbell rings again and Santana excuses herself to go answer it. She pulls her dad into a tight hug the moment she opens the door, being careful to hold her stomach away from him – she knows he won't be able to tell but something about the fact that he's a doctor makes her nervous that he'll notice.

'Baby,' He hugs her back, 'How are you?'

She pulls him into the kitchen to join everyone else and asks Whitney if there's anything she can do to help as she starts putting food on plates ready to be carried to the table.

Santana feels her nerves start to set in as everyone sits down; they actually have to do this now. She grabs Brittany's hand under the table as they eat, squeezing it in reassurance. They hadn't selected an exact way to tell everyone but were fairly certain that the topic of conversation would turn to children eventually and they would be able to bring it up.

It only takes about five minutes.

Maribel is asking Ashley about school – since she's already got her place at Yale Law School and she discusses what electives she wants to take and what area of law she hopes to get into.

Whitney smiles at the discussion and gives Ashley a proud look, 'My babies are growing up. This one's graduated high school and is going to be a lawyer, and this one -' She looks at Brittany, 'Is married and has such a good job,' She smiles, 'I'm so proud of both of you.'

Brittany smiles softly at Santana and gives her a look that says _wait for it._

Whitney huffs, 'Soon Ash is going to be married too, and these two will start having babies.'

Santana gives Brittany a tiny nod, telling her to speak. 'Actually -' Brittany says.

Everyone freezes and turns to look at them, Maribel lets out an audible gasp.

'That baby,' Brittany continues, 'Might be here sooner than you expect.'

There's silence for a moment – just long enough for Santana to panic, thinking maybe everyone thinks it's too soon, that they're too young; all of the horrible thoughts rush into her brain at once.

Then everyone starts talking at once, so loudly and quickly that Santana can't actually make out what anyone is saying. Brittany gives her a look that says she can't tell what's happening either. She holds up her hand and says, 'Woah, one question at a time.'

Maribel starts, 'Which one of you?'

Brittany points to Santana and Maribel lets out a squeak and leans over to hug her daughter.

'How far along are you?' Whitney asks.

Santana grins, 'Sixteen weeks on Monday.'

Everyone starts speaking again, but this time all Santana can hear is everyone congratulating them. Brittany wraps her arms around Santana's shoulder and pulls her in tightly.

'Mija,' Maribel whispers in Santana's ear, 'I'm so happy for you.'

Santana smiles back at her mother, 'I'm really happy too.'

\----------

They're two of the last ones to leave Kurt and Blaine's the next afternoon.

It's just them, Quinn and Mercedes sitting on the couch in the living room while Kurt and Blaine make a pot of tea in the kitchen.

It had been a long day and the others had either headed home early or left to catch flights back to the various cities they lived in.

Brittany and Santana had a flight early the next morning – they had their sixteen-week check-up at midday since Brittany only had one Monday class in the evening and Santana had Monday's off, since the radio host she produced for took three day weekends to allow up-and-coming hosts to get a chance to be on air.

They sit curled up together on the couch, while Mercedes sits in the armchair and Quinn lies on the floor next to Eloise, who is babbling away as she picks up toys and plonks them on Quinn.

Quinn in turn, tickles the girl back, increasing her movements when Eloise giggles loudly and stretches her arms out to her, wanting to be picked up. Quinn lifts her into the air as she stands and taps her on the nose, 'Can you say Quinn?' She says in a baby voice.

Eloise giggles, 'No.'

Quinn pulls an exaggerated sad face, causing Eloise to laugh harder and tug at the ends of her hair.

'So,' Quinn says looking at them, 'I have some news.' She sits down next to Brittany on the couch. They look at her expectantly. 'I'm moving to New York.'

Santana grins, 'You miss us too much, don't you?'

'Don't be cocky, Santana,' Quinn winks at her playfully, 'I actually got a job offer at a big firm in Brooklyn and wanted to see Mercedes as often as possible, so I took it.'

Santana leans across Brittany and punches Quinn lightly in the shoulder, 'Bitch.'

Brittany throws her a look, 'There are children present, don't swear,' She turns back to Quinn, 'Congratulations, I'm really proud of you – Santana is too.'

At that moment, Eloise leans over and makes grabby hands at Santana, 'Up,' She says, 'Up, up.'

Santana smiles at her, 'You want to come to Auntie Tana?' She reaches for the girl, 'Yes you do, yes you do!'

She takes Eloise from Quinn and settles Eloise on her lap, bouncing her knees slightly, 'I am happy for you Quinn,' She confesses, 'I'm glad you'll be closer to us too.'

'Baby!' Eloise giggles before Quinn can reply.

Santana freezes, looking down at Eloise.

'Baby!' She repeats again, poking Santana in the stomach with a tiny finger, 'Baby! Baby!'

She looks up at Brittany with a panic-stricken expression. Brittany stares back at her with a similar look.

Mercedes laughs, 'Mini-Hummel is suggesting something, you two, maybe you should listen… I want another baby to play with.'

Santana laughs nervously, unsure of what to say.

'Baby! Baby! Baby!' Eloise keeps babbling.

Kurt comes back into the room and scoops Eloise off her lap, 'Sorry,' He looks at Santana, 'That's her new favorite word, she says it to random women all the time.'

Santana nods and looks back at Brittany who pulls a funny face at the situation.

It's not until later as they head to the car to leave that Quinn catches up to them. 'I saw your faces in there,' She says bluntly, 'You two have the worst poker faces I have ever seen.'

'Quinn,' Brittany says, trying to think of a way to deter Quinn from the topic.

Quinn just smiles, 'Relax, I won't say anything until you're ready. But I'm happy for you both.' She hugs Santana, 'Don't stress too much.' She says before she leaves, 'You're going to be amazing parents.'

\----------

Santana wakes up slowly the Sunday two weeks after their visit to Lima, stretching her arms up lazily and then lowering them again to rest on her baby bump.

Her baby bump.

She gasps and pulls the cover back to look at her stomach. Sure enough, her belly was protruding slightly, just round enough that the fabric of her sleep shirt had risen up, stretched over her skin.

She shakes Brittany, 'Baby, wake up.'

Brittany rolls over and then sits up, 'What's wrong? Is it the baby?'

Santana shakes her head, 'No, look,' She pulls the covers completely off and scooches up the bed so Brittany can see her stomach.

Brittany's eyes widen as she stares at her wife's belly, 'Wow,' She breathes and then looks up at Santana, 'You popped!'

She leans down and presses a kiss to the exposed skin where Santana's shirt has risen up, 'Hi baby,' She says softly, 'It's good to know you're growing well inside your Mama,' She kisses again, 'You need to stay in there a little while longer.'

As she places another kiss just below her bellybutton, Santana feels something. It's strange, like a tiny flutter deep in her tummy. She gasps and Brittany pulls back.

'What?'

'Britt,' Santana moves her hands to her stomach, 'I think they just moved.'

'What?' Brittany repeats.

'I felt something,' Santana rubs her hand over her bump, 'Like a tiny butterfly was flapping its wings – that's what the websites say the first movements feel like.'

Brittany leans down and starts kissing her stomach again, 'Are you letting us know you're there, baby?' She asks quietly. She kisses the same spot, just below Santana's bellybutton, and she feels it again. The tiniest flutter, so tiny she can hardly feel it, but definitely there.

'Wow,' Santana coos, 'They know who their Mommy is.'

'You felt them again?'

Santana nods, 'Only when you kissed me right there.'

Brittany leans down and kisses the spot again. Santana feels the flutter. 'They're letting you know they love you,' Santana says.

Brittany kisses her stomach one last time before sliding up to kiss her lips, 'Not as much as I love them.'

'I love you, Britt, so much.'

'I love you, too.'

\----------

It's another three weeks for Brittany can feel the baby move.

They're taking a bath together, Santana curled against Brittany's chest, when she feels a now familiar flutter.

Except this time, it's much stronger and right where Brittany's hand is pressed against her stomach.

Brittany looks up at her in wonder, 'Was that?'

Santana nods.

_Their baby_ kicks again and again until tears of joy are flowing down Brittany's face as kisses the spot on Santana's belly where a tiny foot presses repeatedly.

It's perfect.

\----------

Santana wakes up at 5 am on April 2nd.

She groans as she turns her head and sees the time, flopping her head back on the pillow and pulling herself up the bed slightly, trying to get comfortable again. The one thing she wouldn't miss about being pregnant was the lack of sleep – especially now that she was nine months, she could barely get a solid hour in, without needing to pee or getting kicked particularly hard, or just getting uncomfortably hot, or hungry, or about a million other things causes by the baby.

Brittany really was amazing, attempting to stay up whenever she was, helping her waddle to the bathroom, or giving her a massage to help her back. But Brittany was still working, she would be until the baby was born so Santana eventually convinced her that she needed her sleep and she would be fine.

There's a week till her due date and as much as she wanted to meet their baby, she was also going to miss being pregnant – being able to feel the life growing inside of her. At the same time, she felt ready to be a mother, to care and love their baby as much as she could.

She was also very ready to be in control of her body again. For the past month, she'd been struggling to everything – she couldn't reach up for things or sit down comfortably; standing was hard too. Most mornings Brittany had to help her get dressed, because she couldn't get her legs into her pants on account of not being able to see her feet, and not being able to reach her feet.

She'd gone on maternity leave two weeks ago, to give her a month to prepare and rest before the baby arrives. The time off work had been very beneficial – she felt less stressed, and the anxiety that had been slowly rising had ebbed away a bit. She was also much more rested, as being home during the day meant she could sleep whenever she needed; the extra hours were just what she needed to keep her functional.

She sighs and decides that she really does need to pee. She tries not to shake the bed as she swings her legs to the side and hoists herself onto her feet. She wobbles for a second as her center of gravity readjusts.

She makes it about three steps away from the bed before she feels something pop and liquid gushes down her legs, onto the floor.

She freezes as her brain tries to process what's happening – well, she knows what's happening, but her brain tries to catch up to the fact that it's happening earlier than expected. _Shit._

'Brittany,' She calls, 'Brittany, wake up!'

Brittany rolls over to face her, 'What's up babe?' She mumbles, reaching across the sheets for her wife. When she realizes she's not lying down next to her she sits up quickly, 'Santana?' Her eyes meet Santana's.

'Not to alarm you,' Santana says, her voice much calmer than she's feeling, 'But my water just broke.'

It takes Brittany a second to process this, her eyes flitting between Santana's face and the floor. 'Oh!' She jumps up and runs around the bed, wrapping her arms around Santana, 'Should we go to the hospital?'

She shakes her head, 'I haven't had any contractions yet, I think we should call and ask before we go.'

Brittany nods, 'Here, lie down,' She helps Santana to the bed, 'I'll just get my phone and be right back.'

Santana sinks down onto the mattress, running her hands over her belly. She felt very calm about the whole thing, maybe because she thought she had longer and hadn't really expected it to happen. She isn't in pain yet, and even though she knows it's going to start soon, she's calm.

Brittany comes back into the bedroom, phone pressed against her ear. She sits next to Santana on the bed and pulls her towards her, massaging her shoulders gently. 'They said you don't need to come in until your contractions are closer and since you're not having any yet, they also said it'll probably be a while before we need to go.'

She sounds calm as well, which Santana is grateful for – if Brittany started freaking out, she would start freaking out.

Pain starts at the top of Santana's stomach and spreads down in a wave. She squeezes the sheets with her hands as she waits for the contraction to stop, Brittany rubs her shoulders more firmly, as the pain passes through her.

The moment the pain disappears, Santana feels herself relax again. Brittany reaches for her phone and taps the timer on. 'Was it bad?' Brittany asks.

Santana shakes her head, 'Kinda like a period cramp. I'm alright for now, can we just stay here?'

Brittany spreads her legs and pulls Santana in between them so her head is resting on her chest. She starts rubbing circles on the sides of Santana's stomach, pressing lightly. 'We get to meet our baby soon,' She whispers in Santana's ear and she can hear the excitement in her voice.

'Yeah,' Santana whispers back, 'So soon.'

They stay like that until the next contraction hits. Brittany keeps rubbing circles into her sides, 'Fifteen minutes apart, thirty-three seconds long,' She tells Santana after she relaxes again.

'It'll be a while yet,' Santana replies, feeling very tired.

Brittany kisses her head, 'Rest, for now, you'll need your strength later.'

It 's another five hours until they go to the hospital. The pain of the contractions are getting worse and Santana squeezes Brittany's hand tightly as she times them.

'Seven minutes apart, one minute long,' Brittany kisses her head, 'They said five minutes apart, but I think we should go now,' She smiles, 'I don't want to have to deliver our baby on the side of the road.'

She grabs the hospital bag that she'd packed while Santana was resting and kept her arm around her shoulders as they headed down the elevator and got in their car. She kept her hand in Santana's the whole way to the hospital, driving slowly, Santana squeezes her hand every time a contraction hits, but otherwise, they don't say a word.

Brittany had called ahead to let them know they were coming, so when they head to check-in, there's a wheelchair waiting to take them up to the maternity ward. Brittany keeps her hand on her shoulder as they go, pausing for a moment as she has a contraction, nodding at the nurse that she's okay and she can keep going.

They settle in the room and Brittany helps Santana pull off her nightgown and pull on the hospital gown, before climbing onto the bed herself and helping Santana get up and get comfortable between her legs; mimicking the position from earlier.

The nurse comes back a moment later to check how dilated Santana is, she smiles softly at them, 'Only four centimeters. You've just passed into active labor, but I'd say it'll still be a while, try to get some more rest.'

Two hours later, Santana has only dilated one more centimeter and was starting to get restless. Her contractions were closer together and more intense – she insists she doesn't want an epidural; it's what they agreed on and she doesn't want it no matter how much pain she's in. The nurse suggests going for a walk around the floor to try and speed things up.

Brittany leads her down the hallway and back a few times over the next hour, walking slowly while rubbing her back. She hates seeing Santana in pain, even if the pain means their baby is on the way, but she knows there's nothing she can do except support Santana as much as she can.

When they hop back on the bed, the nurse comes in to check again, 'Seven centimeters. Things will start to pick up now.'

They do.

The contractions increase in intensity, even more, getting closer together until they're only about a minute apart and essentially rolling into one another. Brittany can tell Santana's in a lot of pain based on the way she tenses, breathing hard as each contraction hits her. She stays behind her, rubbing her stomach until a midwife comes in an hour later.

She takes a look at Santana and nods, 'Alright, Santana, you're going to start pushing soon.'

Santana nods but looks terrified. Brittany kisses her shoulder and whispers in her ear, 'You're going to be amazing, I'm so proud of you.' She then looks up at the midwife, 'Can I stay here?' She gestures to her position behind Santana.

She nods, 'As long as your wife is comfortable, then it's fine.'

Santana clenches her teeth as another wave of pain rolls over her but nods her head and pulls Brittany's arms closer to her.

'On the next contraction, I need you to give me a big push, okay?' The midwife smiles encouragingly.

Santana nods. Brittany kisses her shoulder again and squeezes her hands tightly.

'One, two, three: push.'

Santana lets out a scream as she follows the instructions and squeezes Brittany's hands harder than ever before.

'Good work, Santana. And again, on three.'

Brittany keeps whispering in her as the midwife counts down again, 'I'm so so proud of you baby, you're doing incredible.'

Brittany thinks her fingers might be crushed as Santana screams and pushes – she doesn't pull them away though, knowing Santana needs the support. She's breathing heavily and sweat is pouring down her forehead. She's doing so well though, she hasn't given up, despite the pain.

She places more kisses on Santana's shoulder and keeps a constant stream of whispers going in her ear, speaking over her wife's screams to encourage her to keep going. They're so close to having their baby. Her heart is filled with love as she watches Santana push, she can't imagine the kind of pain she's in, but she keeps going. She'll keep going until they have their baby.

'Okay, Santana, you're crowning. One more big push for me.'

Santana screams louder than before, her teeth clenched, straining with the effort.

Silence fills the room for a moment.

Then the silence is broken by a loud cry.

Tears well up in Brittany's eyes at the noise, because that's their baby crying. They have a baby.

'It's a girl,' The midwife announces, holding her up for them to see, 'Brittany, would you like to cut the cord?'

Brittany nods and slides up a tiny bit so she can lean down and cut her daughter free. The moment the scissor snip, she's being passed up and placed gently in Santana's arms.

Brittany peers her head around Santana's shoulder and looks down at her daughter for the first time. Her cries have calmed to a low whimper and they continue to slow down as she is pressed into her mother. She's sticky and her hair is slicked back on her head from the moisture.

Her hair. Because she has hair, Brittany realizes, it's only a tiny tuft, but it's there. Dark like Santana's.

Santana runs a hand over her cheek, 'Hi baby,' She says softly, 'It's so nice to meet you, I'm your Mama.'

Brittany curls her arm around to touch her cheek as well, 'I'm your Mommy.'

Santana turns her head to kiss Brittany. She looks exhausted but so happy. 'She's beautiful.'

'Just like her Mama,' Brittany returns the kiss, then looks back down at their daughter, 'You did amazing.'

Santana lifts their girl slightly higher so Brittany can see her face more clearly, 'We did amazing,' She corrects.

Brittany stares at their daughter, 'Yeah, we did.'

\----------

Santana stares at Brittany holding their daughter in the armchair rocking her as she sleeps.

It's beautiful, the most beautiful thing Santana has ever seen. Brittany looks like a natural doing this, holding her so gently but still securely – she whispers things to her, just like she did when she was still in Santana's belly.

She's exhausted and after feeding her for the first time, Brittany had taken their daughter so she could get some rest. She can't pull her eyes away from Brittany and their baby though, she can't get enough of them together. She could watch it forever, and, she supposes, she will. She'll get to watch her as she grows up and the way she interacts with Brittany forever.

'She needs a name,' Santana isn't really aware that she wanted to speak, her tired body one step ahead of her brain.

'We can't just call her baby forever?' Brittany asks with a smile.

'I don't think she'll like us when she's a teenager if we did.'

'True.'

They lapse back into silence as Brittany keeps rocking her slowly. Standing up and making her way carefully to the bed and sliding in next to Santana. Santana kisses her cheek before she speaks, 'Do you have any ideas.'

Brittany nods, 'I have one, but I think it works best as a middle name.'

'What is it?' Santana looks at their daughter as she speaks, trying to picture what name would suit her delicate features.

'Zoe.'

Santana smiles, 'Why?'

Brittany hums softly and rubs her hand over Santana's cheek, 'It was my grandmother's name – the one you never met – but I think grandparent names should usually be reserved for middle names.' She kisses the spot where her finger was placed, 'Do you have any ideas?'

'Just one.'

'Hmmm.'

'Isobel.' Santana looks up shyly, worrying that Brittany won't like her selection.

'Why?' Brittany smiles encouragingly.

'It's something I've thought about a lot,' Santana looks into the deep blue of Brittany's eyes, 'But it means _in Gods oath_, and I know we're not religious – but I used to be,' She pauses, 'I want it as a reminder that if there is a God he loves us no matter what,' A smile crosses her face, 'Because he gave me you and her.'

Brittany kisses her softly, 'I think it's perfect.'

'Isobel Zoe Lopez-Pierce.'

For the first time in Santana's life, her heartbeats to something other than Brittany – now it's intertwined with something else. She smiles at her wife and daughter.

Brittany; Isobel; Brittany; Isobel; Brittany; Isobel…


	8. feels like home, stay in bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re thirty-three the first time they truly feel like they have everything figured out.   
It happens when they have everything they ever wanted.  
It happens when they’re happier than they’ve ever been before.   
It’s when people still give them strange looks at the park, or when parents refuse to let their kids have play dates.  
It’s when they don’t care about the looks.   
They just care about their family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the delay on this chapter. I wrote the rest of this story while procrastinating studying for my exams, and then after the exams were done I struggled to find the motivation to complete it.   
But, I finally have. I hope it was worth the wait, and that you like the way this ends.

They’re thirty-three the first time they truly feel like they have everything figured out.

It happens when they have everything they ever wanted.

It happens when they’re happier than they’ve ever been before.

It’s when people still give them strange looks at the park, or when parents refuse to let their kids have playdates.

It’s when they don’t care about the looks.

They just care about their family.

It begins on Mother’s Day 2028:

Santana wakes up slowly. The curtains have been pulled back and light is gently streaming in through the window, not bright enough to annoy her, but enough to pull her to consciousness. She can tell Brittany isn’t next to her anymore – partially because the curtains are open, and partially because she can’t feel Brittany’s arms wrapped around her the way they always are.

She opens her eyes, blinking away the sleep, letting the light wake her up. The bassinet next at the end of the bed is empty and Santana knows Brittany took the baby downstairs so she could get some rest. She’s grateful; this is the first morning in a long time that she’s slept past - she looks at the clock – 9 am. The baby monitor on Brittany’s bedside table is also silent, which means that their other children are also downstairs.

She closes her eyes again, content to get the rest that Brittany wants her to have. She knows - based on past behavior - that it won’t be long before one, or three, of her children, come in to wake her up.

As if on cue she hears the clambering of little feet coming up the stairs, followed by Brittany’s voice calling up after them, ‘Charlotte, don’t run up the stairs.’

Santana sits up, not wanting the wind knocked out of her when they inevitably jump on the bed. The door opens and Santana opens her arms to welcome her daughters onto the bed. Charlie immediately tries to jump up onto the bed, struggling as her pudgy toddler legs don’t quite reach the top of the mattress.

Isobel follows her in walking very slowly carrying a tray with food on it, trying not to spill it, she carefully lowers it onto the dresser in the corner, before sitting on the bed next to Santana and wrapping her in a hug and saying, ‘Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.’

Santana kisses her forehead, ‘Thank you, baby.’

‘Happy Mama’s ‘ay,’ Charlie echoes her older sister, still struggling to climb onto the bed.

Santana leans down and pulls her up into her arms, tickling her stomach as she does, smiling at the way the little girl laughs, ‘Thank you, other baby.’

Charlie snuggles into her chest and Izzy cuddles into her side just as Brittany enters the room as well, Max in her arms. Santana’s grin grows wider at the sight of her son, so tiny against Brittany’s chest. Charlotte is still pressed against her, so she doesn’t reach out to take him from Brittany, as much as she wants to.

It’s still a little bit strange, being a parent of three. There’s less of a gap between Charlie and Max than there is between Charlie and Isobel, only a year difference – Isobel turned four just before Charlotte was born, while Max was born a week before Charlotte’s third birthday.

It was different though; Isobel had calmed down from her crazy toddler years well before she was four and was generally a calmer child than Charlie to begin with. Charlie’s ‘terrible two’s’ seemed to be extending to just be ‘terrible toddler years’ – she may be adorable, but when she wanted too, she could scream loud enough to rival Rachel Berry.

Santana was finding it difficult, trying to evenly split her time between three kids instead of two, especially when one was a newborn that she had to spend more time with simply on account of the fact that she was the one who, most of the time needed to feed him.

When Izzy was born, both her and Brittany had taken time off work to get used to being parents and finding a routine. Obviously, her maternity leave had been longer, Brittany only took a month off. With Charlotte, it was very different for her, as Brittany was the one who carried her, she’d almost felt like it was less work for her as she went back to work after two weeks. She’d struggled a lot with that, not having the same connection to Charlotte as she did with Isobel, not because she didn’t give birth to her, but mostly because she couldn’t spend the same amount of time with her – she wasn’t home with her all day, most of the time she didn’t feed her, and because Brittany was looking after both Izzy and Charlie all day, she’d spent a lot of time with Izzy, giving Brittany a break from having to try and feed and watch a four-year-old at the same time.

It was something her and Brittany had discussed a lot, Brittany could tell she was anxious about her connection with their younger daughter. She didn’t want her to spiral, her anxiety taking over like it had in the past. Together they’d made sure that Santana spent more time with Charlotte, taking more of the night feeds, having more alone time with her in the afternoons and evenings.

Her worries were something that had factored into their decision to do reciprocal IVF for their last child – Santana carried Max, but they used Brittany’s eggs and also the same donor as they did for Isobel. The decision also meant that all of their children were biologically linked to one other, both of their daughters connected to Max. It wasn’t something they particularly cared about, but they’d agreed that it did stop homophobes from making claims that they weren’t a real family because they weren’t even related.

Max was so new that they were still adjusting to having another tiny person in their family. They’d been worried at first, that Charlie would react badly to no longer being the youngest, she was young enough that it wouldn’t really matter in a few years and would probably have no memory of Max not existing, but she was stubborn like Santana and didn’t like change, so they’d tried to prepare her as much as they could – telling her and Isobel very early on, reading lots of books about being a big sister, and showing her photos of when she was a newborn so she’d have an idea about what the new baby would look like and do.

The preparation appeared to be paying off so far, as Charlie seems to have accepted Max, interacting with him and wanting to help with his baths and picking out his outfits. Santana partially attributes this to the fact that she’s home all day, which means no babysitters or daycare, and since Max currently has exactly two states – awake and asleep – Charlotte is benefiting from a lot of Mama and Charlie time while Isobel is at school.

Santana had also worried about Izzy – she didn’t want her to feel like she wasn’t getting enough attention because she was the oldest. While she was old enough to look after herself to a certain degree, and was quite independent anyway, Santana still made sure that both her and Brittany placed focus on her, so that, despite the addition of Max, nothing about her regular routine shifted too much. Brittany still helped her with her homework every night, Santana still took her to her soccer training on Wednesdays and bought her ice-cream afterwards.

Brittany’s lips on her cheeks pull her out of her thoughts, she smiles at her wife, who seems to be able to tell that she was thinking too deeply. ‘Happy Mother’s Day, San,’ She whispers, ‘We made you breakfast.’ She pauses and giggles, ‘Well I made you breakfast, Iz, Charlie and Maxxy just watched.’

Isobel lifts her head off Santana and adds, ‘I carried it all the way up the stairs!’

Santana kisses her daughter’s forehead again, ‘I saw, you’re getting very strong.’ She looks up at Brittany, ‘You didn’t have to make breakfast, Britt - It’s your day too,’ She winks, ‘Happy Mother’s Day.’

‘I wanted to. You deserve to be pampered.’ She nudges Charlie with the arm not supporting Max’s head, ‘Move over Char so I can give Mama her breakfast.’

Charlie slides off Santana’s lap and curls into the space between her and the edge of the bed. Brittany places Max in his bassinet for a moment, retrieving the tray from where Isobel left it on the dress and placing it softly on Santana’s legs, before picking Max up again and walking around to her side of the bed and sitting on Isobel’s other side.

She tickles Max’s tummy as he squirms slightly in her arms. He stares up at her and she grins down at him, his blue eyes wide looking up at his Mom as he makes a small happy noise. She sees more of herself in him than in either of their other children, even though he’s so small, maybe he’ll grow out of the features but she looks down at his face and sees her own eyes and nose just miniaturized. It makes sense, Isobel has none of her genetics, and while Charlotte does, the brown hair and eyes of the donor seems to have overridden them – though her hair is getting lighter and lighter as she grows. Max, however, shares her genetics with the blonde hair, blue-eyed donor that they had selected so that Isobel might have obtained some of Brittany’s characteristics, meaning the recessive blue eyes have come through. While they might change as he grows, she hopes they don’t, mostly because she knows Santana wants nothing more than to have a mini-Brittany running around.

She thinks the way their family turned out is perfect; Isobel resembles Santana in a way that makes Brittany’s heart clench every time she looks at her, but shares so much of her personality with Brittany – quiet and reserved, but also free and kind and smart but in her own way. Charlotte is the most complex mix of both of them, hair that’s almost but not quite blonde, brown eyes and tanned skin, but with Brittany’s facial structure, she’s a lot like Santana in that she keeps a lot of her emotions inside of her so that they burst out all at once, she’s stubborn and bold, but she’s also very soft and graceful – she goes from running around the house at full speed to sitting in on Brittany’s dance classes and practically floating around ‘practicing’ her ballet. She doesn’t know how Max is going to turn out, but she knows Santana loves how much he looks like Brittany – a complete contrast to Isobel – but personality-wise it’s difficult to tell who he’ll take after. He’s a much calmer baby than Charlie, but not as calm as Isobel was, but he’s still quite fussy – he won’t sleep unless he’s being rocked exactly the right way, and he positively hates being bottle-fed.

She’s conflicted, because she wants her family to stay exactly the way they are right now, but she also wants to see their children grow and find out who they’ll become.

She senses Santana looking at her and tears her eyes away from Max’s to meet her wife’s, Santana is smiling softly as she stabs a piece of pancake with her fork and brings it to her mouth before handing the fork to Charlie so she can have a bite.

Santana told her once, shortly after Isobel was born that from the moment they met, she felt like her heartbeat to Brittany’s name but for the first time it wasn’t just Brittany, it was Isobel too.

It had confused her at first because she hadn’t understood what Santana had meant – she’d almost reached over and pressed her hand against Santana’s chest just to see if she could feel it. It reminded her of how different they were even though they complimented each other so well. Santana felt things so intensely, Brittany did too, but in a different way. Santana kept things inside, so that her emotions exploded like fireworks all at once, big and bold and bright. Brittany knew it was one of the reasons she lashed out at people when they were teenagers – she had so much going on inside her brain and she didn’t know what to do.

Brittany was the opposite; she loved Santana so deeply, but it wasn’t something she’d ever kept inside – even when others couldn’t see it, sometimes even when Santana couldn’t see it, she’d been expressing it. It’d been the way she’d always initiated kisses with Santana, slowly pulling down her walls, waiting for her to be ready and comfortable. It was the way she squeezed Santana’s hand tighter when someone stared at them at the park, letting her know she was there, and it was okay.

But looking at Santana now, with their children, she thinks she understands what Santana had meant. Her whole body felt like it was vibrating with joy and love for this woman and the lives they had created together.

Isobel taps her on the shoulder, and she drags her eyes away from her wife to look at their oldest daughter. ‘Can I hold Max?’ She asks.

Brittany nods and pulls one arm away to help Izzy sit up against the backboard, adjusting her hands and then gently passing Max over, making sure his head is supported. Izzy smiles at her brother, ‘He’s so little.’

‘He is,’ Santana says, ‘But he’s bigger than you were, you were tiny.’

‘Really?’ Isobel’s eyes widen.

‘Yep. You were a whole two pounds smaller.’

‘Wow.’ Isobel looks at her sister, ‘What about Charlie?’

Santana tugs on a few of Charlotte’s curls, ‘This one was the biggest baby I’ve ever seen.’

‘Hey,’ Brittany grins, ‘She wasn’t that big.’

Santana raises an eyebrow, ‘She was pretty big, babe.’

‘Maybe,’ Brittany concedes, leaning over Isobel and Santana to kiss Charlotte’s head, ‘But she was still so cute.’

Charlie’s eyes are fluttering closed, but she forces them open and looks up speaking around the thumb that’s worked its way into her mouth, ‘Thill cute.’

Brittany laughs a little at the lisp, but nods, ‘Yes, baby, you’re still very cute.’

‘You’re all very cute.’

‘Even Mommy?’ Izzy asks.

‘Especially Mommy,’ Santana winks.

She places her cutlery on her empty plate and moves the tray onto the bedside table before turning to grin at Max. Isobel passes him to her and she holds him close to her chest. ‘Hey little man,’ She coos, ‘Did you have a good morning with Mommy and your sisters.’

Charlotte’s head bounces, ‘We hugged, and Mommy cooked.’

‘You helped change his diaper too,’ Brittany adds. 

Isobel wrinkles her nose, ‘It was gross.’

Santana laughs, ‘You used to be just as gross, Iz.’

‘Nuh-uh.’

‘Oh definitely, right Mommy?’

Brittany nods in agreement, ‘You were very cute, but a little bit gross too.’

Max begins to fuss in Santana’s arms, letting out a very small cry and reaching his arm up. ‘Are you hungry little man?’ Santana asks, looking over to Brittany, ‘What time did you feed him?’

‘Six, when I got up, but he only took half the bottle, he had a little bit more about an hour ago.’

Santana adjusts his head, ‘You want some more Maxxy?’

Max coos again, which Santana takes as a yes. Brittany gets up, and takes the tray off the bedside table, ‘Come on girls,’ She says, ‘Let’s go clean up while Mama feeds Max.’

Charlotte grumbles but rolls out of the bed landing on the floor with a _thump_, before clambering back to her feet and taking off out of the room at full speed.

Isobel, however, stays put, biting her lip slightly. ‘Can I stay and watch Mama?’ She says quietly.

Santana smiles at the look on Izzy’s face, one the reminds her so much of Brittany, ‘Sure, baby. If you really want to.’

She nods at Brittany to let her know it’s okay, and her wife pulls the door shut as she leaves the room. Santana still feels slightly uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of anyone other than Brittany, even Izzy and Charlie, she knows she shouldn’t – especially when Izzy once feed like that with her – but she still feels somewhat exposed, even with a cloth covering her.

Izzy was too little to properly remember when Brittany breastfeed Charlie, and it intrigues her how her Mama feeds her brother, even though she knows how it works. Santana lets her watch, partially because she wants her children to understand how babies work, and partially because she loves quiet time with her children, and with Charlie running around the way she always does, these moments are few and far between.

She holds her arm out for Isobel to nuzzle into her side as Max latches on. She sighs softly as she feels him start to drink and pulls Izzy in closer.

‘I love you, Mama,’ Izzy whispers.

‘I love you too, baby,’ Santana kisses her head. ‘Are you excited for our big day?’

She feels Izzy nod against her.

‘I’m really proud of you, Izzy. You’re a great sister. I know we haven’t spent as much time, just Mommy, me and you in a while.’

Isobel shrugs, ‘It’s okay. Max is just a baby; he still needs help.’

‘I know,’ Santana says, ‘But it’s a big change, having a new baby in the house and you’re being so good. We’ll have a Mommies and Izzy day soon, okay? We’ll leave Charlie and Max with Aunt Rachel and go do whatever you want for the whole day. How does that sound?’

She can tell Izzy is smiling when she replies, ‘That sounds amazing.’

They lay there in silence until Santana feels Max’s suckling slow and watches his eyes droop and flutter until they finally fall closed and his mouth slips away from her. She carefully lifts him up and gets up herself, laying him in his bassinet. She makes sure the baby monitor is switched on, before turning to Izzy, who’s still curled up in the blankets.

‘Come on Iz. Let’s get dressed and then go see what Mommy and your crazy sister are up to.’

She helps pulls Izzy to her feet, spinning her around so she giggles slightly, then ushers her out the door, turning to look at Max one last time before she makes her way downstairs.

Izzy veers off to the left at the top of the stairs, heading towards her bedroom while Santana goes down to the kitchen, where Brittany is still wiping the counter from their pancake-making adventures.

They’d bought the house shortly after Charlotte was born – their old apartment was big enough for one kid, but definitely not big enough for two. They’d debated just buying a bigger apartment in the city, but both of them were from a town where everyone grew up with backyards, and they wanted somewhere for their kids to run and have space.

They’d been approved for a home loan and bought their four-bedroom brownstone townhouse in Park Slope. The backyard was definitely smaller than what they’d grown up with, and certainly wouldn’t fit anything like the treehouse Brittany had had, but it was a backyard.

It was newly renovated, and Isobel and Charlotte had gotten their own rooms, with the one spare room used as a guest space, with the unspoken _for the future_ rule they’d placed on their guest room in their apartment.

Now that room was set up for when Max was old enough to sleep in there.

She walks up behind Brittany, who’s holding the spray bottle in one hand and a cloth in the other. She wraps her arms around her wife, standing on her tiptoes to kiss her cheek. ‘Thank you for breakfast baby. You didn’t have to do that.’

Brittany turns around and leans down to kiss her properly, ‘Yes I did. You needed sleep, and I also wanted to thank you for Max.’

‘You don’t need to thank me for Max, you know I wanted to do that.’

Brittany pouts, ‘Still, he’s so cute, and you did that.’

‘Well…’ Santana grins, ‘If we’re being technical. It’s your genes, so you did that.’

‘Nope,’ Brittany pops the p, ‘You did that.’

Santana kisses her again, ‘Maybe we both did that.’

‘Hmm, I’ll take that.’

She presses one last kiss to Brittany’s lips then pulls back, ‘Now. Where’s the crazy one?’

\--------

After spending far too long wrestling their children into weather-appropriate clothing – _‘Yes, you do need a jacket, Charlotte, it’s 60 degrees.’ _– They make it onto the subway, Brittany carrying a sleeping Max in a sling against her chest, while Santana pushes Charlie’s stroller with one hand and holds tightly to Isobel’s hand with the other.

Max is still tiny, and Santana feels nervous taking him out, especially to a park where there are lots of people and loud noises and foreign objects. But she knows from experience the longer you wait the more stressed you get – it had taken them nearly two months to properly take Izzy somewhere other than the park one block away from their old apartment. It’s one of the things she likes about Max being their third baby; she knows what she’s doing, even if she still feels frazzled like she’s in over her head.

It’s cold for mid-May but the subway is uncomfortably warm, and very busy for a Sunday, so much so that Brittany takes Isobel’s hand pulling her close to her leg and Santana has to fold up the stroller and hold Charlotte to her hip so that they can all fit in the same carriage. Her arm is bent at a strange angle, but she can’t move it due to the sweaty man pressed against her back. She shifts slightly, trying to move Charlie down just a little bit, but not enough that she thinks she’s being let down and starts squirming so she can run.

Brittany notices her struggling and carefully tugs on Santana’s arm so that Charlotte moves half an inch. Santana hisses as feeling returns to her elbow, she smiles gratefully at her wife.

An older woman standing behind Brittany gives Santana a look. Santana doesn’t know if it’s because the woman can tell her and Brittany are married, or it’s because she’s a Latina woman holding a small blonde child, but she raises her eyebrow anyway – challenging the woman. She averts her eyes and Santana smirks slightly – she’s still got it.

Brittany meets her gaze and shakes her head at her antics, reaching over to pull Charlie’s thumb out of her mouth. The little girl frowns and tries to move it back, but Brittany catches it midair and shakes her head, Charlie drops her arm and pouts.

‘Nuh-uh little miss,’ Brittany grins, ‘You’re a big girl now, no thumb sucking.’

Charlie keeps pouting.

Brittany sighs and leans over, reaching into the underneath storage section of the folded-up stroller and pulling out a small stuffed dog, passing it to Charlotte who immediately cuddles it close and sucks one of its ears up into her mouth. Santana pulls the ear out of Charlie’s mouth, giving her a stern look.

She hadn’t used a pacifier in over a year, but she still had a ‘blankie’ which was basically just a cloth square that she slept with, that she sucked on. Santana had been terrified that she was going to accidentally choke on it at first, but she only put one corner in her mouth and after a lot of research she found out that a lot of kids did that and they were fine – she still practically ran into Charlotte’s room every time she made so much as a peep over the baby monitor.

Charlie sucking her thumb, or the corner of her dog meant she was getting sleepy – something Santana was pretty sure was mostly due to the warmth of the subway car and the comfort of being pressed against her mother. She knew the moment they got to the park and Charlie saw everyone she would be a bundle of energy again.

They got off the subway at Prospect Park, and Santana wrestled her way through the crowd, trying not to bump Charlotte into anyone and making sure that Brittany and Isobel were still behind her. Brittany catches up to her as she climbs the stairs, left hand clasping Isobel’s and right hand supporting Max. Santana peers into the sling to look at her sleeping son as Brittany helps unfold the stroller. She smiles at the tiny tuft of blonde hair sticking up, the rest of his face obscured where it’s nuzzled against Brittany’s chest.

Charlie secured in the stroller, they walk over to the east side of the park, eyes scanning for their friends. Santana hears them before she sees them – or rather, she hears Rachel before she sees her. Loud as ever, their friend is ranting about something to do with her latest Broadway show. Santana pushes the stroller off the path - wincing slightly as it bumps over the grass – and makes her way towards the group congregated under a large tree.

Rachel shrieks when she sees them, then clamps her hand over her mouth as Brittany indicates the baby is sleeping, choosing instead to bounce up and down excitedly. They make it to the picnic blanket, and Charlotte immediately starts squirming in her seat, her hands fumbling to undo the clip holding her in the stroller.

Santana undoes it, and Charlotte jumps up running over to Rachel, who pulls her into a big hug, lifting her off the ground. Santana grins as Charlie giggles, turning to give Jesse a greeting hug.

She surveys the area she’s certain Rachel arrived many hours early to secure. There’s two picnic blankets laid out - one entirely covered with a selection of every food adults or children could possibly want –, a few camping chairs set up, one of which is occupied by Quinn who stands up to welcome them.

‘Managed to get a day off just for us, Q?’ Santana smirks at her friend.

Quinn grins back, ‘No one but you.’ She hugs Santana, then Isobel, finally turning to Brittany, ‘Now give me my Godson.’

Santana shakes her head, ‘He’s sleeping.’

‘So?’ Quinn cocks an eyebrow, ‘He can wake up in the arms of his Auntie Quinn.’

‘He doesn’t know who his Auntie Quinn is,’ Santana counters, ‘So he’ll start screaming his head off and people will think you stole him.’

Brittany elbows Santana, gently lifting Max out of the sling and placing him in Quinn’s arms. ‘Hi,’ Quinn coos gently, ‘It’s so nice to meet you, I’m your Auntie Quinn.’ She frowns, ‘I’m really sorry I haven’t been to see you yet,’ She directs the next part at Brittany and Santana, ‘Work’s been kicking my ass.’ 

Brittany chimes in, ‘We understand, it’s okay.’

Rachel finally releases Charlotte, who bounds over to greet Quinn, while Rachel turns to hug Isobel in the same manner. Izzy melts into Rachel’s embrace – she’s somewhat shy and would never initiate the hug herself, but she loves her Aunt Rachel and definitely loves her overenthusiastic greetings.

Jesse’s phone buzzes and he pulls it out of his back pocket, ‘Sam and Mercedes are running late,’ He informs them.

‘I’m shocked you weren’t the last ones here,’ Rachel gives Santana and Brittany a pointed look. Santana knows she’s mocking them for always being late when they were younger because they got held up doing _things_.

‘One,’ Santana says, ‘We’ve gotten better since we’ve had children. And two: I had a child three weeks ago; do you really think there’s _any_ of that going on.’

‘Do you think I know how long you have to wait?’ Rachel counters, gesturing between her and Jesse.

Quinn looks up at this, still rocking Max in her arms. ‘You quite genuinely birthed a child for Kurt and Blaine.’

Jesse nods, ‘Yeah, Rach, I’m the only one here who hasn’t had a kid.’

Rachel looks indignant at this, and Brittany takes the opportunity to steer the conversation in another direction by asking, ‘How is Eloise?’

As Rachel starts recalling her latest conversation with Kurt, Santana pulls a series of coloring books and pencils out of the bottom of the stroller, passing them to Isobel and Charlotte. Despite being close in high school, they’d only really maintained regular contact with their glee friends that lived in New York. They saw everyone maybe once a year if they were all back in Lima for Thanksgiving, but most of the other get-togethers consisted of Santana, Brittany, Rachel, Jesse, and Quinn.

It might have been nice to spend more time with Kurt and Blaine, considering Isobel and Eloise were only two years apart, but it really wasn’t possible with the distance between them. It had been over a year since she’d seen them and the other glee club members. As far as she knew, Artie was doing some directing thing in LA, and Tina and Mike were in Chicago with their two kids.

Sam and Mercedes split their time between LA and New York, so they saw them and their son Luke slightly more often. Mercedes was currently doing a stint on Broadway, so they were in New York at least to the end of the summer, and Santana was looking forward to seeing them. It had been a while and Luke and Charlie were only a few months apart, it would be good for them to get to know each other. They’d seen them over winter break, when Mercedes and Sam had come to scout apartments, and Charlie had expressed excitement to see Luke again, which was good, because despite spending three days a week at daycare, she reminded Santana of herself at that age, preferring to spend time alone. Which concerned Santana because she knows that if she hadn’t met Brittany she would have stayed alone, and she doesn’t want that for her daughter.

Jesse’s phone buzzes again, ‘They’re just finding a parking spot.’

Santana scoffs, ‘You can tell they don’t live here permanently based on the fact they drove here on Mother’s Day.’

Rachel frowns, ‘We live here, and we drove.’

‘Correction,’ Quinn says, ‘Your driver drove you here and didn’t need to park because he’s coming back to get you later.’

Santana snorts and Quinn gives her a high-five.

Brittany gives them a look, ‘Santana you have children so why do you still act like them sometimes.’

Santana is saved from having to think of a response by the arrival of Sam and Mercedes, who traipse across the grass, Sam running awkwardly in an attempt to keep up with the three-year-old who seems determined to get away. He catches him under the arms and swings him up onto his shoulders to keep him from getting any further, before looking up and grinning at his friends.

‘Hey Trouty,’ Santana greets.

Sam winks backs, pulling them each into a hug.

Mercedes catches up and looks at them all. ‘No way,’ She says.

‘What?’ Rachel queries.

Mercedes looks at Santana, ‘There’s no way you had a baby three weeks ago. How is that fair I’m still trying to work off the weight from this one,’ She nods her head at Luke, ‘And you look as skinny as ever already.’

Santana sure as hell doesn’t feel skinny, and she shifts uncomfortably, sensing that everyone’s gaze is on her. It had taken her a while to feel comfortable with her body after Izzy, and even though it was easier this time, she still didn’t like all their friends staring at her.

Brittany grabs her hand and squeezes it, before turning to call their children over, ‘Izzy, Charlie come say hi.’

Sam lets Luke off his shoulders, and he runs over to where Charlotte has just stood up on the picnic blanket – he’s much sturdier on his legs than Charlie, who can run very fast but still wobbles quite significantly. Santana attributes it to the fact that Charlie had started walking very late – so late that they’d been worried and taken her to see specialists, who determined she did not have any obvious impairments and that she would most likely catch up with her peers shortly. Santana still worries about her wobbling, even though their pediatrician assures them it’s normal and she’ll steady out as she gets older.

Charlie squeals as she sees Luke, and the two of them immediately launch into a conversation, talking rapidly and disjointedly with toddler words that Santana can barely make out.

Isobel curls into Brittany’s side as she reaches the adults, looking down at her feet shyly. ‘Hi,’ She says softly.

‘Hey Iz.’ Sam grins, ‘Have you watched Star Wars yet?’

Santana smiles at this, Sam had been pestering them to let Izzy watch the films since Luke had been born and she’d asked where his name had come from.

Izzy looks up and nods.

They’d finally caved and decided she could handle a bit of violence in a film about a month ago – or rather, Santana had caved because she’d been nine months pregnant, exhausted and needed both of her older children to be occupied for at least an hour so she could take a nap.

Sam’s eyes widen, ‘Really?’

Izzy nods again, then giggles at the look on Sam’s face.

‘Who’s your favorite character?’

Shyness disappearing, Izzy starts talking about Leia while Sam nods along seriously.

Both of her older children occupied, Santana turns to take Max off Quinn and pass him to Mercedes, who has not so subtly been eying him since the moment she arrived.

Mercedes gently lifts him close to her and smiles, ‘Hello there,’ She looks at Santana and Brittany, ‘He’s beautiful.’

Santana leans her head onto Brittany’s shoulder, ‘Yeah, we did good.’

‘So, what’s it like being mothers of three?’ Quinn askes.

Brittany grins, ‘Crazy.’

‘Exhausting,’ Santana adds.

‘But good.’

‘So good.’

‘I don’t know how you do it,’ Mercedes says, ‘I’m crazy and exhausted with one.’

Santana shrugs, ‘We thought it was crazy with one too, but it’s worth it.’

‘I think we’re still gonna stick with the one for now.’

Quinn frowns, ‘What if I want more children to hang out with?’

‘That just makes you sound creepy.’

‘Okay, but seriously,’ Quinn says, ‘I’m trying to cut down my hours at work and I would like as much of my time as possible filled with the joy of tiny humans to counteract my hatred for my job.’

‘You could always just have your own,’ Rachel says.

‘With whom?’

‘You could just do it by yourself?’

Quinn shakes her head, ‘Honestly, I’ve thought about it. But I can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘Even if I cut down my hours, I’ll still be working at least eight hour days, I work weekends, I already get shit from the men at work for being a woman, if I add single mother to then that’ll just be another reason for them to give me the shitty cases.’ She pauses, ‘I’m not putting a kid through a life where they get raised by a nanny because Mom doesn’t have time.’

They’re all silent for a moment.

‘Fair enough,’ Brittany says, ‘You can borrow our children anytime, just let us know.’

Rachel steers the conversation in another direction, ‘Does anyone have any other plans for Mother’s Day?’

Mercedes shakes her head, ‘Nah, mine and Sam’s parents are both in Lima.’

‘Same,’ Santana says, ‘They came out two weeks ago to see Max, so we didn’t think there was any point in them coming again – we’re going to Skype later. Britt’s sister is flying in this afternoon though, we’re going to have dinner with her tonight.’

‘Oooo,’ Brittany cuts in, ‘Quinn can I give you her number for that internship you were talking about?’

Quinn hands her phone over as she says, ‘Yeah, I’m not doing anything else today. Judy’s visiting Frannie in Texas and I saw Beth yesterday because her and Shelby are having dinner with Rachel today.’

Santana looks at Brittany, who nods. ‘You can come have dinner with us, Q,’ Santana offers, ‘Since you want to spend more time with the kids anyway?’

Quinn shakes her head, ‘It’s okay. You guys spend time with Ashley. I honestly just need wine and sleep before work tomorrow.’

Charlie and Luke choose that moment to run over and ask if they can play with the soccer ball Sam brought.

They set up a mini-game, moving some of the camping chairs to use as makeshift goals, and after lots of begging – mostly from Charlie – all the adults agree to join in the game. There’s some complaining, largely from Rachel, but Brittany reminds her that one person has to sit out with Max, so she perks up, taking him from Mercedes and settling in a chair to watch the game.

They don’t really organize teams, since no matter what they’re going to let the kids score the goals, but it still ends up being Sam, Jesse, Charlie and Luke against Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Quinn and Isobel. 

Charlie, Luke and Jesse have a competitive edge and as much as Santana does too, her daughter is having too much fun for her to really put any effort into beating her team – plus she literally had a baby three weeks and running is _not_ something she feels like doing – so she walks, smiling at her daughter and pretending to tackle her for the ball when she comes close, but without actually putting any effort into it.

Quinn is the only one on their team that’s really putting any kind of competitive effort in. Santana assumes it’s because she hasn’t had any time to do anything remotely enjoyable in a while – she really has been crazy busy with work. She enjoys seeing her friend being carefree for once, laughing as she runs even though she’s wearing the wrong shoes for this kind of activity.

Charlie and Luke have scored three goals each by the time Max starts crying half an hour later. Santana excuses herself from the game, subbing in Rachel, who complains, as she takes Max so she can feed him.

Despite her complaints, Rachel Berry is as competitive as ever, and Santana grins as she watches them all.

She’s proud of her friends and everything they’ve achieved; she’s proud of her wife; she proud of her kids. In the back of her mind, she knows this is one of those moments she’ll remember in perfect clarity – the pure joy on Charlotte and Isobel’s faces as they tackle one another for the ball, Brittany cheering them on from the other side of the field, Max in her arms gurgling happily, their friends surrounding them, smiling.

It hits her – not for the first time – that this is the life she’d never imagined she’d get to have when she was fifteen and alone in her bedroom crying her eyes out because she was in love with her best friend and because _girls don’t marry girls_.

She’s happy, so so happy.

She has Brittany; she has Isobel and Charlotte and Max; she has their friends; she has a great home; she has a good job; she has amazing parents; she has an Abuela who’s trying – even if it has been years and they still have a very stilted relationship.

But she has all those things. She has them and she loves it so much.

Her heart used to just beat for Brittany – it still does – but it’s intertwined with all those other things too; all the people she loves, who love her too.

\--------

The game slows down about twenty minutes later, and everyone traipses back over to the picnic blankets to eat. Santana passes a sleeping Max to Brittany so she can help Izzy and Charlie get settled with their food, before getting plates for her and Brittany as well, and sitting down to eat.

They all lapse into a comfortable silence as they eat, and when Charlie quite genuinely falls asleep into her plate of food, Quinn waves Santana off and moves her plate away, wiping potato salad off her face with a napkin and picking her up so she can sleep on her chest.

The spend the rest of their time together talking about work and school arrangements, Mercedes giving them the details of her show, while Brittany talks about Isobel’s school and getting Charlotte set up for going back to daycare in a few weeks when she goes back to work, so Santana can have some time to herself to take care of Max and get housework done without Charlie running around.

They play another shorter game of soccer before packing up the picnic blankets and food. Brittany gentle wakes Charlie up, loading her into the stroller, before they say goodbye to their friends, promising to meet up soon, and head back to the subway.

Ashley had insisted that neither of them needed to pick her up from the airport – she could get a cab directly to her hotel and meet them later for dinner – stating that she knew they must be exhausted and she didn’t want to inconvenience them.

They have a few hours before they have to head to the restaurant, so Santana puts Charlie down in her bed so she can finish her nap, while Brittany settles Max. Izzy watches cartoons while they do this, then they join her cuddling up on the couch in an Izzy sandwich.

Santana feels herself drifting off somewhere during the second episode of _Spongebob_ and she lets it happen, knowing that Max is sleeping and logically she should sleep too before he wakes up again.

Brittany must have covered her with a blanket at some point, because when she wakes up, she wrapped up and can hear Charlie talking in the other room. She can’t hear Max crying, but she figures that Brittany probably tried to bottle feed him again so she could sleep. She doesn’t move just yet, choosing instead to just listen to the noises of her family – Charlie’s chatter; Brittany’s soft answers; the sound of water running upstairs, suggesting Izzy was taking a bath before they went out.

‘Hi Mama,’ She hears Charlie say as she crawls up onto the couch next to her.

‘Hi baby,’ She wraps her arms around her daughter, breathing in deeply. ‘Mmm you had a bath, didn’t you?’

‘Mommy said I had too.’

‘Well,’ Santana presses a kiss to her head, ‘I think Mommy is very smart because you were running all day.’

She looks over at the clock on the wall above the TV and sees that it’s just after four. She sits up lifting Charlie with her, ‘Mama needs to get ready too.’

Because of the small children with early bedtimes they’d booked dinner for five, so that they’d hopefully eat at five-thirty and be home by six-thirty to get Charlie into bed before she entered her grumpy overtired stage.

She carries Charlie upstairs to their bedroom where Brittany’s already changing Max when she gets upstairs, plonking Charlie on the bed and kissing her wife.

‘Izzy just got in the bath,’ Brittany tells her, ‘So all three of them are clean.’

‘Thank you,’ Santana kisses her again.

She grins at Max, who’s kicking his little legs up in the air.

‘Is it okay if I shower first?’ She asks, ‘Then I’ll get this little miss -’ She taps Charlie’s toes, ‘Dressed and ready.’

‘Mmmhh,’ Brittany hums, ‘I’ll get Max dressed and put him down.’

‘I love you.’

Brittany smiles, ‘Love you too. Now go shower so we’re not late.’

By the time Santana gets out of the shower, Max has _reluctantly_ taken another bottle and is dressed in a white and blue sleeper, eyes half-closed as he drifts off to sleep in the bassinet.

Brittany kisses her cheek as she enters the bathroom, and Santana lets her towel drop to the floor as she stands in front of the closet, deciding what to wear. They’re not going anywhere fancy – not with two children under four, one of whom wouldn’t even be eating the restaurant food. Instead, they’re just going to the small Italian place a few blocks over that they know both Izzy and Charlie like, and that Brittany assures Santana Ashley will also enjoy.

She settles for a pair of jeans and a soft grey knitted sweater, before heading down the hallway to check on her daughters.

She sticks her head into Isobel’s room, seeing she’s not in there before continuing along to Charlie’s room, where she finds both of them sitting at the tiny art table in the corner coloring. She feels her heart swell at the way they’re chatting to each other, sharing pencils and markers.

She watches them for a minute. She loves that she has no doubt that they’re sisters despite the differences in their looks – someone who didn’t know them might look at them and not immediately assume they were related, but anyone who spent more than minute with them would be able to tell right away based on the way they acted around one another.

Like any siblings, they have fights and disagreements, but it’s obvious – especially in moments like this - that they love each other so much. Izzy is smiling at her sister as Charlotte talks about what she’s drawing, carefully correcting the words she’s pronouncing incorrectly, and helping her choose what colors to use. Charlotte laughs as Izzy tries to get her to color what looks like a blob, but might be an animal of some kind, green, and grabs the brown marker instead.

She doesn’t interrupt until Charlie looks up and squeals, ‘Mama!’

‘Watcha doing?’

Isobel answers, ‘We’re drawing – I drew our house with you, Mommy, Charlie and me; and Charlie drew the pets we want.’

‘Yeah,’ Charlie holds up her picture, ‘Sa cat and a dog.’

Santana leans closer to look – from this angle they’re definitely animals, although she can’t make out which blob is the cat, and which is the dog. ‘Wow,’ She says, ‘That’s very good.’

‘Can we get a dog?’ Izzy asks.

She laughs, ‘I think Mommy prefers cats. But Max is still very little, we might need to wait until he’s a bit older.’

Charlie pouts.

Santana bops her nose, ‘We used to have a cat. Do you remember, Iz?’

Izzy shakes her head, ‘We did?’

‘Lord Tubbington – he died just before Charlie was born – you were still pretty little, that’s why you don’t remember him.’

‘Tats very sad,’ Charlie says, her little lisp coming through slightly.

She nods, ‘It was, Mommy was very upset, he was her cat from when she was only a few years older than Izzy. But he was very old and sick, and we didn’t want him to be in pain anymore.’

‘I think I remember now,’ Isobel says, ‘He slept a lot.’

‘He did.’

‘Can we get a new cat?’ Charlie asks.

Santana smiles, ‘Not right now, but maybe when Max is a bit older, we can talk to Mommy.’ She lifts Charlie up, ‘Now, let's get you dressed. What do you want to wear?’

‘Purple!’

After helping Charlie select a purple top and talking her out of wearing purple pants as well, she helps her put the items on, before sitting her on the bed to fix her hair. Charlotte’s hair, despite the lighter color, is very much like her own – thick and curly – meaning it’s a pain to do. She straightens her own hair every day, but she’s not going to subject a three-year-old to that, so instead, she wrestled it back into a ponytail, trying not to pull thee way she always hated her mother for doing.

By the time she’s finished fastening clips secure the ponytail, Isobel is also dressed and ready and she can hear Brittany talking to Max down the hall as she gets him in the sling ready to go.

She calls out to let her know that she’s going to help the girls get their shoes on and she’ll meet her downstairs.

They finally make it out the door five minutes after they’d planned too after once again attempting to convince a very stubborn Charlie that she did need to wear a jacket because it was cold, and that for that reason, she also couldn’t wear her sandals – she had to wear her little boots.

They’d decided to walk to the restaurant because it was only a few blocks and there was no point in driving and trying to find a parking spot. They opted not to take Charlie’s stroller, mostly because trying to convince her to actually sit in it was a struggle, and also because Brittany had reasoned that it was only a few blocks to carry her home in the likely event she was too tired to walk.

It’s cold outside, but not unbearably so – there’s a light breeze that makes Santana shiver, but the buildings block the worst of the wind, so she just uses the arm not holding Isobel’s hand to pull her coat tighter to her body.

‘Ash is already inside,’ Brittany informs her as they round the corner onto the street the restaurant is on.

They see her the moment they enter, she stands up from her booth in the corner and grins, holding her arms out for hugs. The moment she’s within range to not need to run, Isobel takes too big steps forward and wraps her arms around her Aunt Ashley. Being the oldest, Izzy is the closest to Ashley – since Ashley went to college on the other side of the country, they didn’t see her very often, so rarely in fact that Santana wasn’t entirely certain that Charlie really remembered her, since the only times that they’d seen her in the three years of Charlie’s life had been Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Isobel, however, _loved_ her Aunt Ashley. She’d only been in her undergraduate degree for all of Izzy’s younger years, and while she was still busy then – she’d had more time to visit them, and hence Izzy had seen her a lot more and was a lot closer to her.

Brittany hugs her sister tightly when she finally releases Izzy and mutters something in her ear that makes Ashley grin. Charlotte goes shy suddenly and clings tightly to Santana’s leg, burying her head against the back of her knee.

‘Hey Ash,’ Santana pulls her sister-in-law into a hug and smiles, ‘How’s school going?’

‘Good,’ Ashley laughs, ‘But crazy.’

They sit down, Santana gently coaxing Charlie to let go of her so she can slide her into the window seat of the booth. Ashley takes Max off Brittany and her smiles grows even bigger as she looks down at her nephew.

‘Hi Max,’ She tickles his tummy, ‘It’s nice to meet you.’

He gurgles, which Ashley takes as confirmation that he’s excited too.

Santana watches as Brittany, Ashley and Izzy talk rapidly, gushing over Max, complaining about school, and just generally catching up on life and everything that’s happened since they last saw Ashley at Christmas.

She finds it hard to believe that Ashley is no longer the chubby toddler that they had to talk into playing house with them, or the tiny kid who used to walk in on them in somewhat compromising positions and be totally clueless. They’d both moved away before Ashley had become a teenager, and every time they saw her, Santana still found herself being shocked that she wasn’t a preteen anymore, but a fully grown woman with big goals and dreams and a drive to achieve that could rival Rachel Berry’s.

Santana remembers when she and Brittany were eight, and Brittany had convinced Santana to teach Ashley to read even though she could barely talk at the time. She knows Brittany is insanely proud of her little sister for going to law school and for fighting to be the best at what she does.

Despite everything, Santana still sees moments of insecurity in Brittany – Santana views her as a genius, but Brittany still sometimes views herself the way their peers did in high school. There are moments when she falters just for a second when she stumbles over words when reading to Izzy, or when she makes an offhand comment and panics that people might take it the wrong way.

Santana also sees it in the way she worries about their children’s intelligence; sees the relief in Brittany’s eyes when Isobel’s report card comes back with all A’s; sees the way she smiles when Charlotte shows interest in reading, or makes a comment that seems too observant for her age.

It’s something they’ve spoken about – Brittany’s insecurities – Brittany’s made it clear that it’s not so much about intelligence, but about the way people made her feel because she didn’t express her intelligence in the same way; she doesn’t want Izzy or Charlie to feel that way.

She’d likened it to the way Santana watches them both like a hawk for signs of the anxiety she’d had at their age – taking every tummy ache to mean that something else was wrong; that they were stressed instead of sick. She particularly worried about Izzy, who often tended to be slightly quieter and more reserved around her peers – much like Santana had been at her age.

Brittany assured her that this isn’t a bad thing, looking for signs of themselves in their children – even the more negative ones. It would help them ensure that Izzy, Charlie, and even Max, wouldn’t struggle with the same things they did. They know what signs to look for; they address even the smallest symbol that something might be wrong; they encourage open communication, they don’t shut down about their problems, they talk about them.

Still, Santana sees the way Brittany looks at Ashley the same way she looks at their children – with absolute admiration for all she can and has achieved.

She zones back into the conversation as their food arrives, hearing Ashley begin to talk about her plans to surprise Whitney and Pierce in Lima after her New York trip. Isobel picks up on this and starts asking when they’re going to visit her grandparents again.

Brittany laughs, ‘You saw them two weeks ago, Iz. But summer’s coming up, we’re going for the first two weeks of July.’

‘Abuela and Abuelo too?’ Charlotte asks, speaking for the first time since they arrived at the restaurant.

‘Yeah, baby,’ Santana replies, ‘They’ll all be there.’

Charlie claps her hands together, her fork gripped in her right one, which causes pasta sauce to flick onto her shirt. Santana grabs a napkin and wipes the worst of it off, hoping it won’t stain.

Brittany starts asking Ashley about boys and dates, and Ashley rolls her eyes with a, ‘Geez, you’re worse than Mom.’ Before launching into a story about a boy she met in one of her classes and went on a few terrible dates with.

Charlotte is falling asleep in her food for the second time that day by the time that they decide to head back home. Brittany pays the bill while Santana hoists Charlie into her arms and takes Isobel’s hand, leading them out onto the sidewalk.

Brittany comes outside and they say goodbye to Ashley, who pulls them each into a tight hug, and tickles Max’s tummy.

‘Quinn will call you tomorrow about the internship,’ Brittany tells her. ‘And don’t overwork yourself, I need to see you at least three more times before the end of the week.’

‘Love you, sis,’ Ashley calls over her shoulder as she walks towards the cab she hailed. ‘I’ll be over tomorrow evening don’t worry.’

They wait until the cab turns the corner before they start walking in the opposite direction towards their house. They don’t speak; Charlie asleep on Santana’s shoulder; Max asleep in the sling against Brittany’s chest; Izzy scuffing her shoes against the concrete as they walk.

Brittany walks a few steps ahead to unlock the door, kicking her shoes off as she enters. Santana pulls Charlie’s shoes off while still holding her, and motions for Brittany to go get the laptop and meet them in the living room.

She sits on the couch, Charlie still in her arms. Izzy sits next her and nuzzles into her neck, clearly tired as well.

Santana gentle runs her fingertips over Charlie’s eyelids to wake her up, ‘Charlie, baby, we’re gonna talk to Grandma and Grandpa and Abuela and Abuelo. Do you want to see them?’

She just makes a little squeaking noise and closes her eyes again. Santana sighs, knowing that she probably won’t wake up, and she’ll probably be grumpy in the morning when she finds out she missed out on talking to her grandparents.

They’d tried to work out an earlier time to call, but her father had had a shift at the hospital all day, and they were meeting Ashley for dinner, so it had worked out that the only time they could call was seven pm.

Brittany enters the room with the family laptop and sits down on Isobel’s other side, placing the laptop onto the lap of their oldest daughter. She then carefully takes Max out of the sling and holds him against her chest so that their parents will be able to see him when they answer the call.

Isobel presses the call button and it rings a few times before Whitney’s face appears, too close to the camera, squinting at the screen.

‘Hi Mom,’ Brittany says, waving with her free hand.

‘Hi,’ Whitney waves back, before turning and calling over her shoulder, ‘Brittany and Santana are on Skype.’

There are a few moments of background noise as the rest of their parents enter the room, and Maribel, who is slightly better with technology tells Whitney to step back a bit so they all fit into the frame.

‘My girls,’ She says, then pauses, looks at Max and add ‘And boy. How are you?’

‘We’re good, Mami,’ Santana says, ‘We just got home from dinner with Ash. This one,’ She nods her head at Charlotte, ‘Couldn’t keep her eyes open, sorry.’

‘That’s okay, Mija,’ Javier says, ‘Let her sleep, we can call again tomorrow and talk to her if she’s upset about missing out.’

‘Yes,’ Pierce adds, ‘Now we can have some special Isobel time. How’s my favorite granddaughter?’

Izzy laughs, ‘Grandpa,’ She says, ‘Charlie’s right there.’

He winks, ‘She can’t hear us though. So, tell us all about your day.’

Izzy gushes about their day at the park, telling them everything from what she wore – a green t-shirt, black legging, and her pink coat – to the goal she scored at soccer – _‘It was so cool Abuelo, I kicked the ball right past Uncle Sam.’_

Eventually, her sentences start to slow, and Santana nods when Brittany makes eye contact with her.

‘Okay,’ Brittany interrupts her dads rambling about the barbecue he was planning. ‘I think we need to put the kids to bed -’

Izzy makes a noise in protest.

‘- But,’ Brittany continues, ‘We’ll call you again tomorrow so Charlie can talk. I’ll text you to work out a time.’

‘Bye my loves,’ Maribel says, blowing kisses to the camera before hanging up.

They make their way upstairs together, Isobel veering off to her room while Santana carries Charlie into her room, trying not to wake her as she sets her down on the bed and starts getting her into her pajamas.

‘Let me do it,’ Brittany says from the doorway. ‘You go say goodnight to Iz, that way you can feed Max and go to sleep.’

She looks up, ‘You sure? You need rest too.’

Brittany nods and takes the pajamas out of Santana’s hands. ‘Go,’ She says, kissing her lips gently.

Santana knocks on Isobel’s door before she enters, finding her daughter already in her pajama’s and sitting in bed with her book. ‘You ready for bed?’

Izzy nods as Santana makes her way over to the bed to kiss her goodnight.

‘Mama?’ Izzy asks as Santana kneels down next to her. ‘Can I ask a question?’

‘Anything, baby. You know that.’

‘How come Mommy and Auntie Ashley don’t look like sisters? All the sisters I know look the same.’

That wasn’t what Santana was expecting and she pauses for a moment wondering if Brittany should be here for this question. She decides that it’s not a serious enough topic to warrant both of them being present and replies with, ‘All families are different.’

‘Like how I have two Mommies when all of my friends only have one?’ Izzy asks.

‘Yeah,’ Santana smiles, ‘Exactly like that.’

‘And why Abuela and Abuelo are ‘viorced, but they’re still both your parents?’

‘Exactly,’ Santana grins, ‘And the only thing that matters in a family is that everyone loves one another.’ She pauses again, ‘Like how Mommy and I love one another, and we love you and Charlotte and Max.’

‘I love you too, Mama, and Mommy and Charlie and Max.’

She presses a kiss to Isobel’s forehead. ‘Mommy and Ashley don’t look the same because they don’t have the same biological dad. Do you know what biological means?’

Izzy shakes her head.

She internally cringes at the way she needs to phrase the next part. ‘You know how babies are made?’

This time Izzy nods.

‘Well biologically you need a Mom and a Dad – they’re the ones who make the baby.’

‘That’s why you went to the special doctor to make Charlie and Max, right? ‘cause you needed a dad to help you?’

‘Exactly.’ They’d tried to be as open as possible with Izzy about the process of getting her siblings. ‘And you know how Mommy is your Mommy, even though you grew inside of me?’

Izzy nods again.

‘Well it’s just like that. Grandpa is Brittany’s Dad even though he didn’t help make her, because he loves her as his daughter.’

‘Oh,’ Izzy says, ‘That makes sense.’

‘You know,’ Santana adds, ‘Sometimes people might ask you how you and Charlie are sisters, or how Max is your brother because you don’t look alike.’

‘Really?’

Santana nods, ‘You can’t be annoyed at them if they do, some people are used to their own family and get confused when they see one that’s different. You just have to tell them that you are siblings.’

‘Because we love each other like ‘blings?’

‘Yep,’ Santana kisses her again, ‘You’re so smart.’

‘You are,’ She hears from the doorway and turns to find Brittany smiling at them both, ‘She’s very clever just like her Mama.’

‘And her Mommy,’ Santana adds.

‘You ready for sleep, baby?’ Brittany asks.

Isobel nods.

‘Okay,’ Brittany kisses her head, ‘I love you, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.’

‘Love you too, Mommy.’

Santana kisses her as well, ‘Goodnight little love, see you in the morning.’

‘Night,’ Izzy mumbles, already half asleep.

The exit the room together, Brittany pulling the door shut behind them. They make their way to their room, and Brittany starts getting changed as Santana picks up Max and settles on the bed to feed him.

He latches on, and Santana holds him close, cherishing these intimate moments with her son while she can – knowing too well that they grow up too fast.

Brittany settles next to her, Santana leans her head onto her wife’s shoulder, both of them looking down at Max. He’s half asleep, eyelids drooped and fluttering, struggling to keep them open and look up at his Moms.

‘Thank you for talking to Izzy.’

Santana hums, ‘She asked.’

‘But you answered perfectly.’

They lapse into silence again, hands intertwined just under Max. Their pinkies brush for a moment, and a tiny smile makes its way onto Santana’s face as she remembers the first time they linked pinkies, when they were younger than Isobel is now, and so much more innocent.

She expects to feel nostalgia at the thought of childhood innocence, but she doesn’t. She feels content. She doesn’t long for the past when the present is so perfect.

Max slips his lips of her as he falls asleep, and Santana passes him to Brittany with a practiced ease, standing to get changed as Brittany rubs circles on his back.

She places him in the bassinet, before crawling back into bed next to her wife, laying her head on her chest and wrapping her arms around her – feeling the steady thump of her heartbeat.

She’d once been so scared that one day there would no longer be _SantanaandBrittany_ spoken together as one long word. She’d been afraid that like her parents, there would come a day when her name wasn’t immediately followed by Brittany’s.

She understands now that there are some people who are just supposed to be. That, no matter what, they’ll find their way back to one another.

They lay their tangled up in one another.

Santana drifts off to sleep, listening to Brittany’s heartbeat. Max asleep a few feet away. Isobel and Charlotte asleep down the hall.

Just where she’s meant to be.

They don’t need to be _SantanaandBrittany_ to be together. They just need to be Santana _and_ Brittany. Together forever. No matter what.

‘I love you,’ She says sleepily.

‘I love you too,’ Brittany replies.

And really, that’s all she ever needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @ diannasfvbray


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